Did I handle this interaction with DCs school poorly?

[bakeofffan]

And if so what should I have done differently?

DC is in yr 11. Not terribly academic, a fairly middle of the road performer, but generally a 'good' ie non trouble making pupil in a slightly rough school. Will be going to college in Sept and not staying on in 6th form.

2 of DCs closest friends no longer attend school, one went to a special unit before starting college in yr 10, another is now home edded. Both missed long periods of school (up to a year) before these changes were made. This may or may not be relevant.

Previously DC had some occasions of not going to school, because they couldn't be bothered or were late and didn't want a late mark. This was in yr 8/9, we had a meeting with the attendance officer which largely resolved matters.

Since Sept, DC has had 3 days off due to brace fittings, 2 days with a stomach bug, 1 day when we all had awful colds just before Xmas, and then this weekend fell down the stairs at home so missed another day yesterday as was very stiff and sore (more mobile today so went in).

I appreciate the importance of attendance, etc. But I'm not sending DC to school if (in my judgment) they're not well enough to go, or they have an appt to attend.

Someone called me from the school today, I think the manager of attendance but she didn't tell me. She did however tell me how she's spoken to DC, told them attendance must improve. DC (who is a people pleaser) apologized, and agreed her suggestion they could have come in on those days - so she has said that DC must come in to school however ill they are and she'll decide if they can go home...

I wasn't happy with this - on every absence I know the reasons and it's been my decision. This felt like she was saying she knew better than me!

She then said she'd contact DCs dad for his agreement. I explained that he sees DC about once a month, not overnight, and so he had little input. She suggested a meeting with myself and 'dad' which I refused as we are NC and I'd like it to stay that way.

I did say I would attend a meeting myself if she could give me notice (as I work Ft so would need to rearrange meetings etc) or discuss it further but as I was at work - stepped out of a meeting to take the call - I couldn't go into it further then.

Which was met with a sigh/tut and a 'oh if you're in a meeting' which felt rather like she thought i wasn't in one at all!

I just feel this is a bit of a fuss over nothing. DCs lessons finish in early May, it's less than one full term, surely there are other children to focus on in lower years?

Barinatxe, yes I guess looking at it from that perspective makes a lot of sense.

Re my X, I wasn't exactly telling them not to contact him, more that he's not really involved or any kind of influence but I suppose it could have been perceived differently.

As a working parent, especially a lone parent, schools always make me feel guilty for not being at home or around, hence why I'm probably a bit touchy about the meeting thing (I have 3-4 meetings a day, I wish I had less but it's the nature f my job).

I can't understand why people are saying the OP has a bad attitude because she kept her child off school when ill

TBH i think schools are obsessed with attendance and it stinks, is detrimental to families and no child should be sent in when ill. I think it's the school with the bad attitude here! Should the OP be apologising for her child being ill?

I am intending to follow up with an email to repeat I'm happy to speak again to them, and if they give me some notice I can make sure I'm free and block the time in my calendar (same goes for coming in for a meeting) but that I cant attend a meeting with X, I'm happy for them to contact him but I am resident parent. Etc.

I'll also refer to the absences I'm aware of and the reasons for those, just to check we're all singing from the same hymn sheet.

There's also been 2 instances before Xmas where DC was late for school, I was travelling for work and had to leave at 6am (normally we leave together just before 8). I did explain to school at the time I was 350 miles away, working mother guilt again. However I don't have any trips planned until after Easter and DC got a new phone with super noisy alarm for Xmas so that shouldn't happen again.

I think the phone call was warranted based on previous history..However I do agree school obsessed with been seen to do something about attendance.

I also would object to someone else making the decision about whether my child is sick or not.

I don't understand the brace appointments. Surely the conversations with the receptionist go:
"We've an appointment at 10 or 11

You: actually that time isn't great, when do you have a 9 o'clock or a 3/4 o'clock?

Receptionist: not until 7 weeks after the last appointment

You: ok, well we will wait until then unless you have something in half term

Receptionist : I've got 11am in half term but that's 8 weeks after and the Ortho said 6 weeks

You: it'll have to be 8 weeks this time as DC is in year 11 and unless it's at the start or end of day we can't do it as it eats too much into the school day

Well that's the convo I have with our orthodontist receptionist

It's not the school's place to make you or your child feel guilty. Your child should be in school if well enough, but at home if not well enough. It's not your job to worry about the school's attendance figures. I say this as a teacher and with dd having just had two weeks off (horrible flu virus and chest infection) from her school where dh is deputy head. Oddly enough, not a word from school about the absence...

I agree with you OP, you're the one who makes these calls and has duty of care. I'm guessing it would be a major fuss if you sent him in on these days & the school nurse decided he needed to go home from school.
If possible could you sort it by email. I wouldn't call it bad attendance. You had real excuses.

cherry

I agree I have a child who has recently been hospitalised for a notifiable disease on the second day of absence the school rang me to inform me that the exclusion period is only 24 hours so why was DC not back on school.
When I responded with they are in hospital I got disbelief

"What's he going to do when he leaves school and has to work?"

I'd assume call in a sick or use a holiday, as would most of us?
I took 3 days off for my brace fitting, although as holidays, as well as I can't concentrate/am very ill when I'm on my painkillers.

School attendance officers make my piss fizz. They are the in school version of traffic wardens and are not concerned with attendance as such, but rather meeting targets related to attendance.

