To want a week to bond?

[NewMum17]

My DH has a HUGE Asian family who all want to see our baby straight away as it's a sign of respect/blessing. I do understand this but would like to have at least the 1st week (but preferably 2) without any relatives coming to see us. I am a FTM and just want to get my head around things as well as bond with my baby.

When did you start having visitors?
Is it ok to 'pass the baby' around as a newborn?

I am Asian and when I had my baby, my ILs came from India and stayed with us for 3 months and then my parents came later and stayed for 2 months, immediately after the ILs left!!!

Omg, I am in massive admiration! You are a saint, I would be doing life in a strait jacket somewhere!

Surely saoirse, it's not hard to understand why a new mother who's had a shitty birth or a CS and is struggling with breastfeeding on no sleep while trying to hold her stitches together might not feel like playing happy hostess to her entire extended family? It's not as though the baby is going to turn into a sullen, pimply teenager if family stay away for a week?

I was freaking out about too many visitors and became a bit cagey. I'd see how you feel, just make zero firm commitments (you don't know when the little one will arrive anyway). As it was, our DD was 6 days late and I was in labour for days and then had a c-section. Once she was here I wanted everyone to meet her, which I hadn't anticipated. Get the visitors out of the way and then you can spend weeks and months getting to know each other. Congratulations and good luck!

want to see our baby straight away as it's a sign of respect/blessing.

Normally I'd say YANBU, but in this case, there's a genuine cultural reason for them wanting to see the baby. So you're NBU, but it'd be nice if you could accommodate them.

Set aside an hour or two for "visiting hours" on a couple of days during the first few weeks, let them come in that time, and then when enough is enough, discreetly excuse yourself to "put junior to bed/nurse/whatever, thank you for coming by." Then go and do just that while your husband can handle ushering his family out. (Or if you're comfortable with it, meet up in a cafe or restaurant. You can sit, get waited on, and when you've had enough, you can leave!)

Another good set of replies, thank you.

Spoken to DH. He understands my perspective and that he will be the main host! We will also have MIL's there so they can help out too. We have agreed to welcoming extended family on a weekend (as it just easier for people to be free) and will try and work out a weekday evening (after baby is born). Hopefully ILs will understand why we find it easier to invite people to visit on selected days, as opposed to letting them pop in whenever they are free. Of course if they aren't free on those dates we can rearrange something personally.

Yes I do understand people want to see their cousin/nephew etc but hope they understand that our feelings count too! As lots of you said, I will have to see how it goes after birth anyway. Who knows what it will be like? Great to hear your experiences (thanks Countfosco..sounds like I do really need to wait and see how I feel).

You may surprise yourself first dc and I couldn't wait for guests, it made me feel normal and I loved showing her off so, so much. Those first visits in the early weeks are very precious memories to me. DC2 and I had severe pre eclampsia I physically couldn't handle guests in the first week.

Would you feel better making a schedule, that you and dh can change last minute, but relatives can't? Gives you guys control, but lets say you don't feel up to it for a while you can just tell them same schedule but do it the next week instead.

Just saw your update and really glad to hear you've got it sorted, that's a brilliant compromise.

Yanbu. You should be able to decide when you are ready for visitors depending on your pain levels, how the birth went and how feeding is going. A week of peace would be wonderful.

DS is 9 weeks old on Monday, my advice; see how you feel. Like you've said, set aside time, limit visits to an hour, don't lift a finger! Your Dh /Mil can play host.

People want to come see the new baby but you've just been through a major change and it's important that you are looked after (more so than baby in that baby only really needs you, you need the support from dh et Al.)

I had (on the face of it) a horrible birth. Back to back labour for 30 hours before failure to progress, being transferred and an EMCS. But I was discharged within 24 hours and was out and about (short, gentle) when he was 4 days old. I was smacked off my tits on all the wonderful drugs still coursing through my system and walking on sunshine I was so thrilled with my baby boy! It was adrenaline. But I was also completely indiscriminate about whacking a boob out whenever/wherever needed, I expected nothing of myself except to look after baby and establish bf/change nappies/be a queen and genuinely, sleep when the baby sleeps. Try to have a shower, but put clean pjs on, sleep when baby is asleep. Dont feel like you have to be up/dressed etc.

