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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel raged at his depression?!

50 replies

ProbablySelfishBitch · 01/02/2017 09:31

I'm totally being unreasonable...

DH has depression that comes and goes in intensity. Right now he's having a very bad time. I know he can't help it. I know it's an illness. I even know what it's like to have mental health issues (although mine have been different). I'm honestly trying to be supportive and keep the show going, but dear god he's giving me a quiet inner rage!

I check on him this morning and notice he's awake. I ask if he'd want a drink and breakfast. He makes vague noices. I make him coffee and breakfast. I coax him downstairs, and he sort of sips some of the coffee and leaves the food. I try not to nag, and leave him be while I get on with other stuff. He's just lying there, staring. I make sure he takes his meds, try to talk to him a bit but get no response. He smells bad and I try to tell him how a shower and brushing his teeth would be a good idea etc. Instead he's just dragged himself back to bed.

Honestly, the poor guy, he must be feeling absolutely horrible, but WIBU to go out for a coffee and to Tesco just to get away from it for a second?! The house smells of DEPRESSION!

OP posts:

SignOnTheWindow · 01/02/2017 14:04

I am currently in your DH's position.

YANBU - poor you and poor him. Getting out and having some time for yourself is essential.

Depression is such an arse.

DJBaggySmalls · 01/02/2017 14:07

I have clinical depression and I wouldn't want to live with me when I am ill.
The only thing I found that worked was CBT. Meds just stop me being suicidal and make me feel numb.
CBT got me to make a calendar of daily goals and just achieve one easy one, such as get up, wash and get dressed. Then two, and so on.
Lying in bed doesn't make you feel any better. Having a specific goal or task to get up and do is the way to go.

LittleMissUpset · 01/02/2017 14:10

YANBU for needing time away and I say that as someone with depression.

You are encouraging him to eat and even making food for him, and trying to look after him.

Depression is incredibly hard, but you have to look after yourself too, and there's no need to feel bad about that

bibbitybobbityyhat · 01/02/2017 14:16

Thank you for this thread op. I am currently raging at a family member with depression (although I don't have to live with this person) - it feels like the people with good mental health are asked for endless "patience and understanding" and sometimes it is just TOO much!

The selfishness and self-centredness are quite breathtaking and the fallout within the wider family is hard to witness. But all the time you are not allowed to show this frustration because "not understanding" seems to be some sort of crime. Gah!

jcne · 01/02/2017 14:29

I think you need to look after yourself in order to look after him. if you are feeling fed up and tired and unthanked it's not going to help things.

i have MH issues so he's got my full sympathy, but he also can't be allowed to just flop over (if someone was allowing me to i would also!) so be a little bit selfish... it's for his own good

HyacinthsBucket · 01/02/2017 14:33

I used to work as a respite carer, and often covered for the spouses of someone with dementia. It used to break my heart to see these poor run down exhausted people walk out the door all grey and exhausted; yet they would come back after 3 hours to themselves so much happier and with the lines of worry gone from their faces. Even if it was temporary, it was a reprieve. You can't care for someone else and not take care of yourself first and foremost - otherwise you are no help to them at all, and it's something you need to make a priority not an afterthought. Your mental health is just as important as his, and if it's an hour a day you take to go swimming, go for a walk or just get out the house, you need to do it.
And let his medical team know that he's zombified on the dosages he's currently on. That can't be helping him.

TedEriksen · 01/02/2017 15:39

You are definitely not being unreasonable - you need to keep yourself well, and that can mean venting, or 'escaping' regularly.

While I'm not entirely correct to say depression can be catching, I'm not entirely incorrect, either. I always feel like I must be horrendous to live with when I am at the bottom of my depressive periods - incommunicative, lethargic, etc.

Original poster

ProbablySelfishBitch · 01/02/2017 15:40

Thanks everyone else who's commented.

bibbitybobbityyhat I know what you mean. Having had my own issues (well, everyone does, it's just a matter of seriousness I guess), I do have a lot of understanding (I hope!). But I think it's the nature of many MH issues that you simply don't have it in you to look beyong yourself, often. To give DH his due I don't see him as selfish usually. What gives me the rage most often is the non-responsiveness (is that a word?). I find it soul crushing to talk on and get no response. To try to engage and get nowhere with the man I love and live with.

Well, he's got out of bed without coaxing and has had a bit of lunch and talked in sentences, so I feel a lot less ragey and helpless at the moment than I did in the morning. :) If it keeps being like this for long I will definitely call his psychiatrist's secretary. At the moment he only sees her a few times a year, but they always say if there's a crisis or something changes to give them a call.

OP posts:

Itisnoteasybeingdifferent · 01/02/2017 16:04

OP,,

You have given yourself the wrong name.. You make him coffee, make him something to eat, check on him to make sure he is OK..

You are most definitely not a selfish bitch...

Though you are frustrated and lonely and yet you still care for him. That makes you a wonderful person.

SparkleTwinkleGoldGlitter · 01/02/2017 16:08

It's sounds like you are lovely and supporting your DH in each way you can but that must take it's toll on you as well.

