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AIBU?

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Original poster

I'm thinking another baby shower so soon is a little 'not done'?

57 replies

bummymummy77 · 04/02/2017 12:02

Admittedly I'm in the States where the baby shower tradition is a bit more full on but I think even here this is a little off.

Dsil is throwing herself a baby shower. She's having another girl 18 months after the last.

In huge letters on the shower invitation it tells you she's registered at Amazon. It's not a small line, it's bigger than their names even!

I understand having a shower if you're having a child of a different sex or kids really far apart but she has a shit ton of clothes from the first, she's just adamant that it's unfair for the new baby to wear hand me downs.

I'm a little embarrassed as I've been put on it as one of the hosting names.

Not to mention I never made any offer to co host this time, was not consulted on the date even! I only found out about it last night when I was handed an invitation. I've just been given a huge list of things to buy and do. Oh and it's in two bloody weeks!

Am I being unreasonable in being a bit annoyed and thinking this is a little crass?

OP posts:
FireInTheHead · 04/02/2017 12:46

Even more reason to tell them no, OP. If they hate you already, what have you got to lose? Appeasing them and constantly rolling over for them isn't making them love you is it?
Throw you out of the family? Well, unless you're living in their family home and somehow dependent on them, what does that even mean? Also I'd get your DH to stop giving you death stares and start showing some solidarity: as in he too could say: "Yeah. No, we won't be doing that. Now, what about those Falcons hey?"

Original poster
bummymummy77 · 04/02/2017 12:49

I can't lie about being sick. I feel like karma will get me. Dh says we should arrange a trip away and say we forgot but that's going to look so bloody obvious. We having an emergency family meeting this morning to 'brainstorm' ideas to get out of it. How American are we? Grin

Why didn't I just say no last night? I'm such a bloody wimp! I need to take assertiveness classes.

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 04/02/2017 13:03

It sounds greedy to me having a second baby shower unless there's a huge age gap, the father is out of the picture or she's moved to a new area.

Not being totally sure what hostess duty entails I googled - as a nominated hostess do you pay for part of it? - setting up decor, providing food, arranging games and favours. Pretty cheeky to land you with that without asking you first.

AuroraBora · 04/02/2017 13:09

Unbelievably grabby!

How about your DH pretends he's booked you and him a surprise weekend away, so of course you didn't know about it.

He can call his family and lie and get you all out of it, whilst also protesting your innocence in the whole affair, and you can have a weekend trip somewhere Grin

FireInTheHead · 04/02/2017 13:10

I've never known anyone here talk about 'brainstorming' ideas on how to say 'no' to pushy, grabby relations. So, not so sure that's an American thing. Sounds more like a 'just you, then' thing. We go with. "No. We won't be doing that." or "We have other plans." That just us though, you do you.

ptangyangkipperbanguuh · 04/02/2017 13:11

Not being au fait with Baby Showers, I had no idea they were only for the first child! How awful!! Poor DC2 . Obviously not in the case you cite, but in many other cases, you might not know if the baby would be the same sex as DC1. And, as a second child, I know how overlooked you can feel throughout your childhood/whole life!!
That aside, your mum to be sounds a bit grabby...

noeffingidea · 04/02/2017 13:29

dame why would you need a shower for each baby? You just re use the things you bought or were given for the first baby.
Yeah, I wouldn't go to this one. I honestly can't think of anything more boring than sitting round yaking about being pregnant or whatever it is they do at baby showers. I'd just buy a gift when the baby is born.

noeffingidea · 04/02/2017 13:32

ptang you don't need a whole set of new stuff for a second baby, even if it is the opposite sex. And why on earth would an unborn baby feel overlooked because their mother didn't have a baby shower for them?

MrDacresEUSubsidy · 04/02/2017 13:32

Invent important thing.
Tell grabby relative that her gift-grab clashes with your important thing and you'd forgotten.
Tell relative that you cannot change the important thing and that had she asked you before deciding you would be a host, then you could have told her.
Tell her to enjoy her gift grab - and if you're feeling particularly bold, then when she moans about you not being there to do XYZ suggest that she re-uses these things from her last shower which was only 5 minutes ago.

