To be upset at SIL being pregnant

[DogMama89]

OKAY. So I know that IAB REALLY BLOODY U. But hear me out. I am really really struggling. I have been off the pill since 2015, and I'm fairly broody hormonal and stupid, and although I'm not desperate for a DC but I'm starting to worry that there's something wrong. (I came off the pill initially to regulate hormones, but then dp and I agreed it was best I didn't stay on it as it was making me a moody cow) I mean ive had a few tests and they seem to be clear. But EVERYONE IS HAVING BABIES AND I CANT COPE!! Dsil was my best friend before I even started going out with my DP, and still is but she's just announced, (on the same day BILs girlfriend gave birth to his DS and she got pregnant after a few weeks of them being together!) she's expecting a little girl, I want to be elated and I know I'm being a bitch, but when she told me I thought I was going to throw up. I felt like I'd been hit by my two Ton Volvo estate. And she was pregnant after a bleeding one night stand with an asshole (not that I disagree with her doing that I love her to bits but God alive, a one night stand, whilst On the mini pill two days after her bleed ended, what are the odds?! And to add insult to injury my best friend is expecting her third after ttc one cycle.
What can I do to manage this?

i know iabvu and I promise I'm not generally a throw your toys out the pram type, but I just feel like all these people are accidentally getting pregnant and although I don't dispute they will make the most fabulous parents, I can't help feeling Frustrated and broody!

please help me get over this bratty bitchiness so I can get back to loving my almost arrived niece, my new godchild, and my beautiful friends and family

TIA

dog

People who've never gone through this just don't understand the primal need for a baby, it's not just something you can switch off. However much you know you are being a jealous bitch, sometimes it gets the better of you and then you feel awful for that. Try to remember, it is natural to feel like that and don't beat yourself up too much. My advice is to stay away from Facebook (endless babies, bumps and happy families made me want to smash my computer and/or put my head in the oven) and limit your contact with pregnant friends and relatives. Maybe your DH could have a word and say, "OP is genuinely happy for you but of course she's finding it a bit tough at the moment as we are having difficulties in that area, I know you'll understand."

If possible, try to focus on something else, I went to the gym and worked out some of my rage on the punch bag, getting in decent shape is very beneficial to conception too and it's one of the few things you can actually do to feel like you are doing something iyswim. Best of luck.

YASSSNBU.

It's the hardest thing in the world. I had to watch my DS have three babies, my SIL have two, and my friends have countless others in the years we were TTC. As time went on, it was like a knife to the heart and by my DS's third, I really thought I couldn't handle it. I did though, because I had to. We have given up now. No children for us. I'm not going to say "It'll happen for you," because it might not. Very few people say that, but there are some people who can never have children no matter what they try, and I wish more people had had the courage to say it to us rather than the ubiquitous "Oh it'll happen when the time is right" that I heard all the time.

Having said that, I hope you get lucky soon. Best of luck.

Been there, done that, have the t-shirt.

My sure fire solution was to have a safe rant (one friend in particular was great at listening to it) which involved full on snot ugly crying, then have a slice of cake and get on with it.

It's truly crap. But as you say, you know YABU and you can't begrudge people their luck.

Right there with you OP, it's completely shit, even more so when they say Oh we weren't even trying.

After 5 Miscarriages I've now learnt to do my fake face, where I smile, make cooing noises and say how happy Ii am for them.

Then I come home, cry and eat an entire packet of biscuits to myself.

And make sure you ignore people who say things like "Try not to be jealous of SIL JUST because you can't have what she has" as some MN posters helpfully told me a few times. These women had their own babies obviously . There's no "just" about it. Dismissing my feelings as those of a child who is envious of her mate's new expensive toy...way to go.

I agree sukey. "Enjoy their happiness and their babies" was another one particularly lacking in insight.

My favourite one is "Don't compare, comparison is the theft of joy".

I also don't think it's always helpful for people to recount stories of how they got pregnant on their 17th round of IVF. While it's VERY well-intentioned and designed to give hope, the person is always speaking from the other side of the divide, and there is a sense somehow that they are trivialising the pain that people genuinely feel when they haven't fallen pregnant. This might just be me though - I couldn't have kids at all, so being told all the happy stories of those who had miracle babies actually really made it way worse.

