To expect my counsellor to be helping me more?

[user1480954406]

I'm currently having counselling for historical child sex abuse/exploitation. I haven't dealt with it and I decided about a year ago that I needed to have counselling as I don't want to carry the sadness and anger I feel about it forever.

I'm on my third session and I'm starting to feel like it's not helpin, actually making it worse if anything. And my counsellor seems to just let me talk and then repeat what I've said back to me. I haven't been getting upset in the sessions at all and she says she thinks I've developed very strong strategies for keeping myself emotionally safe, and I actually get the feeling even she thinks that I don't need counselling? Like she's a bit like, you're coping really well... and yet you find yourself here?

I don't know, I kind of expected the counselling to go a bit different and to get a bit more advice/reassurance, but it's so awkward and there are loads of moments of weird silence.

Aibu to expect her to be saying more?

I don't know whether I just need a LOT of reassurance because I haven't spoken out in years, she does say "gosh that must have been hard", "you must have been alone" but like I think when I'm saying stuff about being ashamed I feel like she should be correcting me a bit more? If that's even appropriate? Like I think I literally just need somebody to tell me 100000 times it wasn't my fault? So I don't know if I'm expecting too much.

And I feel like the convo goes

I feel like this

Yeh I'm really getting this sense of you feeling like this.

So where do you go from there? How do I not feel like that then?!

I spoke to my oh and he said he expected me to be wAy worse than I am and that he thinks I'm just hitting a wall 3 weeks in and it will get better

Change therapists. It took me 3 goes to find the right one. He is brilliant and helps so much.
for you OP.. Its tough but you're doing the right thing to have counselling or at least give it a good try. I would honestly switch to someone else you feel a rapport with. When I met my guy I just knew straight away he'd be a good fit for me and my needs.

Hi OP,
I experienced a trauma 3 years ago (not abuse related) and couldn't move on. I tried counselling, but found that although it helped at the time to talk about it, it didn't help me once I left the session.
The only thing that worked for me was EMDR (please google for info). It makes you process things you couldn't at the time and allows you to move on. It sounds quite bizarre as a process, but it really did work. Maybe you could look into this. I was referred by my GP. x

I work in MH

What you are experiencing is how most counselling/ therapy works.

The counsellor should not give advice because that would be imposing their own solutions on the client which might actually be wrong for that person. They are there to help you to find your own solutions.

Equally they are not there to offer their opinion on how you feel. If she said 'oh god that's terrible' many people might actually feel judged or shamed and feel worse. If she said 'you should not feel ashamed' many people would feel that's just dismissing their feelings.

There's also a danger that if she told you what to do or how to feel you would become dependent on her for validation whereas the idea is for her to help you to help yourself as that's the only sustainable thing really.

Basically it's a private, safe, neutral space to explore your feelings and coping strategies.

In the end you don't need her to sympathise with you or to take away your shame. You need to be able to forgive yourself and comfort yourself.

What strikes me from your post is that you feel you need someone to say 100,000 tomes that it wasn't your fault.

And yet intellectually you know it wasn't your fault.

It actually wouldn't help for very long if she did tell you because at an emotional level you wouldn't believe her. It's yourself you need to convince not someone else. You need to find a way to believe for yourself that it wasn't your fault.

Would you feel able to talk to your counsellor about this? I'd be concerned that your expectations wouldn't be met if you change your counsellor because you seem to be seeking advice /validation /sympathy etc and this isn't what the process is

One of the first rules of counselling is to not show sympathy

But to empathise

Poor you, how could that person be so cruel to you and statements along those lines isn't really what counselling is about as the work isn't about how the counsellor feels about you and what you have been through

That you are getting frustrated at feeling you are not being acknowledged/heard might be coming from deeper feelings but right now to project that on to your counsellor is part of the work

of course it's down to you if you wish to continue to see this counsellor or move on but you might get a similar non response with another therpaist. counselling is very difficult the journey can be very painful and feeling annoyed/angry at your therapist is very common

and not all therapists are warm in their approach that isn't to say the work isn't as valuable

AJudy you've probably hit the nail on the head. That's one of the things I said o wanted to be able to get from counselling, to be able to reconcile how I feel deep down about what happened with how I rationally feel if that makes sense. Knowing I shouldn't feel ashamed doesn't make me not feel so much shame. But also I'm thinking on some level, god the counsellor is going to think this is my fault and I feel like I need constant reassurance that she doesn't think that? Which I shouldn't need because I know it's not my fault. But yeh.

I don't feel like I'm not being heard I just think I really really need that validation of "poor you". Which I also think is bloody ridiculous because I've only just realised I need reassurance. Not talking about it ever has always made me v intolerant of self indulgent/attention seeking when people have been through stuff, so I think I've realised that actually I feel that way about myself, so when I do realise I need somebody to feel a bit sorry for me or acknowledge my pain and it's kind of met with nods that really really hurts, and makes me feel like a helpless child again.

And then I feel really angry at myself for being so needy and self indulgent, and I think then the counsellor just thinks I'm being dramatic about it all because she's not shocked or sympathetic.

