DD and her friend WWYD?

[Iamthecatsmother]

My DS is 8. She's in year 3. She's a bright little girl and she's very kind. She was very confident when she was younger but since starting school her confidence has waned. We moved area two years ago with DHs job. The school she's at now is very small and rural. Dd says she likes it. She has been telling me she's been having problems with another girl in her year. This girl is known to have some behavioural issues. My DD often tells me this girl shouts at her a lot and dd says she's frightened of her. This isn't anything new. I told the girls mum what my dd had said and I also told dds teacher. There are still problems but I don't know what else to do.

Today I went with dds class on a school outing. This girl had no partner so she sat by me on the coach. This girl then told me how mean my dd was, how she was much cleverer than my dd and how she gets much harder work. She said my dd was slow in her class work etc basically telling me my dd was rubbish. I didn't say very much but when we arrived I told dds teacher what had just happened. The teacher said she would speak to the class as a whole about kind behaviour.

WWYD? I'm not suggesting my dd is perfect at all, she's not. And I know about dcs with SEN as my DS has ASD. But I'm tired of seeing my dd being put down by this other girl.

you asked for opinions and advice and got both. Part of being grown up is accepting that we all get it wrong.

No need to cry, take the advice in the spirit in which it is meant and use it.

Mn can often be like the school playground ('waah!' I'm jealous!' waah! ) but I don't see that on this thread.

And I hope none of the posters who have nasty comebacks for this child (who possibly has sen?) don't get asked to be a parent helper in my kids school! If I needed to I would direct it to the teacher but I suspect the conversation could be easily diverted. An adult making snippy remarks to an 8yo (who may well be telling the truth and not have the social skills to know saying those things to the childs mum is a no no no) is highly inappropriate.

"I'm not talking to you about this, it's untrue and unkind." End the conversation. Don't get into an argument with an 8 year old, you won't win.

To your own child: "you don't have to be everyone's friend, it's impossible. However, be kind."

To OP - you don't have to berate or be aggressive at all, and it's clearly not your nature (& that's fine!). However, you are your daughter's advocate & it's important that she sees you as confident and able to provide her with tools to cope with this behaviour - but if you lack confidence yourself, that's difficult. Like I said, you don't need to be aggressive, just clear in your boundaries. I know that can be hard as a mum (I know for myself that I can vacillate between feeling overwhelmed & wanting to be mama bear!).

I'm pretty assertive, but I'm not at all sure how I'd react in the OP's situation.

As a parent helper her role is to ensure the trip goes ahead and that pupils are safe, whilst I'd be upset if I heard my child being badly talked about, I'm not sure that picking up on it is the correct reaction, particularly if it resulted in the child being upset.

Perfectly fine though to teach DD some life skills about not being everyone's friend.

I feel for this op, she is unconfident anyway and having to deal with an awkward situation. I don't know if I would really know how to deal with the bus conversation. It seems to me very odd that a young child would talk like this to someone elses Mum, and I would be unsure what to say back ( does the child have sen in which case I need to be sensitive, or is she nasty in which case I should be firm, but if I give out to her will she make out to the teachers or her parents that I have been bullying her and get me into some sort of horrible situation, or will it just come back on my dD?).
So actually I think just reporting it all to the teacher was the right approach. And you just need to keep going back to the school until the situation improves. And certainly don't try inviting the child for tea!

My mother taught me to say 'how interesting' when anyone boasted about themselves and tried to squash me while they were about it. It has been the most useful reaction ever.

As an adult, in the workplace and socially, it has stood me in good stead in any number of difficult situations. No one can accuse you of being horrid, even as a parent on a school outing and I've never found a talker who didn't shut up as a result. Giving your child some options on how to deal with people, all sorts of people, can be very, very useful throughout their life. Point out to her that the girl didn't have anyone to talk to and others notice that she isn't that nice at all. All the best xx

Getting great tips on this thread. I wouldn't have a clue what to say because I would be so angry but wouldn't want to give out to a child without another adult as a witness.

Why is everyone so convinced that what the op's child has said is true yet what the other child has said isn't?
I wouldn't tell the child what she has said is untrue/unkind. It might not be! What if the op's child has been mean to her? Every post on here about issues amongst kids at school is by the parent of an angelic child who is having to put up with the awful behaviour of other kids while being the model of good behaviour themselves. Working in schools I can tell you this is rarely the case and it's much more common for it to be 6 of 1 half a dozen of the other. Yet every parent thinks their child is the wronged party and would never be anything other than 100% truthful.

Problem is horrid bullies are quite often terribly good at turning on the water works and making themselves out to be the victim. Can you imagine how that would go:
Bully:

There's no need to be at all snippy with the child. Child says dd is mean to her. You say 'well you need to speak to you teacher if there's any problems at school but dd is sooooo kind at home. It was so kind when she did X etc etc'. Child boasts about achievements and puts op's dds work down. 'That sounds great. I was really impressed with dd's homework this week as well. She worked really hard on X' etc etc. Or change the subject - tell jokes or play a game or whatever. The amount of people that would start telling off someone elses child on a school trip when they nothing of what has happened is quite shocking!

I am wondering if the girl is jealous of your relationship with your dd. From what she said on the bus it make me think she was looking for some positive attention from you.

I would be persistent with the school, also I don't know your beliefs, but I would tell your DD that you don't have to be super clever, you don't have to get top marks all the time, as long as she tries her best you are really proud of her in everything she does.
Speak to school to see if they can be kept at a distance, ask the head teacher to let the playground supervisors aware, so again a distance in kept. The child should be made aware that regardless of ability, everyone is equal, nobody is above anyone.
We had similar issues with a child who singled out one of my DC, as DC is so friendly. It took repeated intervention, repeated phonecalls, repeated meetings with the teacher & head.
It's not ideal, especially if you are busy during the day, but the more you persist, hopefully the behaviour will stop. It could be that this child has issues that aren't being supported, but IMO that isn't an excuse to make your daughter miserable.
Instil in her that attainment isn't everything, being nice and friendly is better than top of the class. Reiterate how proud you are of her achievements. Both actions together should stop the trouble with the girl and also make your DD think it doesn't matter what set im in. As long as I am working hard, that is all that matters.

Just to add it can be the case where both parties are bad, but I'm sure the OP would be aware of her DD was misbehaving in any way. Bullying is genuine and something that should be tackled.

Why would the op be aware? If the op's dd is being mean to the other child in the playground there are generally only a few adults looking after all the kids. My child will often come home and say that kids have said mean things and when I ask did you tell the teacher they either couldn't find one or didn't want to stop his game. The staff aren't going to be aware every time a child is mean to another. The ops dd had to tell her about the shouting from the other girl - not the school.

I'm sure the girl in question would say something if anyone was being nasty.

She has.