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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL, DC & NC SIL

53 replies

MissDallas · 29/01/2017 06:42

Sorry if that's too many acronyms! Basically we have been NC with SIL for some years now. I have had many threads on here about her and the consensus has always been that we are doing the right thing going NC.

She is married and has one D.C. who we have never met. I feel awful about this, but DH says we need to protect our own family unit and I agree with him.

She is the PIL's unashamed favorite and needless to say they are not supportive of our decision. We haven't seen much of PIL as we live in different states. However whenever we do visit, every single time DH and I leave the room, the PIL are talking to the D.C. about SIL, showing them pictures of her and DH when they were young, saying things like "look how much she (SIL) loved him (DH)!". It's like brainwashing. DH has always said he doesn't mind as that's the only way they will hear about SIL and her D.C.

So here's the problem... we are moving to the same state as PIL. We will be 40 mins away and will probably see them all the time. How do we prevent them from turning every visit into a campaign to convince our D.C. how wonderful SIL is?

I don't want any trouble but equally I don't want the kids thinking it is my fault we are NC. Would we BU to ban PIL from talking to our DC about SIL? How do we handle this?

Thanks.

OP posts:
olympicsrock · 29/01/2017 07:53

Yes explain to the children. I am NC with my father although my brother and his children see him. We have said to DS since he was 3 that Mummy's dad was not kind so we are not friends with him. He was very sweet and said poor mummy - you can share my daddy instead!

VeritysWatchTower · 29/01/2017 08:11

My friend died and I have seen her toxic in-laws re-write history. I know the hateful things they said to her but no-one can correct them when they spout lies. She was divorced so doesn't even have a Dh to correct them.

We have had a rocky relationship with my FIL but over the years we have come to be very lovely to each other. My children have been told what happened though because I wanted them to understand his past behaviour and our stance on it (mainly overriding me as a parent.)

I didn't want anyone lying to my children.

I would talk to your children and explain that SIL has done nasty things to you but her parents still love her and she hasn't done it to them. Simple but truthful. And maybe give them something to say back if the subject is raised behind your back.

vdbfamily · 29/01/2017 08:15

I personally think it is rather sad that your child is missing out on getting to know their cousin. If your gripe with SIL was about her trying to break up your relationship, surely now you are both wise to that and hopefully in a secure relationship, that is unlikely to be a problem any more. You will set your children a far better example by being forgiving and trying to reconcile family relationships. If SIL steps out of line, just call her on it. It is extremely hard for parents when they love both their kids and they are NC. Where possible/feasible we should all try and mend these broken relationships to set a good example to our children

TwoFs · 29/01/2017 08:20

I think the best thing would be to talk to your DC about it. I don't think you need to explain in detail what she did, just that she wasn't nice to you and DH and it made you both sad to be around her. If you hear your kids say that they don't see SIL because you don't like her, correct them and say actually that's not true, you liked her but she was mean and won't apologise. Be as honest as you can with them.

Original poster
MissDallas · 29/01/2017 08:22

That's so sad, Verity.

OP posts:
vdbfamily · 29/01/2017 08:23

I should add that my DH has very difficult parents. They had decided he was not to marry me before they had met me as I was from not a good enough background and our family had nothing to offer theirs!! They refused to attend wedding and had no contact with him for 11 years. When he rang to tell them they had a grand daughter, they put the phone down on him. We persevered and persevered and told our 3 kids as they grew up that they had another grandma and grandpa who we loved but that they were cross with daddy and not wanting to see us. Eventually my 10 year old DD wrote to her grandma introducing herself and saying she wanted to meet her and we were invited there. For the last 4 years we have had a really lovely relationship with them and have been able to support them through various crises due to their old age and failing health. Too many families give up on each other and then teach that to their children that if there is a problem you just give up. Try and be the 'bigger' people in this and see if reconcilliation is possible.

Original poster
MissDallas · 29/01/2017 08:25

I personally think it is rather sad that your child is missing out on getting to know their cousin.

I absolutely agree. In fact I feel more sorry for the cousin as an only child. My two have each other.

OP posts:
pictish · 29/01/2017 08:46

Sorry...whose idea was the NC? Yours or dh?
You say it was dh's idea but then go on to say that pil keep trying to get your dh to see his sister 'behind your back' - at which he would just say, "No mum and dad, it's ME who doesn't want any contact with her." surely?

You have always said that if your dh's sister apologised all will be well.

So again, who has decided on this rift...you or dh?

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/01/2017 08:48

I agree with speaking to the children. My dd has been involved in the emotional abuse in my family. We have reduced contact with my family. And they are finally backing away from the nastiness, which happened over many many years. TBH I never got an apology from them for awful things done and said. You are unlikely to get it from them as well you know. So I never pursued an apology. In the end, I decided to leave the past behind us and I do see them all. We were no contact with my brother/sil for around 18 months after "the event" and my mother for a few months for something else, which she said about my dd (when aged 7), which was disgusting. Mother always stuck up for brother despite his and his wifes appalling behaviour. Wouldn't expect anything more as the family scapegoat.

Headofthehive55 · 29/01/2017 08:53

You children and their cousin may be able to have a separate independent relationship. Not fair to spoil a chance of a relationship because she was horrid with you.

