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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask.... love, does it all click with firstborn?

68 replies

Backt0Black · 26/01/2017 22:22

Sorry - this has probably been done?

Heavily pregnant and worried I wont love the baby as a 'proper' mother should? Don't get me wrong, the baby IS wanted, I'm just worried I'm too awkward and really don't know how to be a parent?

My DM was frost itself, never ever said she loved me, was disengaged, disinterested and if I'm honest looking back oddly jealous? ... I used to think it was just me but before she died (not old so can't blame senility) said in all seriousness 'I hate that child' re a grandkid.

DF - very complex, again pretty uninterested and full of compliments such as 'thickit, moron, nummock etc' .... yet very jovial at times, but very angry and a bit violent at others. Also very manipulative and great at emotional blackmail and will happily call anyone a liar that challenges him on bad behaviour. '

I suppose I'm worried I will be a shit Mam, and mess up my kid. I've felt a bit disconnected all pregnancy. Does it all just fall in to place? Is there such a thing as a mothering instinct?

OP posts:

username1317 · 26/01/2017 23:59

This is an excellent example of the positive power MN has.

Original poster

Backt0Black · 27/01/2017 10:30

Totally agree, I think AIBU has gotten a really hard time of late and quite unfairly.

I think if you come on here with a honest dilemma or concern, without a side agenda, MN'ers are really genuine about offering advice, sharing experiences and providing reassurance.

OP posts:

Writerwannabe83 · 27/01/2017 10:40

That "rush of love when you first see your baby" is a really unhelpful myth as it's not true and can be really damaging to women who don't feel that instant connection which I imagine is actually quite common.

I was in hospital for 3 days with DS and during that time I knew he was mine and I wanted to feed him and keep him safe but I didn't feel love for him. It's a really overwhelming time.

It wasn't until I got home that my feelings for him really began to develop and within a week I felt love for him that can't be described. However, some women take even longer than that, for some its weeks or months before they feel a strong sense of maternal love and that's fine too.

Just go in to it with a clear mind, don't put any pressure or expectations on yourself about how you should feel and let your relationship with your baby develop naturally in its own time.

SerialGoogler · 27/01/2017 10:42

Like PP, I felt primal about DS1 but the love part wasn't instant. Thank God my DM warned me about it.

I think the birth left me shell-shocked and I had to make myself use his name and not keep saying 'baby'. The first weeks are hard as you might feel like anyone could take care of the baby and they wouldn't notice or care, but then the smiles come and it feels more like a relationship.

One tip is to make sure you get the baby for cuddles not just for feeding. Many a time I realised everyone else had him once I'd done my bit and I never got to enjoy just being with him, looking at him, taking him in.

With DS2 it was more instant because I knew what was coming and I felt more in control. I had done all the 'firsts' with DS1 and I was much more confident. And I laid more claim to him just to enjoy holding him for pleasure and not demand!

gamerwidow · 27/01/2017 10:45

It isn't always instantaneous so don't worry if you're not overwhelmed with love as soon your baby is born. It will come though. I was the least maternal person in the world before DD was born but my love for her now is all encompassing.

Tubbyinthehottub · 27/01/2017 10:47

It took me a few weeks at least. I felt like my baby was a stranger at first so how could I love him? Took me a few months to properly fall in love with my cat too

Anatidae · 27/01/2017 10:58

Another one here who was doped to the eyeballs for the first glimpse ;)

Of course you're worried! You have a baby on the way, you're reflecting on your own upbringing and it's shortcomings. You're anxious not to perpetuate that. That alone shows you're aware and capable of warmth.

Some people get that rush of love, some people it builds slowly. Whatever happens the first few weeks are just about resting, healing and surviving as you adjust!

As much physical contact as you can will help. Plenty of snuggles, just rest, learn to breastfeed lying down on your side (if you bf.) rest, recouperate, don't beat yourself up for any perceived failings. Snuggle the, sniff them, touch them.
A baby is a massive change to your life, and you do spend a lot of time worrying you're doing it wrong, or not well enough - that's just parenthood. You will be doing ok (unless you're leaving them out for the wolves or raising them in a crack den.) Just enjoy those first days. Cuddle constantly if you can, and rest.

