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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel raged at his depression?!

50 replies

ProbablySelfishBitch · 01/02/2017 09:31

I'm totally being unreasonable...

DH has depression that comes and goes in intensity. Right now he's having a very bad time. I know he can't help it. I know it's an illness. I even know what it's like to have mental health issues (although mine have been different). I'm honestly trying to be supportive and keep the show going, but dear god he's giving me a quiet inner rage!

I check on him this morning and notice he's awake. I ask if he'd want a drink and breakfast. He makes vague noices. I make him coffee and breakfast. I coax him downstairs, and he sort of sips some of the coffee and leaves the food. I try not to nag, and leave him be while I get on with other stuff. He's just lying there, staring. I make sure he takes his meds, try to talk to him a bit but get no response. He smells bad and I try to tell him how a shower and brushing his teeth would be a good idea etc. Instead he's just dragged himself back to bed.

Honestly, the poor guy, he must be feeling absolutely horrible, but WIBU to go out for a coffee and to Tesco just to get away from it for a second?! The house smells of DEPRESSION!

OP posts:
Palegreenstars · 01/02/2017 09:36

YANBU. Depression can be incredibly draining if we are honest. Look after yourself and you will be better able to support him. Have coffee AND cake!

Lightheartedindeed · 01/02/2017 09:38

Yanbu Don't know what to advise but wanted to say you are not alone Flowers

ImperialBlether · 01/02/2017 09:38

How long has he been on the meds? Sounds like they're doing nothing for him, tbh.

user892 · 01/02/2017 09:39

YANBU. But I think there's a healthy balance in how you interact with him. Too much caring / enabling can lead to helplessness. He needs to go back to his GP if his meds / therapy / exercise / diet plan isn't working for him.

He has an illness but he has to be proactive in treating it. Your rage is a reaction to his helplessness, not the depression iyswim. Same for alcoholics.

YWNBU to take time out - but you shouldn't have to coax him downstairs and make his breakfast - you really shouldn't.

I wonder if counselling for yourself might be an idea?

laurzj82 · 01/02/2017 09:40

YANBU. Get yourself a break Cake Flowers

Original poster
ProbablySelfishBitch · 01/02/2017 09:43

ImperialBlether He's been on medication for years, and it's been a balancing thing of upping the dose > side effects > lowering dose > feeling worse > trying different meds. At the moment he's actually under a psychiatrist, so GP won't touch his medication, and the psychiatrist seems very keen on the current combination.

Luckily I do have counselling for myself already (namely to the old issues of my own, but also to this and well, general life!). I get to unload later this week with that, which is great. But today I really like the coffee AND CAKE suggestion!

OP posts:
Original poster
ProbablySelfishBitch · 01/02/2017 09:45

user892 If I didn't do those things though, he'd not get out of bed at all. He wouldn't eat or drink. That would be bound to make him feel much worse. And luckily it's not usually this bad...

OP posts:
user892 · 01/02/2017 09:46

Super.. I like this article on taking care of yourself:

www.helpguide.org/articles/depression/helping-a-depressed-person.htm

Also buy him Matt Haig's 'Reasons to Stay Alive' - game changer.

OneWithTheForce · 01/02/2017 09:50

YANBU! Of course you can go out of the house! You aren't depressed and you aren't his Mum. You need to go out. I suffer from depression too and I make myself so angry with it at times so I can't imagine how how hard it isn't for you as a partner. Do go out, look after yourself.

TathitiPete · 01/02/2017 09:54

I think YABVV R to come and vent here as an outlet as it must be draining and it's a great idea to get out of the house for a bit of fresh air and a change of scenery. I think that's a good idea for everyone who can manage it.

Enjoy your Brew and Cake !

Original poster
ProbablySelfishBitch · 01/02/2017 09:58

Thank you all for the comments. Venting did help. I'm going to try to make some plans with a good friend this weekend I think, to get a chance to air my brains with something completely unrelated to mental health.

OP posts:
Rainydayspending · 01/02/2017 09:58

Self care means you maintain your resilience. Go for a break. Enjoy it. You deserve it for you.

Chinnygirl · 01/02/2017 10:01

Well you should help yourself as well. No point in both of you getting depressed. Just don't take it out on him.

shovetheholly · 01/02/2017 10:02

Not only is it not unreasonable for you to get out and away - it's essential. You need to look after yourself as well here.

