Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable for telling my husband not to come back next time?

77 replies

CalorieCreditEqualsCake · 30/01/2017 22:38

We had an argument on Saturday morning so he got up and left, I assumed work. No plans for it previously, we were very angry with one another so I suppose a few hours away wasn't a bad thing.

I text him in the day and asked if he wanted some of the thai I was cooking and he said yes, I made him some early evening and we spoke before I went out. DC asked if he would come waking with the dog we were looking after, DH said yes. He totally denies saying yes but can't 'remember what he did say'.

On Sunday morning he puts on his work trousers and leaves.

He didn't tell me, he didn't tell the kids. He just ups and leaves.

He wasn't back again until bed time.
I'm beyond livid. He's done this before and it makes a mockery out of a marriage that should be secure. Just upping and leaving not telling anyone? Like he's a single man?

And since he's done it before, no doubt he'll do it again.

I've just told him if he does it again to never come back.

He doesn't see the problem with 'going to work'. Going to work isn't the issue whatsoever. It's getting up and leaving when having not previously planned and no regard for us. I asked him why he didn't take the opportunity to tell me on Saturday night that he planned to work. He said 'he hadn't made the decision then'.

He really doesn't see what's wrong with it.

OP posts:
AddToBasket · 30/01/2017 23:52

Is he a workaholic? The kind of person who equates going to work as the highest possible contribution?

Bunnyfuller · 30/01/2017 23:53

'Hi love, how long do you think you'll be? I'm a bit disappointed as I thought we could do....' That would be the call. To get a win win. Clearly trying to get him to admit he's in the wrong doesn't work so try another tack!

My DH shuts down and refuses to answer if I go all rant-a-thon so I use his 'quiet time' to calm down and hink how I can try to get him to see things from my perspective (mine thinks its ok to fuck off to the gym without bothering to tell me so I wait starving hungry for dinner).

Megatherium · 31/01/2017 00:05

Why on earth would I want to speak to him?! He had just ditched his family and went off like he had no cares or responsibilities in the world. What on earth would I have called him for?!

Maybe to point out that he'd gone off without consulting you and you needed him to be at home to do things with the children?

AndNowItsSeven · 31/01/2017 00:09

You sound very immature op. Totally understandable your dh went to work , the atmosphere at home sounds horrible.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 31/01/2017 00:16

Wow, some of you put up with some pretty rude behaviour from your partners and then try and make it your responsibility.

That's fucked up

becausebecausebecause · 31/01/2017 00:31

YANBU OP. I'd be absolutely livid if my DH just upped and left for the day without a bye or leave. That's not a partnership.

I gather there's been quite a build up if you snapped on the Saturday morning?

Bunnyfuller · 31/01/2017 00:32

Sometimes it's called compromise and acknowledging we all have our bad points. Being human and forgiving sometimes is better than always always standing your ground just to prove you're right. What's more important, proving your point or day by day being two people working on a marriage together.

If I rant and sulk we have repeated behaviour. If I chill the fuck out and explain why I'm unhappy, quite often, amazingly, he realises! I married a human, who has shit moods and behaviour sometimes. As do I. If that's fucked up I suspect there's a lot of it out there.

I congratulate you on your perfect marriage, sock - does his poo not smell either?!

NeedsAsockamnesty · 31/01/2017 01:17

I was widowed bunny then remarried and divorced because I was not prepared to make my last husbands shite behaviour my own responsibility.

As a result I don't have to run my life dealing with someone else who likes to throw a spanner in the works when ever they fancy it.

However my late husband was actually a grown up and a decent father who knew that I wasn't the default parent and that he had just as much responsibility towards our children's well being. It was certainly a shock amd a dreadful loss when he passed away (even if he did leave his dirty pants on the floor all the time) my last husband however, meh life was much much easier when he became someone else's problem.

TheNaze73 · 31/01/2017 01:31

If I was being ranted at, I'd do exactly what your DH did. Surely you realise that not everyone deals with conflict, the way you do?

Original poster
CalorieCreditEqualsCake · 31/01/2017 07:03

Being ranted at?

When did I 'rant' at him?

And believe it or not there was absolutely no build up to the arguement on Saturday. I asked him about some cocopops and I was a bit frowny and 'for goodness sake' and he flew off the handle.
Basically he's a very miserable bastard on the weekend until he's had many coffees and me and the kids are sick of being on the receiving end of it every Saturday morning.

I find it quite concerning that some of you would be so placid and call someone to say 'hello love....' despite the fact the husband had effectively left them for the weekend.