The people who are poor parents are generally the ones not aware enough or not caring enough to ruminate on their own abilities. You will be ok. I say this as someone who was never maternal. Ds is now 16 months and I love him more than I can express. Am I a perfect mum? I doubt it. Am I good enough - yeah, more than good enough. He's safe, loved, knows he's loved, he's secure, warm, fed and happy. Good luck.

Areyoufree · 27/01/2017 11:23

First baby - instant rush of love. Second baby: wouldn't have known him from Adam. No bond, no connection. Fortunately, he was an easy baby, so was happy to keep him around! And an amazing bond developed.

n0ne · 27/01/2017 12:51

Some people love the baby before it's born, some when they hold it for the first time, for me it took a little while. I was in awe when I first saw her, but I wouldn't call it love. I didn't know her, how could I love her? And the first few weeks are hideous, and you're shattered and full of insecurities so that doesn't help. But from the moment she focussed on my face, really looked at me, and smiled, I was gone. Never knew there was so much love in me, and it grows and grows as they grow.

You'll be fine, OP

BadToTheBone · 27/01/2017 14:03

My ds was a surprise baby and I didn't connect the the pg, stayed in denial through the pg even though I was in my 30's. I didn't connect with him when he was born either. Then at 2 weeks it hit me like a sledgehammer when we were alone together just sitting. He's a teenager now and he's the most perfect boy ever to walk this planet, what can I say?!

DJBaggySmalls · 27/01/2017 14:08

I was so convinced I'd be a bad mother I went for counselling. I had a similar childhood to yours. I basically had to be told that I wouldn't accidentally harm my child through my ignorance, and its better to show your kids how to deal with mistakes than try to be perfect. The relief was enormous
I didnt really feel it until DS was about 8 months.

PeridotPassion · 27/01/2017 14:10

That "rush of love when you first see your baby" is a really unhelpful myth

Agree with this. I felt fairly protective over ds1 when he was born and took care of him as best as I could. But it was months before I could say I felt like I 'loved' him. It developed over time, as I got to know him.

Even worse is those that insist you will instantly love your second child as much as the first, that the same love is there for the 2nd straight away. I took time to bond with ds2 too and to grow to love him...but there were months where my feelings for ds1 were stronger than for ds2.

Justanothernameonthepage · 27/01/2017 14:11

DC was around 4 months before I felt the overwhelming love. Before that he was just a baby who I was responsible for. I took good care of him of course and held him, played etc. Just never had a thunderbolt of love. Now he's 2.5 and I adore him with every heartbeat.

Bloopbleep · 27/01/2017 14:19

You don't have to love your baby right away. The bond will develop over time. What you'll probably feel is an instinct to protect and care for your baby first then love will come in time. I felt awful for not instantly falling in love with my dd but I cared for her to the best of my ability and then one day I felt it. Not everyone feels it right away and it's important people know that it's OK.

FelixFelix · 27/01/2017 14:27

I agree with others about the whole love thing developing. I see a lot of acquaintances on social media gushing about how much they love their babies at first sight, now they feel complete etc etc but I never felt like that with mine. I'm sure it happens for a lot of people but most of the time it's BS. Luckily I'd been a member of MN a while and knew how I felt was normal!

When I was handed dd in the hospital, I was just a bit 'meh' and didn't feel an instant connection or anything. I am not naturally maternal at all and it took a while to get used to it. I think the love part came when dd got slightly older and started interacting with me more. I have never been pfb about dd and I'm quite laid back. She is wonderful though and I do love her to death now!

melonribena · 27/01/2017 14:29

I want to agree that the rush of love thing didn't happen to me. It took a while for me to love both of my ds's. It was a gradual thing and developed over time.
I just remember being stressed during the newborn phase and watching dp bond with ds.
I also agree that you learn from the mistakes or actions of your parents.
Enjoy it and the love will come!

Oysterbabe · 27/01/2017 14:32

With my DD the love definitely grew gradually. Her arrival was early and a shock, I barely held her for the first week as she was in NICU. It didn't take long though and now I'm absolutely smitten beyond words, when I'm at work I literally daydream about her like a lovestruck teen.

I'm not an emotional person and DH often "jokes" that I'm dead inside. But with your own baby it's a different kettle of fish.

