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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not want to give mixed messages?

45 replies

Remm89 · 24/01/2017 12:19

My wedding to my OH has been delayed significantly due to family circumstances (long story!) but thankfully everything should be going ahead in a 2 years time touch wood

Anyway…. I wanted to host a flat party in this summer so that we get the chance to see our mates despite it not being the big day. I got rota for work, saw I had one weekend free in July before the summer holidays and messaged a dozen or so mates individually explaining that would love them to come if possible.

The following morning whilst fast asleep my phone bleeps (it was on loud as I was on-call for work) and I find it is one of my mates. This is the message,….

"I think this sounds a really fun weekend and I would love to come, but I'm not comfortable being involved in group events that deliberately exclude X. She is our friend, and part of the group, and that will not change. This is really hurtful to X, and I think you would feel the same if someone else in the group was organising a weekend like this and chose to exclude you. I know I would. I hope you understand xxx"

The issue is that neither myself of my OH consider X as a friend and therefore they won't be invited to our wedding. The summer party is actually when we are going to be announcing the new wedding date and I think it would give mix messages to invite someone who then wouldn't be coming to the wedding.

What should I do? Also AIBU to be annoyed at the message my other friend sent?

Thoughts welcomed xx

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 24/01/2017 12:22

When you say you don't consider them as a friend is this because you don't know the person well enough or because there is so,e bad blood there.?

SparkleShinyGlitter · 24/01/2017 12:23

Weird!

Is she 10? I can honestly say as an adult I've never stamped my feet because x who is my friend but not the hosts isn't invited. The fact of adulthood is some people just get on better with some people than others and not everyone can be invited.

If this person didn't invite you and your DH would you feel offended and moan to anyone that would listen ? If you would offer her a PITY invite. Otherwise leave things as they are

Pinkheart5915 · 24/01/2017 12:26

So has this person gone crying to your other friend as she isn't invited? Or is your friend just assuming x is crying in to her pillow? I wouldn't attend somebody's party if I knew it was a pity invite I mean why would anyone

I find the whole thing weird and I wouldn't be suddenly inviting her! I am an adult and would of made the decision to not invite her and my other friend would have to suck it up

Original poster

Remm89 · 24/01/2017 12:29

I wouldn't give it a second thought if I wasn't invited to party or night out organised by X. I see her on Facebook out fairly frequently, sometimes even with mutual friends, when I wasn't invited along and not been upset about it.

The issue is the girl X went to university with some of my other mates so we are concerned part of the same circle even though there's no friendship present.

OP posts:

Original poster

Remm89 · 24/01/2017 12:30

** considered even

OP posts:

alwaysthepessimist · 24/01/2017 12:34

I would go back & say that you are sorry that they feel this way but you do not consider X to be a friend in the same way that they do and they will not be receiving a wedding invitation. Make it clear that you would still like your friend to come along and leave it at that - they sound pretty petty tbh

JustSpeakSense · 24/01/2017 12:42

I think it's important you respond to you friends message and make the following points very clear:

You don't dislike or have anything against her friend X, you are sure she is a lovely person and that is why your friend is friends with her,

However,

This person X is not actually one of your (or your DF's) friends and therefore she has not been invited.

You did not specifically mean to exclude X and you feel terrible that her feelings have been hurt, however, it would be impossible to include 'friends of friends' to all events so you choose rather to only invite YOUR own friends to get together organised by YOU.

RortyCrankle · 24/01/2017 14:28

Your friend is being ridiculous - why should you invite X just because she is known by some of your friends? I hope you aren't thinking of doing so. I would reply: ' We know that X is one of your friends but she is not one of ours, which is why she has not been invited to our party. Hope we will see you in July, please let us know if you can come.'

Nothanksdear · 24/01/2017 14:33

How odd. People can be weird.

harderandharder2breathe · 24/01/2017 14:44

She sounds about 8

Yanbu to only invite your actual friends

TheNaze73 · 24/01/2017 14:46

She's sounds like a proper wrong un'

ParadiseCity · 24/01/2017 14:46

I think it's odd to have someone in your friendship group and not be friends with them. Clearly you have lots of mutual friends. They are probably a really nice person. Why don't you just be friends with them too?!

FWIW I don't think anyone is going to be that bothered about the party being linked to the wedding as it is when you are announcing the date. Wedding date only really matters to the bride and groom. No one else will be all that fussed in the revelation of a two years away date. My advice is just have a fun party and don't stress about it.

user1484317265 · 24/01/2017 14:49

Just text her back and say something like " I have no idea what you are talking about, X is not my friend. I am not excluding her in any way, I am simply inviting my friends to my party. If you feel like you can only attend events where X is present, we'll miss you at the party. Hope to see you soon"

WannaBe · 24/01/2017 14:50

Unless you have actually fallen out with X I would invite her.