No he isn't a workaholic, he just likes to have the freedom of a single man and clearly sees the children as my domain when he's sulking

OP posts:
Original poster
CalorieCreditEqualsCake · 31/01/2017 07:07

Also Naze not only did I not 'rant' at him. It was Sunday morning, 24 hours after the argument. I was in the living room with the kids when he decided to go, so don't make assumptions about the situation that weren't there. He did not leave because he was 'being ranted at'.

And do you have kids?
You would make plans with them for Sunday then pack your stuff together and leave at 7am without a word and not come back until bed time? Thats a frigging terrible thing to do to your kids and I feel sorry for your children if you're so easily flighty. God forbid you and your significant other every argue.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 31/01/2017 07:14

Thenaze who would look after your children if you did that?

Treaclex · 31/01/2017 07:22

Who looks after the kids when you work weekends? I think your both being rather pathetic over something so simple the key is communication.

ArgyMargy · 31/01/2017 07:30

The issue here is simply that OP would never leave her children without explaining where she's going but her DH does this without a care. It's not unusual - many men never (have to) worry about their children because they know the mother will always put the children first.

Ginorchoc · 31/01/2017 07:33

The way you jump down the throat to some people on here I can see why he left for the day, if he is grumpy every weekend until he has hands loads of coffee it's reads as though he has had enough, as have you, not a great atmosphere for the children either.

Ginorchoc · 31/01/2017 07:33

*had

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 31/01/2017 07:37

And believe it or not there was absolutely no build up to the arguement on Saturday. I asked him about some cocopops and I was a bit frowny and 'for goodness sake' and he flew off the handle.

So you were arsey too then.

GoesDownLikeACupOfColdSick · 31/01/2017 07:38

I can see why you are pissed off, Op. esp if you do the bulk of the childcare during the week as well. But clearly something isn't quite right - not necessarily serious or anything, but in the way you are communicating - and whatever you're doing now isn't working.

I think you have to be really honest with yourself about your behaviour and what might have tipped him over the edge and then sit down and talk to him. Tell him exactly how you feel about what he did, and that going to work doesn't excuse anything and everything, and how you feel about what you did. See what he says, he might surprise you. Something you saw as a throwaway nothing might have really offended him, for example, or he might genuinely not see a problem and need an explanation, or he might be a massive sulking man child!

Then you can work out how to stop it happening again.

AllTheLight · 31/01/2017 07:45

He is being completely unreasonable to do this.

But maybe you need to stop focusing on getting him to admit he's in the wrong (as that clearly isn't working) and have a more general conversation about how to improve communication in your marriage.

DH and I went on a marriage course a few years ago. It was very good at promoting non-confrontational communication. Would you both consider something like that? (Sort of a step below counselling.)

FallenSky · 31/01/2017 07:47

I'm confused with the replies on this thread. Op admitted she got arsey with him on Saturday morning, he walked out and went to work and even though it upset op, she agrees it was probably best they had some time away to cool down. She then made him dinner, they had a normal evening by the sounds of it and went to bed. It was then the next day that he upped and left again without saying a word and stayed out all day, even though he had made plans with his dc. How is that OK? Have I completely misunderstood the op?

The Saturday, maybe, but the next day as well? I would be angry too, op. Plus I would never up and leave without telling my DH I was going out and I certainly wouldn't put up with my DH doing that to me.

Soubriquet · 31/01/2017 07:47

I can't believe the responses here OP

Of course yanbu!!

No decent parent would just walk out of the house without checking with the other to make sure it's ok.

Anything could have been planned today

It's extremely selfish of him to just assume you're ok to stay at home all day whilst he fucks off to work just because "he feels like it"

Thinkingblonde · 31/01/2017 08:08

I'd have been annoyed too op.
My husband won't argue, he used to do the walking out thing. He'd just go, I would ask where he was going and he'd just say "Out" and not come back for hours, usually pissed.
Until the day I told him if he did it again not to bother coming back. The door would be bolted and his stuff left in bags outside.
He knows me well enough to know I meant it.

Fidelia · 31/01/2017 08:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Megatherium · 31/01/2017 08:54

I find it quite concerning that some of you would be so placid and call someone to say 'hello love....' despite the fact the husband had effectively left them for the weekend.

I for one didn't suggest you should have called and said "Hello love..." What you could have done is called and said he made plans with his children and to get his arse back home. Why didn't you do that?

arethereanyleftatall · 31/01/2017 09:00

There's two options here. Either...

  1. He is a sexist, sulky, thoughtless arse who believes you're the default parent. This assumes that from saturday night forward, all was fine in your house. Or
  2. You were sulky/still cross, contributing to an awful atmosphere, and, as he knows you better than we do, he realised the few hours he gave you the day before weren't enough for you to calm down.

We don't know which option is right, because we only have one side to the story.

Either way, the key is communicatuon when you're both calm.