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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask.... love, does it all click with firstborn?

68 replies

Backt0Black · 26/01/2017 22:22

Sorry - this has probably been done?

Heavily pregnant and worried I wont love the baby as a 'proper' mother should? Don't get me wrong, the baby IS wanted, I'm just worried I'm too awkward and really don't know how to be a parent?

My DM was frost itself, never ever said she loved me, was disengaged, disinterested and if I'm honest looking back oddly jealous? ... I used to think it was just me but before she died (not old so can't blame senility) said in all seriousness 'I hate that child' re a grandkid.

DF - very complex, again pretty uninterested and full of compliments such as 'thickit, moron, nummock etc' .... yet very jovial at times, but very angry and a bit violent at others. Also very manipulative and great at emotional blackmail and will happily call anyone a liar that challenges him on bad behaviour. '

I suppose I'm worried I will be a shit Mam, and mess up my kid. I've felt a bit disconnected all pregnancy. Does it all just fall in to place? Is there such a thing as a mothering instinct?

OP posts:

BabCNesbitt · 27/01/2017 15:09

Oh, just a tip, OP - try not to do what I did and spend the first two weeks of DD's life sitting up during feeds reading books with names like "Why Love Matters" Attachment parenting books should be banned during the first couple of months as their standard can be impossible to live up to!

ricepolo · 27/01/2017 15:14

Look up the 'five to thrive' approach. It's an amazing, no/low resource, easy way to develop fantastic attachment with your baby. It's particularly useful for people to whom good parenting might not come naturally (for example, because of a lack of good role models). It's really basic stuff, but will help hugely with your confidence and skills. PM me if you want to know more.

n0ne · 27/01/2017 16:07

Muddler - that was gorgeous

MrsMeeseeks · 27/01/2017 16:15

I didn't feel that rush of love. Although I felt a strong need to protect him, it took a while to really feel like he was mine and love him.

I felt like a shit mum at the time, because everyone had guaranteed that I would love him immediately the moment I held him.

Give yourself time and try not to weigh yourself down with expectations. Everyone is different and that's ok.

By the way, it is very normal to have these feelings when pregnant - especially if you had an unhappy childhood yourself. DH and I both had a bit of an identity crisis when I was carrying DS.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/01/2017 16:30

I had that weird, "what have I done" feeling with equal measures of not wanting anyone else to hold her. Very odd. Now, I'd fight a lion for her. She is completely an individual. You think because you made something from you and your OH that they will be a certain way. But she is herself just as hard as she can be.

You've one aspect of parenting down; nagging guilt. Well done, you'll need that

LittleLionMansMummy · 27/01/2017 17:06

I didn't get a rush of love with ds, but I'd have done anything to care for and protect him from day one. I think it's fairly normal for love to develop as you get to know someone - and that includes babies! He's 6 now and I'd die for him, as any mum will tell you. I had no idea you could love someone this much. I then worried I wouldn't love my second as much as my first. But it's true, there's no limit to love - dd is 9 weeks and I adore her.

Willialwaysbelookeddownon · 27/01/2017 17:13

In all honesty, will DS1 I didn't feel that 'click' straight away. I knew I loved him but it wasn't the overwhelming instinct everyone spoke about.
I would say it took a good 3 months (and they felt very long) for me to feel it and then suddenly I did and I can't even explain how much I loved him after that point.
Ds2 I loved that amount the second he was born.
DS1 though, looking back, it was definitely more than just a patch of PND and I wish I had told someone how I really felt.
If you do feel worried about it at any point speak to your midwife, especially after baby's birth. I sobbed wholeheartedly in the GP's office for about an hour and a half once. Don't feel any shame.
P.S DS1 is 4 now, and he's now my best friend. Don't worry. You'll be amazing

Willialwaysbelookeddownon · 27/01/2017 17:14

Meant more than a patch of baby blues, and was PND.

Chinnygirl · 27/01/2017 17:21

Oh yes, you'll get the mothering instinct. Either at birth or otherwise in the weeks after. Some women need to heal first. You'll be fine.

Fibbertigibbet · 27/01/2017 17:30

My mum had parents that sound really similar to yours, but she has always been an amazing, supportive, wonderful mum, and I think a lot of that was the absence of love in her house growing up made her more determined I would feel loved by her. You will be fine. x

PastysPrincess · 27/01/2017 17:34

Don't worry if you do not feel a sudden rush of love at first. I didn't, it was at about 6 weeks when he smiled for the first time that I had my "moment".

