To ask how you make important decisions - driving myself mad!

[Shockedshell]

How on earth do people make important life changing decisions and actually follow them through?
I have a huge decision to make, I have made my mind up at least 100 times and then changed it back again. It's all I can think about and talk about atm, I'm sure people are sick of me because I'm sick myself. I've looked at the pros and cons of each choice and I know I'll just carry on and maintain the status quo until something happens to force a decision. Well I guess in one way that is making a decision but I'll still keep thinking of the alternative and driving myself mad

Currently we are Foster Carers to GS. We have delayed applying for an SGO as we thought we/he would benefit from the support of Childrens Services whilst his future needs are still so uncertain. However, we feel totally unsupported by them , the more difficult things get the less we hear from them...our supporting SW is supposed to visit every 6 weeks but we haven't seen her for 11 weeks now. We receive an allowance that is to be used to provide for anything GS needs as we aren't yet able to apply for Child Benefit or Tax Credits for him.
I have considered requesting 5 half days at work as I think that would be better for him but it won't help me. I'm exhausted and stressed and when I'm not at work I'm with GS and unable to do housework, shopping, cooking etc as these things are impossible to do whilst caring for GS. We have two children of our own at home too, DH helps a lot but he works full time so a lot of its down to me.
My job will be changing from an office based role that I can do confidently and competently to a community based role (basically my car will be my office) which will require me to learn 3 other jobs as 4 roles are being merged into one so even more stress for me whilst I try and get to grips with learning three other jobs😭

I think I would look into really good care for him: not necessarily expensive, if you can find a great childminder that's often not as costly as a nursery and the experience for the child is possibly closer. I wouldn't give up on your career, not just because of worrying about ageism- if you're not yet 50 I really don't think you should panic! - but because you need to have your own life and be your own person and that will be good for your DGD as well.

DGS I mean. I did start off right!

I've been a carer for my SN daughter for more years than I care to remember - from birth, obviously, so I never went back to work again.
It was impossible to get the care she needed through usual channels of nursery/childminders etc - her needs were too great. A part time job would have done wonders for my self-esteem.
I'd say if in doubt, don't. There will come a day when it will be obvious
which way to go and you won't have to struggle to make the decision.
Using my own experience I would say hang fire until things are clearer.

My son has additional needs and two years ago my employer gave me a 16 week paid sabbatical to focus on my son and getting him the help he needs. I am in the US and everyone told me I was nuts to ask. It was the best thing I did.

I got him the help he needed. I found the right childcare for him and also I had an opportunity to really focus on him and his needs without neglecting myself.

Do start a post on the SN board. It's so challenging when you are dealing with developmental issues. I wouldn't stop work just yet though. DS is at school full time and I have a wonderful nanny after school.

I've been through the realising your kid has special needs/EHCP t-shirt and would say it's incredibly hard to do whilst working. However, once things are in place, you realise how hard it will be to ever get back where you were. If there's any way work can help you short term, I would see. I would also push for funding so that your GS has a TA with him whilst at nursery. This will be a hell of a thing to pull off, but I suggest you try. Nursery ought to be able to apply to the local authority for something, but it is not enough if it's there at all. If you can get DLA for your GS you could use it towards topping up what the nursery can get. That said, if you have a child with challenging behaviour type special needs who is 2.5 and in nursery more than 15 hours a week, it does sound like he needs more one to one attention from someone (doesn't have to be you. You could try hiring someone who has worked at a special school as TA to be a carer.). To make the decision I would flip a coin - no really - and see how you feel about the outcome. I find it helps to make me come down on one side or another because I am really indecisive.

OP you sound pretty amazing to me and it's normal to find decisions difficult when they impact so much. Can you have a look at other childcare in your area? One child in my DD's nursery was autistic to the extent he was non verbal and incontient when he left to start school. The nursery were fantastic and he had a dedicated keyworker. My eldest had lower level undiagnosed additional needs and being in nursery really helped her development in a way I could not. Being home all the time is tough, having the outlet of work could save your sanity so your time at home is quality time. However it sounds like work won't be as enjoyable so looking for a new job could be an option - have a look at what's being advertised or speak to recruiters. Write down all the possible options, can your husband change to four days or condense his hours? Consider the impact of every option and what is important to you, selfishly and otherwise. Ultimately you won't know the best option until you give it a try. Could you try it out by taking carer's leave or a career break? Is there a way to work at home on occasional freelance work to keep your hand in?

Thank you to everyone for their input it's been really useful.
I haven't yet made a decision but Im thinking the best way forward is to ask for a 12 month (unpaid) career break which I had forgotten my employer offers. Due to the restructure thats about to take place they may say no, that it's a bad time, but I can only ask.
I guess the downside to taking 12 months off at such a crucial time is I might miss out on opportunities that become available that would be preferable to my new post under the restructure but, I can't have it all!

I think that's a really good idea as your starting point.

I forgot to say GS does get some funding for 1 to 1 but only 5 hours per week term time at the moment. The maximum he could be awarded is 15 hrs p/w term time only whilst he is in nursery and this is not enough to cover the hours I need him to attend.
I assume once he gets to school there will be no funding for 1 to 1 during school holidays and at the before and after school club. This is going to make working very difficult for me. DLA has been mentioned to me but I don't think his needs are severe enough to qualify.