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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

about this apology

58 replies

ThisllOutMe · 04/02/2017 08:44

Dh and I have some issues . . . we argue quite a lot and it's become a bit of a pattern of mutual dispespect. Whether there's miles left in the marriage or not is the fundamental issue, but I wouldn't mind some perspective on this morning's incident. A difference of opinion turned into an argunent this morning (we are about to take on a large mortgage and I am having a wobble about whether this is the best idea under current circumstances) and he said 'oh don't be stupid'. This is the second time he's called me stupid in the last 24 hours and I was pretty cross.
One of my main problems with him is he never apologises. I have to wring an apology out of him and that's always after a whole ridiculous performance of self-justification and minimising of whatever he's said/done, even when he completely knows he's in the wrong. Anyway he went off downstairs and a few minutes later I went to the loo.
Mid-poo (sorry) he appears in front of me and starts saying 'I'm sorry . . .'
I was having a shit! And we've got 2 small kids with no respect for personal space - and I've got my period as well, I wasn't in the most dignified position! I yelled at him 'Can I not be left alone to use the toilet? Go away!' He just stood there! I yelled 'get out' and pushed the door closed.
Have I in effect completely rejected a genuine attempt at improvement by him or was I completely justified in my response?

OP posts:

Boulshired · 04/02/2017 09:46

There is a huge difference in entering a bedroom and entering a bathroom. I would be caught out to enter my bedroom to find someone doing their business with the door open.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 04/02/2017 09:56

I think 'Oh don't be stupid' really depends on context. 'I think I'll try putting OJ in my coffee'. Harmless. 'I have a lump in my breast, I'm scared it might be cancer'. Hurtful. 'Our marriage is fucked, I don't think getting a bigger mortgage is a good idea'...'Don't be stupid' is dismissive & out of order.

It was unnecessary of him to apologise while you were on the toilet. He should have shown some consideration & waited. Possibly an indication of why your marriage isn't in a good place. His lack of consideration.

It's hard to comment on the mortgage without knowing all the facts, but if you are not happy, then don't do it.

I hope you can sort your marriage out, but there's no point in flogging a dead horse, life is too short to be miserable.

TheStoic · 04/02/2017 10:05

really? Uptight much? Even in a different scenario?
"husband, I scratched your car, I am so upset"
"Don't be stupid, it doesn't matter".

No, not in a scenario where it's meant kindly. It's amazing how some people can understand nuance with half a second's thought. And others can't.

Allthewaves · 04/02/2017 10:06

You seem to be hypersensitive to him.

Original poster

ThisllOutMe · 04/02/2017 10:10

allthewaves that's part of the bigger picture, yes.

OP posts:

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 · 04/02/2017 10:14

Wtf?! I dont have a lock on my bathroom door. Ive never lived anywhere with locks on the toilet door, except in halls at uni. I would still not expect someone to walk in while i was using the bathroom. It would still be unacceptable to walk in knowing someone was on the toilet. This is made worse by how he had previously spoken to you and that he had decide to apologise with such poor timing.

Op you sound like you dont like each other. The relationship makes you unhappy. You could make a joke of it and tell him that what he said upset yunbecause... But that was a literally shitty apology but you appreciate that he has realised why he upset you.

Or you could work out whether you want to be with him. You havent exchanged. It is not too far down the line to pull out.

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 04/02/2017 10:18

I think the people who can't see the problem with "don't be stupid" are looking at it through the lens of a healthy relationship where it is just a casual, throwaway remark. In OP's case I think her DH is being dismissive and disrespectful of her opinions and, when this has happened multiple times, I don't think it was an overreaction on her part. The only person who can really judge this OP is you, because you know the dynamics of your marriage. If you think he belittles and disrespects you, you're probably right.

Strongmummy · 04/02/2017 10:26

God, sounds like you're uber sensitive and looking for reasons to be angry with him. My husband and I often call each other "daft" or "stupid", but don't take offence as it's done playfully. We often have conversations when one of us is in the bog!!!!! Obviously your relationship is not in a good place at all as you felt he wasn't being playful and was being disrespectful. You are right: don't get this mortgage until you've had a full and frank about your relationship. All the best.

Strongmummy · 04/02/2017 10:29

And btw, I think most men have issues with apologising. Drives me nuts!!!

lifetothefull · 04/02/2017 10:33

DH and I never walk in on each other deliberately on the loo, but I suspect other couples are different in their boundaries on this. However if he did come in, my reaction would be more than . I think you both need to sort out the way you speak to each other. I would accept his apology for the stupid comment, but you need to agree some kind of cease fire and a time when you can both actually listen to the others concerns without trying to find an agreement (which leads to argument).

MyNewBearTotoro · 04/02/2017 10:46

I think if you're having a poo in a shared house with the door open that doesn't suggest you're that bothered about privacy. I would never open a door and walk in on somebody in the bathroom but if the door was open I might conclude they weren't feeling that bothered about anybody seeing. If you want a private poo shut the door, and use the lock if you have one!

