MIL, DC & NC SIL

[MissDallas]

Sorry if that's too many acronyms! Basically we have been NC with SIL for some years now. I have had many threads on here about her and the consensus has always been that we are doing the right thing going NC.

She is married and has one D.C. who we have never met. I feel awful about this, but DH says we need to protect our own family unit and I agree with him.

She is the PIL's unashamed favorite and needless to say they are not supportive of our decision. We haven't seen much of PIL as we live in different states. However whenever we do visit, every single time DH and I leave the room, the PIL are talking to the D.C. about SIL, showing them pictures of her and DH when they were young, saying things like "look how much she (SIL) loved him (DH)!". It's like brainwashing. DH has always said he doesn't mind as that's the only way they will hear about SIL and her D.C.

So here's the problem... we are moving to the same state as PIL. We will be 40 mins away and will probably see them all the time. How do we prevent them from turning every visit into a campaign to convince our D.C. how wonderful SIL is?

I don't want any trouble but equally I don't want the kids thinking it is my fault we are NC. Would we BU to ban PIL from talking to our DC about SIL? How do we handle this?

Thanks.

Why are you moving so close to PIL? Sounds like they are unfair to DH in their unashamed favouritism to SIL?

We are moving there for work.

Yes, it is unfair, but they don't see it.

How old are DC? I would tell PIL that it's confusing for DC to hear a lot about SIL because they don't have a relationship with her. For their sake, please can you avoid talking about her.

I want DH to say something to PIL, but I know it will cause a lot of trouble.

Basically, SIL feels that that DH abandoned her by marrying me and was doing ever more devious things to break us up. If shr just said "sorry I've been a dick, let's put it behind us", we totally would. However she thinks her behavior is acceptable so ther is no chance of that.

Good advice Chloe, I think you are right.

Our kids are school age. DS said something recently about not seeing SIL "because mom doesn't like her".

I am angry that it seems I am being blamed for this.

That sounds unhealthy I really wouldn't be visiting often if I were you

What does everyone think of us telling PIL not to talk about her? Would that be OK, do you think?

Thanks. And how do we handle the inevitable fallout?

It's an ultimatum surely. Either she stops talking about sil (i.e. brainwashing them) or else she doesn't get to see your children. This preferably needs to come from your dh. Who cares if she blames you. You cannot change her opinion. You can only ensure your children don't assume that opinion.

A united front. Total refusal to discuss the situation. You have decided as a couple and if she doesn't wish to comply, she's choosing not to see her gcs. She's in charge of how much contact she has with them.

How old are the children? My parents are NC with my uncle. I can remember being at my GPs as a child and seeing pictures of my cousins and uncle (they weren't rammed down my throat though). I was probably about 5 when my Dad told me that he didn't see his brother because his brother wasn't a nice man, but my Nana and Grandad still loved his brother very much and that was ok. And that it would be ok if I wanted to see them when I was older. I've been fairly not bothered by the whole situation ever since!

Definitely talk to your PIL and ask them to stop as it's confusing the DC. But I think it's also worth having a quick chat with the DC if it's appropriate based on their ages.

I do worry about them being more surreptitious. They are very secretive and were always trying to get DH to see SIL behind my back. I always said if she apologied all would be well. Their view was "Why should she?"

Are you the OP whose SIL thought your DH had abandoned her child for your DC?

Do you absolutely have to move to this state? I think you're in for a tough time. It's inevitable that PIL will try and get you to make up with SIL.

It's going to be even harder if you and DH aren't presenting a United front I.e he doesn't want to say anything and you do, so he may not back you up. I think you need to get DH on side.

Thanks Rae for sharing that, it's helpful.

No, that's not me Chloe, we've never met her child.

Ah, sorry, you said that in your OP!

You can ask PIL to stop talking about her but it doesn't mean they will. The there's a high possibility you'll ask them not to and they carry on. This could cause more problems.
I think you need to explain to the kids at their level why you don't see her. They need perspective on this and they need to hear your reasons. At the moment all they're hearing is what PiL are saying.
Explain that SIL was nasty to you and H. That when people in their class are mean to you, you're not friends with them. Say that's what happened with SIL but nan finds this hard to see. She wants us to be friends. But it's not good to be friends with someone who is mean to you. I wouldn't want you to play with someone who was nasty to you. It's the same for adults too.

You can ask PIL to stop talking about her but it doesn't mean they will. The there's a high possibility you'll ask them not to and they carry on.

You've obviously met my PIL .

It's hard to explain to the children why we don't see her. Most of the things she did were so nuanced and passive-aggressive.