To want a week to bond?

[NewMum17]

My DH has a HUGE Asian family who all want to see our baby straight away as it's a sign of respect/blessing. I do understand this but would like to have at least the 1st week (but preferably 2) without any relatives coming to see us. I am a FTM and just want to get my head around things as well as bond with my baby.

When did you start having visitors?
Is it ok to 'pass the baby' around as a newborn?

Why don't you allow grandparents for the first week, and then family after that? Be strict with when family can visit and for how long for.

I think you are panicking a little. Both my DC were born at home. My MIL was round within 12 hours of both of them being born. My brother, FIL, SMIL, BIL and my parents were all round the next day after DS was born at 11.07pm the night before.

You make it perfectly clear that you are not host, and you may well be sleeping or resting. You have strict rules, no more than x amount of people at a time, and no longer than an hour or so. Space out your visitors and get your DH to make sure the rules are enforced.

I dunno, my husband's Asian but I haven't done a lot of the things I 'should' have...because it's not my culture/tradition and his doesn't trump mine.

Usually with big couple decisions I'd say it's equally both your decision but I think with labour/childbirth the woman should get more say because she's 'the patient'/one recovering.

Why has mil decided to stay overnight? Did you get any say in this? Do you want her to stay? I think I'd be putting that to bed and saying a big firm no. I take it you're from a different culture? I think you're well within your rights to say no to anything that makes you uncomfortable/unhappy.

I am also married into an Asian family and we limited visitors for 10 days, 5 of which we were in the hospital as it wasn't very straightforward.
Because we have no close family near by, both sets of grandparents needed to stay over and I didn't want anyone who would be here 24/7 for a while. It didn't go down particularly well but it is all forgotten now.
It was the best time ever but I was itching to show her off by the time the grandparents arrived.
Having people to stay was fine by that point as I was already used to the baby a bit and when they offered advice I didn't get upset (as I would have in the early days of BF). I would try and hold off your MIL staying over for a while though as you will need a few days to get to know your baby and her needs. I wouldn't have wanted my own mother for that long.

I think you've spent too long on mumsnet. My mum, sisters, sister's husband, aunt, mum, dad and best friend all visited me in hospital on the day my son was born.

I had my parents and my aunt and uncle (she's a midwife, he's my adored godfather) at the hospital. But then DD ended up in special care so there was no point in anyone else coming.

Once she came home, people came in twos and threes and didn't stay longer than half an hour (or if they did it was actually in my Mum's house next door, so I could take myself away if needed)

I'd suggest playing it by ear, get some of the visits out of the way at hospital (if you are up to it and depending how long you are in there), and then get your DH to manage the visits.

You may find that if you tell them all to stay away beforehand then you might actually be glad of some more people to agree with you on how utterly perfect your baby is.

I wish I'd done this with ds. It was miserable trying to establish breastfeeding with MIL hovering around making comments about bottlefeeding. I just wanted to be in bed with my boobs and no underwear to let my stitches air!

Definitely going to do it with any future dcs I may have.

I recommend that you let them all come one the first day after you get out of hospital.

Then it's over and done with, and your DH can just tell people you're exhausted and need a bit of time. And that will give you a week or two of peace.

Crowd control is your DP's job. The midwives and NCT woman made that really clear.

I think you should do exactly what you want. Having your first child is overwhelming, the birth may be long/tiring/complicated, you may have a CS, take a while to figure out feeding etc etc. I didn't see anyone for a full three weeks -- partly mandated by the fact that all immediate family is overseas, and even if not actually staying with us, would have had to be picked up at the airport, fed, ushered around central London etc (elderly, not very city-savvy parents with zero sense of direction, and a terror of the tube). It seemed easier to put visits off until I was feeling up to it, because it would have been very full on.

And in the event it was lucky we'd said three weeks, because I had a CS, lots of blood loss, milk didn't come in, DS had jaundice and lost a lot of weight, was readmitted etc etc. It was completely hellish, HV, and La Leche League, lactation consultants, GP were no help and DS never stopped crying. It would have been ten times worse with well-meaning people who last parented in the early 70s added to the mix.

I'm sure our families would have liked to see DS sooner (he's my parents' only grandchild, and the IL's next youngest grandchild was 14), but I decided that didn't trump my desire for some time with just the three of us, and no one was rude enough to mention it.

Maybe play it by ear and see how you feel. I personally wouldn't deny parents and pil during the first week, unless there are good reasons. Would it be possible to say to the extended family that you will let them know when you're ready?

