To ask my husband to do this?!

[fedupwiththis2]

Name change, but looking for some advice. Basically I am on Mat Leave and have a 7 month old baby. Things in my relationship haven't been great. My husband seems to get angry a lot easier etc. So he works for himself at home, doesn't handle stress very well. Our routine is that he gets up with the baby in the morning, 7.30. He will make baby breakfast and bottle, baby plays. I head down around 8.30, after getting showered and dress and we eat breakfast. He starts working at 9/9.30. I do most of everything in the house, he will cook dinner and at a push do dinner dishes (usually in the morning). He works until late at night, most nights. Works a bit on weekends also.

The issue is I have been out Sat, Mon and tonight at around 5.30/6. So he has had to feed baby dinner, bath him and put him to bed, which he never is responsible for. I mentioned to him that my friend can only got the gym tomorrow at 5.30 and would he mind if I went at that time. He is pissed off with me and said he is doing everything and I am not helping him. That he needs help, he can't cook and care for baby. Keeping in mind, at the weekends, I still do majority of it all. He has never taken baby out on his own for a few hours or the day. I haven't left him on his own for the day with the baby either. He always said working for himself allowed us flexibility. He doesn't have core hours, it can be done whenever and he mostly works later on as he concentrates more. AIBU in asking for him to do a few bedtimes in the week? This isn't every week either, just a few things have come up.

Your mum is ill and this is how he supports you?

No, YANBU but if he won't discuss- how can you move forward?

Surely the way to get a better idea of what is fair is to tally up how many hours you do child care and house work per week. Then tally up how many hours he does with his work, house work and child care. Then if you are doing more hours than him then he needs to do more childcare/housework. Likewise adjust according if it is the other way round. It sad that he is not being more flexible to help with your social life regardless of who works what. If you care about someone you'd want them to enjoy a social life.

At first it sounds as if he dies quite a lot but if those working hours include lots of me time for him, then that's not fair. Also this week is out of the ordinary and he shoukd be supportive.

It sounds as if this has been building for a while. Talk to him. It doesn't sound as if either of you are happy with things as they are.

It sounds like he does a lot, considering he's also working full-time.

What would you do if he worked office hours with a commute? My DH leaves house around 8am and is rarely back before 7pm.

On days you want him to take over childcare early, why not offer to get up with baby and do the morning routine? It seems unfair to expect him to do morning, work a full day, then do dinner/bath/bedtime unless it's an emergency (e.g. Your mum needs you rather than you want to go to gym at a certain time).

Why not sit down at weekend and plan the week together, decide who does which shifts with baby? Otherwise it sounds like you want him to fit everything around you.

So he does all the morning routine, works full time (from home), cook diner, works evenings whilst his wife is a SAHM! No wonder the poor man is stressed.

Ha. He doesn't work full time. He goes to his shed to doss watching dvds and working out. OP has asked for 4 evenings only this week, not every week, so she can care for her mum and see her friend. And he's being an arse because he just wants to carry on dossing instead of wrestling a baby into a babygro.

OP has asked for 4 evenings only this week

so most of the evenings of the week really. Of course he should step up when the OP needs to help her mother. However, being a SAHM, having a lay-in the morning, having your diner cooked, and going to they gym a couple of evenings a week doesn't sound a bad deal to me at all. I didn't see any post about the husband only working part-time?

Reverse that, and all posters would be screaming that the SAH parent is having an easy life.

I think they should swap things around: mother does the morning routine, then father does evening routine that day, so everybody is used to doing everything. It will make transition easier when OP is back at work.

so most of the evenings of the week really.

Yes, this week she would like 4 evenings to leave the house. Just this week. Every other week she stays in. Her husband has never done the bedtime routine. What a selfish woman she is.

I didn't see any post about the husband only working part-time?

When I check on him he is watching a dvd, gaming or doing exercise.

Dossing.

OneWithTheForce

Why are you trying to antagonise the situation? He does mornings, she does evenings, they should have a chat about sharing things differently. There are tens of threads on here about women working from home, whose work is not treated seriously and are expected to do everything. Its amusing to see the replies when the one working from home is the male.