Like I say, see how you feel, you may want to be up and about, you may want to shut the doors and sleep. Either way, enjoy it, they're tiny for such a short amount of time.

I was dreading visitors before baby came as I thought I'd want it just to be me, baby and DH. However despite not having a great birth I was so proud of DS I wanted everyone to meet him!

It was also good to have a bit of normality and support with people coming round and it helped DH.

From an Asian family and have a 13 week old - my advice on the extended family:

It is important for them to see the baby quickly - they want to welcome your baby into their family and it would change the way that they see you permanently if you tried to exclude them especially for two weeks.

However - as you're already realising, you don't have to put up with the Asian extended family norm of them just "dropping in" whenever. Your DH and (see below) your MIL especially can be proactive about this and invite them rather than waiting for them to turn up or invite themselves. What I went for was getting my parents to host a large party so that everyone could meet my DS when he was 8 weeks old - that was a bit stressful, we had to manage it very carefully to make sure that everyone who wanted to hold him got to do so but that he didn't get too overstimulated/stressed. But we got it over and done with and it was one day.

Get your MIL to help gatekeep as well - there's nothing that Asian MILs like more than feeling like a team with their DIL and getting to show off to the wider family how close they are to their DIL. So tell her what you want and ask for her help -"Oh, I really want my baby to be part of the family but can you help us to organise the extended family visits to be all on the weekend/all short/all out of the house/whatever you want."

Also - and this took me years to properly do - there are upsides to having dozens of uncles and aunts and cousins and I did really love seeing my baby become part of that. Try and enjoy it a little!

I'd let everyone come in the first week but in small groups at set times. Then everyone is happy and you get a relaxing few weeks after that

See how you feel when the time comes as it can be hard to predict exactly what you'll want before that.

I didn't really see anyone with dc4 before he was 2 weeks old. The only people to see him before that were my dad, aunt & ndn (who are all capable of and happy to make their own tea). We were descended upon after dc1 & 2 were discharged from scbu & dc3 was less that a day old when people started coming, it was horrible & I hated it, because I was expected to 'host'. I was much happier & more relaxed with #4 & that's because I had time to rest & get used to everything without having to entertain. Dh said the difference in me was amazing.

You need to do what you feel comfortable with. And I think just keep an open mind. I was in the hospital 4 days and we had visitors as in 4/5 people at one time and it was quite overwhelming. I went to the loo during visiting time and passed the biggest clot and I was scared and got back to my bed with all my in laws and passed out. Keep it to 2/3 visitors at a time.
We did have the first day out of hospital to ourselves. Then had visitors for no more than an hour a day after that.
And with DD2 everyone came round the same day as I was out of hospital quickly, and they were all loaded with the cold. So I ended up with a newborn being full of cold. Make sure that everyone washes their hands and keep a bottle of hand gel handy, and insist nobody kisses the babies. That might be OTT but it's what I would do.

My advice would be to sit in bed with baby on your chest (ideally naked and skin to skin). Let DH bring the visitors in one at a time for max 10 mins each and just look at baby not hold. They can hang out downstairs and give DH advice but he can filter it and pass selected bits to you later. My in laws were overwhelming and wanted to borrow my daughter so I used to strip her to a nappy, take my clothes off and wear her next to my skin under a big fluffy dressing gown. They could have a quick look at her face but not too long or she would get cold. Tell your in laws that the midwife recommends skin to skin for the first 2 weeks to help establish breastfeeding.

newmum that sounds like a good plan.

We both have big families. I was in for 36h (2 nights and 1 day) and in one day I had my mum and dad, sister, brother, Mil, fil and 2 bil visit. Not all at once. They merely popped their heads in and gave us both a quick cuddle. I didn't find it too disruptive at all...

Thankfully both our families seem to respect our boundaries and although we had a constant stream of visitors with both babies, no one took the piss or made me feel uncomfortable.

Friends and not so close family didnt visit fot a week + with both though as I didn't want to be completely overwhelmed.