We're all different and every birth is different. For my first I had an emergency section with general anaesthesia and had lots of people visit me in hospital and when we got home. I was so bored recovering that I loved it but we had visitors that didn't stay for long. They brought food, chatted, held a baby, changed a baby, made drinks and left. With my second there were fewer visitors and I was a bit bored recovering from that section. I think that it can be easier to get all the upheaval over and done with, even if that means you have 3 families arrive at once, then settle down into humdrum life. That was me though.

I found it much easier to take baby out to visit people as then you are in control of when you leave and you are the "guest".

I had miserable baby blues and a poorly newborn for the first week and didn't really want to see anyone. When people came round and stayed until 6pm, 7pm or later it was awful.

YANBU but you need to wait and see how you feel, hopefully everything will be wonderful and you'll be wanting to show off your baby.

OP I am Asian. I had these concerns as well. It's not worth the fall out by banning them; i learnt that from my Sister and Brother in Law when they had their baby who asked our aunt to not come straight away as my sister had a complicated birth and needed to rest in the bed. The aunt was grumpy with them for months and out of protest didn't go to see the baby until she was 4 months old, despite my sister ringing several times asking her to come. Even now she's still funny with them.

You will have your time bonding with your child; you will be demand feeding every few hours so use that time as the perfect excuse to whisk the baby away upstairs away from the family and have your special time with him/her. Also, don't get into any habits about making tea or food. You are not there to host, you need to rest. My DH made it clear that the most visitors would get is tea and biscuits, and he also made his sisters and mum help with the housework rather than sit on the sofa cuddling the baby. Every once in a while, he knew I'd be feeling anxious that the baby was away from me too long, so he'd pipe up with "come on I think baby Derlei wants his mummy now"! Or just take the baby off his mum under the pretence that he wanted a cuddle, have his cuddle and then hand him to me . He was hugely supportive and it's important that your DH is too.
It does get easier and the hysteria does die down.

My DH also had plans for my MiL to stay over; he decorated the spare room for it and bought her a special mattress that they both went out shopping for! I did worry about it but then when the time came, guess how many nights she stayed? None. We told her on the first day that as I was breastfeeding from my actual breast, there was no point her staying the night as I would be getting up anyway. Worth breastfeeding just for that reason!! I think she thought the baby would be on bottle from day 1 and that she'd wake up several times to feed him! Not going to happen, the baby was sleeping in our room and there is no way I'd even want to sleep through his cries and hope MiL ran in to feed him - experiencing the night feeds is part of what motherhood is all about!

Maybe I wasn't clear enough marmalade. My immediate family will be coming to the hospital (my parents and siblings plus his parents and siblings) however I am talking about the 12 Aunties and Uncles plus their children's families (those that are older) who want to come visit within the first week.

If it was limited to a weekend or named evenings it would be less stressful I think.
*
Cherrysoup* you're right I am of a different culture. MIL staying overnight for weeks is not something I want but has been suggested by her as I am a FTM and will need help with everything. She is only half an hour away so I plan to compromise on this too.

I just wanted to be in bed with my boobs and no underwear to let my stitches air!

This.

OP if you want to breastfeed, you need to not have constant visitors. You honestly spend the first few weeks with your boobs out most of the time.

Something to bear in mind.

Dd 6 months ago banned visits for 48 hours so i could recover then loved showing her off. 2 weeks is a loooong time. You may rethink this, play it by ear after baby is here. However be fair to both families in time. If your side can visit so can dhs.

Thanks everyone.

Wow thanks for sharing Derlei. I will speak to DH to ensure he knows that he is playing host this time. I liked your tactic of getting baby back in your hands!

Yes I am planning to breastfeed Ayeamarok so will bear that in mind too. A lot to think about so I guess it was all just getting to me.

Perhaps a few dates for the 12 families to visit would be ideal. Then it's all over with. I think I've nailed it down to the spontaneity of it all that was stressing me out. I love organising and planning things...basically knowing what is happening when. Plus I thought feeding baby in demand and establishing a routine would be totally hindered with guests showing up whenever. I think I know what my next step is now

As you can see from all the different opinions on her, it's a very personal thing. If you feel uncomfortable about having visitors in the first few days after giving birth then you need to say so and have your wishes listened to. Nobody's going to die just because they have to wait a bit longer than they'd like to see your baby. Your baby. Not theirs.

