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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to feel that my DS is being excluded?

74 replies

Discotastic · 27/01/2017 20:19

So...my in laws live in Spain and once a year offer to pay for my DS, DSS and DSD flights to visit them (grown ups pay for themselves). Recently my BIL and SIL also moved to Spain with their son. They live coasts apart so are not close to each other.
They have decided that they are going to visit the inlaws in the summer and would like some company for their son so want my DSCs to come out to them utilising the flights paid for by grannie and grandad. At no point have they mentioned my DS (who is only 4). I'm slightly peeved about this as my son won't get his "holiday" with his brother and sister and that his grandparents have agreed to pay for the flights in this scenario; when they are usually of the opinion that no grandchild gets treated differently. DH is unsure what to do as the annual trip is the most time he gets to spend with his other two all year as we only have them at weekends bank hols etc.
Feels like we've put in a rubbish position whatever the outcome.

OP posts:

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 27/01/2017 21:12

Hang on, if your DH's ex is your SIL's best friend and will be going too, why would you want to go with them as well? Why can't your DH see his older DCs for a week at home instead and then you and DH take your DS out to your PILs for a holiday another time?

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 27/01/2017 21:14

I don't think you can dictate what flights your PILs choose to spend their money on anyway, can you?

ALittleMop · 27/01/2017 21:14

Oh sorry had got the idea the PILs were going to the SILs not the other way round....

Who would the children be travelling with?

It's still a no, you need a family holiday all together, if you can't go at the same time, no-one will be going.

ALittleMop · 27/01/2017 21:15

In fact, is their mum going to be invited by her best friend/SIL?
Which would explain why you not welcome to go at same time....

CotswoldStrife · 27/01/2017 21:17

OP, do you get on with your BIL and SIL? Is your DH's ex going to see them in Spain at the same time as the children have been invited, is that why they are not travelling alone?

Original poster

Discotastic · 27/01/2017 21:17

Why shouldn't my DS also spend the same time with his grandparents and aunt and uncle? Plus he holidays with his brother and sister every year also which he won't be able too.

OP posts:

CotswoldStrife · 27/01/2017 21:18

Why would it come out of your DH's time with the children if he's not with them though? Will their mum be going with them?

Original poster

Discotastic · 27/01/2017 21:20

No their mother isn't invited she has another DC and DSS so that isn't possible. She is going to visit my BIL and SIL already this year.

OP posts:

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 27/01/2017 21:22

Step families are complicated and things will never be 100% the same. You can try and keep it equal but that is a different thing all together.
Your DS would probably benefit from a holiday with just you and your DH and his extended family another time too. I really don't think you will get what you want with this one given the scenario that has unfolded through your posts so it is probably in your interests to back away gracefully. But that's your choice to make, obviously.

Original poster

Discotastic · 27/01/2017 21:22

Cotswoldstrife because if my DH agrees she sees that he will be forfeiting his time with the kids.

OP posts:

Original poster

Discotastic · 27/01/2017 21:22

Cotswoldstrife because if my DH agrees she sees that he will be forfeiting his time with the kids.

OP posts:

Hercules12 · 27/01/2017 21:23

I don't think you are unreasonable. You're a family- take all of the dc or none.

flappynewyear · 27/01/2017 21:25

I'm not condoning their reasoning but is it possible that your ds changes the dynamic of the holiday? Or your parenting style is very different to theirs? I know my dc when they were 9 and 12 would not want to holiday with a 4 year old if they had a choice. It seems your B/SIL really don't want you or your DH there either.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 27/01/2017 21:25

Well in that case your DH has to say he will only agree if it doesn't come solely out of his time (as he won't see them) and let your SIL sort it out with her best friend?

ALittleMop · 27/01/2017 21:26

Why shouldn't my DS also spend the same time with his grandparents and aunt and uncle?

Because they think he's too little to go away without you.

FWIW I think you should say no, but I'd be more worried about why you and DH not invited than why DS isn't.

rollonthesummer · 27/01/2017 21:26

I would say you are well within your rights to say no.

Say you want to have a family holiday together-who the hell would get cross about that?!

RandomMess · 27/01/2017 21:28

Just say "no, that doesn't work for us"

flappynewyear · 27/01/2017 21:30

OP would you be happy for your ds to be away without you for several weeks?

Original poster

Discotastic · 27/01/2017 21:40

AlittleMop we are not very close, my DH only talks to his Bro at Xmas or a birthday and as my SIL is best friends with my DH ex wife then we were never going to be chummy!

OP posts:

SumAndSubstance · 27/01/2017 21:42

It would be different if your DSC lived with you all the time and it was going to be an 'extra' trip with them, but if it's actually cutting down your chance to see them properly in holiday time, then I would make it a definite no.

Original poster

Discotastic · 27/01/2017 21:42

I think my DS should at least be acknowledged; it would be acceptable for them to say obviously we would invite him but he is a bit young. But no mention of him at all is not great.

OP posts:

Original poster

Discotastic · 27/01/2017 21:42

I think my DS should at least be acknowledged; it would be acceptable for them to say obviously we would invite him but he is a bit young. But no mention of him at all is not great.

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flappynewyear · 27/01/2017 21:50

we are not very close, my DH only talks to his Bro at Xmas or a birthday

Okay I think that dripfeed massively changes things. It has nothing to do with your ds, you are not close and they don't want you there.

mrsm43s · 27/01/2017 21:51

It's a bit difficult.

I do understand some of your reasoning, but I don't think it's an intentional exclusion of your DS. Your DSC have been invited on a holiday, I don't think that you can really expect that your DS always gets invited along to everything they do, especially when he's really not old enough to go away without you.

And be careful setting the precedent that all 5 of you must always and only holiday together, because that would have to work both ways.

Personally, I'd take a holiday just the three of you this year, and enjoy doing 4-yr old age appropriate stuff all week without having to compromise to keep the elder two entertained. I would make it a condition that your DH's time with his elder two isn't cut down as a result though.

It's nice to see a stepmum actively wanting to holiday all together as a family, it sounds like you've worked the blended family thing out well.

Original poster

Discotastic · 27/01/2017 21:59

Flappy do you not think they should at least mention the existence of DHS third child? Or is he not worthy of a mention because we're not particularly close?

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