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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who's in the wrong?

73 replies

embod · 30/01/2017 23:19

So it's one of my oldest friends birthday (40th) coming up. She lives in London - I don't so was planning on travelling up for the weekend to join in her celebrations. However I found out today there is a chance a big job interview will be happening the following week. This would be a big thing for me - I'm a single mum to two kids and this job could have a huge impact on my family life in terms of our financial security. The interview would also require quite a lot of preparation. As soon as I found out I sent her a message to say this was happening and therefore might not be able to make it but I'd call her tonight.

I've had a really arsey message back with the implication this is just a cop out. I'm afraid as I'm also dealing with a sick child and childcare issue I lost my patience with her and now we've had quite a falling out about it. AIBU to think my friend should understand what a big deal this for me?

OP posts:
SheFeedsYouTeaAndOranges · 31/01/2017 04:27

Her birthday is not more important than your children/the rest of your life.

I cannot, never have and never will understand adults who celebrate their birthdays in such a self indulgent way.

melj1213 · 31/01/2017 04:40

I think the fact that it's a milestone birthday means it might be more of a big deal - if it was just any other birthday then I might have said she was BU to be so annoyed you had to call off.

But, if it's her 40th I imagine she wants to make a big deal out of it; has planned more than a usual birthday as you mention "celebrations" rather than just a party/dinner; and has probably been looking forward to you finally coming to London to visit, and then you call off for a "possible" interview the following week.

There is no reason why you can't do both, YABU

Underthemoonlight · 31/01/2017 04:56

If the interview is for next week can't you prep all week and go to the party at the weekend? It's only Tuesday today.

AmeliaJack · 31/01/2017 05:27

I'm really surprised at some of these responses!

Job trumps night out hands down. Unquestionably.

If my oldest friend cancelled for that reason I'd happily reschedule.

I can only presume that some posters haven't had to do this kind of interview. If there's a presentation to be done as well as the interview questions then that's hours and hours of work.

This really isn't something that can be thrown together in a couple of hours on a noisy train. Well not if you want the job.

Send your friend flowers/wine or whatever to grovel but stick to your guns.

Do your prep and best of luck with the interview!

YellowDinosaur · 31/01/2017 06:07

What ameliajack said.

I've had a couple of interviews like this in the past couple of years. I worked pretty much round the clock apart from eating and sleeping. Thankfully I have a supportive dh who did everything in the house and for our children while I did this.

The op is a single mother. She won't have the benefit of this. Presumably her children are elsewhere for the weekend while she planned to visit her friend. Of course she should take advantage of this time to prepare. And while her friend isn't unreasonable to be disappointed, to fall out because of this is ridiculously self centered.

cuddlymunchkin · 31/01/2017 06:26

It sounds to me like she's already thinking of reasons to flake out - 'sickly child' - she's looking for an excuse not to put some effort in to the friendship and travel to her for once.

Original poster
embod · 31/01/2017 06:27

Thank you for everyone who has taken time to respond.

I understand she is disappointed and I am too for that matter. But this isn't the kind of interview that I could prep for on the train. It will take most of the week before aswell as the weekend. As a single mum my time is precious and I have to grab any free time with both hands.
I'm going to ring her today in the hope that the dust has settled and we can come up with an alternative plan.
With regards to me not visiting her as much prior to this this it was due to major debts problems caused by my ex husband. Something I thought she'd always understood.

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 31/01/2017 06:52

What kind of interview needs a week including a weekend to prepare for? I can understand having to set aside 2-3 evenings/afternoons, if it's a slide deck or STAR scenarios, but surely not that much.

If you have to invest that much time and can't do at least some of it from memory are you sure you are investing in the right job?

Crumbs1 · 31/01/2017 07:01

Agree a whole week to prep for a 'possible ' interview seems excessive. Assume you don't know content yet. We run assessment centres when recruiting above a certain level but is it still wouldn't take that long to prepare a presentation and practice questions. I get there might be pre reading but that could be done on train.
It feels like you wanted to support your friend but didn't actually want to do it. A possible interview is an excuse not a reason.

Original poster
embod · 31/01/2017 07:03

It takes that amount of time as I'm juggling 2 children on my own and also want to give it the due care and attention as it will make such a difference to my family.
I will only have the presentation title a few days before.

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 31/01/2017 07:06

I don't think you're unreasonable to prioritise the interview (that hasn't been set up yet) over your friend. You obviously really want the job. You are unreasonable, however, to expect her to be completely understanding about this. It isn't a direct clash, you haven't been to see her as much as she has been to see you (again, you expect her to be understanding of this) and actually her party has been organised for ages and the interview isn't even set up yet.

You may have to accept that you are making your choice and she is reacting normally to that.

Did you have no say in when the interview might be at all?

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 31/01/2017 07:09

It sounds tough, but to me you are making excuses not to go. Sorry.

SouthWindsWesterly · 31/01/2017 07:13

A big interview that would lead to work and financial stability for your family? I realise that it's your friend's birthday but that's a no brainer. Were you the only one she was celebrating with though?

Bluntness100 · 31/01/2017 07:14

I also think you're making excuses, having had to do this it doesn't take several days, and you could organise child care for one day once you get the title and do it. I'm assuming if you get the job you'd need to get child care anyway, be it a parent or otherwise and you will need it for the interview also, so it's not unreasonable you could organise some to allow you free time to write your presentation and prepare and then finally hone it on the train or in the evenings.

There is no need to cancel.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 31/01/2017 07:17

However I found out today there is a chance a big job interview will be happening the following week.

So you don't actually know if you have the interview or not.

NormaSmuff · 31/01/2017 07:17

My immediate thought is you should visit her. What sort of prep do you really need? is the party the actual day before the interview? you didnt give that impression
just go.

fuxxake · 31/01/2017 07:17

What teaandoranges said. What is it with adults acting like 7 year olds about birthdays?! You could just have a weekend with her after the interview when you'd both be relaxed and enjoy it more. She needs to get over herself.

NormaSmuff · 31/01/2017 07:18

you n eed to work on your preseentation Now, let it go for the weekend, while you are up in london, you never know it might Help.

oleoleoleole · 31/01/2017 07:19

She's in the wrong. Yes it's her 40th but there'll be other birthdays, you won't get this job interview again.

MargotLovedTom1 · 31/01/2017 07:19

As pp said - is it just you celebrating with her or a group? If it's a group set up then I think she's being a bit OTT falling out with you. If it's just you, then yes, she'll be disappointed but I'd hope she would understand under the circumstances.

When will you know for sure that you have an interview? Have you already bought a train ticket?

Chloe84 · 31/01/2017 07:24

I think the interview is more important. Could you call them and ask if the interview is definitely that week? Is that what you're waiting to hear about?

Original poster
embod · 31/01/2017 07:24

I totally understand that she is gutted - I am too. I haven't cancelled I've just flagged up that this is a potential problem and I'll know more next Tuesday. I already work full time and this job would be a promotion so I already have childcare in place. Obviously the prep can only happen in my own time though and not having the title to a few days before would leave me little opportunity. 0
Party is on the Saturday night and interview Monday. I would need to best the best part of Saturday and Sunday travelling to and from London.

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 31/01/2017 07:24

Was it plans with just you and her or part of a group

You are making her birthday sound like a massive inconvenience tbh.

Original poster
embod · 31/01/2017 07:26

Also not just an interview it's two full days of tasks, presentations and interview.

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 31/01/2017 07:26

'There is a chance interview will be following week' as per your Op.

But you now know it's on the Monday?