Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have met my friend last weekend?

76 replies

MadJeffBarn · 03/02/2017 11:15

A dear friend of mine lost her job last Friday. She wanted to meet up for a drink, but I had booked in a babysitter so I can paint our living room. We haven't done it in years and it was desperate, and literally my only weekend off for 2 months. Friend is now upset with me, even though I offered to meet with her another night instead. I tried explaining that it was the only night we could get a sitter and we had it planned since before Christmas. Wibu?

OP posts:
Katy07 · 03/02/2017 13:23

*I just keep failing to get to grips with how needy some adults are.

Honestly, I read stuff like this and I'm glad me and my best friend are both aspies!*

I'm so with you on this, TeaandOranges!

The OP wasn't totally blowing their friend off in their hour of need, the friend just obviously wanted to be a drama queen about it and have the whole evening focused on her. If she was really that cut up about it she'd have accepted one of the OP's offers.

hackmum · 03/02/2017 13:26

I'm with the OP. If the friend had been bereaved it might have been different, but losing your job? No, you don't just drop everything for that. But I think people without kids don't necessarily understand how you can't just rearrange that you've planned for ages.

Wishimaywishimight · 03/02/2017 13:35

She's your friend and she had something incredibly awful happen to her - she needed you and you prioritised painting your house. I too would be disappointed and upset with you - like a PP said, the walls aren't going anywhere and could have waited. You let her down.

Helipad · 03/02/2017 13:36

YANBU!! You were there for her but she actually wanted a piss up which you were unable to offer. Loosing a job is something that a fully grown adult should be abel to deal with. It can be a huge blow but you are ridiculous to expect your friends to drop everything just because of that. Especially if they've offered alternative days/calls/etc. Does she have form for neediness like this?

And I totally understand the need for booking a babysitter if you have small children but need to do some messy DIY like painting. You get it done so much quicker when there's no ankle biters to mind at the same time.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 03/02/2017 13:41

I don't necessarily think you were being U - you'd put a lot of time into organising an activity that was important to you. I do think though that if I'd heard 'I can't, I'm painting my walls' I would have thought I was incredibly unimportant to you. So actually I don't think either of you were U.

gleam · 03/02/2017 13:55

YANBU.

Did she know your plans beforehand?

Xmasbaby11 · 03/02/2017 13:57

Yanbu. You already had plans.

FrancisCrawford · 03/02/2017 14:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MadJeffBarn · 03/02/2017 14:09

Yes she knew my plans. I've talked about them for weeks. It was my birthday weekend and that's what I chose to do with it x

OP posts:
SheFeedsYouTeaAndOranges · 03/02/2017 14:12

Well in that case, I don't think anyone can object to what you said.

Birthday's seem to be another protected thing on MN so I reckon all the people who think you were U for not dropping everything are currently malfunctioning! Grin

Original poster
MadJeffBarn · 03/02/2017 14:17

shefeeds i feel like I probably should have mentioned the birthday and alternative arrangements in my first post 😣

OP posts:
MiaowMix · 03/02/2017 14:18

I don't think anyone's being that unreasonable, just feel a bit sorry for you that your partner can't look after the kids while you paint the room. Couldn't he do it at the weekend?
I feel even sorrier for you that you're stuck with that as a birthday treat! But it sounds like you don't want to socialise with your friend anyway, so I wouldn't over think it.

Original poster
MadJeffBarn · 03/02/2017 14:20

miaow i wanted to do it with my partner as this is a treat for us, we were going to crack open a bottle of wine and order a pizza and play some music loud while the kids weren't there. We haven't been financially good in the past few years so to be able to decorate is my idea of fun 😂 but that's what I wanted to invite my friend to x

OP posts:
strawberrypenguin · 03/02/2017 14:21

Not unreasonable at all. She could have come to you and helped paint or taken up your offer of another day.