Dawndonnaagain · 01/02/2017 10:11

You're not selfish, you're normal. It's really tough looking after someone with depression and I'm glad you're getting help. As others have said, it's really important you look after yourself too, if you go under then you both go under. Take breaks, regularly. Enjoy your coffee, cake and quiet time!
Flowers

Imnotaslimjim · 01/02/2017 10:16

Do make sure you make time for yourself. It's so hard supporting someone with depression. My DH was ill himself after taking care of me through severe PND. If you're meeting a friend, can you mention beforehand that you're doing it to get a break so could you please not talk about DH or the depression, let your mind take a full break from it.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 01/02/2017 10:16

Definitely make those plans with your friend.

But right now, go out. Anywhere, just out. Coffee & cake at a nice cafe or garden centre or something. You don't have to wrap it up in something.'useful' like Tesco. Do it for YOUR mental health. Go. Now.

Miserylovescompany2 · 01/02/2017 10:17

Living with someone who suffers from depression can leave you emotionally and physically drained. You spend your time and energy trying to keep them buoyant, you don't realise you are sinking yourself.

I'm in the same situation but not with a partner. My son is the one with depression. The whole family walk on eggshells, he refuses to engage with the mental health services. He also refuses to take the medication prescribed. It just goes in a perpetual loop.

My feelings aside. I bet he (my son) feels worse than I could possibly imagine.

All you can do is try to take timeout to recharge your batteries.

sobeyondthehills · 01/02/2017 10:18

I suffer from major depression and my poor partner, during the last bout.

You need a time out for yourself and another thing my partner did, was keep a mood diary for me, so that I could go back to my psychiatrist with it, even a few words such as didn't move out of bed.

It made it easier for them to monitor my medication and say whether they thought it was working or not

Original poster
ProbablySelfishBitch · 01/02/2017 12:16

Thanks again everyone. I went for coffee and cake. I took a book. I walked around in the fresh air. DH has remained safe and sound without me hovering over him, fretting.

Miserylovescompany2 It must be especially frustrating with him not accepting help. It must make you feel so helpless. Thankfully DH takes his medication and goes to all his appointments - except once during a bad time when he somehow convinced himself he didn't deserve medication and stopped it for weeks without telling me. I hope your son will be able to receive help and something will break into that cycle of depression for him.

sobeyondthehills Actually a really good idea keeping a little mood journal. His psychiatrist is suspecting something more like bipolar type 2, as the waves of depression keep coming year after year, so that would probably be really useful. Thanks.

To feel raged at his depression?!
OP posts:
CripsSandwiches · 01/02/2017 12:49

YANBU, having depression is horrible but it's also incredibly difficult to be a carer too. Give yourself a break and seek some support for yourself.

Miserylovescompany2 · 01/02/2017 13:32

I hope so, my son can't get better unless he engages. The professionals have been brilliant even going as far as making home visits, unfortunately, he isn't a the stage of needing to be sectioned...he's in the middle. Yes, I feel completely helpless and as if I'm failing him.

I'm so pleased you've had some time away to meet your own emotional needs. Sometimes you NEED a giant cappuccino and the biggest slice of cake going. Even if its just for a short period of time. Try to do that at least once a week or more if you can manage.

The mood diary sounds like an excellent idea.

It's also interesting to hear the perspective of someone who's dealt with their own depression.

Can I ask whether you attend the appointments with your partner?

Original poster
ProbablySelfishBitch · 01/02/2017 13:48

I don't usually go to the routine appointments. I always offer, but try not to butt in. He's said in the past he finds it easier to be honest with the psychiatrist when he doesn't have to think that whatever he's saying might worry me, and that makes perfect sense to me. The psychiatrist asked me to go along once, as she wanted to hear my perpective, and I go with him if he's in a really bad way or a crisis, and I'm more or less making him go (luckily he will go if I say I'm really worried and want him to).

OP posts:
mintthins · 01/02/2017 13:51

That coffee looks like just the very thing. Have some of these too Flowers

MaryAll · 01/02/2017 13:52

I really hope venting here helps you, as the described situation seems tough. Stay strong!