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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

6 months of effort on myself and husband still not interested

56 replies

DiannaMorthphine · 01/02/2017 16:50

Got married around two years ago. He was never overly affectionate but if I hinted enough, he'd make the effort. Sex dried up around 9 months into the marriage - basically I was always instigating it and 70% of the time I'd get rejected. After a while I stopped bothering to instigate thinking that he would then step up but he didn't - we just ended up having sex once in a blue moon and that would be after I'd instigated it through pure frustration.

I tried talking to him and he would always maintain that nothing was wrong, he was happy etc etc - just "tired".

Anyway I got fed up of it in the end, I'm in my mid 30s. I wanted to feel wanted, sexy, attractive etc and I was missing the intimacy and affection so much.

Anyway I decided that if he didn't want me, I'd work on wanting myself and THEN he would want me (and I suppose sub consciously I thought that if he didn't, someone else would).

It's been 6 months of healthy eating, exercise, pursuing my own hobbies etc - feel great, look great - my confidence is great, however he still doesn't seem to notice me.

I'm flogging a dead horse right? Or is it normal for a bloke in his 40s to go off intimacy and affection?

I feel like we're just mates, staying married because twice a year we have a great holiday together. Honestly, our entire lives seem to centre around our travelling which is nice - but I can no longer ignore the fact that the rest of the year is spent "living with a mate".

AIBU to consider divorce? He doesn't think anything is wrong. I've tried talking to him, he says it's all in my head and he can't understand what I'm upset about as we "always have sex".

I love him but I don't want to live like this. I'm craving affection from a man and I'm worried that if the situation presented itself, I'd be tempted.

OP posts:
user892 · 01/02/2017 17:45

Having a low sex drive doesn't mean he's gay or a porn addict. It'd be fine if you were both on the same page but you're not. If you want more sex but he's not into that - you'll have to divorce.

Iris65 · 01/02/2017 17:50

I lived with my husband for 15 years while he refused and had no interest in sex. He's a lovely guy, not a porn addict. He is however asexual. Neither of us knew that this would happen but the deal breaker for me was being humiliated and sometimes laughed at when I tried to initiate sex. He also completely refused to seek any help or even talk about it.
We are now divorced. I do miss him. I do sometimes feel guilty but sex is important me and I couldn't live like that anymore.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 01/02/2017 17:52

I'm not overweight or anything that could be suddenly putting him off

Hmm

Maybe it's your judgemental personality putting him off being intimate with you.

I'm overweight, my sex life is great thanks.

Blueskyrain · 01/02/2017 17:56

Do you do enough housework?
Perhaps you should consider not having sex with him at all until he wants it?

Both of which are completely rubbish red herrings, and no you shouldn't have a sexless marriage, it sounds awful, but when men ask this, the questions above always get asked, and the man pretty much told he's an abusive sex pest for even wanting sex.

Have you tried couples counselling btw?

ClopySow · 01/02/2017 17:57

I think she meant she hadn't put weight on, which could change the way he felt. It happens.

Original poster
DiannaMorthphine · 01/02/2017 18:09

Thanks Clopy, I did mean I hadn't put weight on since he met me.

I just think he isn't attracted to me to be honest. I don't think he's gay (he was married before me) or a porn addict. I just think he's lazy in all honesty and can't be arsed as it's not a big deal to him.

He has no erectile disfunction either.

I would consider counselling. He won't as he doesn't think there is a problem. Even on holiday he doesn't really initiate sex. I'm sure he just sees me as a like minded soul to travel with.

I have spoken to him numerous times about all this, have said if he doesn't want full sex we could just spend a bit of time on foreplay instead, even a hug and a passionate kiss would do it but I don't even get that.

I can count on one hand the amount of times we've done oral and I'd still have spare fingers. Despite me saying to him numerous times that I really enjoy it and feel it's missing from our relationship. He always says he'll make more effort to include it - that was a year ago and it's yet to happen.

OP posts:
ClopySow · 01/02/2017 18:22

I think you're flogging a dead horse pal. Been there, done that. I was in a relationship like this for 3.5 years. The first year and a half we had a great sex life. I spoke to him, backed off, worked on myself, died completely from the waist down to end up with. Sex = rejection for me and it took me years to get over it. I felt terrible about myself. No amount of talking and him saying he'd change made it better.

Get out now before your self esteem is fucked.

ImperialBlether · 01/02/2017 18:22

Look, you're trying to change him into someone he's not. He's a friend, not a lover. You're humiliating yourself by begging him for sex - I'm on your side here, it's horrible, but you don't have to put up with this. Why not split up and stay friends?