You will be a great mum because you recognise your parents short comings and wont repeat their mistakes.

SingingInTheRainstorm · 27/01/2017 17:43

Your emotions are generally all over the place, when you get home and you've had a week or so of sleepless nights, you may cry and wonder what on earth you did. That will soon change.
You've planned your DC, you also have your experiences with DM/DF, it will make you a fantastic parent. You wouldn't want your child having the same experiences or trauma you have.
Please don't worry, I understand it is a very worrying time, but it will be ok. I do promise you as I said above, you sound like you're going to adore this baby. You will have times where you are frustrated, as they grow you'll get frustrated, they may even try your last nerve, but you have principles, I don't feel like you'll change these.
I've raised my voice at my DC's several times, never shouted. I've never hit them or slapped them. I think taking your frustration or anger out on children is wrong. Parents have different opinions, I would never force my views on another person.
Good luck, we're always here.

SingingInTheRainstorm · 27/01/2017 17:45

Just to add, don't give yourself unrealistic expectations, go with the flow, don't be afraid to ask anything. There's no daft questions, your instinct will have already kicked in, you will be amazing.

Original poster

Backt0Black · 27/01/2017 20:06

Thank you ALL. I'm blown away by the honesty and willingness to squash the whole 'instant rosy cheeked super perfect yummy mummy' fib.

I loved reading the really personal accounts of how you all really felt and the experiences that made things click and it's made me think it CAN be ok.. I've also laughed at loud at some of the comments too on how kids can be sods, but you love them just the same.

If I wouldn't get slapped down for TAAT I'd start a couple of new threads inspired by the responses here.

1 - whats the most reassuring thing you've read on Mumsnet?
2 - AIBU to say to people to lay off the whining about the AIBU board?

Thank you SO much. Dare I allow myself to tell you all that tonight I maybe even felt a little bit excited at having a little buddy????

OP posts:

Boiing · 27/01/2017 20:15

Mothering instinct is very real, but it can be affected by other things. Eg it will be harder to connect with your baby if you are stressing out about why baby doesn't want to sleep anywhere except on you, why baby only eats in an arched back 'banana' shape, why baby has colic, whether you're doing it 'properly' (there's no such thing) etc etc. Basically in early months expect nothing from your baby or yourself and just wallow in the joy and love will have space to arise. You already know how to love people.

Writerwannabe83 · 27/01/2017 20:22

And they really do become your buddy!!

My son makes me laugh far more than most of my friends do

When I had DS I felt very nonchalant about him for a few days, it was really odd, but then when the love came I felt so incredibly guilty about those first few days. For about 3 months I used to think about it and dwell on it and I would be in tears about what an awful mother I'd been andhoe he had deserved a better one. When I used to put him to bed I would apologise to him between tears about how I hadn't loved him at first. After months of punishing myself I knew I had to sssk out some help because I was becoming so entrenched in it and so I posted in mumsnet (and it was in AIBU) and I poured my heart out about how badly I thought of myself and how much I'd let DS down (in my mind) and the response I got was phenomenal - I had never come across so much kindness and support and I was so, so touched. The pages of replies I had were heartwarming and they saved me really. All my negative feelings about myself just went and I was able to put what had happened in a little box and file it away and stop punishing myself for something that many, many women experience.

I can talk about my experience of those initial days when I didn't really feel much for DS but now I know it's normal and no reflection on the kind of mother I am or how much I love my son.

Despite some negative opinions of MN when there is a woman who is really, really struggling the support that posters show and the kindness behind their words is phenomenal.

flumpsnlumpsnstuff · 27/01/2017 20:26

I didn't get the love at first sight dh did though. He was convinced he wasn't dad material but he sobbed his heart out the moment he saw her with me it was breastfeeding that bonded us, at first I kept seeing that blond vampire girl out of interview with a vampire, which freaked me and then I realised I was seeing how she would grow and change and become so beautiful minus the fangs dd2 was immediate for me and took longer for dh

flumpsnlumpsnstuff · 27/01/2017 20:29

Mine are 12 and 13 now and I still love them even though teenager is working hard to stop that

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