AIBU to do this?

[user1484937392]

I met a 'friend' who's DD has the same needs as my DD. Both going through assessments for various things, my DD is an age delay where friends DD she says is more autistic. So these 2 are a year apart and love dolls, babies etc which they can not play with with their peers. My DD is nearly 12. Anyways, my DD loves this that little girl. Bought her a BFF neckless for Christmas and the other DD stays here at least twice a month usually for the whole weekend. She sometimes pops in for dinner on the odd occasion. This has been going on since probably 4/5 months. Possibly longer. Now my DD classes this girl as her best friend. And when she is here she says DD is her best friend. Neither girl has any friends in their school so they really are only friends.
So this morning I see on my friends FB that she had meeting about her DD and someone was replying to her, you know just usual chat, then I see that she put "No they don't understand DD. She has NEVER been invited for dinner, she never goes to birthday parties or sleep overs. No one likes her and she has literally NO friends! It's sad when I see her cry on her own because she's socially awkward. All she wants is a friend to call her own. To be able to take her for a sleepover. One day maybe"
WTF??
Ok so I'm now thinking, me and DD have obviously took this friendship differently than them. My DD is obviously to invested. Or is she just down playing it for the sake of the assessment she is going through? So because she said this now I think have it the way you said it. She won't come back. I won't open my house to her again. I know I sound petty but it's really pissed me off. Haven't spoken to DH about it yet.
AIBU to stop her coming? And just cut contact? My DD has her own needs and I would rather her invest herself in another friendship than this one that is clearly one sided. Maybe the DD doesn't feel that way towards my DD either?
Maybe this should have been a WWYD post. But I suppose I already have it in me to cut all contact with them both. Sick of her down playing their friendship while I'm like my DD LOVES your DD so maybe I'm just up playing it cause DD never had a friend before? So am I being unreasonable? To hasty? DD begged me last night to let other DD stay at the weekend. Saw this status as I was about to message about a sleepover. Am I taking it out on the DD's? AIBU to them? Is it my problem with the friend/mum?

I think you should just stay away from social media, people post drama lama stuff on there for attention. Don't take it to heart, as someone else suggested just send a little text saying saw your post just wanted to say DD is here for yours and that you're around if she needs a chat. Not everything needs to be massively agonising when it comes to friendships. Don't go out of your way as you put it unless you want too, you sound a bit resentful here. Be nice, be glad your DD has the friendship and don't think about the rest

I think gizlotsmum meant that in your position she'd post a comment on facebook replying to that post. Something like "DD has been to our house overnight X number of times & for dinner etc, does that not count?"
Initially I thought you were maybe taking something personally when you shouldn't, but that's really weird that she's said to your face that you exaggerate the relationship. She's not saying that when you take her DD off her hands for whole weekends, I presume! Does she ever reciprocate and have the girls in her home?
I would be hesitant about cutting them off as your DD will suffer, but I totally see why you're upset.

I see I'm a v v slow typist and have cross posted. No real advice, but the mum sounds pretty awful tbh. Poor kid!

you know gizlot meant you should comment on her FB post, right? She wasn't trying to attack you!

She has never had DD. Her house can't accommodate DD over night because the bedroom is so tiny. She has told DD she will take them cinema or out for lunch etc. Never has though. DD has only met friend a few times. Not overly friendly like I am with her DD. I don't push friend to take the where she has promised. I'm used to people making promises and not keeping them. So just in general I don't ever rely on what anyone says as in a promise. Unless the date is booked in (in pen)

Fenella yes after my initial anger reaction I was put straight and apologised.

OP, I think YABU. Other people have said it too but you are not 14yrs old and should be able to at least hold your anger for r the sake of these children and the benefits the relationship brings to your daughter. Would you seriously take away your DD's only friend, someone she LOVES because you feel offended at something her mum said? At most, you should reach out to the other Mum and offer your support and ear, I bet she was just having a really bad day and was thoughtlessly focused on her own fears for her DD. Contact her and say you saw her post and wanted to see if she was ok and to reassure her that her DD is very important to someone, your DD.