This might just be me though - I couldn't have kids at all, so being told all the happy stories of those who had miracle babies actually really made it way worse.

No I agree totally. It's not as if infertility has one cause. Something that worked for someone's second cousin's aunt probably hasn't got anything to do with my situation at all.

I've had miscarriages too, and there's nothing positive to say about the experience.
A friend said to me: Prepare yourself for other people getting pregnant, people you don't much like or don't think 'deserve' it, and let it go, because people do get pregnant all the time and the world just goes on.

Ditto people say stupid things all the time on the subject, and they pretty much don't mean them. They're just a bit thoughtless and unaware. Or perhaps aware and tactless. I have a gazillion of those.

My point it that this all hurts massively but it's not going to stop, even if you tell people you're hurting. Some people really just don't get it and the world of babies is a topic of conversation. Be strong, detach from what people say, and good luck for your own plans. :)

When I got pregnant (unplanned pregnancy) my SIL was trying to conceive. She struggled a lot but eventually had a baby and her DC is only 3 months younger than mine.

Because of that no one in my DH's family said "congratulations" to us. In fact, his mother cried with misery because I was pregnant but her other DIL just couldn't.

We didn't celebrate, we didn't go for a simple meal, we actually needed to hide my pregnancy to not make my SIL suffer. They treated me like a piece of s* and I worked up to few days before I went to labour and few weeks after that. I was depressed and they took advantage of that.

After having some therapy sessions now I understand that they were trying to balance her suffering taking away some of my happiness.

I hope you can have a baby very soon and just let other people live... it's not good for anyone.

I hear you, I've been there and it's awful . My son's stillbirth changed me as a person, and I really didn't like this new jealous, bitter person I'd become. Every pregnancy announcement brought me to tears: they had what I so desperately wanted.

There may be a reason you can't conceive, and if you're not pregnant after over a year off the pill and trying, you and your DP/H doing those tests is wise. It may just be your body is taking its sweet time getting back to normal following the pill. Doesn't really matter why - it doesn't change what you're feeling. If you're close/comfortable with this, be honest. It makes your distance easier to understand. I'm delighted for you, really I am. It's just hard for me as we are struggling, so I might not be able to be all gushy about the scan pictures, etc. Good friends understand.

Rant away here, or to a trusted friend. Try not to let it sour your relationship with friends and family, hard though that is. I have friends who got pregnant very soon after my son died. It is still, even over a year later, harder to spend time with those babies than others. Not their fault, not my fault, just shitty, shitty timing.

It's not about being unreasonable it's about distancing yourself from the situation, you can be happy for people even if it means keeping a distance whilst you deal with your own problems, a pregnancy is a time of happiness and she deserves support not the judgement you're showing.

You've been off the pill for just over a year, it can take a year for your fertility to return, if you want to be pregnant this much then focus on your health and fertility.

I have been there with infertility and 3 miscarriages, I went through it for 4 years and It was very hard but I made sure not to compare with others, you don't know what struggles people are going through,your pain/problems are not a stick to beat others with and needs to justify or feel less deserving to be pregnant.

Actually, one thing I'd like to see become taboo is the scan pictures on FB/used as avatars etc.

A pregnancy announcement is a happy thing but I find those so tone deaf. So many people seeing your scan pictures in their social media feeds will have lost babies. Nobody needs to show the pictures. I wish people could be more thoughtful about those.

You've been off the pill for just over a year, it can take a year for your fertility to return, if you want to be pregnant this much then focus on your health and fertility.

What does that even mean? There's no indication either way about the general state of OP's health (and whether she can change that), and how do you 'focus on your fertility' in a way that's likely to actually make anything better?

This time last year I was in love in a long-term relationship and thought I was gonna do all the marriage and babies combo... short answer - didn't work out. I am at an age where my chances of all the things happening are slimmer - what gets me is the friends with kids, there's been three so far, saying well go and have one by yourself... just buy some sperm, like that's the easy option, not understanding that its a whole family I want, and a lover and all, it's almost like they are convinced that after this last one I won't find anyone ever again...
It's horrifically rude and I have to bite my tongue so hard. For a while I couldn't even like peoples kid pics on fb. When an old friend who never wanted a family called to tell me her good news, it took all my willpower to be pleasant. I cried a lot after.

