AIBU to do this?

[user1484937392]

I met a 'friend' who's DD has the same needs as my DD. Both going through assessments for various things, my DD is an age delay where friends DD she says is more autistic. So these 2 are a year apart and love dolls, babies etc which they can not play with with their peers. My DD is nearly 12. Anyways, my DD loves this that little girl. Bought her a BFF neckless for Christmas and the other DD stays here at least twice a month usually for the whole weekend. She sometimes pops in for dinner on the odd occasion. This has been going on since probably 4/5 months. Possibly longer. Now my DD classes this girl as her best friend. And when she is here she says DD is her best friend. Neither girl has any friends in their school so they really are only friends.
So this morning I see on my friends FB that she had meeting about her DD and someone was replying to her, you know just usual chat, then I see that she put "No they don't understand DD. She has NEVER been invited for dinner, she never goes to birthday parties or sleep overs. No one likes her and she has literally NO friends! It's sad when I see her cry on her own because she's socially awkward. All she wants is a friend to call her own. To be able to take her for a sleepover. One day maybe"
WTF??
Ok so I'm now thinking, me and DD have obviously took this friendship differently than them. My DD is obviously to invested. Or is she just down playing it for the sake of the assessment she is going through? So because she said this now I think have it the way you said it. She won't come back. I won't open my house to her again. I know I sound petty but it's really pissed me off. Haven't spoken to DH about it yet.
AIBU to stop her coming? And just cut contact? My DD has her own needs and I would rather her invest herself in another friendship than this one that is clearly one sided. Maybe the DD doesn't feel that way towards my DD either?
Maybe this should have been a WWYD post. But I suppose I already have it in me to cut all contact with them both. Sick of her down playing their friendship while I'm like my DD LOVES your DD so maybe I'm just up playing it cause DD never had a friend before? So am I being unreasonable? To hasty? DD begged me last night to let other DD stay at the weekend. Saw this status as I was about to message about a sleepover. Am I taking it out on the DD's? AIBU to them? Is it my problem with the friend/mum?

I can understand why you are upset. It does sound as if she is taking advantage of you and downplaying the friendship.

so I said to her that she has my DD and they do play together and have a great friendship. To which she went to town with her other friend about my exaggerated view on our DD's r/ship. So it's not the first time she has said this view.

I'm wondering if her dd thinks of your dd as a true friend?

Maybe the mum is likening all the free time she has and doesn't realise how well they really get on because she hasn't put herself out enough by reciprocating, to actually witness it?
Or conversely, maybe the dd really isn't that into your dd but has to make the best of it because mum is pressurising her to come to yours to give her a break?
Or maybe even the other dd gets as much from the relationship with you rather than your dd if you are emotionally much more available to her than her own mother. Not impossible given the mothers rude behaviour to you.

Which one is the older child? Do they come across as equal in the friendship? Does your dd boss the other around a bit? Does the other dd openly express that she enjoys your dd's friendship? Are you so desperate to see your dd have a friend that you are seeing more to the friendship than there really is? I'm just asking because she said "your exaggerated view"

However whatever the answers to the above questions are, I still think she is being mean to say these things to you in person or via Facebook, even if what others are suggesting is true, and she is doing it for the benefit of the assessment.

I think you shouldn't stop everything but think you should scale it back and encourage dd not to invest so much into the friendship. It will hurt her a lot if the other family lets her down and I don't think the other mum will really care once there isn't much in it for her. Her actions haven't been particularly caring yet.

She has just added to her post that 'she has no friends and I mean non! No one to invite her to dinner and to even come to ours for dinner'
Um ... my DD has never been invited for dinner. Promised maybe but never invited. My DD always asks if she can go to which I always have to say no because it never happens. I met her through our school. She was a stand alone parent who I befriended because our DD's seemed so similar. Reading it all it definitely sounds like it's maybe more for sympathy and for this diagnosis. Because when her DD is here she can dress herself. Eats all food we give. Can sleep through the night but according to that post she 'needs me to dress her. Wash her and take her to the toilet'
Maybe I have the wrong child staying?

Do you think she could have Munchausen syndrome by proxy?

I still think you should reply about her being at yours and wanting to invite her around again and how much your DD enjoyed when she stayed last time.

I'd post something friendly but slightly PA
Sorry things are tough attention seeking drama llama we love having DD to stay, for sleepovers and trips to xyz 💞😽😃

dowhatnow my DD dotes on her. She is the older one by a year. DD can be bossy, it's in her nature, but the other DD seems to calm my DD down. They play very well together and it seems that they balance each other out. No arguing or fighting over toys etc. It's quite a nice layout. I don't hear from either DD's when they are together. Maybe other DD doesn't count mine as a proper friend. I'm starting to think that now. That my DD (and myself) have invested to much into this. I didn't push. At first I wasn't sure it would work but they both begged and it did. I was very nervous as heard what this DD was like. What we got is different. Anyways, I think that my DD is more into it than her. So maybe I'll try to get DD to make another friend that could be as into her as she is. My DD finds friends hard work. Even making them is so difficult. So I'm going to try and set her up with other children. Maybe she can get back what she puts in

7Sunshine possibly. It's like a need. But my DH thinks that it could be because she's been threatened with her DD DLA being stopped if it comes back again as a no .....

