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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP wants tattoo

55 replies

Hyggemama · 30/01/2017 09:16

Okay so basically my DP announced he is getting a large tattoo which will cost around £1000 in total Shock. We are just starting our family, 1 DC and planning for another and don't have tons of cash, don't go on fancy holidays etc and I'm only on SMP which will run out in May. I like tattoos but I don't feel I can support him in this.
He says he wants my support through it but I simply can't understand how he is okay spending so much purely on himself and how he looks. He says he has wanted it for ages and has done loads for me and DD (both true). I just feel like that money could be put towards something he will get more fulfillment from (doesn't have to involve me or DD) like a bike or a holiday. We are hardly talking ATM as he says this is just me being too frugal and trying to control him as usual. AIBU by not supporting him? Advice please!

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BattleaxeGalactica · 30/01/2017 09:47

Oh. x-post Grin

LoveMyLittleSuperhero · 30/01/2017 09:48

I have two tattoos, going for my third today ironically or me personally no holiday or bike could compare to my tattoos. They are permanent marks in tribute to family members I've loved and lost. I also found my tattoos have boosted my confidence massively!
If it is a big tattoo I can understand why it costs so much, do believe me when I agree with pp and say you get what you pay for, someone doing it cheap will not give you the same quality, and quality is important because they are permanent.
If you cant afford it then yes, he's being unreasonable and he should save up, but knowing that big ones have to be done in several sittings as a pp said (therefore spreading the cost) are the individual sittings too much? Could he save for each one?
If the concern is you feel he should spend on something else then you are being incredibly unreasonable, a holiday lasts days/weeks a pushbike a few years, but his tattoo will forever be there, something he can enjoy even in his old age.

BattleaxeGalactica · 30/01/2017 09:50

And agree with PurpleDaisies.

Are you going to end up spending your savings on windows and kitchens while he gets the toys he fancies?

Mindtrope · 30/01/2017 09:50

He sounds delightful.

I have no interest in men who like tattoos.

Original poster
Hyggemama · 30/01/2017 09:51

Haha that's true I suppose just not what I see as important. I go for coffee with my friends and yoga classes and he probably sees that as unimportant. He has the money I suppose I'm just a little jealous that he can spend that much whereas I have a little devil on my shoulder telling me not spend.

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LoveMyLittleSuperhero · 30/01/2017 09:51

Oops sorry cross post! I think you are not alone in saying you didn't realise how important they are on a personal level. Lots of people who've never had one/don't want one can't see it.

RedSauce · 30/01/2017 09:51

I'm quite heavily tattooed (one full sleeve, one half, about half of my torso covered, etc.) but I haven't been tattooed in about 6 years now because I stopped when we started saving for our house, then DS1 was born so we needed the money for baby things, and on and on.

We're not even that short of money - we're pretty comfortable and put money in savings every month - but when you have a house and kids, there's always something more important you could do with that spare £1000 than get another tattoo (in my opinion!).

One day I would really love to get more tattoos. If I was single I already would have. But for now, I prioritise my family, house, kids, etc. above my own vanity.

HelenaGWells · 30/01/2017 09:53

Well is it "we can't afford it" Or is it "I just feel that money could be put towards something he will get more value out of like a bike or a holiday"

This. If you can't afford it then you are right to question. If you can but it's money that you can barely afford I would try and compromise with him. For instance could he do the tattoo in stages? Is it something he could do in say 3 or 4 parts over a longer time so it's not all the money all at once? £1000 all at once is a huge amount of money to spend on one person in a family imo.

However if you are happy for him to spend the money then you can't say that he should spend it on a bike because it's "more value" than a tattoo. A tattoo is for life so it is a meaningful lifelong investment for people who are into them. It does not compare to a bike.

SpongebobRoundPants · 30/01/2017 09:53

What's the rush? He's going to have it forever, I'm sure he can wait a few years.

IHeartKingThistle · 30/01/2017 09:59

Is it just me who wants to know what the tattoo is???

Sorry OP! I think it's a huge amount of money too. Would he be happy for you to spend that much on yourself?

Nanny0gg · 30/01/2017 10:00

I think you need to agree how much you both put into living expenses and savings and after that the money is free to spend as you wish.

So if he then wants more tattoos and you want to save even more then it's fair. But if you're doing the majority of the saving then it isn't.

