To not have met my friend last weekend?

[MadJeffBarn]

A dear friend of mine lost her job last Friday. She wanted to meet up for a drink, but I had booked in a babysitter so I can paint our living room. We haven't done it in years and it was desperate, and literally my only weekend off for 2 months. Friend is now upset with me, even though I offered to meet with her another night instead. I tried explaining that it was the only night we could get a sitter and we had it planned since before Christmas. Wibu?

I just keep failing to get to grips with how needy some adults are.

Honestly, I read stuff like this and I'm glad me and my best friend are both aspies!

For me a friend would always be more important than a painted wall, no matter the circumstances around said painted wall.

Everyone loses their job sometime. Grow up , don't blub, learn to cope without swilling.

I would never put a painted wall above my friend needing me, but to each their own I suppose.

Everyone loses their job sometime. Grow up , don't blub, learn to cope without swilling.

I would need a babysitter to paint the walls - toddlers and paint are not a good mix.

I think your friend is unreasonable to be cross, you offered alternatives after all.

You put painting a wall above your friend. She needed you and you let her down. YABU and not a very good friend. You were not doing anything that couldn't have waited.

Yet again I'm astounded by the petty selfishness of other people. Why on earth would the OP drop everything, including plans made with her partner that required babysitting, for a friend who had lost her job? She offered alternatives to behaving like a single twentysomething with no responsibilities and the friend refused. The OP is utterly reasonable. I can't understand why people are saying otherwise, tbh.

Well said! I thought I was living in a parallel universe reading some of the replies, having a pop at the OP.

I don't have small children that I need to find sitters for to enable me to do any DIY and I don't living in a small house where moving furniture to be able to paint a room presents the same kind of logistical challenge as it does for the OP. Also unlike the OP, I also get most weekends free.

However this weekend I am planning to work on renovating two old pieces of furniture and that is what I will be doing. I've been planning and thinking about it all week and have bought all the supplies in readiness. If a friend of mine lost her job and wanted me to drop everything to go on a 'session' instead, I would decline and tell her I was busy, because I will be, even though it would be far easier for me to change my plans than the OP.

If she wanted to come over for a coffee/chat fine. The OP didn't refuse to see her friend, she offered support and company based around her own schedule, but the friend just wasn't prepared to fit in around that. Her choice.

Yet again I'm astounded by the petty selfishness of other people. Why on earth would the OP drop everything, including plans made with her partner that required babysitting, for a friend who had lost her job? She offered alternatives to behaving like a single twentysomething with no responsibilities and the friend refused. The OP is utterly reasonable. I can't understand why people are saying otherwise, tbh

^YES! This exactly.

Seems like a lot of those needy people are posting on this thread

The OP offered alternatives which the friend turned down. If she was that upset surely she would have accepted one of them.

YANBU

Yet again I'm astounded by the petty selfishness of other people.

I totally third that (or forth?)

YANBU

I also agree with she feeds. The OP offered alternatives; the friend refused.

It depends on the friend for me these days. I remember my exDP taking a day off work so he could help me crack the last few bits of my dissertation, days before the deadline. My friend phoned up with man troubles and went on and on until she wore me down and I left and extremely pissed of exDP to go and see her (then had to stop up until 3 am another night to get the work done). A few years later me and DP were splitting up, I phoned her in floods of tears as he'd threatened to put me and my belongings out onto the pavement ... she didn't even have time to talk on the phone because she was taking her BFs mother clothes shopping. Lesson learnt there.

Another friend, on the other hand, I would crawl across broken glass for her, she's been there for me so many times, and I always answer the phone to her regardless of the hour of day or night. It works both ways. But she'd have probably turned up with a paint brush, a bottle of wine and a box of tissues and taken her sadness out on my walls so we both won!

You offered alternatives and a fair compromise. If she's upset that you wouldn't do her 'all or nothing' plan of drinking, then that's her problem I'm afraid. You did offer to be there for her, it's a shame it happened to her just as you were about to do something important but that's life sometimes.

What is important is that you offered to lean an ear, not the circumstances you do the listening in. I wouldn't drop everything to go drown my sorrows for a friend if I had other matters to deal with. I would quite happily see/speak to them whilst getting on with things though. Sounds to me like she just wanted an excuse to down a few rather than talk it through.

Losing her job sounds very rough for your friend. Going out and consoling with her sounded a good idea. But the timing didn't work for you.

But you did offer alternatives to that which would also work for you. Which is also a good idea IMO. She chose not to take you up on any of those alternatives. She had the offer to see you and it was in fact her choice not to!

If I was being very picky I would also say it wasn't actually time-critical to see you on that particular evening. The offer of sympathy and willingness to meet-up soon is what you expect from a friend when you need them, but you can't dictate the terms.

What a shame that your friend has the hump about it, but I don't think YABU.

I would have attempted to be a better friend. She was probably feeling like utter shit and if I was her, I would have been hurt to be placed below the colour of your living room walls on your list of priorities.

Posts like this (and most of the responses) make it clear why half the people on MN seem to endlessly moan about having no close friends.

She was being unreasonable.

I'm a bit that anyone is asking why you need a babysitter while you decorate. Visions of toddlers paddling paint and emulsion everywhere

You were reasonable.

However I absolutely would have met up with her. No question.

MadJeff, your friend has lost her job, unfortunate, but these things happen.
You said that you would go and see her for an hour, or she could come over to you.
You are entitled to honour your plan. She is entitled not to take you up on your offer. I think you are a great friend, and did put her first, but she was looking for a night out.
Don't give it another thought, hope you got the room painted ! 😄

Posts like this (and most of the responses) make it clear why half the people on MN seem to endlessly moan about having no close friends.

Totally agree. Not realising you are not at the centre of the universe must be a real bind to some people.

I know a few people who've been brought up to think that the world revolves around them, and they do indeed struggle.

Posts like this (and most of the responses) make it clear why half the people on MN seem to endlessly moan about having no close friends

It's actually all those needy demanding people that drive their friends away, posting that they have no close friends.

You asked her round and you offered a short meet up, both of which she declined. YANBU. You're not a bad friend for not doing exactly what a friend asks of you!

offering to meet her for an hour or to come over was reasonable in my eyes.

I'm shocked at how many people think the op is such a 'bad friend', and belittling her choices. It may 'only' be painting a room to some, but I think the OP was pretty clear in the fact that this had to be done now, with meticulous planning in doing so, or be left for goodness knows how long (and what costs). Why on earth is the issues the op has had with carrying out long-planned home improvements any less of an issue than the one the friend has? Why couldn't the friend come around to talk about it?

A bad friend is on who expects another to drop everything at a click of a finger, even if it's inconvenient. Not one that offers to lend an ear, but can't happen to do so all night long in a pub!

OP you have been totally reasonable.