GP don't like to see parts of their family not close. My niece chose to live abroad and we don't see her very often. We chose not to make her part of our younger childrens lives, because they didn't know her and aren't really going to get to know her. GP often take our children aside and try and talk to our children about her which is irritating. However, our children aren't interested as they never see her, so apart from knowing she exists it doesn't really matter.

RandomMess · 29/01/2017 09:03

I think DH should pull up his parents in front of the DC about the lie they told "Mum why did you tell the DC the reason we don't see x is because MissDallas doesn't like? That's a lie, all I want is x to apologise for her behaviour so please get your facts correct and stop spreading gossip/untruths."

I would ensure you've told the DC first but I think you need it in the open that you know what has been happening and the op is not going to be blamed for it. If it carries on then the next step is going NC which would be sad for all involved.

liquidrevolution · 29/01/2017 09:05

I think you should not let the inlaws see the dc anymore than they do now. I manage to do this despite living only 15 mins from my batshit in laws.

Chloe84 · 29/01/2017 09:43

GP don't like to see parts of their family not close.

GPs in this case should have been more supportive of their son and DIL when SIL tried to come between their son and DIL, instead of trying to arrange secret visits.

KC225 · 29/01/2017 10:21

These situations are very difficult and I speak from experience. No one really wants to be NC with relatives but there are times when you have to make that decision. For those who think it's sad, of course it is but some families are complicated and require boundaries.

I think talk to the children and explain your side of the story. Then you and your DH need to talk to your PIL and say you know what he is doing when you leave the room and it has to stop. Say you need to be able to trust them or else you will have to stop coming to their home. Say they are making the children feel uncomfortable. Another option if it continues is only meet then in public places ie restaurant, Park, local beauty spot this would limit the time and they wouldn't be alone with the children.

Good luck with the move OP

Original poster
MissDallas · 29/01/2017 10:39

It was years before DH realised what was going on. In all that time he defended her. Then something happened. I don't know what is was, but DH made the decision himself that we would no longer see her. A few times over the years I have suggested we approach her and sort it out, but DH is not interested in a reconciliation.

I also think the PIL know in their hearts what was happening. In a rare moment of honesty, MIL said "I should have intervened years ago..."

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 29/01/2017 10:43

I can't see why you can't take the suggestions of a very simple explanation to your DC.
You can't trust your ILs, so that's the only way.

And if it carries on to your DC's detriment, you and your DH have a full and frank discussion with his parents and tell them visits will stop if they can't respect your decision.

Nanny0gg · 29/01/2017 10:45

GP don't like to see parts of their family not close. My niece chose to live abroad and we don't see her very often. We chose not to make her part of our younger childrens lives, because they didn't know her and aren't really going to get to know her. GP often take our children aside and try and talk to our children about her which is irritating. However, our children aren't interested as they never see her, so apart from knowing she exists it doesn't really matter.

Why is it irritating? Choosing to live abroad isn't a crime. Why can't they know they have a cousin who lives a long way away? Surely hearing about her and looking at photos would be interesting to them?

ToastyFingers · 29/01/2017 11:09

How old are the DC?
If by school age, you mean 8/9/10 then I'd say something along the lines of
"SIL isn't kind to mummy, and doesn't want daddy and mummy to be together, mummy and daddy love each other very much and want our family to stay as it is, so SIL's behaviour is upsetting"

gotthemoononastick · 29/01/2017 11:33

Yes tell me too why is it irritating? The world is small now and a far flung relative could prove to be very handy some gap year !

Sorry OP your thread ...only you know the ramifications,but I would trust my instincts and just tell children the truth so that they will be able to 'see' in case history is being re written and sanitised.

RortyCrankle · 29/01/2017 11:40

I agree about giving your DCs a simplified explanation and then I think your DH has to tell his parents that if they persist in doing this, they will be seeing a lot less of their GCs, which I'm sure is something they don't want.

paxillin · 29/01/2017 11:51

Just tell the children your SIL is not a lovely person and she wanted to stop you and DH being together. Of course PILs still love her, parents do love their children no matter what.

JanuaryMoods · 29/01/2017 11:59

I think you just need to tell your DC that SiL was very unkind to their mummy. That's enough, really.

If Pils bang on, just repeat she was very unkind.

Headofthehive55 · 29/01/2017 12:46

It's irritating because the GP push it as us at every opportunity. We have little in common, didn't see her much before she emigrated and won't be visiting. They want us to be closer than what we are, so try and facilitate this. We are constantly reminded that we should Skype, message etc. i guess that's what I was trying to say, is that GP see family that they are equally related to but different parts might not be as close as they would wish.
My children find it irritating as they are always going on about this distant relative rather than talking to them about their lives.

abbsisspartacus · 29/01/2017 13:19

I'm still not speaking to my sister she rewrote history and sent me a letter a few years back I read it and told her if she was prepared to apologise I would absolutely forgive her actions and allow a relationship between us all she freaked out said I was in the wrong and like hell was she apologising

I refused to share my husband (at the time) that's my fault apparently Hmm

Chloe84 · 29/01/2017 14:40

abbsiss you have to tell us more. Your sister wanted to share your husband? In a platonic way?

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