SheFeedsYouTeaAndOranges · 03/02/2017 14:23

You live and learn, Mad. You live and learn Grin

SheFeedsYouTeaAndOranges · 03/02/2017 14:25

And it's exactly the sort of thing I do on my birthday too. Almost a bit jealous of you!

gandalf456 · 03/02/2017 14:32

You had plans. You didn't say you wouldn't meet her - just not that night. I personally would have left out the living room bit and made up some other excuse. I think she is being a bit U because obviously it's not the only evening she could meet with you. I would not expect my friend to drop everything for me under similar circumstances and would be happy to meet another time. If i needed someone to talk to, I'd contact someone else.

livefornaps · 03/02/2017 14:32

If I'd have been her I would have understood how much planning went into your diy weekend and gone along. Even if I was crying the entire time, I would have felt slightly better making a half hearted attempt at painting a wall.

Because really ...what good does "a proper session" do? It feels like the "right" thing at the time, but it's really just an expensive and ultimately fruitless folly. The fact she was insisting on it implies she would have drank waaaaay to much and probably not been that fun to be around. And then? You both wake up hungover, grumpy, sleep deprived with a good dent in your wallets AND you've wasted the opportunity to actually finally paint your living room (with a hangover you would have felt even crappier about that).

I think your friend needs to realise that self indulgence isn't the way. We all deserve a bit of a wallow, but it would have been better for her mindset to go and make an attempt at something practical, with a friend, and wine too! Smile especially as, unlike a bereavement, her loss is going yp require her to move on quickly and to take practical action. Getting hammered is fun and all but it seems like that was her end goal...rather than seeing and spending time with you. Don't feel bad.

Original poster
MadJeffBarn · 03/02/2017 14:44

shefeeds you seem like my kinda msnetter 😂

OP posts:
MiaowMix · 03/02/2017 14:51

Mad that does sound fun - have a good birthday! Flowers

Katy07 · 03/02/2017 15:00

So she wanted to come and wail all over your birthday celebrations?! Not only are you not unreasonable but she is being v. unreasonable.
And I can see how decorating could be a birthday thing, even without pizza Grin

SheFeedsYouTeaAndOranges · 03/02/2017 15:26

Grin Mad

BBCNewsRave · 03/02/2017 16:35

SheFeedsYou I just keep failing to get to grips with how needy some adults are.

Honestly, I read stuff like this and I'm glad me and my best friend are both aspies!

Erm - what?! It's the aspies I know/speak to (potentially including myself - awaiting assessment) who are the most kind people, loyal friends, and very sensitive. I can't believe you're calling it "needy" - as if we don't have enough to feel shit about already. IMO the world would be a much better place if these people were the norm - provided they give as much as they get iyswim.

That said, I'd happily have taken up the offer of a chat whilst chipping in with the painting so I don't think OP IBU.

Katy07 · 03/02/2017 16:42

It's the aspies I know/speak to (potentially including myself - awaiting assessment) who are the most kind people, loyal friends, and very sensitive.
I'm a (if I do say so myself & I'd better because no-one else will volunteer) kind, loyal & sensitive soul but some (neurotypical) people are very needy, in a drama queen, it's all about me, drop everything because my life is sooo terrible sort of way. It's not those who genuinely have a crisis (though I have to admit that sometimes I'll miss that it's a crisis and might need it pointing out a little more obviously because I'm too busy offering practical solutions when they just want tea and sympathy) - they'll get some sort of support. It's the ones who seem to jump from one crisis to another as if they can't cope without being the centre of attention.

SheFeedsYouTeaAndOranges · 03/02/2017 16:51

That's absolutely it, Katy.

I will happily spend 3 hours on speaker phone talking my aspie best friend through a trauma/crisis whilst I get on with things I need to do at home and she will do the same for me.

But what I can't do is interrupt my planned routine because a NT friend insists that the support I provide must look a certain way or I'm a shit friend.

I know some NT people who are spectacularly self centred and do expect their life to somehow trump everyone else's.