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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect parents to help me out more or less equal to my sibling.

49 replies

shutthefrontdoooooooor · 04/02/2017 15:04

Yes, I'm jealous.

My parents live close to my sister and kids. They babysit them ALL the sodding time. Sister and brother in law (who are not short of cash and live the life of riley) are always on holiday, long weekends away, nights out, coffees with friends, off to the gym. I live like a nun. I am single. 2 kids. Never get a minute on my own. If I so much as want to go to the dentist, I have to either bring the kids or swap a favour with a friend which obviously I have to repay. Sometimes I don't have the energy to do this.
I would so love to plan a night out.

When I invite my parents up, they are always too tired as been a busy week (quote unquote) to come up and visit me. Mostly because they seem to be the third and fourth parent to my sister's kids. It's a few hours by car. When they do come up, I want to see them anyway and feel guilty so don't go out then either.

AIBU to think they should try and be more equal? They come up maybe twice a year.
AIB even more unreasonable to feel spitting angry at my sister for her yummy mummy life and hogging my parents energy? If she didn't ask so often, perhaps they'd visit me more. My two would love to have their grandparents around.

I am 35 and feel like a spoilt child thinking this. God, but it does piss me off though.

Will I be doing this to my kids in the future without realising it?

OP posts:

MTB1003 · 04/02/2017 16:11

Well at their ages op, I can imagine a few hours trip being a massive faff and effort even if they are fit. It's really about convenience, but what can they do about it? It sounds as though if they were closer you would be doing the exact same as your sister, so why is she wrong?

UpWithPup · 04/02/2017 16:19

I think it makes you sound very petty. It's not just that you want your kids to have a better relationship with their GPs but you actively want your sister to suffer because of it.

Talk to your parents about things that are your business. Explain that you want to see them more / need more help / feel sad at the distance. Leave your sister out of it

ImperialBlether · 04/02/2017 16:19

Would you be interested in moving back to your home area? You say you struggle to go out now - it might be more liberating to actually go home.

RortyCrankle · 04/02/2017 16:21

It's not for you to decide if they babysit your sister's children or not. Presumably they are both compos mentis? Maybe regularly driving for hours to visit you is not something they want to do or find it too much and who could blame them?

You sound jealous, perhaps you should move closer to them?

Sirzy · 04/02/2017 16:21

But maybe they enjoy babysitting them? Have they given you any indication they don't want to do it or is that assumption just led by jealousy?

8misskitty8 · 04/02/2017 16:29

Both me/Dh live the same distance from Dh parents as his brother and wife. We have 2 children and they have 1. Our children are older than theirs so all they need really is an adult to be in the house.
They watch our children for 1hr twice a week until I get back from work.

They watch their other grandchild every other day for much longer. Plus some weekends. Sil phones and they drop whatever they are doing to go to theirs. For things like sil wants to go to the gym or some other fitness club. So nothing urgent.
Bil/sil have several holidays a year and for at least one of them dh's parents look after their child for a week.

We tend not to ask them for much babysitting as we know they are already likely to be booked by bil/ Sil.

SallyLeStrange · 04/02/2017 16:35

In my opinion, moving so far away from family sends out a signal that you don't particularly want a close relationship with them.

Sorry if this is not the case, I am just speaking from my own experiences - if family were that important you wouldn't have put a physical gulf in between you

I don't think you should say anything to your sister, as I feel you are in a situation of your own making, you have isolated yourself and now see life goes on for other people

rollonthesummer · 04/02/2017 16:40

When you say they live a few hours away-how many do you mean?

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 04/02/2017 16:41

I'm sorry OP, but it was you who moved away wasn't it? You can't move several hours away and then complain that you don't get enough help & support.

I lived much closer to my parents than any of my siblings - although my DCs were the only grandchildren born during their lifetimes so not the same issues. Whether any of them were jealous that I spent more time with my DPs than they did, I don't know. I doubt it. They certainly weren't jealous when 95% of the practical, hands on, care fell to me during both of my parents' final year/months.

Swings and roundabouts. Ultimately, if you want your DCs to have a closer relationship with your DPs then you need to move closer to them.

witsender · 04/02/2017 16:48

3 hours is a long way, you can't blame your sister. To do so is a real stretch tbh, if your parents wanted to visit more they would.

LucklessMonster · 04/02/2017 16:57

Flip it around: "AIBU not to see one daughter as much of the other? One of them lives down the road, the other moved three hours away. She expects me to travel to them as often as I go to see my other daughter. AIBU to think it was her decision to move and she can't expect me to make that journey so often?"

Amaried · 04/02/2017 17:15

Honestly you are coming across incredibly bitter and twisted on this.. you want you elderly parents to stop minding your sisters kids so as they will be full of beans to mind yours. Labelling them "not big thinkers" is charming, no wonder they are not dropping everything to travel to you. Ps your jealousy of your sister who has done nothing to you is incredibly unbecoming

VioletRoar · 04/02/2017 17:23

I don't think realistically they'd be able to come 3hrs for you to go to the dentist etc.
It sounds really tough on you, but I think your blame is misplaced. It's no-ones fault really.
I think if I read correctly you're a single parent? Does your ex-p do his fair share of having the dc?
Sorry you feel likethis. Having kids is mentally draining and so constant and that's before you factor in the loneliness.

