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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask how you make important decisions - driving myself mad!

35 replies

Shockedshell · 27/01/2017 17:24

How on earth do people make important life changing decisions and actually follow them through?
I have a huge decision to make, I have made my mind up at least 100 times and then changed it back again. It's all I can think about and talk about atm, I'm sure people are sick of me because I'm sick myself. I've looked at the pros and cons of each choice and I know I'll just carry on and maintain the status quo until something happens to force a decision. Well I guess in one way that is making a decision but I'll still keep thinking of the alternative and driving myself mad

OP posts:

ShowMePotatoSalad · 27/01/2017 17:27

What's the decision you have to make?

It's hard making life decisions but sometimes it's better to get it over and done with rather than stewing.

But YANBU.

SingingInTheRainstorm · 27/01/2017 17:27

What's the decision?

If you have made up your mind, act on it. You only make progress by taking that first step, not matter how small. Good luck

Original poster

Shockedshell · 27/01/2017 17:46

The decision is do I leave my part time but well paid job/career and become a SAHM (well stay at home grandma)?
I have care of my 2.5 yr old GS, it is becoming more and more obvious he has additional needs (already excluded from one nursery) and new nursery having "difficult days" with him.
Currently he attends nursery 3 full days per week but I feel the days may be too long for him to cope with. If I gave up work I would just send him for his 15 funded hours as I feel he still needs to attend nursery to socialise and so they can document his needs for a future ECHP application.
We could manage financially as we would receive some Tax Credits plus, I do have an idea for starting my own small business and could just work on the days my husband doesn't.
But I like my job, I like the little bit of status it gives me and I like my colleagues but my job is about to change hugely and I'm not sure I'll like it that much anymore.and I'm worried this maybe influencing my decision. Plus I'm almost 50 and am worried I'll never find another job if I wanted to return to work once GS is a little older.
Sorry for the long rambling post but my head is full of this.

OP posts:

LumelaMme · 27/01/2017 17:49

Is it possible to work part time? Could you explain the situation to your employer and see if they could be flexible for a few years?

Massive decision for you, and kudos for taking on the care of your GS.

Itisnoteasybeingdifferent · 27/01/2017 18:01

As a parent you are successful when you become a grand parent. It is easy to have children.. but to bring them to the stage where they can have children and carry your bloodline is the most difficult challenge.

You are correct about finding work in your 60's. It will be much more difficult. Looking after GC will be hard work.. (remember what it was like first time round).

This begs the question as to why your children are not looking after their children? Are they flying high with careers? or has something occurred? But no such a decision is not easy.

Comfortzone · 27/01/2017 18:05

Why is such a responsibility for him & (consequent upheaval for you )falling to you? What is parents situation? Aware that grandparents can be taken for fools

Original poster

Shockedshell · 27/01/2017 18:08

I have been raising my GS since he was 5 months old and placed with me by Children's Services as my daughter is not well enough to care for him. I know it is very hard work, he has additional needs and is very difficult to care for.

OP posts:

TheSnowFairy · 27/01/2017 18:12

If your job is well paid, enjoyable and you are well thought of I would want to stay.

Why don't you wait until the proposed changes at work happen and see how you feel then?

londonrach · 27/01/2017 18:12

Op. only you can answer this decision but youve given your gs a great home x

Strongmummy · 27/01/2017 18:22

Itsnoteasybeingdifferent sorry, but since when is it "easy to have children"?!?! Do you know anyone with fertility issues? If not, then I'm surprised. Also it's none of your business why the OP is looking after her GS.

OP, it's such a tough one. I always take the view that whatever decision you take (major or minor) you'll be presented with different and interesting opportunity which you can capitalise on.Therefore don't stress out too much about the consequence.

DeathStare · 27/01/2017 18:27

Could you drop your hours to part time?

Original poster

Shockedshell · 27/01/2017 19:02

I already do jobshare so reducing my hours is not an option.

OP posts:

happypoobum · 27/01/2017 19:19

Ok, this is what I do when I have a real dilemma.

I imagine really strongly that the decision has been made one way. I stick with that for a few hours. Then I switch to tricking myself into believing the decision has absolutely been made the other way. As I am typing this I am realising how batty it sounds.

Anyway, usually, with the decision made one way, I will feel relief, and the other, a sense of dread in the pit of my stomach. I go with my gut feeling and make the decision the way that made me feel relieved.

Hope this helps!

lljkk · 27/01/2017 19:40

I'm almost 50 & I wouldn't do it. Not Even for a beloved grandson. Presumably you do some of the care already since you're in a jobshare? Keep some status & security for yourself.

Original poster

Shockedshell · 27/01/2017 20:00

Happy poo bump - my gut feeling is to leave my job and concentrate on my GS but it's easier said than done.
lljkk - my grandson was placed into my care when he was 5 months old by Children's Services sof I'm his mum in all but name.

OP posts:

antimatter · 27/01/2017 20:04

Can you ecplore what your job arrangements should be when he is in full time school? You are only few terms away from that scenario.

Love51 · 27/01/2017 20:10

You say we could manage financially - if this means you and a partner, not you and dgs, then what is your partner's view on this. Apologies if I've misunderstood.

Original poster

Shockedshell · 27/01/2017 20:18

antimatter - I think school may present more problems than it solves. Nursery have said he needs one to one care and even if he is entitled to a full time one to one during school hours I doubt funding would be provided to cover before/after school and school holidays.

OP posts:

Original poster

Shockedshell · 27/01/2017 20:20

Love51 - DH is as bad as me, he will support me in whatever I decide but is as bad as me at making the actual decision.

OP posts:

lljkk · 27/01/2017 20:23

Crikey, I didn't realise you were the fulltime carer. That changes things.
tbh, I think maybe you need even more to keep the job in that case. You will get more support that way.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 27/01/2017 20:24

Do you think you would want to work onde he is at school? I'd imagine it would be very difficult to get back into it, especially as you will be older again.

I'd keep with it as you are and see how the changes at work go. Then re evaluate again.

Banana25 · 27/01/2017 20:26

I personally think sit tight for now. There is no harm in waiting and seeing how you feel once your role changes, if you don't like it, you can try to pick up something else part time, or leave to be a SAHM.

As an aside, have you spoken to a doctor/healthcare professional about your grandson? It sounds like you could both do with extra support in place.

RandomMess · 27/01/2017 20:31

Do you earn enough to employ a nanny to cover the care needed?

I'm thinking an excellent nanny could be best all around, if work drastically changes then you could reconsider...

Somedays · 27/01/2017 20:31

Try an experienced childminder? They might have more luck than nursery, and with the right one it could provide good continuity when he goes to school because they could do drop offs and pick ups when you're working?

Nomorechickens · 27/01/2017 20:41

You have a job you enjoy and can work part time. I would hang onto it if at all possible. You have potentially another 10-17 years of working life ahead of you. You could find it difficult to get another job as good for you. And what about your pension, if you have one?
Would it be possible to work 5 half days and send GS to nursery for 5 half days per week? That would be more manageable for him than full days.
If he has been placed with you by social services, are they supporting and advising you?
On what basis do you have care of GS? Are you getting an allowance from SS?

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