But the woman had obviously chosen to lie on line, a lot of people do. She's not disregarding you, or the girl's friendship, she had just decided to invent an alternative reality, for what ever reason,( sympathy,? ).
It's always a shock when people blatantly lie, and she is either a bit dim, or thinks she will not be caught out. But your daughter will suffer badly if you cut off her one friend.
Does dd's friend seem to enjoy her company? Is she kind to her, like friends are? That's what you need to look at.

Munchausens is a bit of serious diagnosis to be throwing around off the cuff because the op's friend likes to vent on Facebook.

Ohyesiam But the OP has said the woman has also lied to people's faces and with the OP present.

I think it's the other Mum trying to play the victim card.

I had something similar with a family member who made claims she was isolated, lonely, none of the family took and interest in the pregnancy, when both my other SIL & I had taken more than a keen interest. Annoyed didn't cover how we both felt.

I would be inclined to message said Mother and say I was really hurt by your comments the other day. My DD really thought she had a best friend, but it looks like that isn't the case. See if she replies & what is said.

Perhaps talk directly to the other child and say something like" would you like to come for tea next week." If the answer is yes then ask if she would prefer to come just for tea or if she would like to make it for the weekend.
Or perhaps "would you like to come and stay again next week or would you prefer to leave it a few weeks?" You can perhaps gauge the child's enthusiasm.

Given your misinterpretation of gizlots first post, was that definitely just because you were so upset, or could it be because you have slight difficulties in social situations yourself? I'm just wondering if you are reading the signals in this friendship correctly?

I would be inclined to message said Mother and say I was really hurt by your comments the other day. My DD really thought she had a best friend, but it looks like that isn't the case. See if she replies & what is said.

Perfect. Keep it private though. No point in involving your dd on Facebook and potentially getting a negative response for all to see.

A few things come to mind - would this woman gain financially via benefits if her DD is diagnosed with something/anything?

Some parents want their child to have a 'label'. They can then use that to excuse away their child's behaviour. By saying that her child has X diagnosis she doesn't then have to face up to the fact that her child is simply a bit different/doesn't make friends easily/a product of poor parenting/whatever the case may be. That's particularly galling as it makes it harder for all those people who do genuinely have those diagnoses'.

Munchhausen by proxy? Rare, but not unheard of.

I would post something on her Facebook post about how you've enjoyed having her DD over to your place for sleepovers, how well the two DDs get on etc. See how long it takes before she deletes it.

I wouldn't comment on FB, but I would definitely speak or message her privately about this, saying how hurt and confused you were by her repeated postings and comments that her DD has no friends, never gets invited for dinner, a sleepover etc as this patently isn't true. Your DD considers hers her BFF and if her DD doesn't consider yours any kind of friend at all, then presumably she doesn't want to come around any more? Then leave it with her to see what she says.

I read that as a comment about the situation at school, with peers of her own age. You know how she feels regards that.

I would be tempted to reply with a comment something supportive along the lines of "I know, its really hard isn't it, your DD is a real life line to my DD, she will always be welcome here, I will message re another date to get the girls together" etc

You need to be supporting each other, yes she may have been laying it on thick or maybe as others have said maybe she is having a bad day and feels isolated, by commenting on her post you are making her aware that you have seen it therefore giving her an opportunity to talk about it?

I would be quite hurt by the post as well OP, but I don't think you should take it out on the girls by stopping other DD coming over as that will hurt your DDs feelings.
I am a bit of a hot head, so personally I would private message her and say that you were hurt by that post as you regarded your DD and her DD as good friends and you have had her plenty times for tea and sleep overs, and you have put lots of effort into these things, and you have never once had it reciprocated. And tell her that she is still welcome to come round and play etc but you will be limiting the sleepovers so your DD doesn't get overly invested and can try and make new friends.
But that's just what I would respond.

OP I can see why you have been hurt by this. Your dd really never has had a friend. You met someone who was also on their own with a dd who didn't have a friend, and the miracle happened- they both had a friend. I don't think there's any reason to doubt this as genuine, and sounds like both children get a lot out of their meet-ups, sleepovers and so on.

However, it is also obvious that this is rather a one-way street in terms of effort, so you are making all the effort and all the welcome. It's also clear this woman has a narrative of her and her dd being complete victims, and you aren't part of this tale.

It would be a shame for your dd to lose her friend, and I genuinely think the friend would be gutted too (sounds like she likes weekends at yours!) However, I do think you also need to back off the amount of contact, just because this is going to be very difficult for your dd if and when it all collapses, as well it might with the mum being the way she is. Perhaps an occasional sleepover is the way to go. Continue with the teas if it suits you and your dd. But don't mistake this woman for a good friend, as she is not.

In some ways the friendship is working for you and your dd, so don't discount that in your haste to call her on what she wrote. But you can step back a bit emotionally. If your dd has found one like-minded friend, there will be others out there (who also like dolls/games) and the challenge is, I guess, to try to find them and don't make her overly-reliant on this one friend, as they may back off or even disappear, not even for the reason that you have mentioned, they might move or change schools or not be able to come any more.

Hang on, I have just reread your post where you say that you met this mum at school so even if she is talking about lack of school friends, your DD is still included in that? There is no excuse for what she is saying.

If you do continue this friendship, I think you need to even it up a bit. It's completely understandable not to have sleepovers at hers if her house simply isn't big enough but never to have your daughter over to play??? Instead of asking her DD for a sleepover this weekend, what would happen if you said - Rather than always being at ours, please can DD come to you this weekend on Sat for lunch and a play? I will collect at 4. Her response to that would be telling.