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Original poster

To think this is horrifically snobby

95 replies

Partyanimmal · 23/01/2017 10:12

My best friend is a social worker. He's an approved mental health professional. He's met a guy who is a lecturer.

His boyfriend kept asking if he could meet his family so he brought me along as he said there would be a 'culture clash' between his family and his partner and his family. He says himself his family are 'straight off the set of shameless'.

I'm his best friend.

He lives in a rough area and will only
Make friends with professionals as he feels he is of a 'different culture' to those who are not in a profession. There's not many professionals there so he has a single friend in the area.

He will only date men with a professional job as he says he has nothing in common with those that don't and he once dated a refuse collector and he had nothing to say to him!!!

Now I know he's not a bad guy. But this seems so snooty to me. I mean, not many people want to be friends with a dysfunctional person but that can be any class of person.

He does have a few friends from childhood who aren't professionals but they're lovely so I think once he's met someone he's fine. He s just very wary of being fri nds with anyone who isn't a professional. He's had some awful experiences in his past so that could be why.

He'd never date someone who wasn't a professional though.

It's snobby isn't it? Or am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Stonewash · 23/01/2017 12:51

This basically means they want to live somewhere where the bars serve decent beer and your car won't get broken into if you park it in the street.

I've lived in places where there are very few "young professionals" and the above are still true. It isn't unknown for middle-aged/old professionals, posh-but-broke types, decent working-class people, retired people, and those in none of the above categories, to enjoy a good beer and a relatively low crime rate Smile

I've had my car broken into a couple of times. One area was just generally "naice" and unbelievably dull, the other was renowned for being full of university students and "young professionals".

Gwenhwyfar · 23/01/2017 13:01

"Education level is more of a factor than anything else. I think a lot of people who are not educated to post graduate level feel that gap in their lives, no matter how much money they earn."

Cara, can you explain what you mean? I'm obviously not educated enough to understand it.

Gwenhwyfar · 23/01/2017 13:05

I do think it's normal for people to want to spend time with people of a similar educational level. That education doesn't have to be formal, but could be self-taught, just so that they can discuss things. I've worked in places where I had to think carefully about which words I used because quite a lot of words wouldn't be understood by those around me. I wouldn't want to be doing that in my person life with friends or a partner because I'd want to be able to speak freely.

I can think back to some embarrassing moments when an ex boyfriend was trying to have an argument with me, but using words I couldn't understand. He must have been a bit frustrated.

Wolpertinger · 23/01/2017 13:21

Try being an educated woman dating - men run for the hills at the thought you might be more educated or earn more than them.

I used to go speed dating and often it felt like we hadn't emerged from the cave. 3 minutes could feel like a lifetime as tumbleweeds went past us. Perfectly nice guys well some of them but we had absolutely nothing to talk about.

So, no I don't think it's odd that he wants to date people he has something in common with.

CaraAspen · 23/01/2017 13:22

"I can think back to some embarrassing moments when an ex boyfriend was trying to have an argument with me, but using words I couldn't understand. He must have been a bit frustrated."

Were they swear words?

justforthisthread1 · 23/01/2017 13:24

your whole thread sounds like reverse snobbery.

CaraAspen · 23/01/2017 13:25

Actually bright men are much more attractive than good looking himbos. Brain power is devastatingly attractive as are wit and confidence.

Werkzallhourz · 23/01/2017 13:30

My fil did this. He came from a large East End family and some of his siblings and neighbours were/are terrible rogues.

He decided he didn't want any of that and didn't want to be like that, so disconnected from it entirely. He chose to be friends with very different people and go into a certain line of work in a very different place. Was it snobbish? Nah, he just wanted his life to go in a different direction to that of his family and neighbours.

alltouchedout · 23/01/2017 13:32

I'm really, really not getting the comments that people with dissimilar educational backgrounds have nothing to talk about. DH and I talk about and huge variety of things. I have a Masters and he has a Level 3 vocational qualification- that doesn't stop us talking, or finding common ground.