TBH while I do think the other friend is being a bit petty, I also think that having a party to announce a future wedding date is bloody weird and self indulgent. Nobody actually cares other than the bride and groom, so I would bin the idea of a wedding announcement, invite X given she does seem to be a member of your social circle, and then just have a decent party.

Isadora2007 · 24/01/2017 14:53

You're announcing a date two YEARS in advance? Erm okay... that's a bit weird.
Really no one cares that much. Only you. The friend sound equally weird that she hasn't noticed X isn't even your actual friend? It's all a bit odd. If you hadn't mentioned a flat I'd assume the reason you couldn't marry for two years would be due to you being 14...

You all sound like you enjoy drama.

hazelnutlatte · 24/01/2017 14:53

Your friend sounds really childish, adults are not generally part of a fixed friendship group!
I know a couple of women who are close friends with a number of my friends. I see these women at our mutual friends birthdays, parties etc and I get on fine with them, but I don't know them well enough to invite them to gatherings I am hosting. No one has a problem with this and I don't get upset when I see our mutual friends on nights out that I haven't been invited to!

Original poster

Remm89 · 24/01/2017 14:59

Probably should explain a bit more as think there have been some crossed wires. We are having the party mainly to give us the chance to update our closest mates what has been going on. Initially we were planning to get married this Summer but its not worked out.

We have set the date already and its 2 years from now so in July it will be 18 months away. Ok I know some people think that might be still too early to do 'save the date' but I just wanted to make sure our closest friends know. A couple of them live overseas but are very keen on attending so this way they can book the cheapest possible flights.

Maybe I will invite her to the party then. I just think it will be awkward when she doesn't get invited to the wedding itself but it sounds like most you think that would be better.

OP posts:

PimplyPup · 24/01/2017 14:59

The arranging in January a party for a July date, in order to announce, at said party, a wedding date in two years time, is what sticks out to me as weird in this. Are you normally so elaborate about things, OP?

Why not just (a) have a party and (b) invite people to your wedding as two entirely separate things? That way you can invite who you like to both events, without worrying about 'mixed messages'.

KateDaniels2 · 24/01/2017 15:02

Your friend is bu.

But also you are. As pp said organising a party in January for july, to announce you are getting married in two years?

Without being awful i cant imagine many of your friends will share your excitment about something happening in two years.

Dogivemeabreak · 24/01/2017 15:04

How weird. Who has to have a save the date party? Is it in Maui?

Nocabbageinmyeye · 24/01/2017 15:06

I think this whole thing is weird tbh, even with the biggest of weddings announcing the date is never a thing and not a big deal so I think you may be disappointed when you make your announcement and there is no hoopla and people are about there being a party to announce it. I also think your friends message is weird and i would tell her so too BUT I would just plough on with my non wedding related summer party and invite whoever I liked irrespective of whether or not they would be invited to the wedding I hoped to have in two years time, there as no mixed messages and you are both over thinking this

sonyaya · 24/01/2017 15:07

I agree with pimplypup to just keep the house party and the wedding invitations separate. Nothing weird at all about inviting someone to a party and then not inviting them to your wedding.

I think your friend's text was pathetic, but in fairness to her I imagine she hasn't made the link between a house party invitation and being a wedding guest.

When you say you are announcing the bee wedding date, do you mean literally calling for quiet and making an announcement? Honestly, I wouldn't do that anyway if so.

Plus those you will want to invite to your wedding might be different by the time sending invitations comes round.

PollytheDolly · 24/01/2017 15:07

Your wedding, your party, your rules.

Original poster

Remm89 · 24/01/2017 15:08

I know it is weird I agree.

It's more of a celebration tbh - my OH has been seriously unwell and we want to celebrate at roughly the time the wedding should have been. I work 7/10 weekends and have other weddings earlier in the year on the weekends I am free so it worked out as July.

I know it's all a bit unusual but personally I didn't think 18 months was too early for a save date. I've received them up to 2 years in advance for close friends and cousins.

OP posts:

ParadiseCity · 24/01/2017 15:11

Surely if you postpone a wedding for 2 years you tell your closest friends as things develop rather than 'reveal why' at a party months later?

Ie 'oh we unexpectedly had subsidence/FIL took ill/baby on the way/got made redundant/etc so we're getting married in 2019 instead now'

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