DP and money

[SeagullBus]

DP and I have lived together for a few months in a property which belongs to his family member. All bills etc are in DPs name and we agreed to split everything 50/50, so I just transfer my half once a month to his bank.

I'm on paid leave from work at the minute, partner works full time, we earn the same. I have a DS from a previous relationship, DP has no children.

There was a misunderstanding with money and I ended up overpaying for the first couple of months, as well as giving him £100 towards bills before I moved in because he was short.

When we changed the fuel bill over, it turned out that his family member was a significant amount in credit, and they kindly allowed us to use this credit to pay off our first 3 months gas/electric bill instead of seeking a refund.

So for the first few months, I have given DP half our estimated gas and electric costs ( which was a generous estimate to be on the safe side). He has not used this money to pay for gas and electric, and has also had an extra £200+ from me between the misunderstanding and the extra i gave him before I moved in.

I drive a car which costs alot for insurance and road tax (my insurance doubled when i moved) DP does not drive but has full use of the car as I take him to and from work, hobbies, friends and errands in it. I do use the car to get DS to and from school and for my own errands too but I'd say it definitely benefits DP as much as it benefits me. He occassionaly gives me a nominal amount towards fuel but only if he knows I physically do not have cash to put any more in myself.

This month, I have given him £100 less than I normally would. I have told him earlier in the month that I would be doing this but he didn't think I was serious. I am short on cash myself this month, and don't see why I should be giving him an extra £50 for no reason plus paying gas and electric which isn't currently costing him anything.

I have next to no spare cash, my hair is a mess, my clothes are well past their best, the car needs work done on it, I spent my Christmas money on household costs and things for both of us when i would have loved a little bit to enjoy for just me. He isn't well off either but is more inclined to spend money on himself if he has it to spare whereas I'd spend it on the three of us or sometimes just on him.

I realise we need to have a conversation about money again and sort this out, but AIBU to think that giving him £100 less this month is perfectly justified? Especially since the extra I have paid in the past has left him with disposable income to spend on his hobby but I've had nothing.

Sorry, I should say that the reason I'm posting is that I transferred the money this morning and he has since checked his bank and called me out on the amount.

In your position I would think about funding my own home with ds and leaving the skinflint to his own devices.

I think there's an issue with timing.
If he's had more from you before and so owes you £100 that's fine - but if he's already spent it because he was expecting your £100, it's a bit off to drop him in it. That depends how tight his money is though.

But that specific issue aside - he doesn't sound like much of a partner, and this doesn't sound like a good relationship. You have different attitudes to money, never a good sign.

You're your own worst enemy here though.
Why are you prepared to give him £100 when you don't live together, yet don't ask him for petrol money when you're ferrying him about?
If it's truly equal use of car, time to make that a joint household cost like any other.

You are not the one being unreasonable he is.

So basically you have overpaid on your half of the gas and electric which he has not paid for anyway. Paid him £200 more than you needed to and now when you are paying him what you should be he is moaning about it?

You drive him everywhere but unlike all the other bills that are in his name that he pays half for he pays nothing towards the car (insurance or petrol) even though he uses it in the same way that you use the stuff in his house that he expects you to be paying half towards

Yes you do need to talk to him again, and I would make it clear that all bills should be 50/50 if the person gets a use out of it (so with the car either he pays towards it or he does not get lifts places)

You should be getting the gas and electric money that you paid him back as well

This relationship sounds horrible. You are more like flatmates in how you are sorting finances - it's not a partnership.
He sounds like he is doing very nicely out of you. He ought to have repaid your overpayment asap, and not continued to sponge off you. He has a nice little set up - you ferry him around, financially subsidise him and shag him to boot!

Time to move out. I bet you find you'll have loads of money to get your hair done and buy new clothes.

I think it depends on whether you agreed a set amount as "rent" to include all bills, or not.

But it doesn't sound like you have a good relationship if he's happy to take money from you that you can't afford so he can spend it on a hobby and leave you short.

He doesn't sound very kind or generous.

He spent it at the time I gave it to him. I'm not asking him to pay me back what I've given before- I've reduced the amount this month because I was previously overpaying. So what I've given this month is correct for my half of everything.

Have you told him you're not overpaying anymore?

Sometimes I read these threads and want to ask is your DP called 'X' as I know so many people so similar.