TwoTwentyGowerRoad · 01/02/2017 18:22

Nope, you are flogging a dead horse. Of course he doesn't want to separate, he has everything he needs and wants doesn't he? Separate amicably and be happy before you find someone that shows you the affection you crave and it all becomes a mess and looks like your fault entirely.
My ex was like this and it ground every bit of love and respect I had for him to dust eventually. Ironically he used to flirt with other women but he was writing cheques with his gob that his arse couldn't cash! Life's short, crack on.

Crispsheets · 01/02/2017 18:24

Fuck that.
Move in. You deserve better

Katy07 · 01/02/2017 18:26

I would consider counselling. He won't as he doesn't think there is a problem.
Maybe that needs to be an ultimatum then - counselling or divorce? Though you'd have to be ready to accept he might say divorce.
Or you have an open marriage so that you get sex but still have him (if that's worth it)? I wouldn't but plenty do.

Carriecakes80 · 01/02/2017 18:31

Firstly, just because a bloke doesn't show an interest in sex, doesn't instantly make him a gay porn-fiend!!! Jeebus! However, he could be depressed, he could have impotence, he could be depressed and not even know it! Its hard for a bloke to put his hand up and say "Sorry love, work is hell, and my willys stopped working!"
All you can do is what you are doing, explain to him how much this is affecting you...
Me & DH can happily go a few months without the sex, as long as there is affection and lotsa cuddles, You obviously aren't feeling that, so I would tell him, write it down, let him see exactly what he is going to lose. If he doesn't change at all and denies all, have a break from him. No-one wants to stay in a dead end relationship, where its all take and no give! You owe it to yourself to be happy. I hope you can sort it xxxxxx

passingthrough1 · 01/02/2017 18:32

Never used to understand how people got into these kind of sexless relationships until I was in one and the lack of sex was the elephant in the room we never spoke about. I think from the start we had mismatched sex drives but he was either trying hard to be into me or genuinely was. That stopped and weeks and months would go by with me feeling worse and worse about myself. He said that it had happened before - sex always dried up in every other relationship - but we never spoke about it much, he wouldn't and I was a wreck and would cry just thinking about the rejection. Towards the end I noticed he would flinch when I touched him even by accident. Took me ages to end it even though it was clearly over in my head, I just couldn't articulate the words because it had been so awful for my self esteem.
I think you need to leave.

Robstersgirl · 01/02/2017 18:35

If this was written from the other perspective the answers would be very different. If one of us said my husband is always trying to make me have sex with him even when I don't want it because I'm tired and the house is a mess we would be telling her very different answers. I do feel for you OP as you seem to be stuck in a loveless marriage but try and feel what he feels to get answers. If not, leave.

TarragonChicken · 01/02/2017 19:05

I'm not usually a fan of ultimatums, but I think you need to lay it out for him:
a) we need to deal with why you don't want to have sex with me (which may include counseling)
b) we need a divorce

specialsubject · 01/02/2017 19:46

Massive mismatch. Neither of you is wrong, a sex addict, a porn user, whatever. Just mismatched.

Question is- do you want something different ?

HermioneJeanGranger · 01/02/2017 19:59

What was your sex life like before you got married?

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 01/02/2017 20:10

Yes, the horse is stone dead. I'd focus now on an amicable separation.

Good luck OP.

lifetothefull · 01/02/2017 20:23

get some counselling.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 01/02/2017 20:35

Funny how some are jumping to massive conclusions - porn addict or gay.

Or a gay porn addict?!

Joking aside, it sounds like he's got very low libido. Coupled with marriage, being too comfortable in a relationship.

He may well find you very attractive but if he does have a low libido that won't convert to him wanting sex.

If he were willing to face the issues and deal with them then fine. But he's ignoring you and gaslighting you by saying it's all in your head. That's a much bigger problem than the sex.

Sorry but I would be looking at divorce.

formerbabe · 01/02/2017 20:39

get some counselling

This is only going to work if he agrees to go too though.

seafoodeatit · 02/02/2017 11:10

If he won't consider counselling I too would say he needs an ultimatum, you're just going to go in circles and not ever get anywhere otherwise.

Giddyaunt18 · 02/02/2017 12:00

I would be concerned.It's a bit early in your marriage for sex to dry up. You say this started after 9 months. If you had young children then it would be understandable for a while. I've been married 19 years and sex is still a high priority in our 40s. I would suggest a very serious talk, maybe he needs a medical check up. Could he just have a very low libido? Still, he needs to listen to you and understand your needs or this relationship is only heading one way.

Giddyaunt18 · 02/02/2017 12:04

I've read that some men have very low testosterone levels and this is directly linked to sex drive, in women too. Wasn't it Robbie Williams that suffered from this. It's easily treated.

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