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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

please help me

71 replies

Beth2511 · 25/01/2017 19:19

i have left an incredibly abusive relationshio with me still currently in our home with 2 year old and 3 month old.

my local social services want to move me 2 hours away which after the brutally honest police statement and the torment of 3 years of hell i honestly feel like i wont cope.

losing my kids is not an option but to stay i would need methods to keep my kids safe in the same town..

please help me see if its possible not to lose everything:(

OP posts:
Mumofttwins · 25/01/2017 20:21

Do you have support at these meetings?

Do you understand what has been said to you so far?

contractor6 · 25/01/2017 20:21

If you stay in same place will you be looking over your shoulder whole time?
Change is scary, I'm about to move away and not knowing where to take dd to groups etc and having to make new friends its really daunting even though I am super confident usually.
PM me if you want to be each others support.

lookatyourwatchnow · 25/01/2017 20:23

OP, have social services explained what their contingency is if you decline the plan to move? Is there an option to stay in your area with a safety plan in place or do they plan to escalate if you don't agree? Is there an existing child protection plan in place?

Original poster
Beth2511 · 25/01/2017 20:25

im not confident in the slightest.

he has taken my confidence, my dignity, my hapiness, my self worth and now he gets to rip me from the place i have ever known to somewhere i know no one. i was only confident enough to speak out because i had settled myself into groups and stuff here, i cant do that all again

OP posts:
Original poster
Beth2511 · 25/01/2017 20:25

lookatyourwatch

OP posts:
Original poster
Beth2511 · 25/01/2017 20:26

whoops sorry i want to ask them those questions tomorrow

OP posts:
Sparrowlegs248 · 25/01/2017 20:26

Ask about the Sanctuary scheme OP. I don't know a lot about it but it's basically a scheme to make your home safe for you. Can be small adjustment such as lock changes, tinted windows, to having a full on safe room installed.

Original poster
Beth2511 · 25/01/2017 20:27

everything imaginable he has done to me. he has left me bloody penniless and now this.
.

OP posts:
Ilovecaindingle · 25/01/2017 20:27

Your mh will improve once you are away from there. . And maybe you can make some mn friends to get you through until you can make some rl ones. Register at a Dr and ask the health visitor for some activities local for you to go to and meet other mums. Good luck. .

SouthWestmom · 25/01/2017 20:29

I don't want to be a meanie but don't PM anyone with any details op you don't know who you are communicating with. If you are in that much danger from your ex emotional support in here is great but don't give away any detail of location or personal info/kids etc.

Jellybean85 · 25/01/2017 20:30

You really need to do what they say/suggest. It won't be a decision taken lightly by them and if you refuse they will say you're not protecting your kids. I work in social care and see it a lot. It's with the best intentions but God it's brutal. You CAN do this. You've left him, you can do this and keep yourself and your babies safe
Feel free to pm for advice
Flowers

lookatyourwatchnow · 25/01/2017 20:32

OP, did you say you're meeting them tomorrow? Make sure you have all of your questions for them clear in your head.

Do you know why social services believe that you moving out of the area is more in your children's interests than staying at the family home with, say:

  • treat as urgent police marker
  • panic alarm
  • schedule of expectations within which you agree to contact the police should he turn up
  • no contact between him and the children without the agreement of social services
  • domestic abuse advocate
  • non molestation order
  • safety plan in place re nursery

Do social services believe that the risk from him supersedes any safety planning in your area?

Rixera · 25/01/2017 20:33

If the only place you have ever known has lead to this, will it really be so bad to change your life?

I know it is terrifying and telling is terrifying. I'm in a similar situation in that SS are making me report my family and it's so scary. That feeling of losing everything. But if 'everything' has been a bit shit...

You're making room for new opportunities. No reminders of the bad times, the things you've fought with. There will always be more baby groups, more clubs, and MN will still be here no matter where you move. But your kids will be free from the danger of their home, not just in a practical way but from all the stress it reminds them of.

I know it's horrible, but it will work out so much better than keeping everything like it was.

