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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD and her friend WWYD?

67 replies

Iamthecatsmother · 27/01/2017 13:03

My DS is 8. She's in year 3. She's a bright little girl and she's very kind. She was very confident when she was younger but since starting school her confidence has waned. We moved area two years ago with DHs job. The school she's at now is very small and rural. Dd says she likes it. She has been telling me she's been having problems with another girl in her year. This girl is known to have some behavioural issues. My DD often tells me this girl shouts at her a lot and dd says she's frightened of her. This isn't anything new. I told the girls mum what my dd had said and I also told dds teacher. There are still problems but I don't know what else to do.

Today I went with dds class on a school outing. This girl had no partner so she sat by me on the coach. This girl then told me how mean my dd was, how she was much cleverer than my dd and how she gets much harder work. She said my dd was slow in her class work etc basically telling me my dd was rubbish. I didn't say very much but when we arrived I told dds teacher what had just happened. The teacher said she would speak to the class as a whole about kind behaviour.

WWYD? I'm not suggesting my dd is perfect at all, she's not. And I know about dcs with SEN as my DS has ASD. But I'm tired of seeing my dd being put down by this other girl.

OP posts:

Butterymuffin · 27/01/2017 15:00

Look, it's not nice to read criticisms of what you did, but you asked for opinions and help. Not all of that is all always going to be validating your approach. No one is saying you're a bad person or a terrible mother. You just need to find a way of dealing with this robustly. And now you know that people agree it needs to be handled more firmly, I hope it gives you confidence in speaking to the teacher. Can you practice that conversation with someone first, so you're ready for it?

TheFormidableMrsC · 27/01/2017 15:05

Iam, I really feel for you, you were put on the spot as I was yesterday and it's sometimes difficult to know how to react to a child as I tried to describe in my post above. I am certainly not criticizing you at all, but having a child with ASD (and behavioural issues) means that I have had to develop a thick skin and a robust approach...I don't expect him to behave badly any more than I expect another child to behave how the girl did towards you yesterday. It's clearly been very upsetting, understandably. Do you have a family welfare officer at school? If so, it might be worth having a chat, I have always found them amazingly helpful and supportive and it sounds as though you need some support with this PS : AIBU is a bugger of a board at times.

WineIsMyMainVice · 27/01/2017 15:05

I don't think it's fair to give op a hard time. We all have situations that you look back on and think you could have handled differently.
Good luck helping your DD with her confidence.

JakeBallardswife · 27/01/2017 15:05

As a parent volunteer it is really tricky to know how to talk to the children and what is / isn't acceptable, so you told the teacher which is really what should happen then its up to the teacher.

The girl seems to have issues but at 8 she isn't a write off and can be taught kind behaviour.

Could you encourage your DD to seek out other friendships and keep in close contact with the school if the situation doesn't rectify itself.

alltouchedout · 27/01/2017 15:12

Oh, OP, there are some people who don't feel they're using mumsnet properly if they haven't been utterly vile to at least one other poster that day. Ignore the unhelpful, aggressive, unkind answers (if you'd posted that you set this child straight you'd have been hurled a torrent of abuse for treading on the teacher's toes and daring to do so, especially given the fact that she has additional needs).

I think in your shoes I'd ask for a meeting with the teacher, and explain that whilst I appreciate and support the whole class reminder about kind behaviour, I also think this girl needs to be spoken to individually about the way she behaves towards and speaks about your dd.

Giddyaunt18 · 27/01/2017 15:13

Don't move schools, you'll find there will be a similar child at the new school. If it continues then you must keep communicating with the teacher. In the meantime build your DD's confidence and self esteem and encourage positive friendships with other children in her class, invite them over etc.

mowgelijeffs · 27/01/2017 15:16

Well I'm wicked and I would either:
Confront the little shit at school so she gets a right fright from me

Invite the shit over to play and confront her there

Brighteyes27 · 27/01/2017 15:20

I think the OP is looking for support on here not a bashing. Been a parent helper on a school trip is not maybe really the best place to deal with the mouthy outspoken little brat.
I feel for you OP I don't think you should move schools do lots of nice things with DD show her you love her and think about helping her develop other various confidence building interests and friends both inside and outside of school. Say to her the reason this girl is being mean is because she feels bad about part of herself or her life. It doesn't mean this is the right way to behave but it's the only thing she can think of to do to help make her feel better is to lash out at you. But you don't deserve this behaviour etc.
Take care don't be too hard on yourself none of us are perfect parents.

KERALA1 · 27/01/2017 15:20

Sorry but totally disagree with the invite her for tea advice. wtf why? Invite any other child to tea to try to encourage more positive friendships.

Its hard when you are put on the spot especially when someone (even a child) is saying something shocking. Do agree with others though would be a good idea to up your briskness and assertiveness with other peoples kids or they may think you (and by default your dd sadly) are pushovers.

ApplePaltrow21 · 27/01/2017 15:23

Who was bashing the OP? I didn't see anything other than mild criticism.

OP: I think your DD is mirroring your lack of confidence. I would work on both her AND your confidence otherwise she may struggle.

mowgelijeffs · 27/01/2017 15:36

Kerala I never said give her tea.
Just invite her over and tell her off.

diddl · 27/01/2017 15:37

So if you found it difficult to know what to say/do (& I get why), then I guess it's like that day in day out for your daughter.

