6 months of effort on myself and husband still not interested

[DiannaMorthphine]

Got married around two years ago. He was never overly affectionate but if I hinted enough, he'd make the effort. Sex dried up around 9 months into the marriage - basically I was always instigating it and 70% of the time I'd get rejected. After a while I stopped bothering to instigate thinking that he would then step up but he didn't - we just ended up having sex once in a blue moon and that would be after I'd instigated it through pure frustration.

I tried talking to him and he would always maintain that nothing was wrong, he was happy etc etc - just "tired".

Anyway I got fed up of it in the end, I'm in my mid 30s. I wanted to feel wanted, sexy, attractive etc and I was missing the intimacy and affection so much.

Anyway I decided that if he didn't want me, I'd work on wanting myself and THEN he would want me (and I suppose sub consciously I thought that if he didn't, someone else would).

It's been 6 months of healthy eating, exercise, pursuing my own hobbies etc - feel great, look great - my confidence is great, however he still doesn't seem to notice me.

I'm flogging a dead horse right? Or is it normal for a bloke in his 40s to go off intimacy and affection?

I feel like we're just mates, staying married because twice a year we have a great holiday together. Honestly, our entire lives seem to centre around our travelling which is nice - but I can no longer ignore the fact that the rest of the year is spent "living with a mate".

AIBU to consider divorce? He doesn't think anything is wrong. I've tried talking to him, he says it's all in my head and he can't understand what I'm upset about as we "always have sex".

I love him but I don't want to live like this. I'm craving affection from a man and I'm worried that if the situation presented itself, I'd be tempted.

perhaps........he just doesn't like sex much?
It happens, you know!

if sex matters that much to you, then you aren't well matched as obviously its not an issue for him.

Is living with your best-mate/brother/sister so awful? If you get on so well? It obviously is to you.

But then you say he was never overtly affectionate. Maybe there is your core problem.

Guess it is an issue if there is no affection. If he was loving, gave you a hug, kissed you often and there was the occasional BJ/oral sex to pleasure you, would that work? Probably not, if you have mismatched drives and want full sex. And interest. Isn't it the interest in you that is the real issue?

Dianna, I could have written your post myself. I have told my husband that I feel like the lodger, but he is bewildered and baffled when I have literally been sobbing in frustration. I have tried flirting, nice underwear, outright demands - nothing. Any suggestion or hint of sex is blanked, even sniggering at a double entendre on the television gets shut down. He is also very ungracious at declining any attempts at seductions - instead of a hug and a "no thanks, I'm not in the mood", I get accusations of being a nymphomaniac and/or being laughed at. Needless to say, I've stopped trying.

When we do have sex (birthdays, anniversaries and Christmas) it's good, and he asks why we don't have sex more often. But he rules it out on weekdays, Friday's he's too tired and at the weekend he has to stay up to watch MoTD, by which time I'm tired and asleep already. Suggestions we try and find a mutually agreeable time are met with excuses of other household jobs to do. It's like living in the Ballad of Barry and Freda, only its not so funny as when Victoria Wood sings it.

I've told him that I fully accept we have mis-matched libidos, I won't badger him about sex if he doesn't want it, but I do want some kind of voluntary acknowledgement that I am a sexual being. Even a pat on the bum every now and then would work. But he just doesn't get it at all - he won't even admit he's got a lower libido than me.

I too am at the stage of wondering if being good mates is enough for me for the rest of my life. I'm very sad about it, and have no-one I can talk about it with.

After reading a short paragraph of the lives of 2 strangers i also think he is a porn fiend and probably gay as well. Id set fire to your house and leave him

After reading a short paragraph of the lives of 2 strangers i also think he is a porn fiend and probably gay as well. Id set fire to your house and leave him

I had a very similar experience- but I was younger and wanted to have children with him. I demanded therapy but he dithered- eventually went. Lots of stuff came out. If you want to message me I'm happy to talk to you about it.