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Original poster

Is it ever OK to text a parent complaining about their child?

65 replies

ReturnOfTheSausages · 29/01/2017 19:57

7 year old DTs went to a party this morning . I dropped them off and none of the parents stayed. Picked them up later and came home.

I've been out this evening and I've come home to find a text on my phone from another parent complaining about DT1 Shock

I'm friendly with this mother and our boys used to get on well generally with the odd normal falling out .

DT1 has been spending more time lately with another group of boys he likes to play with.

According to this parent , DT1 was nasty to her son at the party and this is the "final straw " - she is making a complaint to school about my son tomorrow .

My DS also , according to the mother , took her sons cake off his plate and ate it .

I've spoken to DT1 and he said that this boys cake had gone "missing" whilst they were all playing with balloons but he definitely didn't take it - the boy had asked DT1 where it was and DT1 said he didn't know. The boy then cried .

I've asked DT1 what has been happening at school and he says he plays with other boys and often this boy wants to play with DT1 alone and gets upset when DT1 doesn't want to.

For context , we used to have regular play dates with this boy but I stopped encouraging the friendship as whenever he came over he was openly rude and nasty to my DT2. He would also go in constant strops if things didn't go his way and you could never tell if what he was saying was fact or tall tales. He was pretty full on.

He also once alleged my DT1 had punched him in the face at school - horrified , I asked the teacher if this was true and the teacher had said no Hmm

DT1 never was invited over to this boys house to play .

That said , I know there is always two sides to every story and I am in no way under the impression that DT1 has been constantly patient and kind with the situation !

I'm friendly with this parent but I'm quite annoyed that she's chosen to message me rather than approach school first !

What do I reply with ? Confused

OP posts:
gazingatthestars · 29/01/2017 20:21

I would leave school out of it.
I'd add - play with others for a while as they don't seem to be getting along and we are both hearing different stories about what's going on between them'

AddToBasket · 29/01/2017 20:22

What exactly does she want you to do? Beg her not to contact the school?

I think she's is being quite cowardly. I agree with pp about saying Go Ahead.

RebootYourEngine · 29/01/2017 20:24

My friend is going through something similar in the way that her dd has a girl in her class who wants to play with friends dd and only her. Friends dd has a few friends in school and doesnt want to always play with this child. The child throws huge strops and tells lies to her parents about friends dd.

I would say from that text that the mother sent its no surprise he behaves the way he does. Sounds like mum treats him like a special snowflake.

Lilaclily · 29/01/2017 20:26

I'd ignore the text, go into school tomorrow and just ask if there's any problems between ds 1 and this boy

Original poster
ReturnOfTheSausages · 29/01/2017 20:26

I'm going to write I'm not really

"Oh I'm not sure if DT1 did take XXX cake - but if he did - I hope he enjoyed it all the more as pay back for your son lying about him being punched in the face Smile . Sausages . "

petty

OP posts:
WelliesAndPyjamas · 29/01/2017 20:26

If there are alleged problems in school, ask for some time to speak with the teacher and let the other parent know that you are going to do so (as it shows you are taking it seriously). The party problems are not, at first sight, an issue for the school BUT could be a continuation of what is happening there. So start with the school and take it from there. Be careful not to be 'the parent who believes their child can never do any wrong', you will NOT be respected for that, in fact you may be laughed at behind your back.

TheSmurfsAreHere · 29/01/2017 20:26

I would go and see the teacher actually and tell her what the other mum said. Ask the teacher if there is any issue you need to made aware about between the two boys.
Make the teacher aware that the mum will probably contact her too (if she hasn't already).
And that there seem to be some issues between the two boys, could she keep an eye on them?

Do not engage with the mum. If you do respond, a simple 'thanks for letting me' would be plenty IMO.

Peanutbutterrules · 29/01/2017 20:27

I'd be tempted to send something like 'Agree we need the school involved. As I'm sure you're aware there are two sides to every story and I think the school will be in a good position to handle things. Also agree we should encourage the boys to play with others but be polite to each other.

wonderingsoul · 29/01/2017 20:28

I had a parent threaten to "have me" if my son didnt stop picking on her reception age child at lunch.

I spike to ds1 (11) who had no idea what she was on about

Hes teacher who addnited it didnt sound like ds but would arrange a neeting and get to the bottom of it.

Turns out her son pointed out the wrong child to hes mum. She also got a talking to from the head for
1 not talking to the school first

And 2 for threating me at school.

Op could be worse lol. Id ignore it talk to your son and tell him to stay away

mycatwantstokillme1 · 29/01/2017 20:30

One of my big hates is when people text instead of having the guts to have a conversation. I had a friend that used to do this (we're not friends anymore). If I'd pissed her off in some way she''d send passive aggressive texts, and if I called her to talk about it she'd refuse to pick up and then send another fucking text. I learnt the hard way, the best thing to do is ignore and not get involved in a text thing.