Roomster101 · 04/02/2017 17:27

In my opinion, moving so far away from family sends out a signal that you don't particularly want a close relationship with them.

Hmmm... I think that is a bit of an ignorant and not very nice comment. I don't know OP's reasons for not living near home but I do know that it's not always possible for many professionals. I would love to live near my parents but my and DH's job don't make that possible plus my parents live in an expensive part of the country and we wouldn't be able to afford a house near them.

Xmasbaby11 · 04/02/2017 17:33

I'd feel disappointed too. Ok they can't pop over to help out for an hour or two, but why can't they come for a few days?

I feel sure if it were my parents they would organise visits to me in advance and then plan the local visits around that.

I can think of numerous examples of friends whose parents live a few hours away (or a flight) and they come and stay to help, for days or weeks at a time. It's what loving parents do, if they can.

I think your parents are prioritising your sister's family. I would definitely not move closer as they may not change.

Rhayader · 04/02/2017 17:37

MIL helps with our kids quite a bit, my SIL lives much further away and MIL has told be when she has kids, she wont be able to help anywhere near as much. Long drives take their toll, especially as you get older.

Rugbyplayersarehot · 04/02/2017 17:38

I had sympathy with you until you said they are not big thinkers maybe they know how you view them.

Chinnygirl · 04/02/2017 17:38

My brother gets all the attention and visits and presents. I am the one living 20 min. Away and my brother 2,5 hours. My dad doesn't have time or feels like visiting me. In general he comes over about once every two years. He feels that I should come to him and gets angry if I invite him over to my place for dinner. He visits my brother every month.

I took care of my terminally ill mum for every weekend for 1,5 year so my dad could have the weekend off.

I have given up on trying. I have enough nice family members, lovely friends and am really popular everywhere. I truly am not bragging. More people want to be friends with me than I have time for but my dad thinks I am trash. I divorced after 13 years because XDP wanted to sleep/was sleeping with someone else. I will not be forgiven (he is not religious though).

All hell will have to freeze over before I care for him when he gets old. His mind is starting to go and sometimes my brother calls me what we should do. I told him that since dad puts all his trust in him he can arrange stuff. My brother is a friendly guy but doesn't like doing stuff for others. Good luck!

Isetan · 04/02/2017 17:46

Get a grip, you sound petty and entitled. There are consequences to moving away and diminished family support is one of them, deal with it or move closer to your parents.

Sung · 04/02/2017 19:12

OP - this sounds really hard.

I do not think you sound petty or entitled.

If you could move to be back in your hometown do you think this dynamic would continue?

PIL bend over backwards for SIL and her kids and they live 2 hrs away. We live 5 mins away. It isn't always distance. Primarily I think it was that SIL had her children first and they went a bit OTT (and SIL took advantage and a precedent was set). I think they actively decided to be more 'hands off' with us (despite declaring that our DC are better behaved etc). Has it caused resentment - yep - especially as both my parents are dead so they are the only grandparents.

If it is the distance then, and that is a big thing, I would do everything I could to move closer.

jacks11 · 04/02/2017 19:20

I think YABU, although I do understand where you are coming from. I know being a single parent is hard (having been one) and it's exhausting. But you have to be realistic about how much support your parents can be when they live several hours journey away. You really can't expect the same amount of contact/help if you live that far away.

My family are in a similar situation- I live close to my parents and they help out quite a lot with childcare and spend a lot of time with DD. They have a very close relationship, especially so with DD and my DM as they share a hobby. My DB lives several hours away and is very annoyed that my parents are closer to DD than his DC, and that they do more childcare for me than him. However, there is no way mum could do things like school pick up/drop off for him (she often does this for DD) due to the distances involved. I get that it's not entirely "equal" but I think DB is unrealistic. I have no doubt if he lived closer that DM would do more.

I think you should talk to your parents and ask for a bit more help- don't make it into a "it's so unfair" or bashing your sister. It won't help. Explain that you're finding things hard going as a single parent and could do some help with childcare and you'd really appreciate some help. See what they say?

KateDaniels2 · 04/02/2017 19:34

You want them to stop helping your sister out to visit you more? You know for fact thats the reason they dont visit?

My pil is 4-5hour trip there and back. Its shit. We dont often do it. I can imagine your parents feel the same. My pil moved away. Why should i spend a weekend once a month visiting them?

If you want a better relationship with them....why dont you move closer?

I wanted a close relationship with my parents where i saw them alot, so i never moved too far from them.

atheistmantis · 04/02/2017 19:37

You can't expect it to be the same when you don't live close by.

Notnownornever · 04/02/2017 19:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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