Bloopbleep · 30/01/2017 10:03

Unless he's getting Van Gogh himself to tattoo there's no way that £1000 will be in one sitting. A decent artist will only tattoo a few (4/5) hours at a time. The money is likely a cost spread over time. Don't pay upfront unless he's100% sure the artist will still be with the studio over the months it would take to do a huge tattoo. I think yabu-it's his money and his body.

Original poster
Hyggemama · 30/01/2017 10:08

I suppose I do tend to spend my savings on more practical things like windows tumble dryer etc, but then again the house is in my name... but then again he lives here rent free... But he does work and pay for all the food whilst I get to spend 24/7 with our DD.

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PurpleDaisies · 30/01/2017 10:10

What are you planning to do after you get married? Do you own your house outright?

Original poster
Hyggemama · 30/01/2017 10:12

Yes apparently it will be spread over a few sittings. He is a very impulsive person so I suppose I will just have to have a chat with him and see if I can convince him to wait and make sure he will always be happy with the design as I don't want him to regret it. He has two tattoo's already that he got years ago and now says he regrets.

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shovetheholly · 30/01/2017 10:12

"I suppose I do tend to spend my savings on more practical things like windows tumble dryer etc, but then again the house is in my name"

It sounds as though this goes WAY deeper than a tattoo. You have a financial setup where he is basically living like a teenager, rent-free, in your house - and you are paying for everything grown up and sensible. In return, all of the sensible stuff is in your name, which leaves him in a precarious position right now.

You need to have a conversation about money with your DH for the future. In particular, about your housing situation and about your financial priorities as a couple. When you get married, you may find yourself in a very different position with regard to assets legally, so it's really important to make sure you are on the same page and have similar attitudes to things like risk (or things in place to mitigate differences).

Original poster
Hyggemama · 30/01/2017 10:14

I agree redsauce: when you have a house and kids, there's always something more important you could do with that spare £1000 than get another tattoo (in my opinion!).
But I suppose like others have said it's his money and I can't control how he spends it. I suppose we will have to have a serious chat about finances tonight and what our plans are re wedding, house etc so together we can make sure I won't be spending mine on all the boring bits!

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DJKKSlider · 30/01/2017 10:15

OP.
Everything else aside.

Don't fall in to the trap of you always saving yours, him spending his and then him spending yours. Grin

Eg: Holidays. If you save for a holiday and he doesn't, do t get paying for his out of yours.

I hope that makes sense.

PurpleDaisies · 30/01/2017 10:16

He is a very impulsive person so I suppose I will just have to have a chat with him and see if I can convince him to wait and make sure he will always be happy with the design as I don't want him to regret it

Don't do that. You'd just be treating him like a child-he can choose to have a tattoo if he wants. What really does need addressing is the difference in the way you're both spending money.

Original poster
Hyggemama · 30/01/2017 10:18

Yes shovetheholly he actually said to me last night he feels vulnerable having no part in the assets. I had never thought of it that way. I think that's why he started saving so we could get our first house together. It does seem to be a bigger issue than simply a tattoo Confused

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Original poster
Hyggemama · 30/01/2017 10:20

Okay purpledaisies I do struggle not to treat him like a child Confused

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PurpleDaisies · 30/01/2017 10:22

Sorry-I just think it will cloud the important issue of the money in your relationship. Has he always lived with you rent free? Do you have a mortgage?

Original poster
Hyggemama · 30/01/2017 10:42

I received a house via inheritance so no mortgage and not through my own hard work at all. I recognise how lucky I am. Before that I was at uni so living separately. We were in the process of finding a house to buy together with mortgage when I received the inheritance as sadly all my grandparents passed away in a short space of time. We will have a grown up chat about money later.

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PovertyPain · 30/01/2017 12:32

OP, I could be wrong, but I think you can get something drawn up to state that the house remains your sole property in case of divorce. I know it seems terrible thinking like that before you're even married, but no divorced person ever goes into a marriage expecting to spilt up later. I would be worried that your different approaches to money might cause problems later in the relationship.

Also, what's the rush with having another child, when you plan on moving and getting married? Wouldn't it be better to sort these things out first. Do you not like where you're living? If you buy a house together and split, he could end up with a huge percentage of your inheritance. You have an awful lot to sort out first, yet you 'appear' to be rushing into having another child without sorting out the practical stuff first.

Original poster
Hyggemama · 31/01/2017 07:50

Thanks all sorted Smile. We had a chat last night and neither of us actually want to move house. He's still saving as the tattoo would be paid in small installments and take ages to complete - I thought it would need paying all at once. Don't worry a wedding is a long way off and we will sort finances out then.

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