Gooseygoosey12345 · 27/01/2017 14:36

Don't worry, being an ice queen isn't hereditary :) you will love your child, the fact that you're worrying about it means you obviously care already. It will fall into place, maybe not immediately, but it will. Good luck :)

BabCNesbitt · 27/01/2017 14:38

Yy to the unhelpfulness of the "rush of love" accounts. It's true for some people, but for many reasons it can be really hard to bond at first. I had terrible PND, not helped by the fact that when she was new, DD looked a lot like my father (with whom I gave a very difficult relationship). I've also had the cold and distant mother thing from childhood, and I spent lots of time brooding that I didn't have any model for what a good parent should look like.

It took a few months for me to feel properly bonded with DD, and when it happened it was a gradual realisation, never a rush. The circumstances I was in after birth, though, meant that I wasn't able to seek any external help. If it does bother you after birth, OP, then do try and talk to someone and get as much help as you can - don't put a brave face on it.

Sorry, I realise this sounds really negative! I just remember how awful I felt when I used to ask about it on MN and would be told that it would click when it felt like it never would. The older she got and the more she became her own little person, the easier I found it to feel connected with her. And I adore her now!

ApocalypseNowt · 27/01/2017 14:44

I didn't feel the rush of love with DD1.....it just grew and grew every day. It helped that she was a lovely dream of a baby. Smiled at 4 weeks and never stopped, didn't cry much - it made her so easy to love.

With DD1 it was more instant. She was a right royal pain in the arse too but I just couldn't help but love her. I just don't think she enjoyed being a baby much. As soon as she was mobile she cheered up immensely!

WispyWindy · 27/01/2017 14:44

Agree with others that love develops over time, different for everyone.

What I hadn't been prepared for was how becoming a parent would make me reassess my upbringing and everything my parents had done (and I'd previously thought I had a pretty good childhood) in a way that made me quite angry and I had to work through those feelings. DH on the other hand says it made him more forgiving of his parents because he could now see they were just people struggling with something difficult. So try to be prepared for potentially opening up old memories and wounds. But also remember, you are not your parents.

LaContessaDiPlump · 27/01/2017 14:46

That "rush of love when you first see your baby" is a really unhelpful myth

Agree, agree, agree. I had it with DS2 but not DS1 - it took me ages to get used to DS1!! They are 5.5 and 4.5 now - DS1 is still not particularly cuddly but I can confidently say I love the little bugger now

CheerfulMuddler · 27/01/2017 14:48

Another one where it took a while. The truth is, newborn babies are kind of weird. They don't smile, they don't laugh, they are hugely, hugely demanding and selfish and disdainful, they don't look at all like the babies in Pampers adverts who are plump and gurgly and coo and giggle. They are little red wrinkly objects who make creaky velociraptor noises and you do look at them and think WTAF?

Or maybe that was just me.

For me the key was not panicking, not assuming it was me and something was dreadfully wrong, and remembering that loving at this stage is much more practical than emotional. You can hold your child and rock them and feed them and sing to them even if inside you are fantasising about throwing them out of a window to JUST MAKE THE SCREAMING STOP.

Doing things for someone is one of the ways you develop love for them. So is physical contact, particularly skin to skin - take off the baby's clothes and put them on your naked stomach, so their head is between your breasts and they're all curled up like a warm little bean. It's lovely. And you can balance a book on their head and have some time off.

Respond to them when they cry. Tell them you love them, every day, even if you don't feel it right then. You probably will find yourself doing and saying things your parents said to you, because we all do, no matter how much we wanted not to. Try not to beat yourself up about it if it happens. Go and apologise to your child and promise to try and do better next time.

And good luck! I bet you'll be a great mum. It is scary, and it is hard, but it's also a lot easier than you think it is right now.

AntiQuitty · 27/01/2017 14:57

Ds1 felt like a parasite while I was pregnant and I had no rush of love.

But I fed him, cuddled him, enjoyed him and one day realised I had that emotion one calls love. I think I always did, it's just so new and overwhelming having your first.

Having had practice I did feel so much love right away with ds2. Even though I obviously worried how I could possibly love him as much as ds1!

You're not your parents and there's nothing wrong if you don't feel "motherly" right away.

BToperator · 27/01/2017 14:59

I agree with what everyone else is saying, that it can take a while for the bond to develop. I also want to add, that maternal instinct does not mean you won't make lots of stupid mistakes. I know I did with DS, but babies are tough little buggers, and as long as they are fed, clean and warm, will generally thrive. I think the key is to just go with it, and not expect too much of yourself too soon.

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