This is exactly how good therapy works.I've just had a year of therapy dealing with exactly the same thing as you.Theraputic relationships are by definition one way .You give all the emotion out whilst the therapist listens and gives you the tools to go forward.What I remembered was unbelievably traumatic,some I'ld hidden and didn't remember until I talked in therapy and there were times I really wished my therapist had,as I perceived it,said 'there there that was really awful' out loud.However he didn't.What you have to remember is that therapists are humans with feelings and mine like yours probably feels the disgust and pain we do.However they can't show it,they have to act in a controlled and impassive way and to you neutral.Your therapist is taking notice of you and listening and probably taking on your pain.After the sessions therapists have to see their own therapists.
please persevere as I did,you will get so much out of it.I thought for so long that I couldn't go on with it because the memories were too much but my therapist listened,didn't judge and believed me and eventually I broke through.This time last year I couldn,t leave the house because of my social phobias now I.ve gone out ,made friends and am thinking of getting a job.
Believe,you will get strong and live again just as I have but don't 'avoid' it when it gets difficult,push through,it,s worth it.
Sorry this has been an essay but I really wanted to let you realise that you should carry on.
All the best.

It's hard isn't it

It really is but her showing sympathy could shut down all those other feelings you have and that will come to the surface (if they are not already)

It's very early days sometimes you will leave a session feeling really good other times it all seems far to difficult and more painful that is all part of the work

It doesn't sound like this counsellor suits you and I think this reflective style is not very helpful for reconciling past trauma.

I know you said you couldn't afford private therapy but have you actually costed this out? Many therapists have sliding scale fees based on your income, and there's nothing that says you have to go every week - you could go once a fortnight, for example.

Are there any self-help groups for survivors near you? NAPAC could help signpost you. Sometimes being in a group situation with others who've experienced the same thing can be very validating and you can get that sense of "actually I am right to be so wounded by this, and everyone here thinks it wasn't my fault".

There are lots of types of counselling. She is a person centred counsellor which can be a bit "wishy washy" for some. If you want to change your thinking about it Cbt might work or psychotherapy. I had cbt after years of having a negative people around me. It did me the world of good.
It sounds like you have been in a terrible situation and most people would have been damaged by that. I hope you get the help you need.
An organisation called NAPAC night help you. Don't give up.

It's difficult when you use these free services, as I've had similar experiences of not clicking with a counsellor, and just feeling really awkward. I've also had a good one where I was able to babble away or cry as I needed.

To me it looks like you are gaining some really valuable insights into how you have coped and how that has shaped your thinking. In that sense the therapy is working.

Recognising your fear that the therapist is judging you or blaming you is part of the process.

She definitely isn't so it allows you to identity the thoughts that you have projected onto her.

Maybe you could share that thought with her and tell her that you worry she is blaming you/ feel the need to hear her say you're not to blame. If you overtly asked her 'do you blame me?' I expect that rather than say 'no of course not' she might say 'no but I wonder why you might think that' and that could lead to interesting reflections

I would urge you to give it a bit longer. Everything that is being evoked for you that you are writing here sounds like a very weighty part of the therapeutic process. Please give her a bit longer before you walk away. The small child in you is desperate for that constant validation and that is exactly what you could potentially explore with her.

OP, your last few posts show that due to the counselling you're doing a lot of reflecting on your emotional wants and and responses. This is good! You're gaining greater insight into yourself. These are the areas to keep working on. Most of the benefits of therapy are the reflections, greater understanding and changes that the client goes through between sessions.
Go back to counselling and take these new insights with you.

You're three weeks in and honestly this is part of the process. It's a shame she hasn't explored your expectations of counselling a bit more to begin with as I always ask my clients what they expect or want from our sessions and I can then explain what I can and can't do and why.
I work within a person-centred context (use whatever you want to bring to the sessions and you are very much in control and lead it) but I also have psychodynamic training (working with stuff from the past. Stuff from the sub and unconscious level and childhood etc) as well. But the first 4-6 sessions really are about me building a picture of the client and their experiences and life and issues. Only once I really feel they know they are in control and are being heard and understood would I begin to make links with their past and suggest links between current issues and past. Does that make sense?

So from what you're saying your counsellor is working in a person C entree way where you have the answers and she is giving you space to find them. She may be very quiet and reflecting your own words to help you hear yourself properly and you sound like you are making your own realisations in your own time. Take what you are thinking to the next session. Talk about your need for reassurance. See what happens next...but be reassured this is counselling in action. It's not about advice or absolution or anything like that. No magic wands. But it should help you find your own strength and answers inside.

Sounds like the wrong therapy, these things can make things worse as you process, but I too have seen this sort of counsellor. They are more for you to just talk, rather than give you ways to deal. I would discuss this with her/him.

I think maybe give mindfulness/yoga a proper go of it if the talking therapies don't work? Or if that makes it worse I've heard exercise therapies help (I've heard of cycling and walking clubs for rape victims) basically keeping researching things you want to try.

The posts here asking you to keep going are wrong - Like you I knew pretty quickly that talking through my past was making things worse. I was convinced to keep going for months & it made me suicidal. No shame in trying a bit of everything to see what works for you.

I would consider a clinical psychologist if you can, they're trained in multiple approaches to meet your needs. Don't force yourself to continue if it doesn't feel right

I did counselling and hated every session. It all seemed so vague. I actually got bored hearing myself speak. The outcome was ok.

A few years later I had some more issues and did CBT instead, and it was a breath of fresh air. It was like being given an instruction manual.
When you finish your counselling see your GP and ask if its available.

This sounds like person centred counselling, rather than some more active styles of counselling. Look for another counsellor that has a different method. You might find Humans Given more useful. Please do not be persuaded that it is too early on to decide. After 3 sessions you will know yourself if this counsellor is right for you or not.