Blank her. If she sees you at the school & asks why you haven't replied say you were waiting to speak to her about it & that you don't do text conversations because they can be misinterpreted. She's not going to do herself any favours though if she goes into the school complaining about something that happened at a party at a weekend.

stella23 · 29/01/2017 20:31

Don't apologise if he hasn't done anything wrong.

Text her and say there are two sides to every story, I've been thinking about going into school to discuss your child's behaviour and relationships so I think it will probably be a good thing in the end to try to sort it out

Starlight2345 · 29/01/2017 20:35

I am one of those people who think the avoidance of the word sorry on MN is over the top..However as this woman is looking to blame your DT I would exclude it from your text.

I cannot for the life of me work out how a cake got taken with no adult noticing. Cake food ate at table , kids go off and play. Rubbish goes in the bin. This all seems very over the top for a piece of cake.

I am not sure I would even reply. I know I told my DS not to play with someone at school once..Seemed to be causing more problems than any fun..The head of infants was clear to my ds he could play with whoever he wanted.

I would be quite tempted not to reply anything you do say at this stage will be twisted.Your Child is in the wrong so if you say your DS didn't take it reply .Your DS is a liar. I would simply pop into school and check if any issues. I would also tell your DS if he has done nothing wrong you will support him all the way.

Shockers · 29/01/2017 20:37

As neither of us are in the classroom or playground, could we leave it to school to sort this out. I'm sure they'll notice if DT1's behaviour towards X is not kind, and they'll deal with it appropriately. Us becoming involved when we aren't actually there will only encourage them both to embellish the truth.

Hope X got some cake in the end... DT1 looked a bit nonplussed when I asked him about it!

Scholes34 · 29/01/2017 20:38

What's DT2's take on all this?

GimmeeMoore · 29/01/2017 20:38

I wouldn't text,I'd call.but I'd not engage in any more play dates,take this as end of
I wouldn't expect school to act on uncorroborated event from 1 parent
Whilst I get the other mum is upset,it's not school business.its one of those things

Original poster
ReturnOfTheSausages · 29/01/2017 20:39

Yes I agree about not apologising as I genuinely don't think my DT1 has done anything majorly wrong .

I can see him not being the most patient and I do think he's probably said things that may have been unkind - for which I have talked to him about , but the parent seems to be inferring DT1 is a bully.

He is by far no worse than her child - I've seen how domineering he is when playing .

OP posts:
SheFeedsYouTeaAndOranges · 29/01/2017 20:39

Just leave her to it. If there was a serious problem at school, you'd already know about it.

Either way, the school won't act on something that happened at a birthday party outside school. We kind of expect people to, you know, 'parent' at these times Wink

Slimmingsnake · 29/01/2017 20:40

Any big problems and the school would of contacted you,or punished yr son and he would of complained to you..so I think her son is just upset yr son is of playing with other kids...

GimmeeMoore · 29/01/2017 20:41

This has limited scope for satisfactory resolution. No more play dates with her son
Best avoided,go for cordial but cool as interaction
Don't discuss with other parents as it look gossipy

Original poster
ReturnOfTheSausages · 29/01/2017 20:41

DT2 didn't see a thing - he was hungry and the last person at the table Grin

OP posts:
BakeOffBiscuits · 29/01/2017 20:42

Your text is ok but I'd add,

"I'm glad you're going to talk to the school as Ds has a completely different take on the incidents you've listed. I do think it's time the teachers got to the bottom of what is going on".

Original poster
ReturnOfTheSausages · 29/01/2017 20:43

I have no intention of discussing it with anyone else but I worry this parent will.

My DT1 was accused in public of the punching and I was mortified at the time . Obviously it wasn't true .

It does sadden me that if this parent does gossip , then Dt1 will be painted in a bad picture .

OP posts:
DartmoorDoughnut · 29/01/2017 20:44

Just ignore the drama lama

JackLottiesMum · 29/01/2017 20:45

I think you should do nothing - if you don't reply she will be wondering if you have read the text and will never know. She's prob messaged you with the threat because she wants to upset you. If I read your text right she plans on calling the school to complain that your son took birthday cake from her son at a birthday party? If she really does do that all that will happen is the school will think she is a nutter.

ToastOfLondon · 29/01/2017 20:46

OP,

I'm sorry to hear XXX was upset. I've spoken to DT1 and he says he didn't take his cake. Maybe we should encourage them to play with other people for a while. Hope XXX feels better soon . Sausages

I think your suggested text is good.