MrDacresEUSubsidy · 04/02/2017 13:34

Personally I think she's being selfish. Of course the new baby needs new things. I presume she has a new Father - because sharing the 'old' one is presumably a no-no? Has she bought a new car? Moved house? These are all 'second hand things' that need to be replaced!

Christ some people are batshit.

DesignedForLife · 04/02/2017 13:35

adamant that it's unfair for the new baby to wear hand me downs.

I don't mind baby showers but YANBU

EatTheChocolateTeapot · 04/02/2017 13:39

Just go along, don't be particularly useful and bring whatever present you want to bring, a list is just suggestions/ideas.

jay55 · 04/02/2017 13:45

Oh dear we just checked the date, we can't make it after all. You don't need an excuse or reason.

Olympiathequeen · 04/02/2017 13:46

Like a newborn is going to notice she is wearing her sisters baby clothes? Hmm

Hideous grabby events but you're stuck now.

MissMrsMsXX · 04/02/2017 13:46

Grabby
Awful

ptangyangkipperbanguuh · 04/02/2017 13:47

noeffing you feel overlooked later when you see the lack of photos ....
But , you are right you don't need much new stuff. Nothing wrong with a party for the new mum and a few little gifts though. I think it is important to acknowledge that the mum to be may be anxious even the second time round, often in completely different ways and still deserves a bit of TLC. But not to the extent of the OPs friend!

Allthewaves · 04/02/2017 13:48

I'd be texting her to her 'iv worked out the cost is X for what you want brought for the listyou gave me. Should I pop round tomorrow to get the money off you so I can go buy the stuff?'

But then I'm a bit evil mwahahah

YouHadMeAtCake · 04/02/2017 13:53

YANBU. Here they call it a baby Sprinkle for a second baby. I was invited to one by a woman who had already had one for her first (same sex) baby not too long before and got shed loads of gifts. I was busy that day.

Badcat666 · 04/02/2017 14:06

Why the feck do you need a "host" for a bloody party?? Is she unable to get up off her arse and open a door or talk to people? Is her Partner unable to lay some food and drink out on a table?

It's not a gala or guest speaker, it's just a party where people bring gifts and eat/ drink.

Badcat666 · 04/02/2017 14:06

gala event I mean

quarkinstockcubes · 04/02/2017 14:06

It's a new life, not the same baby. People would buy gifts regardless.

Yes they probably would, but it seems with the BIG writing there is a big emphasis on the gift side here, back up by the woman saying she doesn't want her dd2 to wear hand me downs. I personally think including a gift registry for your first baby is rude so including it for a second baby within 18 months is beyond rude.

I had 2 girls within 18 months and made it very clear that I did not want any gifts as I already had everything. My poor dd2 has fared well considering she has grown up in hand me downs.

Sprinklestar · 04/02/2017 14:09

I'm British but live in the US (East Coast). Here second and third baby showers are called sprinkles and are noticeablely smaller and quieter. Totally normal to still have a baby registry at Amazon, Buy Buy Baby, Land of Nod etc, much as we would have one at JL for a wedding.

quarkinstockcubes · 04/02/2017 14:15

I can understand a registry at a wedding as the bride and groom in theory are starting off life together and they are hosting you at their wedding. Can't get my head around a baby registry though. Sprinklestar what sort of things do people have on their baby registry?

AcrossthePond55 · 04/02/2017 14:18

Baby AND Bridal showers are not supposed to be thrown by Bride/Mum-to-be nor by members of their family, so SiL is doing a 'double breach' of etiquette by involving you. And yes, for the first baby/marriage only. Exception is a baby shower for a subsequent baby if there is a large age gap. I had one given for me for DS2, but he and DS1 are 5 1/2 years apart AND we had moved and given everything away in the meantime.

OlennasWimple · 04/02/2017 14:19

Agree with Sprinklestar (based on my E Coast USA experience too)

I am completely in favour of hand-me-downs. I love NCT / nearly new type sales, I pass on clothes and I gratefully and enthusiastically accept clothes from other parents. But... it is nice for a second child to have at least some things that are new! And if the age gap is small, there will be some things like a highchair that DC1 is still using and they will need a second one for DC2

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