I would if you haven't already get a joint account. Then you can monitor what goes in and out. I would put my foot down and say I overpaid you for so many months, you have full access to my car which you rarely contribute to, so yes I'm going to pay £100 less and it's not up for discussion. If he starts with if's and buts just reiterate you've told him why, it's not open for discussion.

Where in the UK are you?

I know a man that totally took the piss out of a friend. I'm annoyed for her that he allowed her to bend over backwards when his spare money was spent on hobbies, whilst she bought his food whilst she wasn't even living together. She paid for all the trips and drove everywhere, even paying on location too. He was a nosy cunt too. She got a warning on her car & called out the RAC, told him that she could deal with it, when the RAC came he stood there like a spare part, even after she'd said I've got this a few times. I never liked him, she made a discovery which proved further he was taking the piss. Thankfully said man was gone. He had a face too that you just...

I'm a nice person honestly, but upset a friend and you'll incur my wrath. She was really vulnerable too, which made his actions so much worse. But I kept my mouth shut as I was asked too. Luckily I didn't need to highlight anything as what he'd been doing was awful.

I was the main earner to begin with, now I'm not. It all tends to work itself out, but I'm married with DC's so everything is a fair split. I'm the good guy as my responsibility is treats. DH knows that I try and skim as much off what we pay as possible. So rather than going crazy on heating add layers. Food is healthy and cheap.

Fully agree. Give him £100 less and please spend money on yourself. Don't spend money on him, spend it on yourself. He will respect you more for it and more importantly, you will respect yourself. It should all be 50/50.

Sounds an awful thing to say but a lot of men do this. Inherently selfish. Always look after themselves.

You are right to stop o we paying him. You both earn the same and should therefore be splitting everything 50:50. How did he get around before you moved in and started giving him lifts? He should either return to his previous method of transport or pay 50:50 towards vehicle running costs.
I am confused as to how you are so skint though when you are not paying any rent or mortgage and your only bills are utilities and car running costs. Did you not pay any rent or 100% of bills elsewhere before you moved in together?

WHY, WHY, WHY do so many people allow themselves to be mugged off like this?! And bring their kid into it!? He's basically mugged you off for what, about £400, and he's balking? How can you find someone who does this attractive enough to shag, not to mention ferrying him around like a tennager?

Another one who spunks money on himself and has a fucking 'hobby'.

Talk about money? He's not going to change. You're throwing good money after bad.

Stop spending money on his or 'household' stuff. You don't have a household.

You have a teenage flatmate.

Agree with all of the above.

Plus -
This month, I have given him £100 less than I normally would. I have told him earlier in the month that I would be doing this but he didn't think I was serious.

You told him it was going to happen, it's not your fault he didn't believe you. So if he was relying on the money, tough titty.

I think you are justified, and that everything should be split 50/50, including the car if he gets that much use of it.

My DP and I rent. I earn 5k more, but that extra is eaten up my travel into London, whereas he drives and his fuel costs are about half of what I pay for travel. I can't drive, so he has 90% use of the car (He might drive me to places on the weekend) so I don't pay for that, but I currently pay for all the childcare and household bills, and he pays for all the rent and food, so it works out that we pay the same. I think you really do need to sit down and discuss the household bills.

Also, it doesn't sound like you're paying rent, and you haven't mentioned if you have a tenancy agreement. That's a bit worrying cos you could be asked to leave at any time.... to protect yourself, you really should have some kind of written contract, even if it is "family"

The best arrangement in your situation OP is to set up a joint account, and each of you make a direct debit for a pre-agreed amount into it each month. All household bills, food etc. (in which I would include car fuel and maintenance) come out of this account, and you can also use it for joint activities like meals out, holidays etc. You can then use your separate accounts for personal spending. Transfering money directly into his account is just too complicated and asking for problems.

The other issue is that your DP sounds pretty selfish with money, and this would be a red flag for me. Has he lived with a partner before?

I wouldn't set up a joint account if you're not 100% convinced about the longevity of the relationship. Joint accounts stay on your credit file for a long time and your credit score can be impacted by their negative finances. Believe me, I've been impacted.

Agree with Hellmouth you need to make sure you're on the tenancy agreement, otherwise you and DS have no security. If relationship breaks down you could be kicked out without notice.

I wouldn't set up a joint account if you're not 100% convinced about the longevity of the relationship. Joint accounts stay on your credit file for a long time and your credit score can be impacted by their negative finances. Believe me, I've been impacted.

