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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel that my DS is being excluded?

74 replies

Discotastic · 27/01/2017 20:19

So...my in laws live in Spain and once a year offer to pay for my DS, DSS and DSD flights to visit them (grown ups pay for themselves). Recently my BIL and SIL also moved to Spain with their son. They live coasts apart so are not close to each other.
They have decided that they are going to visit the inlaws in the summer and would like some company for their son so want my DSCs to come out to them utilising the flights paid for by grannie and grandad. At no point have they mentioned my DS (who is only 4). I'm slightly peeved about this as my son won't get his "holiday" with his brother and sister and that his grandparents have agreed to pay for the flights in this scenario; when they are usually of the opinion that no grandchild gets treated differently. DH is unsure what to do as the annual trip is the most time he gets to spend with his other two all year as we only have them at weekends bank hols etc.
Feels like we've put in a rubbish position whatever the outcome.

OP posts:
Grace111 · 27/01/2017 22:05

I'm confused! Surely you just no? I don't understand what is so hard.

Grace111 · 27/01/2017 22:05

You just say no*

Chloe84 · 27/01/2017 22:21

Just say no, saying you prefer to visit as a family. You, DH, DS and DSC could go stay in the apartment when SIL & co aren't there.

Are MIL and FIL paying for flights for all of SIL's family or just the kids?

rollonthesummer · 27/01/2017 22:22

You are being overly cross about the wrong thing. Your son is only 4, I would imagine they just thought he was too little to be away from you.

Just say no about the holiday and move on.

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/01/2017 22:24

"We said we could go at the same time but they weren't keen when we suggested it. They only want the two big kids."
Well they can "wan't" all they like, it doesn't mean they "get". Incredibly selfish of your BIL/SIL, I would point out to them that you would prefer a family holiday, perhaps they should invite one of their son's friends to be company for him?

And I'd be wary of BIL/SIL evermore. Gits.

flappynewyear · 27/01/2017 23:36

Flappy do you not think they should at least mention the existence of DHS third child? Or is he not worthy of a mention because we're not particularly close?

In this context, no. I would assume that it wouldn't enter into their heads to invite him due to his age. I don't think this is denying his existence. If however they don't acknowledge him at xmas/birthdays and they do the others, then this would be denying his existence. My dsis invites my eldest ds along to things that would not be suitable for my youngest ds. I wouldn't expect her to mention his existence, as it is not an exclusion.

Just get your husband to say no OP, it really isn't worth fretting over.

user1481838270 · 28/01/2017 00:16

I have a four year-old DS. It would never occur to me that my DS was excluded in the situation described above. The question of my DS going away on holiday without us would never arise. He is far too young.

You say your DH and his brother are not that close. Why do you feel that there is an obligation on their part to be close to your DS? I suspect the reason your DSC and their cousins are close is because their mothers are best friends.

It's essential that your DSC get to spend time with their dad during holiday time. For that reason, it is a definite no.

EduCated · 28/01/2017 00:25

*You are being overly cross about the wrong thing. Your son is only 4, I would imagine they just thought he was too little to be away from you.

Just say no about the holiday and move on.*

I would agree with this. Them not mentioning your younger DS is almost the most reasonable part of this, unless this is symptomatic of a wider attitude from them?

Your in laws don't get to dictate where your kids spend their holiday! Say no if it's not something you want as a family.

MommaGee · 28/01/2017 02:06

Well if DSC's mom is beat friends with SIL the kids can go with her or without her in her time, surely? Not sure what your custody arrangements are during the holiday but no reason this needs to come out of your time

MidniteScribbler · 28/01/2017 03:04

I think my DS should at least be acknowledged; it would be acceptable for them to say obviously we would invite him but he is a bit young. But no mention of him at all is not great.

I think that you might be overthinking it because of the stepkids vs your son. If they were all your biological children and someone offered the older ones a trip away with their similarly aged children, then it wouldn't even be worthy of note. Looking after a 9 and 12 year old for a week when you have children the same age is not a big deal. Taking responsibility for a 4 year old who is too young to hang around with the older kids and therefore would need to be entertained is quite another. I don't think this is any sort of slight on your younger child at all. Unless they said 'we don't want your DS because we don't think he's really family' then you might have a case, but I think you're looking for offence when none would be there.

If one of their school friends asked one of them to come to a party or to go on holidays, would you say no because they didn't invite your other children as well?

Jenny70 · 28/01/2017 04:09

If this means you can't go as a family later in year/at some point, I would definitely say no - doesn't matter if it's because the cost of flights is too much or because access to DSC is limited, and you won't have another opportunity. This shouldn't be instead of a family trip.

I would assume Aunt and Uncle are primarily sorting company for their son, not considering this a family get together as such. I would bet that they are not considering the 4yr old due to his age/numbers of children they wish to wrangle. I wouldn't be offended by this, but it would bother me that they think this would replace the family trip, where everyone gets to see grandparents/have time in the sun.

Tell them to invite a friend of their son instead, and you can do the family holiday as per usual. Or they can pay for the cousins flights, then grandparent's flight is still available for family holiday, assuming time/access can be sorted.

MommaGee · 28/01/2017 13:43

I think giving the relationship between DSIL and Ex, plus DP relationship with DB you're reading tons into it that weren't there. I'm taking my niece to the theatre, I havnt explained why I'm not taking the boys. The reason is obvious. Neither am I making it up to them. Theres no need

Rivera36 · 28/01/2017 13:53

Few 9-12 year olds would wish for a 4 year old as company. A 4 year old will have an earlier bedtime, less stamina for activities, less able to take part in some etc, I think you are taking this very personally when its simply a matter of logistics

Original poster
Discotastic · 28/01/2017 14:17

Riveria We are fortunate that the older 2 have a DB from their mothers new marriage who is also 4 along with DSB and DSS. And that if all the kids when at their mom's are treated the same. So both my DS are really inclusive of my DS.

OP posts:
RonaldMcDonald · 28/01/2017 14:18

So effectively they want to spend time with your husband's kids from his first marriage, potentially because they and their son love and miss them?

You see you, your husband, your son and the step children as a package deal

You and your husband don't get on with them so I'd guess the time they've spent with your son has been hugely reduced so that plus your child's age and their location has hampered their bonding with your son

Original poster
Discotastic · 28/01/2017 14:22

User tbh my DSC aren't close to their cousin and no more or less than my DS in spite of the closeness of SIL and DSC mum. As they tend to get together when we have kids and now live in different countries! The only time DSC has contact with their contact is via me and DH.

OP posts:
Original poster
Discotastic · 28/01/2017 14:27

Ronald we are just not very close as opposed to not getting on. When the lived in the UK they would only see the kids once a year ish if we would drive down to them. So they have never been really close to either of my DSC.

OP posts:
RonaldMcDonald · 28/01/2017 14:47

So odd that they would request to spend time with children they aren't close to.
Why do you think they want to?

Original poster
Discotastic · 28/01/2017 14:50

Company for their DS so he isn't on his own.

OP posts:
Original poster
Discotastic · 28/01/2017 14:50

Company for their DS so he isn't on his own.

OP posts:
Original poster
Discotastic · 28/01/2017 15:00

We have told the DSC about the offer and have said that they want to go as a family to Spain. They don't want to miss out on family time together.

OP posts:
Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 28/01/2017 17:32

That sorts it out nicely thenSmile

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 29/01/2017 01:25

What an excellent outcome - glad they've made the choice themselves, that rather sorts out any potential backlash as well :)

Original poster
Discotastic · 29/01/2017 12:15

My DSC were actually very mature about it and didn't see it as an option without their DSB, Dad and me!

OP posts:
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