about this apology

[ThisllOutMe]

Dh and I have some issues . . . we argue quite a lot and it's become a bit of a pattern of mutual dispespect. Whether there's miles left in the marriage or not is the fundamental issue, but I wouldn't mind some perspective on this morning's incident. A difference of opinion turned into an argunent this morning (we are about to take on a large mortgage and I am having a wobble about whether this is the best idea under current circumstances) and he said 'oh don't be stupid'. This is the second time he's called me stupid in the last 24 hours and I was pretty cross.
One of my main problems with him is he never apologises. I have to wring an apology out of him and that's always after a whole ridiculous performance of self-justification and minimising of whatever he's said/done, even when he completely knows he's in the wrong. Anyway he went off downstairs and a few minutes later I went to the loo.
Mid-poo (sorry) he appears in front of me and starts saying 'I'm sorry . . .'
I was having a shit! And we've got 2 small kids with no respect for personal space - and I've got my period as well, I wasn't in the most dignified position! I yelled at him 'Can I not be left alone to use the toilet? Go away!' He just stood there! I yelled 'get out' and pushed the door closed.
Have I in effect completely rejected a genuine attempt at improvement by him or was I completely justified in my response?

I think nuance needs to be considered in terms of the wider relationship as well. If it's accepted as playfulness /banter in a secure relationship that's one thing, but in the context of an argument in an already shaky marriage then it's clearly not something to just be brushed off.

OP, it sounds like he's not willing to engage with your concerns, which would be a big worry for me if I were taking on a big new financial commitment.

And he shouldn't have come in to the bathroom . You probably should have shut the door though.

You are being unreasonable.

" I'm in my en-suite, in my bedroom, on a different floor of the house while he's downstairs doing breakfast fir the children. I'm not expecting him, or them, to come back upstairs"

I had a shit in a dense wood, about 30 miles from the nearest civilisation. I had already walked for about three hours without seeing anyone, so certainly wasn't expecting anyone to appear, when an entire Outward Bound group suddenly appeared, about 40 yards awat, in my direct line of vision.

I think their appearance was fairly unexpected, but even then I would have been unreasonable to blame them!

Had I been in an open doored bathroom which led directly off a bedroom that I actually shared with someone else, I would have been totally unreasonable to expect them not to come into their bedroom or open doored bathroom.

Unless you habitually poo in front of each other, I think your DH was entirely reasonable to assume 'closed door = possible poo' 'open door = teeth / hair / make-up etc'.

Are you looking for things to fight with him about, ThisllOutMe? I don't mean that unkindly ... it could be that deep down you feel it's the end of the road, so you are trying to justify that feeling.

I think you need to talk to him about it. On here you'll get people telling you to LTB. In reality he said don't be stupid and apologised to you while you were taking a shit with the door open. It's not really for anyone else to guess whether its a power and lack of respect thing or he's stressed out about everything too and is wrapped up in that and being a bit thoughtless.

TALK to him. You know him better than us!

I get what you're saying ADish - but once he was at the bathroom door, he could obviously see I was on the loo, and maybe not the best time to deliver his momentous aopology?
Yes I am probably, if not actually looking for things to fight about, at least very quick to react to things.
sigh

Wise words HaveaCupofTea - unfortunately we are shit at talking to each other. Hence why we are in this situation.
Bigger sigh

There seems to be a complete lack of respect in your relationship and that is what shapes everything else. Picking apart an individual incident seems a bit pointless when there is a fundamental problem.

I cannot understand why anyone would ever want and apology that they had to wring out of someone. I don't get that at all. Tell him how you feel, if he cares he will apologise, if he doesn't care, what's the point of an apology?

I don't have conversations with people when I am in the bathroom but if you want boundaries, you should close the door. Having said that, he should have just closed the door and waited for you.

"Don't be stupid" is almost always dismissive and rude. There might be times it can be used in an affectionate way, but it doesn't sound like it was on this occasion.

"unfortunately we are shit at talking to each other"

Could you start by writing it down? At least in enough depth to explain why you shouldn't proceed with the new house purchase.

If you get past all this together, then there will be other, equally good, houses to buy in the future.

If you try, but don't get past this together, the larger mortgage may make a split all the more complex.

Forget the poo and the apology, ThisllOutMe, and sit down and write out your feelings, start in a small way, with something obvious (like the house, as I say) and from that you might be able to talk to him about what you've written (if not you could just show him).

It sounds like you guys need to open up a bit more. If he's unwilling to try and talk to you there isn't really a marriage to save as you both need to put effort in.
Can you afford counselling or therapy if some sort with him?