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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to speak to parent before the teacher?

63 replies

YesAnastasia · 26/01/2017 19:03

I always try to speak to the parents I know of children in DC classes when something happens between the children.

I'd always like to know what's going on with DC and want the opportunity to speak to them if I can, so assume other parents would too.

I don't think other parents feel the same way. In fact I've had a bit of a hostile encounter with another parent who believes that if it happens at school, I should go to the teacher not the parents.

How many others feel like this? Is there an unspoken rule that I'm not aware of?

OP posts:
TheMysteriousJackelope · 26/01/2017 20:23

I would tell the teacher.

If it happened at school the teacher is in the best position to find out what really happened.
If it happened at school the teacher is in the best position to stop it happening again.
Bullying children frequently have bullying parents who would just love to have a go at an adult they perceive as weak.
You have to deal with these parents almost on a daily basis for years. It's best to have some separation to avoid the kind of stupidity that causes many threads to be started here.
Everyone expects you to handle it through the school so unless it is a case of very close friends nobody will think you are disrespectful.

I would expect the school to tell me about significant things. One teacher was good at this, another teacher DD had was flat out appalling.

mummymummums · 26/01/2017 20:23

Definitely the teacher. When I was new to this I spoke to a mum and it went very badly as she completely turned it around on my DD. Fortunately the school kept an eye and saw this other lady's DD kick my DD. And another attack later for which the child was made to write an apology to my DS. Still the mum did not believe it the school said! And I thought she was sensible until then. Never again - she still gives me the evil eye

Arkenstone · 26/01/2017 20:27

YABVU. Approach the teacher not the child's parent. It's common sense, surely

RoseGoldHippie · 26/01/2017 20:28

I was thinking that parents are responsible for their children wherever they are and should know significant things
I agree with this, the problem is when you march up to a parent on the playground and accuse their child of something. That parent may not be aware of the issue and you need to have a mutual party involved. Emotions run too high in these situations for parents to be able to always be logical in these matters.

Cwtchythings · 26/01/2017 20:28

Yes teacher for me too. I had my DD coming home for a few nights in tears because of a girl in her class. I was just at the point of asking the teacher if anything was going on when the mother of the girl came onto me and said my DD was really upsetting her daughter and could I please have a word!
Unbeknown to me, the same mum had already gone up to my DD in the playground and told her off Shock
She pissed me right off. They were best of friends the next week and had sorted it themselves. It was a complete overreaction.

THirdEeye · 26/01/2017 20:30

Teacher first. Always.

WelliesAndPyjamas · 26/01/2017 20:31

Teacher first. As someone said upthread, approaching the parent rarely ends well.

We had to make this tough choice once. Based on how well we knew the character of the kid's mum, the descriptions she'd given of her reactions to similar situations in the past, we knew she'd be in denial took the decision to ask the school to address a worsening situation. It was the right thing to do but obviously she wouldn't see the truth about her child and the friendship ended.

headinabook · 26/01/2017 20:31

A few years ago my DD14 had a note threatening to kill her put in her school locker on the same day she had a threatening email from a girl. Handwriting gave them away though. I was round to both mums' houses before I even had chance to take it in. One mother - mortified, furious, glad we brought it to her attention directly, grounded the girl, made her write note of apology etc. Other mum? "Oh I wish you'd just taken it to the school so they could deal with her".

You just can't tell how people will react.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 26/01/2017 20:33

Teacher. Going to the parent is a bit of a stupid thing to do, there will be the ones who won't take it well. Do you really want a screaming match in the playground? If a parent approached me, I'd be really pissed off as they weren't there and children don't always get things completely right and will miss out crucial details.

Reality16 · 26/01/2017 20:34

I would always see the school and never approach another parent. Going up to someone in the playground and accusing their child of something will never be well received.

I am slightly perplexed that you say always as if it's a common thing? How many issues is your child having? What kind of thing do you mean? Things happen between kids, they fall out all the time, unless something serious is going in it's often better left alone. My 7yo falls out wth her best friend al it's weekly, it's not an issue I would bring to the other parent or the school though.

Chippednailvarnishing · 26/01/2017 20:37

I was thinking that parents are responsible for their children wherever they are and should know significant things

And where do you find out "significant things"? From your DC I'm guessing, which means you're approaching them with your DC's version of events.

NataliaOsipova · 26/01/2017 20:41

I think it depends on how well you know the other parent and how serious it is. You know them very well and it's something relatively minor? Then it's bloody rude that you complain about his/her child behind his/her back without the decency of a heads up. And a heads up needn't be accusatory, just a "Do you know if there's been a falling out between x and y? I think I'm going to ask Mrs X about it."

