Raising a child in England being from abroad

[Octuscactus]

Well I've been living in a England for some years and my daughter just turned 12.

I'm trying to use the common sense but I'm fiding a little hard to raise my daughter to the standards I was raised.

So mothers from abroad, what's the main difference or the most difficult part for you to raise your children in England?
For me is the amount of freedom/choice you give to a young kid even if it is related to sex (pornography and sexting), or drugs.

Please let me know your thoughts I would love to hear from "protective" mothers

Op I was giving you the benefit of the doubt because your op came across as though you were having trouble with your 12 year old dabbling in porn and drinking. And you were wondering how others managed.

If it wasn't that then it does come as a bit of a kick in the teeth if you are basing everything about British parenting on a news paper article.

Ruby, Spring Awakening is very well known among young people in the form of the 2006 Broadway musical.

And look how that ended

I find that living here, It is best to be open minded about the English approach and trying to fit in, whilst retaining a few of my own cultural attitudes I find non-negotiable (ie talk openly about sex, drugs, porn, etc, and am not big on "punishments", natural consequences yes, but I don't do grounding or canceling Christmas or that sort of thing)

I'm British and I agree with all of that. But then, there are lots of things I don't really get about traditional British parenting.

OP, I think it's very hard to bring up children in a country that isn't your own. However, you're not doing yourself or your dc any favours if you assume that your way is better. There will be pros and cons on both sides. Try to take the best of both.

I think that maybe your daughter needs some new friends, they don't sound like a very good influence on her.

I am from 'abroad' (prob the country redexpat lives in) and I am raising children here. I love britain so that helps however I do find myself comparing at times but I realise it is pointless. There 'll always be things that you prefer here or there, but in the end it all evens out. Teenagers are the same everywhere.
And i agree you can do a lot of damage to you dc by not accepting the culture they are growing up in, you always have to remember this is their country and their childhood, to dismiss it is to dismiss them. More so when you compare it with a culture that does not quite exist.
I have seen friends doing it and the consequences.

I do embrace and add my own but don't we all?

One thing I do struggle with a bit is the alcohol.

Ruby def from sweden

Ruby - France or Holland?

Dd goes to college (Central London) and out of her class there is only one person who smokes and a lot don't drink.

Not all teens are into alcohol and smoking

Looking at it from a slightly different perspective.

My parents were born in the UK to Russian Jewish parents.

My brothers and I were had very 'protected' childhood/teenage. Especially me as the only girl. No friends other than family and neighbours children to play with, no sleepovers, no fri/sat nights out. Every weekend was spent with grandparents and other family. Not allowed into town on my own till I started work at 16!

So I think maybe it's not just parents from other countries but parents of different culture that may be over-protective and worried about the influence of kids from outside their own cultures.

When it came to bringing up my own DD, she was allowed to do everything i wasn't and has grown into a sensible, open-minded adult with friends from lots of different backgrounds, religions, races. I wouldn't have liked my child to grow up in the very sheltered, over-protected and un-trusting environment that I did. It made my brothers and I very fearful. I imagine there are responsible and irresponsible parents in every country/culture and hopefully if kids are brought up to question things, to look after themselves and others, they'll end up ok.

OP I wouldn't say there are different standards, as that implies some standards are higher than others, but I do agree there are different cultural norms.

I am American, my DH is British. We have just started TTC so we still have a long way to go until our children are teenagers but there are a few things that have crossed my mind. The drinking culture is one, and how it is such an integral part of dating/meeting new people. The other is the whole notion of "the tallest poppy is the first to get cut down". I want my children to be comfortable talking about their accomplishments and accepting complimenting, rather than always being self-deprecating.

If there is one difference between DH and I, it's that he has a live and let live attitude. His half-sister is 18 and he is of the mind that he should never offer advice because she's an adult. Whereas my parents will still offer me guidance even though I'm 30. Whether I take it or not is up to me. Although that could just be influence from his mother who always says her job is done once her kids hit 18. My parents will never stop 'parenting' even if sometimes I wish they would!

Uuf, I was going to say something else, but really I want my children to be comfortable talking about their accomplishments and accepting complimenting, rather than always being self-deprecating, but really user1484954966 don't go there

I understand your reasons, but don't do that, as that attitude is so taboo.

Otherwise I was going to say that a country has so many different parenting styles, that certainly the OP's post is much too broad a generalisation.

I live in Mexico City and just in the city we have a range of parenting styles from letting 14 year olds go off and get drunk in the city centre to people hold their teenagers like prisoners, and then we have the foreigners who come and make sweeping statements about 120 million Mexicans as if everyone fell out of the same mould.

But some things are indeed very inate to a culture and boasting is extremely frowned on in the British isles

You come across as incredibly snotty and rude. I wouldn't worry about drugs and sex being on your child's radar. I'd worry about friends not being on it if she thinks the way you do.

What i personally find strange, is that it is very normal that a 10yo kids can never play outside by themselves, or that 16yo's are paying rent to live at home. Oh, and very early bedtimes.

he other is the whole notion of "the tallest poppy is the first to get cut down". I want my children to be comfortable talking about their accomplishments and accepting complimenting, rather than always being self-deprecating.

stereotyping isn't useful you know! Not all Brits are self-deprecating just like not all US citizens are arrogant about their achievements.

Nataleejah eh? 16 year olds paying rent? Where has that come from?

1973?

Um... Mumsnet forums?

"I just don't give up like most mothers"

The OP also seems to think fathers are blameless. So sexist the views alongside the sweeping generalisations.

I think the self-deprecating thing js something I love about the British, and am definitely encouraging it in my kids!

To be fair, my children are 99% English, really, just with a mum who talks about sex and drugs and porn and mysogyny over dinner

OP, I find that children often culturally belong to the country they grow up im. Especially as teens, when they care more about their peers' opinions.

It's hard (and pointless?) to fight against that.

But I don't think British parenting is bad, the self- deprecation and politeness (lots more please and thank-yous than I grew up with) are something I very much rate.

I'm so paranoid of daily fail lifting quotes that this thread makes me

Oh, it also irks me that kids missing a few days of school is against the law.

Agree with Nataleejah.

Oh yy to Nateeljah.

I really like having 2 cultures. You get to pick the best of both.

Quite funny as I am also raising my kids in England being from abroad and all my country people moan about is the lack of freedom here compared to our home country! (tougher schooling, more homework, not able to walk to and from primary school, playing out unsupervised etc). It's all relative and I would say that open channels of communications with your child is the most important thing!