AIBU to not want to give mixed messages?

[Remm89]

My wedding to my OH has been delayed significantly due to family circumstances (long story!) but thankfully everything should be going ahead in a 2 years time touch wood

Anyway…. I wanted to host a flat party in this summer so that we get the chance to see our mates despite it not being the big day. I got rota for work, saw I had one weekend free in July before the summer holidays and messaged a dozen or so mates individually explaining that would love them to come if possible.

The following morning whilst fast asleep my phone bleeps (it was on loud as I was on-call for work) and I find it is one of my mates. This is the message,….

"I think this sounds a really fun weekend and I would love to come, but I'm not comfortable being involved in group events that deliberately exclude X. She is our friend, and part of the group, and that will not change. This is really hurtful to X, and I think you would feel the same if someone else in the group was organising a weekend like this and chose to exclude you. I know I would. I hope you understand xxx"

The issue is that neither myself of my OH consider X as a friend and therefore they won't be invited to our wedding. The summer party is actually when we are going to be announcing the new wedding date and I think it would give mix messages to invite someone who then wouldn't be coming to the wedding.

What should I do? Also AIBU to be annoyed at the message my other friend sent?

Thoughts welcomed xx

I think pp are saying it's better to have non wedding related party and invite her to that, I think it's the "save the date" people find weird, make no big reference to the wedding and there will be no weirdness. To be fair if your friends are abroad I am sure they already know it's not this summer or they would have been told at this stage

But your friend is still weird getting involved and dictating who invite to any event, wedding related or otherwise

I'm certainly not suggesting you invite someone who isn't a friend to a house party. Don't see anyone else suggesting it either. It's just all too difficult to fathom what the point is. Is it a celebration your OH is well? Is it a commiseration this isn't your wedding time anymore? Is it an announce the date of new wedding thing? Is it a social gathering for fun?
It's weird.

Fair enough - I just to traditional 'save the date' ones via post so there's no mixed messages.

It's celebrating that he is now well - which I am obviously extremely grateful for.

Its not meant to be a commiseration - we both want it to be a happy event looking to the future.

Sorry I'm not very good at expressing myself clearly! I am really appreciative of the advice that's been given….and also reassuring me that I'm not mad for thinking my friend's text was strange.

YANBU to not invite someone who is not a friend to a party for friends.

On the other hand, having a Save the Date party? What fresh all-dancing, all-singing Big Wedding Production in Glorious Technicolor hell is this? It's all moving too fast for me, I've only just about got my head around the concept of save the date cards/emails/fridge magnets and now we have this new and more absurdly absurd thing to be added to the whole absurd process.
I..no, I have nothing else.

It's your choice to have a party, to announce what you want at said party, and to invite who you want. If X isn't a friend, then tell your other friend this, and that is why you've not invited her. It's not about should you be announcing the wedding, which seems to be getting picked up on, weirdly.

To be honest won't you have the same issue if you invite this girl to the party and not the wedding?

I think either you need to tell your friend not to be so ridiculous or just invite her to both events. Is there a reason you're not friends with her? Do you dislike her or just never got to know her? Because if the latter why don't you just make the effort to get to know her - she's obviously part of your social circle.

OP I'm glad your OH is well, my DH has had cancer and I know what it's like when a loved one is ill. So I mean the following in the nicest possible way: just have a massive Hooray He Is Better party. Stop getting yourself in a tizzy over wedding things for now and just enjoy what you have got to be happy about this year.

Be friends with this friend of a friend, she clearly wants to be your friend, and you've no reason to exclude her - give her a chance.

Happy partying.

Sorry and I meant to say - your OH probably feels bad enough for getting ill so I wouldn't make it about the delayed wedding at all, it might come across as a bit of a guilt.trip.

OP I am pleased your DP is well again! The wedding will be all the more special!

In terms of the party in July, I would reply to your mad friend saying that you were not excluding X, the two of you aren't close and you just invited friends to the party, however you think she's a lovely girl and if she would like to come along she is welcome.

Also as an aside on save the dates: never too early. You could just tell people though. I have sat with many a bride gutted they have to invite someone because they sent them a save the date 18 months ago but haven't heard from them since.
Alternatively you could only send them to your super close friends, but then don't underestimate the propensity for people to take offence when they find out they didn't get one.
My experience from looking at other people is that save the dates are more trouble than they are worth. I can't tell you now how happy I am to be 4 months out from the wedding and due to send invitations, and having a complete free reign to set the guest list based on the state of my friendships now, rather than 18 months ago when we set the date. Make sure those you love know the date but think twice about who you post official ones to.

Yeah I'll have a chat with the OH later about it all.

I have in the past tried to be friends with X but it was always me making the effort. I didn't really notice at first but after a few years I realised that she never made any effort to see me.

I have invited her to things in the past, but other the last 3 years she's either declined, rsvp'ed yes but then not attended at short notice or once attended our house warming party for less than 1 hour before leaving because she got a better offer without saying goodbye.

I'm not upset as I just thought it was pretty rude but I hope it's coming across why I don't see X as a friend.

Don't be bullied into anything by this friend. We didn't invite someone to our wedding. My friend questioned this and I explained the venue wasn't big enough and we'd exhausted the guest list and also, she'd never met my DH to be so I didn't invite her. When pushed, I said, "Fine, her and her husband can come but only if your children don't." She decided it wasn't so important then...

I think it is weird for your friend to text that! Is it too late to invite her now? Sounds like if you invite her, she might not turn up anyway, and then everyone will be happy!

Yanbu re not inviting the non friend and don't let this other friend push you into it.

A 'save the date' / wedding announcement party sounds like the opposite of fun to me (sorry).

If it's a party to celebrate your OH's health improving, that is totally different, separate thing.

"I'm not inviting friends of friends - do you think I'm made of money?!"

Would probably be my considered response!

I think it's a lovely idea. Glad your OH is well and congrats for the impending nuptials!

Congrats on the replanned wedding OP :)

I reckon you should just keep it casual and reply with something like 'Hey Y, I'm not really friends with X any more, we've invited her to our last few parties and she's not been interested so I thought she'd moved on. Do you think she'd be interested in coming? If so I'll pop her an invite this afternoon. Thanks for letting me know :)'

Ok, mixed messages here, you start off by saying it's a wedding date reveal and you don't went her to come as she's not coming to the wedding. Then you say it's not really about your wedding it's about your partners return to health. You say there is no friendship present, but works out that translates to you just don't really like her , have known her a long time, snd you wish to exclude her, which is where your other friends are struggling, as they are more inclusive.

Yes, having a party to reveal the date is unusual. Yes if you hang as one group then excluding one person in that group is often not liked by others.

But if you don't like her you don't like her, so simply text your friend back and say that and accept some may distance themselves due to it.

I don't think advance planning for a party is weird. We aways have to do this when organising things with DH's uni mates because most work weekends and would need to book time off.

If main purpose of the July party is to announce wedding date, and everyone else going to the party is going to be invited to the wedding, then I think it would be weird and a bit mean to invite this one not-really-a-friend to your July party and not invite her to the wedding. I'd stick to my guns with the friend that messaged you and not invite this other person just because she told you too.

It's irrelevant why op is having a party, she can do what she likes, not sure why so many people are calling it weird. Invite who you like op, it's your party