AshesandDust · 25/01/2017 20:34

It's so unfair that you are being forced to move OP, but please have faith in yourself. This is the home stretch now and you'll be able to breath a little easier once it's done. For you Flowers

DJBaggySmalls · 25/01/2017 20:35

Beth2511 Contact Womens Aid and ask them for legal advice.
If you agree to move, make SS sign an affadavit that they wont give him your new address and put it at the top of your file.

Gymnopedies · 25/01/2017 20:36

Is there any other area you could move to and where you would be more confident?

alitee36 · 25/01/2017 20:41

Can you speak to a solicitor tomorrow for some legal advice about your options? Having someone to talk to might just help you. They could also speak to the social worker on your behalf to see what help and support can be given to you. Is there a women's refuge in the area where you live that you could stay at for a while rather than moving away now?

Original poster
Beth2511 · 25/01/2017 20:42

the only area would be 400 miles away but my grandparents are there.

im sorry for sounding so pathetic, i just dont know how i will cope

OP posts:
Original poster
Beth2511 · 25/01/2017 20:43

they are all full, which is pretty sickening really that it takes 2 hours distance to find a space there are that many people in the same boat.

OP posts:
Rixera · 25/01/2017 20:43

I don't think you sound pathetic, I think you sound stressed.

If you know where they will move you, is it possible to start looking at local baby groups and things to have an idea of what you can attend there?

embo1 · 25/01/2017 20:44

Do you think you will get your life back if you stay when you will always be looking over your shoulder? It may be the only place you've ever known, but it's not right for you or your children anymore. You will get your confidence back once you are safe and you can build a new life for yourself.
I would move further if it meant safety and freedom for me and my kids.

3littlebadgers · 25/01/2017 20:45

Op, it happened to two of my friends.

They were taken by ss to a women's refuge and housed there, given suppor and help getting the children into school. They weren't alone as there were other women and children in the same position. They had sessions and outings for the children.

Then once they were more settled they were given help finding somewhere to live independently and a budget to buy furniture and white goods.

One of my friend's in your position was encouraged to join a college course, childcare was arranged for her youngest and now she has started a career in education, has learned to drive, and has so many friends she has met in her new life. The children are happier than ever, and so is she.

It seems scary now, it was for them too, but they never look back Flowers

bloodyteenagers · 25/01/2017 20:45

For sanctuary not to be offered means this is extremely serious. However, even with sanctuary and having an alert on your
Home is horrible.
Imagine living in fear, with someone pounding on your door kicking it in. The kids screaming because they are scared and you have to deal with this whilst you wait for the police. Busy time for the night and you can have hundred markers, but if no one is available there's no one available. By the time someone is there it can be too late.

Then the constant looking over your shoulder. The marker only works in your one not when your on your way home from Tesco with the shopping.

You can have injunctions coming out of your ears, it's not a magic bubble that cloaks you in some invisibility cloak.

You would also need to convince a judge to take some of his rights away to stop him from simply going to school to take the kids.

I really wish before people suggest the op stays they wake up and realise the danger this puts her and the children in. She's been told to move for valid reasons

A pp is correct don't go and pm people.you don't know us. We could be anyone including the person you are being told to flee. And before people start protesting this has happened before, some older members will remember this.

Op I know it's scary the thought of moving away from everyone you know and love. This is your fresh start. Your way to break free from him. You feel low at the moment and it all feels overwhelming but this will pass. You will gain your confidence and everything back. Some of it may surprise you how quick you 'recover' from this. You won't be alone forever because you will make new friends and new happier memories. Be strong and listen to the professionals.

Original poster
Beth2511 · 25/01/2017 20:46

i know the county, but its a big place and i didnt even know where it was until i googled!

OP posts:
alitee36 · 25/01/2017 20:54

You're not pathetic, you're in a horrible situation and it's not your fault. Speak to women's aid 0808 2000 247 or look at womensaid.org.uk. They can talk to you about help and support that is available. You can ring them now. Speak to a solicitor tomorrow, find someone who deals with family law involving social services and they can talk through your options with you. Legal aid is available for advice about this, depending on your income. There might be other options available besides moving but you need to talk to someone for some legal advice. They'll help you and be sympathetic, they won't judge you and they'll understand that it's really scary for you.