About people patting baby's bum?

[Laralouie]

I've got an 18 month old baby. My second so I'm not being pfb.

My inlaws keep patting/slapping his bum quite hard. I really don't like it. They're not hitting him they're being playful but I just want to say "stop".

I know babies bums are cute in their nappies, I get that, it's just they do it quite hard, and often, mil especially and I just don't want people constantly touching his bum unnecessarily.

It makes me cringe. Mil has done it a couple of times to older, school age child although far less often.

I asked dh to gently ask them not to but he hasn't.

But it's not a stranger, it's the child's grandmother!

Oh crikey. I'd not like that either. I'd not like anyone laying a hand on my child - even if it is through a nappy and done with affection.

What if she missed and clobbered his poor little legs?

Nope. Husband needs to say 'that's enough of that, Mum.'

I particularly like the PP that said 'it makes a right old mess in his nappy'!

Bertrand: That isn't the point. You said it was about the child and whether he was happy, but actually it turns out you think it is about the relationship of the adult to the child as well. And you are correct, of course. The fact that the child's grandmother is the one doing it makes it different than if it were a stranger. BUT the primary relationship is with the parents, so if the parents are unhappy with what other relatives are doing, that takes precedence.

Polly I also do this to the dog and he wags his tail with joy.

As does mine.

No- I think that other family members have the right to form their own relationship with the child- obviouslybarring anything harmful. If there's a good reason to step in, then step in, quickly but firmly. If there isn't a good reason, step back, biting your tongue if necessary. The more loving relationships in a child's life the better. And they will all be different. That's a good thing for a child to learn too. People do things different ways. Always with the caveat-is the child happy.

Bertrand: They don't have that right. Their relationships with the child are mediated/facilitated by the parents. In this case it is a good relationship, which is great, but that doesn't make it okay for the GPs to ignore the parents.

I do this to my 18 month old and my four year old!

Their bums are just so tiny and cute, I could squish them all day!

Don't say anything. Life's too short to sweat the small stuff.
The words 'invading babies personal space' bloody nonesense.

I agree invading his space does sound silly now. Mumsnet can be good for perspective.

Please don't think I'm being weird about his bum because I think there's anything untoward because I don't think that.

I just can't see the need for them to keep doing this to him. It looks really annoying and mil actually looks like she's smacking him, it makes a horrible noise and it makes me cringe.

But I take all the points on board that if the baby was distressed he'd show it.

There is something just so gorgeous about babies squidgy legs and bum. I'm terrible for grabbing his fat little thighs and making him laugh so I do understand why your inlaws might be doing it but I can also see why you don't like it.

I know honestly I could eat him up, legs, bum the lot. Maybe I'm just being mean, I wish if she must do it she'd be much gentler.

I am quite funny about my own space, I'm really affectionate with dh and the dcs but I hate it when people grab me and kiss me or anything like that, and I'm not huggy with other people, so perhaps this is why I feel this way.

Probably, OP. It is normal to project your feelings on to your children, as you are so close to and have so much empathy with them. So if you don't like to be grabbed or patted you may assume that is also he case for your DS, but rest assured he will make his displeasure known if they are hurting or annoying him! That said, you are still totally within your rights to tell them to stop purely on the basis that you don't like it.

If I genuinely thought someone was hurting my child I would step in straight away. I really don't understand why you haven't said something if you truly belive this is the case.
Or if it's just the fact that you don't like it just have a quiet word. "I know you're just trying to show affection but I just personally don't like people doing it" or whatever.

I am wondering what you would make of me and my youngest (age 9)...his bum is still lovely! He runs up to me, smacks my bum and then runs off so i chase him and grab his (i may sometimes also be shouting 'squidgy bum squidgy bum')

I wouldn't think anything queen as it's up to you but would your ds grandmother and grandfather squidge his bum?

"If I genuinely thought someone was hurting my child I would step in straight away. I really don't understand why you haven't said something if you truly belive this is the case."

She has specifically said this is not the case. I asked.

If you really hate it that much and want her to stop tell her he has very sore nappy rash atm and you don't want it aggravating further.

That way she should stop and you won't hurt her feelings.

That's right I can't honestly say she's hurting him through his nappy, but she is 'patting' way harder than I would ever do and that I'm comfortable with.

That's a good idea saying he's got nappy rash so to be careful.

Typing it out and reading replies on balance I'm being silly, but I can't explain I strongly dislike it. I used to get irritated by the arm dangling, she'd keep walking him up and down, he didn't want to do was just dangling by his arms. Looked so uncomfortable and I did say just let him walk when he's ready.

You sound quite possessive of your DS, OP. Would you say that's fair? I am not criticising you. If you don't like it and can't explain, that might be why.

I wouldn't let someone do that to one of my children either and the arm dangle thing would have also provoked a 'please do not do that again' from me.

Ive never really understood the whole we are going to just guess it's not to hard thing.
Both parents in the room think it was to hard, the op has said without a nappy it would be likely to leave a mark.
Based on that info I'm not going to decide in my own head that it must be like the very gentle pats other people are talking about.

Small children who have been trained to accept certain behaviours will often not respond to them.

Honestly I don't think I'm possessive of either of my dc. Maybe protective but not possessive.

I mean their dad parents equally with no problems, he goes to nursery with no problems, I'm not generally getting irritated by other people. I love it when friends and family hold him and play with him, but I've never known anyone else to keep slapping him on the bum.

I don't like it because it's too hard, it makes a horrible slapping noise, it's completely unnecessary for grandparents to constantly do this.

Ok he's a baby and so probably doesn't care, but she has occasionally patted my older child's bum, he doesn't like it, he's had to ask for privacy to get changed before and things like that, it's a very difficult thing to mention without sounding like you're accusing them.

Other thing I haven't mentioned. Dh agreed she was patting too hard. Basically ds1 stated slapping ds2 on the bum, only very gently, dh snapped at ds1 and mumbled "ffs will everyone just leave his bum alone poor thing must be sick of everyone smacking his arse", but he still hasn't asked his parents to stop.

OP, I think the suggestion above from TheChosenOne is a good one, i.e.

"I find being sarcastic can help get a message across. Something along the lines of 'bloody hell, are you sure that's hard enough??!' She might apologise and realise not to do it again or if she replies with something else this still gives you the opportunity to be more direct and say you would be more comfortable with her being gentler. I don't see what she could possibly say against that other than apologise."

Do you think that would work with your MIL?

I'm not sure, in laws are very po faced, it would be better coming from dh. I think she'd just get offended if I said that.

The nappy rash one would probably work.

"MIL- can I ask you to try to stop doing that- his big brother is starting to copy you and we don't want him doing it at school"

My family have form for doing this as a sign of affection, pretty hard, and one day at primary school mucking about in the playground I did it to a friend, thinking nothing of it, this was a sign of affection etc.

I got such a bollocking from a teacher who saw me, how wrong it was to smack your friends and a lecture on how wrong my family were when I protested.

I don't think they ever mentioned it to my parents (I don't think she believe me tbh) but it did make me question what things my family were doing that wouldn't be seen as appropriate by anyone else.

Perhaps you could consider what this behaviour is teaching your DC - you've already said DS1 has mimicked the behaviour - what if DS2 whacks another child at toddler group or pre school?

(I have done gentle bum pats with my DS but made it clear it a family game and it's not appropriate for anyone outside of the family to do it, nor is it appropriate for him to do it to anyone not in the family. Tbh he prefers to 'wobble' our wobbly bits anyway! )