So she needs to be able to take nothing to heart that is said to her by this girl, easier said that done as there's plenty of adults can't just let stuff wash over them!

It does sound as if the school need to be working more directly with the other girl though rather just general talks about "kind behaviour".

KERALA1 · 27/01/2017 15:38

No it wasn't you mow an earlier person suggested that, yay invite a child who is horrid to your child home so they can continue being horrid in your child's safe zone.

mowgelijeffs · 27/01/2017 15:44

Oh sorry Kerala.
I meant it in a more confrontational way. Get the child when she's alone and give her a bit of a shock.

It really works. When I was little I told someone in my class Santa wasn't real and she was very upset. She went home and told her mum who came to school and told me off. She said something along the lines of just because something doesn't matter to me it doesn't mean it doesn't matter to someone else. And that it upset my friend a lot.
Lesson learnt I never said anything to ruin someone's magic or spirit again.

mowgelijeffs · 27/01/2017 15:45

Oh and I would say to this brat.

"You might be smart, but you are not nice and that is far more important. Why don't you think about things and become smart and nice. Then you will be a better friend to people"

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 27/01/2017 15:48

I agree Molly, but. What could she say to someone else's 8 year old child. Shut the fuck up. You little bratling. That's my daughter you're talking about. I bet she felt like saying that though.
Or to play devils advocate and think of every possibility. Is ops dd picking on this child, and. She's trying to tell the child's mother. Hoping it will stop.
If someone was saying that about my child. Yes I'd be fuming, but. I'd want to know why. Oh don't get me wrong. There quite often isn't a reason. It. could just be that this girl. Is one little madam.

rookiemere · 27/01/2017 15:48

Some weird advice being given out here.

This is a school matter and I'd keep on dealing with it as such and I'd not be interacting with the girls DM or the girl herself.

Every time your DD reports any instance of unkind behaviour from this other girl I'd be straight on to it to the school. I'd also ask to see what their anti-bullying policy was as I believe most schools should have one.

We had a slightly similar situation in DS's class a couple of years ago. He had a friend, but friend was distracting DS in class and had boisterous behaviour to the point where he pulled DS by the tie and DS got a slight burn mark. We just made a point of either emailing or going to see the teacher every time it happened. We were careful to label the behaviour rather than the child, but were fairly persistent. Teacher separated them from each other and kept an eye on it which seemed to sort it out.

Be a polite, but persistent nuisance. Teachers are very busy people so they will be keen to stop regular parental complaints and contact. If after a few contacts you feel that the situation is still not being dealt with appropriately, advise that you don't want to do this but you feel you have to speak to the head and then do so.

mowgelijeffs · 27/01/2017 15:50

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 27/01/2017 16:17

the school needs to handle this,. the girl needs to be told you don't talk to DD, you leave her be - its not fucking rocket science! just work through the school and keep a diary. a child CAN be told to keep away and behave

and boost DD, tell her that this little girl has issues, she is not 100% happy otherwise why should she be running DD down? boost DD self esteem and confidence

as for the criticism, FFS how can someone do that when in a parental role on a class trip? her role was to look after the kids not engage in a verbal debate with an 8 year old! Its highly inappropriate to discuss things with kids on a school trip, you are there as a neutral; parent helper

TheMysteriousJackelope · 27/01/2017 16:20

One thing I would do is stop referring to this little girl as a friend because she isn't acting like a friend. I would talk to your DD about it is to be a good friend strongly making the point that your DD does not deserve to be treated like this girl is treating her.

Definitely tell the teacher. A lot of the verbal bullying can be done in whispers or under cover of normal class conversation. It would be easy for a teacher to miss it. I would ask if she can separate them in class and have the playground supervisor keep an ear open for this girl during break.

If this continues or worsens I'd see if your DD can be assigned to a different class to the girl for the rest of their time at the school.

Giddyaunt18 · 27/01/2017 16:38

Kerala I never said give her tea.
Just invite her over and tell her off. Completely inappropriate!

Putsomepeasonit · 27/01/2017 16:54

She didn't have to verbally debate with a child or even discuss the issue. She could have shut down the conversation so the child was aware that slagging the dd off to the dds mother wasn't going to happen. I've had to do it in the past in a similar situation and it doesn't take much more than a brief comment so the child knows it's a no go. None of this telling off type stuff that people are on about. It's the same type of redirection someone helping on a school trip will have to do if any of the children play up or start being nasty to each other and the teacher isn't right there to get involved.

Mynestisfullofempty · 27/01/2017 16:56

OP if you can't be assertive on you're own behalf you do need to be assertive on your child's behalf and that means not meekly listening to another child slagging yours off.

bumsexatthebingo · 27/01/2017 16:57

I would have just contradicted what the girl said and given examples of lots of times your dd has been kind, done great homework etc and told them if there are any problems at school she needs to speak to the teacher and then changed the subject/played I-Spy or something!
I would also want to find out the teachers take on it as the child may well be telling the truth. I notice that when your dd said the girl was being mean to her you believed her but when the other girl says your child has been mean she must be making it up

MuteButtonisOn · 27/01/2017 17:02

Stop calling the girl a brat people OP don't be upset, you did nothing wrong in the grand scheme of things. I'd hate to think my post upset you at all. It's hard enough to have a child with ASD.

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