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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Difficult Friend

55 replies

Cackleberry4 · 24/01/2017 17:17

We have been friends for nearly twenty years. She is a high achiever where as I have only ever wanted to have a role that brought me satisfaction and personal reward, I'm not a glory or money hunter.

Over time it has become apparent that she considered us to be closer friends than I ever considered us to be, we have never been fully compatible in my eyes but she can be OK in small doses.

She has always been persistent in wanting to meet up, more frequently than I may have liked, but I go along with it. Every single time she is late, I cannot be doing with tardiness, and if were a business meeting she would be on time.

Recently I have been unwell and hospitalised, she wanted to meet up before she went on an extended overseas trip. I was given a window of opportunity and made some suggestions, she responded with can't do x, y or z. I then went into hospital and emailed explaining the situation, she emailed me back wanting to visit in hospital (I loathe hospital visitors) or to come to my home when I was discharged (when I'd be recuperating and the burden of visitors would be unbearable).

In the end we couldn't meet before she departed and I sent her an email wishing her well for her secondment and explained that I was sorry that we hadn't met up but I had been really quite unwell (5 days in hospital isn't trivial) and I had felt a little badgered by her persistence.

I have heard nothing since.

So, WIBU?

OP posts:

BlondieFod · 24/01/2017 17:49

I think, due to the fact that you're asking a load of strangers whether you were unreasonable, you obviously do care for this woman to some degree.

We don't know her personally so can't comment on her being a glory or money hunter but it doesn't make her a bad person for putting her career/success above everything else. I have plenty of friends like this and fair enough, we don't have a thousand things in common anymore but they still care for me and I care for them and we get along just fine.

I think, possibly, she was just really wanting to see you and was struggling to juggle her time. She obviously cares for you and wasn't to know that you're not keen on hospital visitors.

Perhaps using the term badgering was a little harsh. You may have felt badgered at the time but she thought that you wanted to see her too and she was trying to make it work.

If I were you, if you do feel anything for this woman and would like to stay in touch, I would email apologising. Say you were feeling rotten but now understand that she was just trying to be a good friend.

If you don't care to salvage the friendship, don't say anything more. She's probably quite hurt.

I will say that friends like this (the ones who push to see you despite their busy schedule... the ones who really do care) come around once in a blue moon.

Take care x

Original poster

Cackleberry4 · 24/01/2017 17:51

It's not a reverse.

It seems IABU, however after so much time of her self centredness I tipped over the edge whilst in hospital and feeling like shite. She is not one to bring a cake/packet of biscuits/put the kettle on and make US a cup of tea. I just wanted to curl up into a ball and hide under the duvet when I was discharged, not enertain guests. Getting out of bed and dressed was more than enough effort.

I'll slink away now, suitably admonished for my selfishness.

OP posts:

RebelRogue · 24/01/2017 17:52

The thing is you don't like her much,don't think you are very compatible,don't really want to meet up with her etc. So why do you care she is now out of your life?

SplendorSolis · 24/01/2017 17:53

She considers your friendship closer than you do. You've never been fully compatible. She's ok in small doses. She badgers you with her persistence. Does horrible 'me me me' things like wanting to arrange meet ups and failing that visit you in hospital.

Yeah, not sure what the problem is here, it appears you wanted to unload this clearly very 'difficult' friend and now you've done it. So what's your question again? Was there some other outcome you were hoping for here? Are we supposed to offer our Congratulations?

PopcornBits · 24/01/2017 17:54

She's difficult because you gave her options and she said no to all of them but apparantly it's on her terms?
You also quite bluntly say that you pretty much can't be arsed to make much effort with meeting up.

Basically you're a shit mate and you're trying to blame her for it.

TheMysteriousJackelope · 24/01/2017 17:58

Your friend thinks she has been pestering you and driving you to distraction. She will not contact you again. She is waiting for you to contact her.

One of my pet dreads is that I am boring people or forcing my company on them. If I got a note using the words 'badgered by your persistence' I'd feel terrible. There is no way I would contact the person sending such a note as it could be construed as more 'badgering'.

It's now up to you whether you want to continue the friendship or let it fade out quickly.

Branleuse · 24/01/2017 17:58

i wouldnt worry about it. You dont like her that much, and now youre not hearing from her. Job done. Friendships do end sometimes

SenseiWoo · 24/01/2017 18:00

I have no idea which of you is being unreasonable or even if anyone is. What is clear is that the friendship has been a trial to you for ages. In which case it is better ended, even if you are a bit uneasy over how that came about.

OzzieFem · 24/01/2017 18:06

Every single time she is late. I was given a window of opportunity and made some suggestions, she responded with can't do x, y or z. *Yep, sounds like a really caring friend. Bullshit. She thinks her time is more important than than OP's.