I am not going into an argument about another couples life. I am bit speechless about the "when I check on him".

Why are you trying to antagonise the situation?

Eh?

was he used to (pre baby) gettting a lot of alone time? i know if i had a nice little WFH routine established and that was eroded to constant companionship i would be one cranky wind bag. some people need that time.

mam the OP says he wishes to only do one hour of childcare a day. Hardly like a WFHM who isn't having her time taken seriously.

OP YANBU. I agree with Italian's posts.

I work from home, I am the main breadwinner, I am very active in my children's life's. Your DH sounds like he's cut himself off from you, for whatever reason.

We alternate bath and bedtimes in our house. So DH does Mon, Weds, Fri and I do Tues, Thurs, Sat. We both do Sun. The person not doing the bathing tidies up the toys and sorts bags for nursery the next day.

I couldn't go to a book club last night because it was a tues (its usually a weds but the day changed this week). I do exercise classes on Mon and Fri. We do swap around if needed for night out with friends etc but really its the fairest way. I do all the cooking (as he cant cook), he does all the washing up. So if your DH does the cooking then you should be doing the washing up.

On mat leave I did all nights. Now I work 4 days a week so this is mostly split evenly apart from on Thursdays as I have friday off work. In return for this I get fridays nights off of night duty.

Its all about equally splitting the childcare.

I think 4 evenings this week is too much however he does need to step up more. I suggest sitting down for a chat and working out a rota like we have.

YANBU

I really wish people would rtft and my updates. Check on him? Yeah to see how he is? If he wants a tea or something. Not too unreasonable if he is out there until all hours. People really need to read everything before jumping to conclusions about me "lying in" or swanning off to the gym. I am stressed about my Mum this week, she is ill and I am trying to look after her, look after my baby. I needed one week where I did 4 nights of care. He gets angry if I say anything about our situation. He won't sit down and divide it up. He will storm off and start shouting. He wanted this baby, he just didn't realise the reality. He has changed so much. I hate the aggression. Anyway, he has taken my car keys and told me I can't go out tonight to help my Mum get dinner and changed. So I think this is a bigger issue than I first thought. Not sure I feel safe here anymore. Thanks oneforce and grehound you have been so helpful. This is a far bigger issue than I could ever convey on AIBU so I probably shouldn't have posted.

he has taken my car keys and told me I can't go out tonight to help my Mum get dinner and changed

that is a million miles away from the tone of your previous posts OP! You go from a husband doing quite a lot frankly to what is purely and simply an abusive relationship. Of course it is not right to feel unsafe in your own home.

He has taken your car keys!

You could get a taxi to your mum and take baby in a carry cot?

He is fucking idiot! Does he think you going out is like maids night off!

This is very repressive.

If you not feel safe you need to call women's aid.

Apparently a lot of the men who get aggressive do so when their wife or partner are pregnant or have a new baby.

I wish people would read what you actually wrote!

mambono5 I think the signs were there from the first time she typed Joe angry he gets. I also think, sorry OP your early posts were a bit confusing and made it sound like your husband did more than he actually does.

It's a bit of a worry if you start seeing signs of abuse when someone is clearly overworked, stressed out and (with a young child) probably sleep deprived whilst their partner is a SAH parent.

Clearly this has now gone very far from the original post, and has now nothing to do with a fair share of tasks. I know what I would say to someone trying to order me around, but posters with experience in helping abused women will have better advice.

fedupwiththis go and pack a small bag take passport and bank stuff and call a taxi. I am sure you and your baby can stay at mums for a couple of days while you sort out somewhere to stay. He needs a short sharp shock to realise how he is behaving. He will either stop it and be sorry and work with you or continue to be a knob in which case its up to you. When you reach your mothers ring the police to report he took your keys in case it escalates. I hope he changes back for you but if not being a single parent is better than living with resentment.

Wow this throws a completely different light on things. Go help your mum. She is your priority here.

Sounds very worrying op. Keep yourself and baby safe.

oh OP this is a lot worse than I thought. He can't keep you in the house!! Agree with packing a bag, gathering passports/Beth certificates etc and getting a taxi to your mum's. Do you have any cash or access to a bank account?