I have had 4 children and my youngest is 8. I have warned the busy body at the school that if she ever suggests i alter my parenting to fit in with school again then i will complain to every single body I can. Parenting ( and the choices regarding my children health and whether or not they are fit to attend lie solely with ME). I was horrified when in the last summer term she quizzed me repeatedly as my daughter had the audacity to have THREE 24 hour bugs in one term. They didn't care that my 3 children go to different schools, and cousins even different schools again (so they are exposed to a wider germ pool). She told me that I was lax in my duties and my ( fit as a fiddle) daughter was obviously suffering some underlying immuno-suppressant illness that I had missed. She tried to insist on a GP trip and told me that any further illness would require a Dr note!! Needless to say I wrote an incredibly stern letter to the head asking for her medical qualifications and authority to assess my child. Cheeky bleeders.

Providing my daughter does not drop below 90% ish I couldn't care a fig. I am also violently against attendance certificates as it makes the poorly or differently abled kids feel like a burden from a very young age. As a disabled adult I ca tell you that it fucking hurts to have people look at you like you have let them down just because you have health issues.

needs thats awful!

Op are you the poster who had dc in vi form taking time off when not really ill? Are you a lawyer of some sort?

I think checking the attendance record to establish the facts is a really good idea. Your son might have been bunking off.

The orthodontist is very difficult to get appts with, ive not known them to have any outside 10-3, which would still mean missing a half day at least, plus DC is usually taken by a relative, so that does restrict us further. That said, there are no more appts until after the exams so it's not really an issue going forward.

I'm not a fan of attendance certs either, albeit DC got quite a few in primary - especially when they're linked to prizes etc. My friend's DD missed out on an attendance prize (and was really upset) because she had some time off after an accident at school when she broke her ankle...

I did post about DC before when there were some issues with skipping school in yr8, but it would have been under a different name back then.

YANBU at all

You can't win. If you sent your child in sick, everyone would be calling you selfish and thoughtless, as you could infect other children (the children! Think of the children!), keep him at home, and you are damaging his education. If anyone told me they would decide whether or not my child was sick, I would tell them where to go. You did fine, and the school is being ridiculous.

YANBU. DCs and I decide whether they are well enough to attend school. Not the school.

It's not actually your call whether the school contacts their father or not. Unless there is an order forbidding contact, then they have just as much right to attend any appointments at the schools. Schools can't take the word of one parent that the other isn't involved enough, because then there is all sorts of fuss when the other parent claims that they haven't been kept in touch with.

Is his dad down as a contact with the school? There is no reason why they can't contact the 'other parent' if listed as a contact.

Sounds like you handled it fine (unless you were shouting, swearing and refusing to let the other person speak...). Remember they're just doing a job, and they might not necessarily agree with the targets that your ds has fallen a fair bit short of but have to challenge.

They can contact my X but as DC lives ft me, his input is minimal at Best. I wasn't telling them not to contact him, I just wanted them to be aware that it's not a shared care situation.

However I'm not obliged to attend a meeting at which X is present, and I will not do so, as I will not be in his presence for good reason. I suspect the school think this is me being difficult, it really isn't.

No swearing or raised voices, I was at work so v professional, just said I couldn't speak for long and when it was suggested, that I wouldn't attend a meeting with X (but that I'd attend a meeting at which he wasn't present).

I wouldn't ask separated parents to come to a meeting, unless I knew/they stated it was amicable. I think that would be fairly bad practise. Is that what they're trying to do? (Sorry if I missed that bit!)

Yes that was what I was asked, would I attend a meeting with X - they wanted us both in the same meeting, which isn't going to happen.

They really care about attendance this year and in the run up to GCSEs because they want them to pass! It's not a 'fuss about nothing'.

Work with the school. Talk to them. Show them that you actually want your DS to do as well as possible.

Your tone about the school sounds defensive and huffy.

If he had no bones broken and could walk he should have gone to school after he fell down stairs. Stiff and sore is not a reason for a pre-GCSE lad to miss (another) day's school.

Call back today. Take pro-active action about arranging a meeting. And remember that your Ds 's education and attending as much as possible, supported by both home and school is the most important thing.

Not point scoring about who knows best, 'it's my decision ' etc

It is almost impossible to make calls during school hours as I am in meetings or completing urgent work - I often have meetings over lunch, I think we style them as 'working lunches'...anyway, so I sent an email explaining i was happy to come in, discuss it further, setting out when I knew DC was absent and reasons, etc, and that I can't attend meeting with X under ANY circumstances. No reply.

Today I got a letter from the (external) attendance people saying as attendance is below 95% they'd like me to come in for a meeting.

On Tuesday.

Given the letter was sent on Thurs, it's lucky it's arrived in time. Had it not arrived today, and on Mon, I wouldn't have seen it until I got home. As it is I'm required in a meeting 250 miles away that day, so have had to reply (by email) and explain I can't attend at such short notice. Luckily I am (exceptionally) working from home another day next week to complete a specific project, so I have suggested this date as an alternative...what more can I do?

Do they really expect parents are able to attend a meeting at one working days notice? I know very few people who can take time off at such short notice, rearrange their working calendar etc, except for a life or death emergency. I should add the school meeting was at 1pm, so even if i was not already committed at work that day I'd have to take an entire day off (working from home is allowed exceptionally, and so would not be agreed twice in one week). I do just feel sometimes that they forget parents work, and very few have the flexibility to attend a meeting in the middle of the working day at such short notice.

I'm also a little annoyed that rather than reply directly to my email, or address the issues raised therein/ in my call, the school have just escalated it externally. It feels rather like a rebuke for disagreeing with the teacher telling DC they must come in and teacher will decide if they're ill.

Maybe it was escalated externally following your phone call? Probably a bit of delay between it being referred and letters sent out. When you say external, is it education welfare service?

Attendance advisory service...not sure if it's the same thing? I believe they cover all schools in local area.