Is it ever OK to text a parent complaining about their child?

[ReturnOfTheSausages]

7 year old DTs went to a party this morning . I dropped them off and none of the parents stayed. Picked them up later and came home.

I've been out this evening and I've come home to find a text on my phone from another parent complaining about DT1

I'm friendly with this mother and our boys used to get on well generally with the odd normal falling out .

DT1 has been spending more time lately with another group of boys he likes to play with.

According to this parent , DT1 was nasty to her son at the party and this is the "final straw " - she is making a complaint to school about my son tomorrow .

My DS also , according to the mother , took her sons cake off his plate and ate it .

I've spoken to DT1 and he said that this boys cake had gone "missing" whilst they were all playing with balloons but he definitely didn't take it - the boy had asked DT1 where it was and DT1 said he didn't know. The boy then cried .

I've asked DT1 what has been happening at school and he says he plays with other boys and often this boy wants to play with DT1 alone and gets upset when DT1 doesn't want to.

For context , we used to have regular play dates with this boy but I stopped encouraging the friendship as whenever he came over he was openly rude and nasty to my DT2. He would also go in constant strops if things didn't go his way and you could never tell if what he was saying was fact or tall tales. He was pretty full on.

He also once alleged my DT1 had punched him in the face at school - horrified , I asked the teacher if this was true and the teacher had said no

DT1 never was invited over to this boys house to play .

That said , I know there is always two sides to every story and I am in no way under the impression that DT1 has been constantly patient and kind with the situation !

I'm friendly with this parent but I'm quite annoyed that she's chosen to message me rather than approach school first !

What do I reply with ?

Texting seems inappropriate, a call would have been better. If there have been ongoing issues, talking to you about it before it got to the "final straw" moment for her would have been much better. At this stage she's stewing in annoyance and concern for her child. I doubt there's anything you could do that she would find acceptable and that would be fair to your child. A third party (like the teacher) who sees a more rounded view of what goes on will likely be the most helpful way forward.

I'd probably try to take this more as a heads up that she's going to be talking to the school. So I'd either thank her for the courtesy of the heads up, or ignore it and wait on the school.

I would either ignore the text completely and speak with the kids teacher tomorrow or reply simply with your home telephone number and ask her to call you to discuss. Getting into a text battle over a bit of bloody cake is ridiculous. If there are issues between the pair, school will be aware and will help to get them sorted (hopefully!). Speak to DT1 and tell him it may be best to stay clear of this boy, but that he is absolutely not to be unkind, call names or start any arguements. If he feels there is an issue he must walk away and approach a teacher immediately. Good luck!

OP
It does sadden me that if this parent does gossip , then Dt1 will be painted in a bad picture

I wouldn't worry as other parents will base their opinion of your DT1 in their own children's opinion of him.

I think it is pretty poor to complain in a text. She should have had the guts to speak to,you in person if she had a complaint.

I don't think the school will be bothered about what happened at a kids birthday party, especially if there is no evidence of similar behaviour in school.

I would probably ignore he text as well.

Some mums their lives revolve around school,their dc and they gossip incessantly
They be known for it,as they maximise every event,every spat is escalated
Hard as it is,be circumspect if asked directly simply say no that's not how it was

Never ever text, unless seriously bland. Speak to them, if you need to say anything. Having had three kids through primary school, and experienced some high school brou ha ha, my advice is to think long and hard before responding to anything, ever. Teenage tiffs can be quickly resolved, but not if there is a recorded heavy parental input demanding an apology, or dissing child B. If there's oral gossip about behaviour, try and participate, but with an eye-rolling 'Kids, eh?' rather than stout denials and accusations, as these will fuel suspicion.

For the most part parents will not believe that their ewe lamb could have been anything other than angelic, even f they have a worldwide reputation for being a feral cow. Don't go there: treat it lightly, sympathetically, and in the vein of 'I know, they can all be so awful, but kids, hey.'

I think it is pretty poor to complain in a text. She should have had the guts to speak to,you in person if she had a complaint.

I don't think the school will be bothered about what happened at a kids birthday party, especially if there is no evidence of similar behaviour in school.

I would probably ignore he text as well.

^^ This

Id ignore the text. I'd let her go to the school. Teachers are not daft - they know what children are like and who does and says what. They may not interfere most of the time as it is good for children to develop resilience and learn to sort stuff for themselves.

But no teacher I've ever met will blame an innocent child because a parents complained. She'll likely say she'll keep an eye on the situation.

A parent once complained about my Ds - to a teacher that didn't appear to care much for Ds. I was worried.
But by keeping an eye out she saw what the other child was doing/saying to my Ds and the other mother was told quite bluntly if her Ds didn't want mine saying/doing stuff then perhaps it would be better for him to stop approaching him and winding him up!

You've already spoken to the teacher, correct? I'd call her ds out on this one.

Oh dear. I'm sorry to hear you feel this way. I have already spoken to the teacher regarding an alleged incident of dt1 punching your son. I was assured this never happened. I don't really know what's going on between the boys as dt1 just wants to get along with everyone. I agree, if you have concerns, it is best to raise them with the teacher. Dt1 is rather non plussed about the missing cake.

Hmmm. I'd be tempted to text "Thanks but that isn't what I've heard. You do realise there are two sides to every story, every time? Final straws can work both ways."

Don't text it'll inflame an already heated situation

"oh dear, never mind."

Don't blank her. Don't send a text you may later regret. Don't tell the boys to stay away from one another as this leads to more problems in the future.
If your DT has done something wrong apologise. If he hasn't just say you think her ds has misinterpreted things. If you deal with this well now it will save you a huge amount of heartache in the future.

Totally agree with you -- should go through school. Never works out talking to parents, unless you really are super tight.

I would text back: "Spoke to DT1 and he has a different version of what's been going on. So yes, I agree that it's time to talk to the teachers/school, as we both have just one side of the story."

She seems to be taking the waning of their friendship badly. I think ignoring her might piss her off even more 🙂