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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do you lend money to friends?

78 replies

MadJeffBarn · 25/01/2017 20:43

A very close friend of mine has asked to borrow £50 until Tuesday. I've never lent money to her, so have no idea if she'll be able to pay it back, and it is a substantial amount of money to me. But I agreed because she's recently single and struggling with three children to feed. I just know money can break the strongest of relationships so it always makes me feel slightly uncomfortable. So do you lend? Has it ever gotten in the way of a friendship? Do you have limits on how much you would lend?

OP posts:

extrabiotin · 25/01/2017 22:14

Yes I have helped.

But would never give cash.

I expect to be paid back but in reality write it off. But my help would always be to to pay a bill or two, and/or pay for an online shop.

RubyWinterstorm · 25/01/2017 22:18

Only lend if you can afford to lose it

Cantgetmyoldnameback · 25/01/2017 22:22

A good friend of ours was going through difficult times a few years ago, problems with work and housing. He didn't ask for a loan, I offered, a few times in fact before he accepted my offer of £500. He always assured me he would pay me back when he could - I told him I was in no hurry and I decided that I wouldn't have had a problem losing the money if he hadn't paid it back ( he would never have accepted a gift, hence my offer of a loan). It took him a good few months but I got my money back, in two instalments.

CatchTheRainbow · 25/01/2017 22:32

I do find one of my friends very cheeky. She had no money so I said I would lend her some for the cinema ... I bought tickets, dinner, snacks for the film.

Instead of paying me back she said she would pay next time. Well it's now been the next time and all she did was buy tickets.

She does this a lot and I feel like a massive mug for it.

Ohdearducks · 25/01/2017 22:35

I will give if someone needs and it's not silly money, so far my friends family have always offered back. Sometimes I will take it back if I really need it but most of the time I tell them to keep it.

melj1213 · 25/01/2017 22:37

I will always lend to my friends if I am able, but I never lend more than I can afford to write off, even if the friend asking is one I trust to repay it straight away.

If it's small sums (like less than £5/10) I will usually just write it off or couch it in terms of "Here's that £10, you can get the coffee/dinner/drinks in next time" or whatever rather than waiting for cold hard cash.

I do have a system that I will happily lend to you, but you have to pay me back before I lend to you again. It stops the cycle of "lending" lots of little amounts that you never get back but is actually a significant amount of money when you tot it all up or "lending" money that is never returned and is lost in the cycle of lending even more.

I also agree a payment plan up front - so if it's £50 till payday next week, or if it's £100 and they're going to pay it back in full, in 2x£50 installments or in 4x£25 or whatever, that way we're both clear on the expectations - and they can be upfront if they need to borrow it but can't promise to be able to pay the entire sum back in one go.

I do have to admit, my friends and I are pretty relaxed about this kind of thing - like I have just bought tickets to a play my friend (SAHM with irregular part time hours) and I want to see next year. The tickets were £150 each and I booked them on my card because I can more afford to be out the £300 and my friend will pay me back her share as and when she does any hours and has spare cash. She will have paid me back before we go but can't guarantee whether it will take 2 months, 10 months or the entire 14 months up to the trip. The same goes for when we book the hotel/trains - I will probably put it on my card and she will pay her share as and when she can.

FairModerateGood · 26/01/2017 05:59

Never hand over money with the expectation of getting it back. You don't lend money, you give it. It's a bonus if it's repaid.

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 26/01/2017 06:05

I'll lend money to a couple of close friends, never an amount we couldn't afford to lose, but I couldn't see someone stuck. We are financially ok now, but I remember well the weeks where there was too much month at the end of the money, and I know how awful it feels. We've lent £200 + to BIL, knowing we won't get it back, but they had no gas/electric and their kids were hungry. Another close friend usually asks for £10 most months because she's totally skint and I don't push for it back, because she gives what she can in other ways, she's generous with her time and does a lot for me and my kids when DP is working long hours.

40somethingwonderful · 26/01/2017 06:37

I learnt the hard way too. It started off £5 here and then and she always paid it back. Then she asked for £100. 3 years later and I still haven't had it back. It was excuses after excuses before she suddenly moved one day. Now I don't lend money.

SansComic · 26/01/2017 06:42

I have a couple of times. Once was a significant amount. We got it back the next day. They were buying a car privately and there was a problem at the bank.

The other was around £150. It would have made no difference to us but would have ruined the friendship had we had to chase it. Happily, we didn't.

I wouldn't be too comfortable lending someone money because they didn't have enough, if you see what I mean. A temporary problem at the bank suggests they can repay you when it's sorted. To buy interview clothes... that means they're short and I'd wonder how they will repay it.

NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 26/01/2017 06:56

I have, in the hundreds, a couple of times to see friends or family through with an unexpected cost until payday. I would again, happily. I have also 'lent' much smaller amounts (the sort where buying coffees next time cancels it out) more times than I can count.

Never been stung.

A friend lent me £3k once to pay for a course years and years ago, to be repaid in instalments. It was bold of her, since the bank had turned me down for a loan, but she didn't hesitate (she offered, I didn't ask) and even though I was usually struggling for money in the repayment period I never missed an instalment.

greenfolder · 26/01/2017 07:04

I have given friends money in the past but only as a gift. Not as a loan. And only in extreme circumstances. Other than that i listen and gift something rather than money. Eg at xmas ill give them amazon vouchers to help out with their presents or a present for one child to be given from them rather than me.

chipsnmayo · 26/01/2017 07:36

I lent a friend £25 once several years ago back when I could afford too, I don't think I ever got the money back (it was more of a gift though). However nowadays I'm a single mum and struggle to get to payday myself so it's never anymore than parking money or shouting the odd coffee.

00100001 · 26/01/2017 07:53

It depends on the amount and the person.
Two of my friends will never be loaned any money from me. Because the reason they struggle is because they refuse point blank to budget or make any sacrifices to stop them going into their overdraft.
So the are always meanwhile broke they are come the end of the month... Often while drinking wine and eating takeaway!

JaceLancs · 26/01/2017 07:54

Yes I do - have only been let down once and we are no longer friends as s result
I also lend money to DP (recently for 2nd hand laptop when his was stolen) DC (for car repairs tax and insurance) and DM (broken crown)
They would all help me if I needed it
The biggest problem I have is when it's small amounts I often forget that I've done it

expatinscotland · 26/01/2017 07:59

No. If I have it to give, I will. If not, I tell them the truth. 'Sorry, I don't have it to borrow.' I'd rather give 'stuff' as I'll have it - food, wash clothes, dry clothes, etc.

FrutiFlutey · 26/01/2017 08:00

Lent 20, then another 20 and then 10 to a friend in November! Not seen it back. If you can't afford to lose it don't lend it

Stormwhale · 26/01/2017 08:03

I would lend up to £20 for essentials in a crisis. I couldn't afford to lend any more than that so I don't. I wouldn't like to change the dynamics of a friendship anyway.

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 26/01/2017 08:06

As my wise old Grandad would say, 'Never a borrower, nor lender be.'

RebelandaStunner · 26/01/2017 08:08

Nobody ever asks me and I wouldn't them. All of my friends have enough money anyway. I don't know anyone skint.
If it was family and small amount I would just give it but they have savings and jobs. It never comes up.

AddToBasket · 26/01/2017 08:20

Yes, I would lend, but as everyone has said, only if I could afford not to get it back. And only if it wasn't going to affect the friendship.

Life is hard. I have spare £10s that could mean food/petrol that really make a difference. For me, that £10 might go on a round of drinks. I don't resent it.

I don't think I'd fund someone's holiday though. I think I would resent it if for some reason they couldn't pay me back and it hadn't been essential. I would take someone on holiday as a gift though, but that would be for me not them.

LunaLoveg00d · 26/01/2017 08:25

I've never been asked to lend money to friends, and have never asked to borrow any either.

Noneedforasitter · 26/01/2017 08:26

A good friend fell on very hard times, and ended up homeless. We put him up in our house, paid the deposit on a new rental flat, bought him a TV and covered the rent until his housing benefit came through (which was about 2 months). As soon as he got the back payment on the housing benefit he dropped contact. Never assume someone will pay you back.

toomuchtimereadingthreads2016 · 26/01/2017 08:45

I have lent to a friend only once; had to beg for it back over a year later when we couldn't pay our rent. They said they didn't have it. We sold our computer and I cut them off and my losses. Never spoke to them again, or got the money. Would only lend money again to two people that I can think of out of all my friends and acquaintances.

DH has equally lent to one of his two closest friends, and was equally messed around in our moment of need. Never got it back and their relationship never recovered, especially as this friend regularly goes on holidays etc so was seriously taking the piss. He continues to lend to other people where I wouldn't, but its out of his own money, and so far has always got it back since that one time. It gets on my nerves so I just ignore it and don't get invovled.

BadLad · 26/01/2017 08:47

Depends on the friend, the amount and the circumstances. Generally, though, I don't have any friends who would need to borrow from me.

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