MargaretCavendish It's not a general statement, it means that some women don't ovulate for a good amount of months after stopping taking the pill, it's not the majority but it's not a tiny amount either and it will vary from woman to woman.

Focus on her fertility means seeing if there's anything which may be hampering their chances - how much alcohol they're consuming, are they having sex often enough, how regular are her periods etc etc. Just not using condoms is not sufficient, she may ofcourse already be doing these things but they're not apparent from the post.

Ok, I see what you mean. In my experience most women who have been trying a while are already pretty 'focused on fertility' though, and it's a bit frustrating to be told that it could just be because you're not trying hard enough. (Especially when, as OP, is finding, plenty of women around you are getting pregnant without trying at all.) That's how I read your post, but I apologise because it now seems that I misread it.

OP, it's been what? A year and a half?

Don't get caught up in this idea that you're infertile after such a very short time.

Go to your GP, sure. But try to think about something else than babies. It's so easy to get obsessed long before there's any need for concern.

Had to respond to this as I sit here sobbing (yet again) at my grief of not being in 'a position' to have the DC3 I so desperately want (long story). I know I already have two children but the grief I feel is overwhelming. I am broken-hearted at the desire for a baby I will never have.
So OP no, YANBU, you are not even jealous. That is too simplistic. A woman's desire to carry and birth a child are primal.
Some of the advice you've been given is good - I'm watching and waiting for more gems. You ladies are fab.

It is incredibly difficult and you are not being unreasonable at all. You know you have to treat SIL with grace and I'm sure you'll do that. But it's ok to feel gutted - it's not ok to take that out on a pregnant woman but it's ok to feel it. You wouldn't be human if you didn't.

When we were ttc we managed within 6 months and we were so careful to be low key about it because I knew several friends were struggling with Ttc.

Have a good rant and a good moan in a safe space. your feelings are entirely reasonable - all you can control is your reaction towards others and sometimes thats easier if 1. You have an outlet to rant to and 2. You go easy on yourself and don't feel bad about feeling bad.

OP, YANBU at all. I totally understand how it feels when it seems like everyone else is getting the thing you want, without even really necessarily wanting it.

If it's helpful, try and remember that they are having their babies. You don't want their babies. You want YOUR baby. Therefore they actually don't have the thing you want at all.

If that's not helpful, then ignore me.

I've been where you are op, and of course you're not U to feel upset. It's been over a year and you've probably watched dozens of friends, family and work colleagues get pregnant seemingly effortlessly. I swear there was literally one for every period that showed up when we were trying. If you're not tracking your ovulation, do so. We don't all ovulate on day 14 like the books would have you believe and the wriggles need to be in waiting for it!

Your GP should have referred you on for proper testing (DH as the easiest starter) to identify what the possible hold up is so I would definitely go back to him. I'm sure the boards here will be very helpful, and more current than me. We tried for 5 years, had 2 ivfs and now our girls are 12 and 10. Good luck and big hugs xxx

MargaretCavendish No worries,those are the first questions we were asked for our first appointment at the fertility clinic, they asked all sorts of questions of which most seem really obvious especially when you've read taking charge of your fertility back to front, at first the didn't do anything apart from tell us to have more sex and do some basic tests because for some 18 months is a normal amount of time to TTC apparently, wasn't the case for us but it helped that even those without issues could take a while.

And comments telling you to eat healthier, drink less...not helpful and bloody ignorant. If thy were so important, babies conceived in cars after the booze on a fri night..

So wrong! Your fertility isn't that bloody fragile! And ovulation usually returns almost immediately after the pill. Am guessing Margeret didn't experience infertility otherwise she would know that's utter crap and not even thought about when you go to a fertility clinic

Bunnyfuller clearly you are an expert in the field, weight, alcohol and diet were mentioned at our appointment, we didn't go to some small clinic in the middle of nowhere, it's a big clinic which is highly regarded and used by a large city and beyond.