BarbarianMum · 24/01/2017 18:09

Where I come from it is usual for friends to make an effort to see you when you are ill. Maybe she comes from round here.

Maybe next time try and end a friendship more kindly. Or if that is not possible, more honestly.

BlondieFod · 24/01/2017 18:10

Ozzie, I have been that person who wouldn't do x, y and z. She offered alternative times/dates. It's not always possible to drop prior commitments for someone but you keep going with dates and times until you find one that works for you both. Not caring because she had other commitments... jesus. OP has said the lady has gone away for an extended period of time. Maybe her other commitments took priority.

BlondieFod · 24/01/2017 18:11

Doesn't make her a shitty person for having a life... not for lack of trying springs to mind!

GashleyCrumbTiny · 24/01/2017 18:14

I don't necessarily think YABU, I'm just not sure what you want from this thread. She isn't a good friend and you don't enjoy her company. You've given her a clear message about her behaviour and she's backed off. Isn't that what you want?

Miserylovescompany2 · 24/01/2017 18:15

What kind of reply could she of given to that email? Her silence speaks volumes.

If you had issues with her, then why didn't you address them when they arose rather than letting them niggle away at you? I can appreciate it wasn't your finest hour, but, your email was harsh and uncalled for IMHO. I'd imagine your words cut like a knife.

Lake2 · 24/01/2017 18:21

I'm sorry but you seem like the difficult friend. YABU and she's hopefully got the hint that you don't actually want her in your life

SparkleSoiree · 24/01/2017 18:23

I think most of my friends can be self-centred (aka putting their own needs first as people generally do) AND giving at the same time. She sounds like most of my friends; some arrive early, some late, sone on time, sometimes it's mostly about me, sometimes it's mostly about them, sometimes we're struggling to get a word in edgeways with each other because we have so much to catch up on. But I respect their right to be who they are and they mine, warts and all. Sometimes we even quarrel! Most of all I value them and the difference they have made to me as a person and the quality of my life, all of them.

I think you have probably hurt your friend who sounded like she was really trying to be there for you. She's probably feeling very foolish and upset now that she realises she was putting way more effort and feeling into the friendship than you were. She got your message, what more to you want?

MissLadyM · 24/01/2017 18:24

I think your 'friend' had a lucky escape. You sound horrible

Strokethefurrywall · 24/01/2017 18:27

I'm sorry, I couldn't get past the opening paragraph...

She is a high achiever where as I have only ever wanted to have a role that brought me satisfaction and personal reward, I'm not a glory or money hunter.

Anyone who is a high achiever is a glory or money hunter?? Reeeaaalllyy??

Congratulations on only ever wanting a role that brought you satisfaction and personal reward, something that clearly makes you far superior to her.

I, however, don't see how her glory and money hunting ways have any bearing on your post, and given that you essentially told her to fuck off, your shocked that this is, in fact, what she's doing?

Strokethefurrywall · 24/01/2017 18:28

you're not your

Magzmarsh · 24/01/2017 18:29

The op doesn't sound "horrible" at all. Why do people think it's ok to say stuff like that after a fairly innocuous aibu where the op herself has conceded she might be unreasonable. Sheesh.

WilburIsSomePig · 24/01/2017 18:33

I think that perhaps you are not suited to be friends. You clearly have a very low opinion of her and I think it's rather cruel of you to have led her to believe that you didn't. She is better off with friends who actually like her as a person. You may be more suited to someone who would prefer to keep you at a distance, as that appears to be the kind of friendship you offer.

I hope you're feeling better now anyway.

Cherrysoup · 24/01/2017 18:43

Did you tell her she was badgering and persistent? I mean, I get it, I do. I spent a very scary uncomfortable two weeks in hospital and banned visitors, I was in no fit state. She's probably a bit pissed off, but really, do you care?

TowerRavenSeven · 24/01/2017 18:43

From the OP's first post it doesn't sound like the friend wanted to visit her in the hospital or at home for the OP's benefit but for her own. Some wording is questionable but OP is recovering from a week in the hospital, cut her some slack.

OP if you still want to be friends maybe apologize for the badgering comment (if you even really wrote that) - I think that's why she is staying away. I hope you feel better soon.

diddl · 24/01/2017 18:47

If she is always late though, how much does she really care about Op?

If Op said that she really couldn't bear visitors in hospital & when first home, why wouldn't the friend understand that?

However if you've told her that you felt "badgered" by her, (implying that she was/is a nuisance), why would you ever expect to hear from her again?

And of course given what you feel about her, you surely won't be bothered if you don't?

PrincessNakedAsAJayBird · 24/01/2017 18:55

I think you're probably not compatible as friends- and I've inferred a bit of sanctimony regarding her job/lifestyle from you! How did you become friends? Something I'm learning as I get older is that sometimes we lose friends as time goes on and that's ok.

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