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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my husband to do this?!

59 replies

fedupwiththis2 · 01/02/2017 00:38

Name change, but looking for some advice. Basically I am on Mat Leave and have a 7 month old baby. Things in my relationship haven't been great. My husband seems to get angry a lot easier etc. So he works for himself at home, doesn't handle stress very well. Our routine is that he gets up with the baby in the morning, 7.30. He will make baby breakfast and bottle, baby plays. I head down around 8.30, after getting showered and dress and we eat breakfast. He starts working at 9/9.30. I do most of everything in the house, he will cook dinner and at a push do dinner dishes (usually in the morning). He works until late at night, most nights. Works a bit on weekends also.

The issue is I have been out Sat, Mon and tonight at around 5.30/6. So he has had to feed baby dinner, bath him and put him to bed, which he never is responsible for. I mentioned to him that my friend can only got the gym tomorrow at 5.30 and would he mind if I went at that time. He is pissed off with me and said he is doing everything and I am not helping him. That he needs help, he can't cook and care for baby. Keeping in mind, at the weekends, I still do majority of it all. He has never taken baby out on his own for a few hours or the day. I haven't left him on his own for the day with the baby either. He always said working for himself allowed us flexibility. He doesn't have core hours, it can be done whenever and he mostly works later on as he concentrates more. AIBU in asking for him to do a few bedtimes in the week? This isn't every week either, just a few things have come up.

OP posts:
wannabestressfree · 01/02/2017 00:43

I think given what he does and the fact he works from home it is a bit yes....

5OBalesofHay · 01/02/2017 00:58

Bit ott in my opinion

followTheyellowbrickRoad · 01/02/2017 01:01

No I don't think you are. You should both take turns in getting ds ready for bed. Can you cook when youthful home so if doesn't have to juggle it all?

Only1scoop · 01/02/2017 01:02

No I don't think you are.
Maybe swap and do early morning a few days and he can do bedtimes.

OneWithTheForce · 01/02/2017 01:03

Oh fgs! It's called parenting. Did he not realise he would actually have to care for the child he chose to create? What did he expect being a dad would involve?

Original poster
fedupwiththis2 · 01/02/2017 01:07

The thing is, the mornings he does because he no longer commutes. Dinner is literally bunging something in the oven. I do cook after I get home if I am out. I am rarely out. He just gets so angry at me now. He basically said that I shouldn't make any plans until after baby is asleep at 7, but he knows that means I will just have to stay in. He isn't about sharing it. He literally wants to do an hour childcare a day, 7 days a week.

OP posts:
anothermalteserplease · 01/02/2017 01:08

I think you should both share parenting and getting up with the baby in the mornings. It is a bit much to ask him to do bedtime 3 or 4 times a week when he's also having to work late in the evenings. Maybe on the nights you go out you could do the early morning shift so he can get started work earlier.

anothermalteserplease · 01/02/2017 01:10

It's hard working it all out but him getting angry quickly doesn't sound good at all. No he shouldn't have to just parent for one hour each day but it also sounds like he's doing a lot of work as well.

OneWithTheForce · 01/02/2017 01:10

Well he made the wrong choice in having a child then, he should have been an uncle or something if he only wanted to do an hour a day. Too late now, he has made his choice, he made a child, he has to raise it. You're entitled to a life outside the house. His aversion to "the not much fun parts" of parenting are his issue to work through, not yours, so don't be responsible for solving them. Go out, see your friends.

Eevee77 · 01/02/2017 01:15

It depends. Where have you been going? If he's working all day and then caring for baby at bedtime and you get free time to see friends etc while he doesn't I understand his frustration

OneWithTheForce · 01/02/2017 01:18

This isn't every week either, just a few things have come up.

Just reposting this part of the OP for anyone who missed it.

IfOnlyIKnewThen · 01/02/2017 01:19

YNBU. You've calculated how much parenting he does - now tell him that he is doing 7 hours a week and that you are doing the rest. Ask him if he is comfortable with that. Even if he is, he'd have a brass neck to admit it!

When he is not working does he get more free time than you?

Please tackle this OP because resentment builds and can be toxic, plus if you plan on having anymore you really need this sorted as it gets much worse when you are juggling the needs of more than one child.

Good luck.

Original poster
fedupwiththis2 · 01/02/2017 01:19

I have been caring for my Mum as she had a bad fall, so it was only 4 nights this week. She is getting better so it shouldn't be like this. Normally I go out twice a week to the gym 5.30 and I am back by 6.30, so I feed, bath, put baby to bed. So he never does bed time routine. In the mornings, we both get up, but I shower etc, then get baby ready for the day, clean up etc. He feeds baby in morning, then watches him play on the floor. When I go back to work, nothing will change, yet he won't do anymore. Doesn't seem very fair.

OP posts:
OneWithTheForce · 01/02/2017 01:21

He has never taken baby out on his own for a few hours or the day. I haven't left him on his own for the day with the baby either.

And this too.

So an abnormally busy week, in 7 months, where otherwise this man hasn't been left alone with his child.

7SunshineSeven7 · 01/02/2017 01:23

Wait, so he gets up every morning, wakes the baby, gets it breakfast, plays with it while you have a bit of a lie in then get a shower and come down.