Go and get your coffee & cake maybe make it a regular thing once a week? Take a book/newspaper and have an hour or so to yourself

Original poster

ProbablySelfishBitch · 02/02/2017 08:39

Thanks for the kind comments.

DH has seemed a bit more alive last nigth and this morning, although still gone back to bed after having coffee. Still I'm filled with rage and frustration, which is nice. I've got my own stuff to do today, so won't be sitting around the house with, which is also nice. Tomorrow I'm going to do my damndest to get him dressed and out of the house for a little bit!

OP posts:

Original poster

ProbablySelfishBitch · 02/02/2017 08:40

Obviously meant to write I'm NOT filled with rage and frustration, which is nice.

Maybe my rage and frustration is unconscious today, popping up as typos... :)

OP posts:

tinydancer88 · 02/02/2017 08:51

YANBU. Can't look after someone else if you're not looking after yourself too.

Sounds like a difficult, draining situation for you both.

heron98 · 02/02/2017 09:30

This might be controversial but when I have down periods my DP tells me to snap out of it and tells me I have nothing to be depressed about.

And he's right.

Yes, it's an illness blah blah but I also genuinely believe that letting people wallow doesn't help them.

When he says what he says I think - well, yes - I know people who are in far worse situations, have terrible lives etc. And on paper there is nothing for me to feel depressed about. So I get up and work through it until it passes.

I think if my DP was all cuddly and told me it was OK I'd probably lie there feeling sad for longer.

usernumbernonsense · 02/02/2017 09:36

My stbxh was like your DH. It was awful and I know what you mean about the house smelling of depression. I felt guilty if I went out and had a nice time but I had to. It was the only way to cope because everytime I walked in the door I could feel the life being sucked out of me. You do what you have to do to get through each day.

and for you OP

Miserylovescompany2 · 02/02/2017 09:46

I hope you are successful in encouraging him to get dressed and get him some fresh air. I know everything is a mamouth effort when you are depressed, the most simple things like washing/eating/leaving the house are so very exhausting even just the mere thought of them.

If he doesn't feel up to venturing out, please get yourself out regardless.

Ringing the psychiatrists secretary sounds like a good idea. It might just be a tweak in his meds that's required? He is in the midst of a depressive episode, so making that call can't hurt any.

Keep on venting, better out, than in :)

Original poster

ProbablySelfishBitch · 02/02/2017 09:59

heron98 that sounds quite a horrible way to treat someone with an illness. You don't have an illness because you have some reason to have it; you just have it. Many many years ago when I had my breakdown, if my DH had treated me like that, I don't know if I'd made it out alive to the other side...

OP posts:

amusedbush · 02/02/2017 10:12

YANBU. My DH suffers bouts of depression but I get angry about the fact that he point blank refuses to go to the GP. When he's in a down period, he's a horror show to live with, our sex life is non existent, his diet is awful and it's very draining for us both. I've been medicated for depression before and it's a horrible illness but few people talk about how hard it is to live with someone who suffers from it.

Original poster

ProbablySelfishBitch · 02/02/2017 10:18

I think if my DP was all cuddly and told me it was OK I'd probably lie there feeling sad for longer.

Just wanted to add, I think there is a huge difference in just passively enabling someone (I assume what you mean by being "all cuddly?" Sure actual cuddling isn't the issue?) and trying to be understanding and helpful while also trying to encourage people to get help and help themselves.

amusedbush - that sounds SO frustrating! It's definitely not talked about a lot, is it? I think if it was a physical illness you were caring for you'd get more understanding, but in a way I imagine it being almost easier (though physically tougher?), because then you wouldn't have this atmosphere of gloom hanging in your home and could still have normal conversations etc.

OP posts:

Miserylovescompany2 · 02/02/2017 10:23

heron98 depression isn't something you can just snap out of. For many people the severity of their depressive episode could have them hospitalised because they've become a danger to themselves/or others.

Telling someone there are people in worse predicaments is neither use nor ornament to the person on the other end of depression. If anything, it would only make them internalise their suffering and hide very serious problems like suicidal thoughts for example.

You don't make a choice one day to enter into a state of depression. Nor can dismissive words stop depression in its tracks.

Blossomdeary · 02/02/2017 10:37

It is so tough for you. And there is lots of understanding here. So many have been there themselves or are caring for loved ones in this situation. My OH had to do all this for me (and he is himself ill) and in many ways it made me feel worse seeing what he was having to cope with. So you will be doing your OH a favour if he knows that you are looking after yourself and having happy times too.

Ohyesiam · 02/02/2017 11:45

heron98 I wonder of you are talking about being unhappy rather than being depressed? They are very different things.

Sm00thie · 15/03/2017 06:01

My OH has been on meds since August, it took me two years to get him to the doctors and get to this stage. What I'm finding is there is no advise or support for the spouse supporting them - I've read the does and donts in books and online and am all too familiar with loosing a close one to this awful illness. Equally speaking a household still needs running, children looking after, work to be done all whilst tiptoeing on eggshells is exhausting.

esiotrot2015 · 15/03/2017 06:17

Hope things are getting better for you op

WateryTart · 15/03/2017 06:38

Nothing to add except to wish you the strength to carry on.

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