True, but if a relationship isn't secure enough to risk a joint account, it surely isn't secure enough for moving in together. Unless one of you has a pre-existing terrible credit score or large outstanding debt etc, I think a joint account is a pretty essential and unavoidable part of living with someone. Defaulting on rent/household bills can also affect your credit score, so there's often a risk however you manage it.

I was completely fleeced by my ex, which left my credit rating in tatters, so I'm ok with us having separate accounts etc.

No tenancy agreement yet, it's in the pipeline though.

I do pay rent, I pay half the rent to him plus my half of all the utilities (tv, broadband, phone, gas, electricity, council tax etc). He adds his half to the rent then pays family member, and all bills come off his accoubt via direct debit.

I lived as a single parent with my son before I moved in with him. I was still skint then but had a bit more control over things and had some housing benefit and bills were lower (i had a cheaper broadband package and didnt have a television). I did think I'd be better off though as I've completely cut out my commute to work by moving.

He has always lived with his parebts who helped him with travel, though I think his rent and utilities were more or less the same there as they are now.

I know I need to bring this up with him but I really really don't want to end up splitting hairs over money, it's just not me.

I really really don't want to end up splitting hairs over money, it's just not me.

THIS IS NOT SPLITTING HAIRS. THIS IS FUNDAMENTAL TO FAIRNESS AND EQUALITY IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP.

I'm sorry. It's really not like me to shout. He is taking the piss, as well as taking your money. And it's not even just about money, it's about how you will share other tasks in your relationship - housework, childcare (if you got to that) and everything else.

He should not be having money to spend on his hobbies when you can't afford a haircut, especially when he's not paying out for the bills you were giving him money to cover.

Seriously this is going to end in you being taken for one hell of a ride. Don't do it.

He sounds like a freeloader, you've been overpaying him and now you're not. He's the one "splitting hairs" over money when by the sounds of it you're actually contributing more (since you're paying for most of the petrol plus insurance for your car). I wouldn't get a joint account to be honest. I would agree on a monthly payment and if he wants lifts he can contribute to petrol and insurance, otherwise, sorry you can't afford to ferry him around.

I was completely fleeced by my ex, which left my credit rating in tatters, so I'm ok with us having separate accounts etc.

As a result, ironically, you're in danger of having history repeat itself. Bills and household expenses are variable - it's almost impossible to always split everything equally, and it tends to be the same person making up the shortfall each time. To make seperate finances work, both parties have to be extremely conscientious, but that's clearly not the case here, as your DP was quite happy to keep your overspend to himself, as well as using your taxi services for free.

You are absolutely not splitting hairs. These may seem relatively minor things now, but they will add up exponentially over time. And then the resentment sets in. As he's fresh out of his parents house, there's a chance his ignorance is reversible, but only if you nip it in the bud now.

How are you dividing your other expenses such as food, items for the house, trips out etc? What about household chores?

What does "he called you out on the amount" actually mean?
He's forgotten you'd said your share was too high, so he was checking why it was down?
Or he was complaining and asking for the extra money?

I don't understand why you have moved your child into this man's house with zero security.

He doesn't like your fair £100 reduction? You could be phoning your friends and family for a bed for your son tonight

You have no tenancy agreement.
The house belongs to his family.
You're not getting it rent free to make a risk potentially worth while.

Please tell me you didn't give up secure housing for this?!!!

Why are you putting you and your child in a position where you can be fucked over?

As he's fresh out of his parents house, there's a chance his ignorance is reversible

I do think that alot of it is just down to ignorance. I have lived on my own for many years, and have the experience of prioritising things properly, whereas he paid a lump to his parents which covered everything. I think once the bills are paid he doesn't give much thought to where the other money should go (household things) and because I'm used to doing so, I've been making sure there's money for other essentials. Maybe I do need to spell it out for him.

How are you dividing your other expenses such as food, items for the house, trips out etc? What about household chores?

I buy most of the food for DS and I, DP actually eats very very little and to be fair if he asks me to get anything he will give me some money towards it. Other groceries though, I have paid for apart from the first month when I was living here, toilet roll, washing powder, toiletries etc.

Trips out are few and far between, and paid for either by splitting the cost or by whoever has cash to spare.

I do most of the chores because I'm at home and he is at work, I am happy with this and he does cook for us and helps tidy up, takes bins out etc.

He does have lots of redeeming qualities (promise!) but obviously as a PP said, money is a big issue and breeds resentment if its not sorted, I don't want this to cause a rift, hopefully if I spell it out for him things will improve.