Personally I would reply to her comment: Its so weird you mentioned sleepovers! I was just about to invited (her DD) over for another this weekend. (Your DD) has been asking none stop to have her over again since they had so much fun when (her DD) stayed over (last time she stayed). :) :) :)

Feign like you're just being friendly and haven't really noticed what she's said.

Don't make it about me ? Why not? because it isn't about you. Do you really encourage your DD and this girls friendship for an acknowledgment? Seriously, the mum is having a bad day, a rant, possibly looking for sympathy and maybe, just maybe, there has been an actual situation that you know nothing about and the status was directed. People do all of that on fb.

I would chill down a bit and consider the bigger picture. Does your DD enjoy this friendship? Yes? Continue as normal and stop being ridiculously sensitive

Definitely don't do passive aggressive on the status. There is literally no need to respond like that and rock the boat. This clearly isn't about you

Yes im not going to take away DD friendship. Because as long as DD believes this girl is her BF that's all that matters. If that was a one off I wouldn't have reacted. But because it's been mentioned more than once I'm just like

No.
Maybe I don't explain myself well. Hard to secret type. Maybe this was the wrong place to post. Because how the friend is, would be more understandable if I told someone who knew her. I was with mum yday morning as we met before work for a drink and a chat. She was nervous about the meeting. She went to the meeting. Then put the status up. I don't do it for acknowledgement. But sometimes don't you get sick of doing something and getting nothing back from that person.
One sided friendship. Haven't we all been there?
As I have said in other posts ^ that maybe it's ME that feels hurt and reacted that way.
Just to be clear I AM being unreasonable. I AM inviting DD for a sleepover this weekend still. I just needed to vent. To someone. To anyone.

"so I said to her that she has my DD and they do play together and have a great friendship. To which she went to town with her other friend about my exaggerated view on our DD's r/ship."

Why would she do this?

Surely if other people won't be asked she doesn't have to lie about the friendship?

I wouldn't stop it but I would consider paring it back.

You have her just about every other weekend?

That's very full on.

If the other mum has only made these comments in front of an audience, it sounds like she is doing it for sympathy or to emphasise her DDs problems, probably because some ignorant people might think because she has a strong friendship she can't have an ASD. She is probably feeling insecure about things if her DD doesn't yet have a confirmed dx.

I can totally understand why this has upset you, but I do think you should continue the friendship for your DD's sake. Even if there is an element of one-sidedness, your DD has obviously not picked up on this and is enjoying time spent with her friend so don't take that away from her. I have a DD with SN and know how difficult friendships can be.

OP, you're not being 'ridiculously oversensitive' at all. I would have been hurt by that post as well.

I would seriously scale back the time the girl spends at yours. Whole weekends is way too much. I would certainly limit it to a one night sleepover per month. Yes it's good to facilitate friendships but that doesn't mean you should let people use you.

When the girl comes over for dinner, who invites her?

Not RTFT, but I think the other mum was being a bit of a drama llama and perhaps trying to make a point with other SCHOOL mums. I don't think it was a slight on you or your dds friendship with her dd. She's probably lived a long time watching her dd being excluded from nearly everything other than your house and was just exaggerating a little bit. However, you could always ask her if the friendship means 'nothing' before you 'cut all contact' on behalf of your dd.

Yes, you are taking it out on your precious dd. So you'd rather she invests in 'another friendship'? And yet your dd doesn't have other friends, does she, or other friends she likes as much. Is there a possibility there for her to invest more into? You need to let this lie for your dds sake, and I am glad you recognise that as a possibility in your OP. Please do not penalise your dd (or indeed, the other girl) for one mum being a bit over dramatic.

OK, now I have RTFT. Sorry for previous comments. To me, reading between the lines, the Mum has some issues. I do know of one parent whose dd had mild SEN and the Mum went to town on it as I think she has mental health issues herself although came across 'fine' in so many other ways. She took the school to court several times etc. (lost every time).

So, yes, I would be kind to this other girl, as seems like her mum is maybe making her needs more pronounced than they are. Perhaps other parents have avoided the mum not the child. You've only known the mum a short time, so there is possibly more there. Just be kind to the little girl and tbh I wouldn't my dd alone overnight with this mum. But you can preserve the friendship from a one-sided point of view.