See what you're comfortable with OP. Immediate family can come and see the baby to the hospital and the rest can come the following few weeks at home, when you feel ready.
Just make it clear to your husband that it's no disrespect to anyone, just what you would prefer and I'm sure people will understand.

I am Asian and when I had my baby, my ILs came from India and stayed with us for 3 months and then my parents came later and stayed for 2 months, immediately after the ILs left!!!
And all this in a 2 bed, 1 bath London flat.
My husband and I had thought at that time that it will be help for us but it was so pointless and I was ready to tear my hair apart after the first month. It was very interfering even though they thought it was "good advice". Somehow I retained my sanity.
NEVER EVER again is anyone coming to stay over, if I have a 2nd baby.

Speaking as a health visitor, I would say that it varies hugely for each new mum. We all have a different birth experience and have different needs postnatally. The single most important thing in my opinion is that your DH supports you 100% and is proactive in doing whatever he needs to do in order for you to feel happy and relaxed, and if that means telling his family to back off for a couple of days, then so be it. I think a week might be a little long IMO if culturally DH's family want to see baby, but you will absolutely need some time to heal, establish breastfeeding and bond with your baby...how long that is exactly is up to you.

You've summed it up perfectly llangemith. Gosh I feel for you Tinytemperamental. Hope it works out better next time. And thanks GTS. It's useful getting a health visitor's perspective too. I guess I didn't realise also how anxious I am about breastfeeding and whether it works out for me. Well hopefully it will all go well

I really think you need to wait and see. You're getting lots of responses from people who a) presumably had easy births and b) have family close by who could do a 1 hour hospital visit. Here's my experience of 3 different births children and families who needed to stay the night because they lived so far away. In each case my Mum came to help with the baby and did all the house work and all the cooking for at least a week after the baby arrived.

Child 1. 2 days in hospital prior to birth, long labour, 3 days in hospital post birth while establishing BFing. All of DH's immediate family wanted to visit as soon as I left hospital. DH thought this was a good idea. We had a big argument 4 days post birth in the middle of the night because he didn't understand I could not face any visitors yet. 9 year later the thought of this STILL upsets me, that he and no-one in his family understood that I had had a difficult and exhausting birth and wasn't ready to see anyone. This is the worst thing DH ever did to me. My Mum was with us and was doing all the cooking/cleaning etc, I only had to focus on the baby but my hormones were all over the place, I was shattered, and I was in tears about my DB visiting a week after the baby was born because I had no idea how I'd cope (despite adoring my brother and my Mum being there to do all the donkey work). Because of this experience I'd say insist that you get the final say on when people visit, you might be a complete wreck and not able to cope and people really need to understand that.

Baby 2: Easy birth, easy baby, enthusiastic BFer from birth. I was absolutely delighted with everything and was even happy when the baby blues struck when my milk came in. I could easily have gone back to work 2 weeks after baby was born everything was so easy. After the first time DH's family did back off and we didn't see them for a few months but actually I'd have quite happily have had them here a few days after baby arrived (wasn't in hospital long enough for them to visit us there).

Baby3: Premature. 9 day stay in the hospital. Took a month to regain birth weight and was in and out of hospital for several years. Can't actually remember when ILs first visited but know they were down for Christmas a few months after baby was born and that was fine, MIL sat on our sofa holding baby all day on Christmas Day which was perfect for me and for her.

If MIL is half an hour away she doesn't need to stay and tell her firmly you prefer not to have the added hassle of overnight guests. Tell the Inlaws no pop ins and get them to phone and organise visits. Get your husband on side. Also be firm about asking people to leave when they have overstayed their welcome and ensure your husband will help enforce this and not expect you to play hostess for hours on end

Do whatever is best for you, DH and baby, when I had Dd1 we were inundated with visitors for the whole of DH's paternity leave and I began to feel very resentful and a bit depressed tbh, so when ds1 was born we said no visitors for 2 weeks, grandparents came on day 3 for 1 hr but then nothing - it was a blissful 2 weeks of quiet bonding, rather than the fraught 2 weeks with dd1 of which I spent most of it crying! Everyone is different, some people love having company but personally I preferred a bit of space.

I find attitudes such as that you need to have no visitors to bond and ' no ones allowed to stay more than half hour' etc really hard to understand. A new baby is a joyful thing, would you not want people to share in your joy? And not to wait two weeks to do so? Also, its your baby but its also maybe a grandchild, niece, cousin etc etc is a member of a wider family, who will appreciate meeting the new baby.

But having said that, its obv u and ur dhs decision.