Obviously it wasn't a good time to try and apologise but he may have not realised you were in the bathroom having a poo until he entered the bathroom and perhaps he was too focused on wanting to apologise to really think about the fact it might not feel very dignified for you.

Yes, he was wrong to call you stupid, although I agree with previous posters who say for some people it is just a turn of phrase and not everybody thinks about the fact it can feel belittling to be told you're being stupid. It's hard to say whether he meant to make you feel small or whether he ignorantly chose a bad way to express that he doesn't share your concerns about the mortgage. Definitely worth pulling him up on and asking him not to talk to you like that however he meant it but not necessarily worth arguing about if he didn't mean it in the way you took it.

Hopefully he will apologise to you again in a more appropriate setting, but I also think if you want privacy then next time you need to indicate that by at least shutting the door. A wide open door would not suggest to me that the person inside the room didn't want to be interrupted.

WhatWouldLeslieKnopeDo · 04/02/2017 10:46

It seems a bit odd to complain about not being in a dignified position if you didn't even bother to close the bathroom door I'm struggling to imagine why anyone would use the loo with the door open, but presumably this is normal for you so I don't know that it's really fair to suddenly change your expectations. If you want privacy then close the door!

Having said that, he sounds like a bit of an arse and I would also be very wary about taking on a large mortgage if your relationship is precarious.

I would feel very uncomfortable if someone was on the loo with the door open. I certainly wouldn't try and engage them in conversation. I refuse to even have conversations through the bathroom door. But I am quite far down the prudishness scale if you often have conversations while one of you is using the loo then he probably didn't see any difference.

kali110 · 04/02/2017 10:51

talkingof really? I've never been anywhere without a lock on the bathroom! I'd feel massively uncomfortable if there wasn't.

RandomMess · 04/02/2017 10:56

Your marriage sounds ultra rocky at the moment and I can 100% get for that and financial reasons your concerns at so so valid. I would hate to be interrupted on the loo!!!

Do you think that you'll be able to have a proper conversation about it? Have you thought about seeing a therapist together because if you don't sort out communication it's pretty doomed isn't it?

Niskayuna · 04/02/2017 10:56

Completely justified. I am a locked-door bathroom sort of person. I won't even tolerate someone knocking. Honestly, given that he keeps calling you stupid I wouldn't be surprised if this was in some part intended to humiliate you.

Original poster

ThisllOutMe · 04/02/2017 10:58

Hmmmm, I don't think this is about whether the door was closed or not, really. I'm in my en-suite, in my bedroom, on a different floor of the house while he's downstairs doing breakfast fir the children. I'm not expecting him, or them, to come back upstairs. When he came up, he would have known I was in the loo bacause I wasn't anywhere else, so he made the choice to come and talk to me regardless.

OP posts:

BarbarianMum · 04/02/2017 11:04

Your marriage sounds so over. You clearly don't even like him. Don't take out a mortgage, call it a day.

And if you want privacy in the bathroom shut the bloody door and lock it.

BarbarianMum · 04/02/2017 11:05

So you don't share a bedroom with him?

SuperFlyHigh · 04/02/2017 11:21

Agreed with Barbarian sorry about that.

I'm sure if you post more about your other marital problems it'd be a resounding LTB.

No way would I consider taking on a larger mortgage now but it seems he annoys the shit out of you generally and compounds your over sensitivity.

Original poster

ThisllOutMe · 04/02/2017 11:22

Actually, Barbarian, I like him very much (at least some of the time) but thank you for your helpful advice 😀

It has genuinely been useful and interesting to have the opportunity for some outside views. It's so easy to get locked in your own 'normal' and lose perspective. Thanks everyone.

OP posts:

daisychain01 · 04/02/2017 11:30

Please don't commit yourself to a big mortgage, that would be ill advised when your relationship is on shaky ground. It doesn't matter how far down the line you are, call a halt to it. You have a right to pull back and give yourself more time.

If your house is on the market, maybe now is the time to separate. That's normally the biggest challenge when separating, but if you are already there with a buyer, then use the opportunity.

I agree with bluebird that the "stupid" comment isn't fine in the context of your circumstances, you aren't being over sensitive.

Re barging in on you when you are sitting on the toilet, that's the sort of thing a toddler does. A grown man should have more self-control to leave his apology until you are in a more dignified condition to respond to it.

daisychain01 · 04/02/2017 11:31

"Stupid" is a way of minimising and humiliating you, dismissing your opinion as not being important.

daisychain01 · 04/02/2017 11:35

And just to say, I'm not normally an unconditional LTB'er, but I'm just pointing out a practicality. Not meaning to demand you rush headlong into immediate separation!

Liiinoo · 04/02/2017 11:35

I agree that some couples counselling might be useful. It needn't be expensive. If you are in the U.K. there is a charity called Marriage Care which doesn't have a set fee structure, they just ask for a weekly donation of an amount you feel you can afford.

picklemepopcorn · 04/02/2017 11:41

RE apologising, DH never does either. He thinks you should apologise if you have deliberately done something wrong. If you did it accidentally, then you didn't mean to. So no need to apologise. Apparently.

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