Apologies, you sound like a lovely Mum to your dd and just venting which is sometimes needed.

As I see this ( and ignoring the fact that your friend is currently trying to get a formal diagnosis for her child, which I don't really think has much to do with the situation) you and your friend both have children with additional needs and the children play well together. You are happy for your friend's daughter to play/stay at yours and do everything possible to make her feel happy and comfortable whilst she is with you. Your friend does not reciprocate your kindness as she doesn't have the space for your daughter to stay, but has no problem with her daughter continually 'taking' from you and you are feeling aggrieved that she is telling people both face to face and on social media that her daughter has no friends and doesn't get jnvited anywhere etc.

I would feel angry about this too and in your shoes without saying much I would begin to limit the number of times you invite the girl to play/ stay and try and help my daughter forge some alternative friendships. Easy for me to say I know, but you sound a very caring mum and I actually think your friend is taking advantage of this. What is she doing when you are looking after her daughter?

That is your answer, you see the friendship as valuable to your dd and so make a big effort to make sure it all goes well.
To her you are 'just' someone to help with her dd. Someone that she obviously doesn't really appreciate if she can be so dismissive of the relationship in front of you.
Back away, no need for a falling out, but I would stop the sleepovers and playdates for a while and put all that effort into expanding your dd's friendship group.
If she says anything, which she will once all that free child minding is gone! Just tell her she was right and that it wasn't a big friendship so you decided to stop putting so much effort in!

She's using you for childcare op. Nothing is being reciprocated. I'd be super angry too tbh. I'd distance myself from the mum tbh but keep the friendship going between the girls if they are happy

She usually spends the time shopping or relaxing when I have her DD. One weekend she didn't call/text once to see how she was. I think the dx has a lot to do with it. Does she have to act this way to prove her daughter is a certain way? Typical no friends. Socially awkward etc. Because her DD isn't really. She has her traits yes. But she's never been a problem with us. She sleeps when she's told to. Never messes herself. Maybe my experience with her DD isn't what she wants others to see / know about?
Which is bloody frustrating as I found it so hard to get my DD dx

OP, this post would've hurt - and shocked - me as well. Doubly so coming on top of her virtually saying the exact same thing in front of the other lady recently as well.

Even if she is posting about school in particular (and TBH, there's nothing in the status to indicate that this is the case), she's making it sound as though her DD doesn't have a single friend in the entire world. This is simply not true as evidenced by her friendship with your DD. At the very least she could've said 'except for one girl she met at ...', but I guess that doesn't sound quite as dramatic as the actual post. Her lies in this post would make me wonder what else she's lying or exaggerating about; for instance her DD may in fact have other friends after all. (It would be nice to think so for the DD's sake).

The mother sounds like a drama llama who is trying to gain extra sympathy for her daughter's condition, either for herself or for the assessment.

I'm sure her DD's situation is very difficult, but now I have to wonder if part of the exclusion at school (assuming it's as bad as she's said), is due in part to the other parents not wanting to have to deal with the mother. I have unfortunately seen that happen before - nice or okay kid/awful parent; kid is excluded.

I feel sad for both girls here. I'd hate to see your DD lose her only friend, but I certainly understand your anger and upset. Could you bring it up with the mother in person and go from there?

No, she doesn't have to act that way. I may be very cynical but I would say she is trying to garner sympathy in the hopes that others will also step up
and offer to have her daughter over as well. The more free childcare the better. That is why you saying that her dd has a good friendship, has sleepovers etc. is being shot down. It gets in the way of what she wants.

Cross posted with the last few posts, including OP's update.

I agree it sounds as though she's using you for free childcare. That has to stop. I would cut back/phase out all the sleepovers and steer your own DD in the direction of making other friends. The good news is DD has already made one friend, so hopefully she can make even more. :)

How did you meet this family?

No, she doesn't have to act that way. I may be very cynical but I would say she is trying to garner sympathy in the hopes that others will also step up
and offer to have her daughter over as well. The more free childcare the better. That is why you saying that her dd has a good friendship, has sleepovers etc. is being shot down. It gets in the way of what she wants

I agree.