He is working from home full time with a baby in the house (stressful).
He cooks dinner.
He does the dishes.
He works until late and most nights.
He also works during the weekend.
He does the baths and night routine while you go out.

And now you want him to do more night routines so you can go out.

I know you think he's only doing so much childcare in a day but if he was working in an office he would have the same amount of involvement but probably couldn't do the morning (as he'd have to get ready for work and commute) and be home later, unable to do the dinner.

OneWithTheForce · 01/02/2017 01:25

He does the baths and night routine while you go out.

No.

So he has had to feed baby dinner, bath him and put him to bed, which he never is responsible for.

OneWithTheForce · 01/02/2017 01:27

This is an unusual week where OP has been out 3 times and she has asked him if she can go out a fourth night. Normally this isn't the case. She isn't asking this on a permanent basis. Sometimes routines are upset and you have to take up a bit more slack than normal. It's called family life.

7SunshineSeven7 · 01/02/2017 01:30

Oh thanks One I read the OP wrong and thought this was the day to day routine!

I can understand if he is working though and has had to do the night routine alone for 4 nights. He probably doesn't remember not doing it prior to that. Maybe it would help if you sat down and wrote out a proper routine, including set hours for his work so you both know when he is working and not working. This can allow you both to book things to do outside of the home as the other one is free/not working.

Original poster
fedupwiththis2 · 01/02/2017 01:32

Sunshineseven, read my updates. I would love a bit of a lie in but that doesn't actually happen? Even though I do all the night wakenings too. I am also not off out living it up. I am not sure he works all those times he says he does to be honest. When I check on him he is watching a dvd, gaming or doing exercise. His office is at the end of the garden, so baby isn't there stressing him out while he is trying to work.

OP posts:
Original poster
fedupwiththis2 · 01/02/2017 01:34

Thanks one, to be honest, I think there is a lot more wrong with my relationship. Sitting down going through, lists and dividing up just aren't an option to him. He believes I am out of order so he is angry at me and away to sleep in his office. Hence me being up so late, just upset really. Probably this was a final straw really.

OP posts:
7SunshineSeven7 · 01/02/2017 01:35

As I just said, I mis-read the OP as that being your fulltime schedule. Didn't see your update until after I had posted. I still think creating 'set working hours' will do you good. After those hours he cannot use the excuse ''I'm working'' because he's had the time to do this just like if he was working in an office. As long as they're reasonable and he can choose the times between then it should be okay.

Italiangreyhound · 01/02/2017 01:58

fedupwiththis you are totally being reasonable and fair and he sounds like a massive pain in the arse!

Lots of things about your words are not really comfortable to read!

"He just gets so angry at me now" So since you had a baby he has started being angry. Was he angry before? Is he violent or threatening?

My guess is that maybe at some point you will end up parenting alone because he seems to be an angry man who thinks looking after the baby is your job.

"He basically said that I shouldn't make any plans until after baby is asleep at 7, but he knows that means I will just have to stay in. He isn't about sharing it. He literally wants to do an hour childcare a day, 7 days a week." So that's not going to work for long is it. Does he not want to be with his son?

Does he not realise the baby is only going to develop a relationship with him if he spends time with baby and does things for him.

"when he's also having to work late in the evenings"

Does he have to work evenings and weekends? Is it his own business, do you need the money? Or does he choose to do this because he prefers it to being with his son or being with you, OP?

"Doesn't seem very fair." because it isn't fair. Seems like his interest in fairness is about the same as his interest in caring for his son.

"When I check on him he is watching a dvd, gaming or doing exercise." So being in his office is actually just a place to do whatever he wants, not necessarily work. He is taking the piss. Did he want to be a dad?

Shouldn't that read ... His office is at the end of the garden, so baby isn't there stressing him out while he is watching a dvd, gaming or doing exercise!

Sounds like you need to overhaul your relationship before this lazy, angry man makes your life a misery.

Italiangreyhound · 01/02/2017 01:59

Sorry to be so blunt but when I started reading I just knew it was going to go badly.

I don't know what you will work out but you are in the right, and he is in the wrong.

Maybe he is stressed, maybe he is finding parenting hard, maybe you having to care for your mum is putting stress on him. I would suggest you talk honestly and see if you can work this out together to have a better joint life.

But if not, please, please do not allow this angry man to spoil your joy as a new parent or to endanger you.

hotdrinkandaliedown · 01/02/2017 02:44

Wow, it's not like you're out gallivanting and having cocktails each night - you're looking after your mum! Caring for small babies is stressful but unfortunately, this is what he signed up for.

Hope you can work something out.

OneWithTheForce · 01/02/2017 09:35

You know what, call him on his skivving! He says he is going to work and then sits and watches DVDs and works out? Bollocks to that. Tell him that since he has so much free time during the day you are now taking 3 mornings a week and pissing off by yourself to do as you please and he can be a parent. It's not like he would be missing any work! Don't let that go. He is taking the complete piss and then treating you like shite when you dare to ask for some time for yourself. That's not ok. Let him know you know what he is actually doing in there and tell him he is having the baby now. He can object all he wants, but the next morning don't tend to ten baby at 9am when he says he is going to the office. Have yourself dressed and ready to walk out the door.

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