You don't know them at all? Then fair enough just to go straight to the teacher. FOr what it's worth, my teacher friend agrees with this and finds it awful having to call in two parents who are friendly up to that point to tell them that one of them has complained about the other's child.

harderandharder2breathe · 26/01/2017 20:43

I think the teacher unless it's a parent you know well. If you approach the parent it can sound like you are accusing their child even if you frame it as trying to find out the other side to the story, people can get defensive

Children often get the wrong end of the stick, misunderstand, and misremember things, plus the times they tell little fibs to avoid getting in trouble

LyndaLaHughes · 26/01/2017 20:44

I'm a teacher and we always ask parents to come to us and it usually causes untold issues when parents approach one another. To the person who questioned this being school policy this is correct. We will always say to parents that any issue should come to us to deal with. I certainly don't know of any school who would say otherwise. We are able to investigate impartially and take appropriate steps to resolve.
If you had ever had to witness or deal with the fallout of parents approaching one another you would realise very quickly why this is the correct approach.

paxillin · 26/01/2017 20:46

Reality16 is making a good point. You say you always try to speak to the parents, is your DC systematically bullied? By several different children? Are these serious incidents if unrelated? Racism perhaps or have they been physically attacked or are always excluded? Or are you trying to confront parents over non-invitations to a party, childish arguments or broken off friendships?

If it happens a lot, think about the seriousness. If really serious, get everyone involved (teacher, family liaison officer, headteacher if you need to). If not, lower the threshold at which you intervene, micromanaging their every social interaction might leave them isolated in the long run.

Brighteyes27 · 26/01/2017 20:51

It depends what it is/was if it happens inside school or outside of school and on the age of the child etc.

In Secondary School if it happens outside of school they don't want to know unless it badly impacts on the learning of a child. If it's in school - school. I wouldn't go into school or contact school too much as if school handle it badly it may make things worse.

dementedpixie · 26/01/2017 21:10

Our school newsletters always say not to approach another parent but to go through the school first

jmh740 · 26/01/2017 21:14

I would always go to the teacher first. It rarely ends well for the parent or the child if people try to confront the other parent. I kind of thought this was the general school etiquette.

Scholes34 · 26/01/2017 21:51

The only time a parent approached me direct when the kids were in primary school, it was to tell me tht DS1 had threatened to beat up her DS (two years younger). Was quite surprised, not the kind of thing he'd do (not even to DS2, two years younger) and certainly not the kind of language he would have used at the time. When I spoke to him, what he'd actually said was "I'm going to beat you", when they were racing on scooters.

Before going to the other parent direct, how sure can you be of your DC's version of events?

Original poster
YesAnastasia · 26/01/2017 22:30

I've read all of this. Both my children are on the autistic spectrum. DS1 is diagnosed and really struggles with (every thing but when it comes to specific impact on others) social situations that the teachers & parents rarely understand so I try to explain to parents what is happening and what their child may be doing - inadvertently sometimes - to unsettle mine. This has always worked out well and almost all of the parents in that class are friends now.

DS2 is not diagnosed and find situations a lot easier than DS1 but he still struggles to communicate, make friends and navigate social situations. I have never had cause to get involved with anything for DS2 EXCEPT with the same parent as this issue. Things were dealt with well last time & the outcome was great. I have approached the same parent again this time - by text - asking him to speak to his DS to see what he said about a certain situation. They rang me up. It didn't go well so I thought I'd ask here because this is a different child/circumstance and I'm perhaps doing it wrong for a perceived 'NT' child..?

Seems like I am. I will probably apologise to the parents of the other child tomorrow & go to see the teacher. And go to see the teacher from now on I guess...

FWIW I still like to know exactly what's happening with my DC from the other parents, I KNOW I am better at communicating with my children than the staff are but I think that's because of their difficulties.

OP posts:
Original poster
YesAnastasia · 26/01/2017 22:32

Before going to the other parent direct, how sure can you be of your DC's version of events? scholes

I just can. 100%. But I didn't say that to the parent, I just asked if he'd have a conversation with his child about it.

OP posts:
Amaried · 26/01/2017 22:41

Always the teacher. It's a official rule in our school.. think yabu

TheSnowFairy · 26/01/2017 22:47

Before going to the other parent direct, how sure can you be of your DC's version of events? I just can. 100%

But what if the other parent feels that way about their DC?

Original poster
YesAnastasia · 26/01/2017 22:47

Maybe it is at ours but the parents don't know that.

And I've just read the policy. Still isn't clear.

OP posts:
RainbowChasing · 26/01/2017 22:50

Always go through the teacher. I have seen some horrendous fallings out between parents because one approached the other. It's not worth the potential aggro and upset to approach the parent first. Your child's version of events may be completely different to the other child's and it looks patronising/condescending to approach another child's parents to inform them that their child has done something wrong and they need a talking to without having some kind of idea about what the actual situation is. It's also catching the other parent off guard which again can cause issues if a parent apologises for their child but then discovers that your child actually started the problem and their child retaliated. There are two sides to every story and the teacher is more likely going to know those two sides than you who has only spoken to your child.

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