This thread is making me very, very uncomfortable- it feels like a whole host of people trying to excuse snobbery by pretending it is something else.

Yoarchie · 23/01/2017 13:33

I wouldn't worry myself about who he dates.

Gwenhwyfar · 23/01/2017 13:51

Cara, no, not swear words. I think I would have understood by the tone if I was being sworn at!

Gwenhwyfar · 23/01/2017 13:52

"speed dating and often it felt like we hadn't emerged from the cave. 3 minutes could feel like a lifetime as tumbleweeds went past us."

Speed dating is quite unnatural though isn't it, you have to think of something to say to someone you've never met before.

Gwenhwyfar · 23/01/2017 13:56

"I'm really, really not getting the comments that people with dissimilar educational backgrounds have nothing to talk about. DH and I talk about and huge variety of things. I have a Masters and he has a Level 3 vocational qualification- that doesn't stop us talking, or finding common ground. "

Alltouched, could it be that your DH is educated, but not so much of a formal education i.e. he reads the papers, takes an interest in things?
Would you find it so easy to find common ground with someone who has no interest in the world beyond what the neighbours are up to?

What about my point about the words you use?

user1484317265 · 23/01/2017 14:06

I don't really see a problem with intellectual snobbery. It's not about qualifications at all, a lot of people have self taught, read widely etc and are intelligent and interesting without having advanced degrees.
But I don't have anything in common with people who don't read, don't have any desire to learn new things, don't have intellectual interests, and I wouldn't want to spend a lot of time with people like that.

I don't apologise for that stance. Other people can live their lives how they want, doesn't mean I have to value it.

Gwenhwyfar · 23/01/2017 14:22

I completely agree user and I also accept that many people have and will reject my friendship because I'm not as educated as them and there are certain subjects I'm not interested in learning more about.

Wolpertinger · 23/01/2017 14:26

Gwenhyfar your second post nails it.

Speed dating works quite well actually. You can spot in under 10 seonds those whose only hobby is downing 10 pints a night but are prepared to ask about other topics and show an interest, and those who well, aren't.

If me saying I like reading books or going to art galleries is met with a look of terror, or worse an insult, then it's all over. Dating can be harsh like that. You do want to meet people you have something in common with and even if they don't share all your interests, they will be able to maintain some conversation.

urbansprawl · 23/01/2017 14:27

It seems like an insecurity thing to me - I knew a few people at uni who were desperate to climb up the ranks socially, and they could be more snobby about certain things than the genuinely posh people. It's a shame (unless their family are all morally reprehensible), and probably says a lot about how class-oriented so much of English society still is.

I definitely need my partner to be my intellectual equal (if not in terms of education - not all smart people go to university). Making a rule like 'only professionals' is probably a bit simplistic/stereotypical, but I can also see how a rule like that might help to narrow down the search for somebody who's online dating, for example.

RogueStar01 · 23/01/2017 14:29

these rules on online dating though, can also mean that you miss out on some good matches by selecting only people that have the required level of education. Tbh, shared hobbies or membership of the same groups would be a better category imo.

Gwenhwyfar · 23/01/2017 14:29

Wolpertinger, people are put on the spot at speed dating. I could never do it. Maybe the people you spoke to were actually not against art galleries, but got afraid that you'd ask them a question they couldn't answer. I don't think a 5 minute (or whatever it is) conversation is enough to get a good grasp of someone's personality

Gwenhwyfar · 23/01/2017 14:41

I read a very interesting review in Saturday's Times (unfortunately behind a pay wall online) of a book called The End of Eddy, which is partly about being gay and from a 'tough' background. There are other reviews available via Google if anyone's interested.

Wolpertinger · 23/01/2017 14:42

Given this is pretty much the experience of all my female doctor friends dating, speed or otherwise, sadly I don't think so. It's about men panicking that their female date will be brighter than them or richer than them. Usual follow up to finding out you are a doctor 'are you just a GP then?' with hopeful tone of voice - no, but now you've slagged off GPs I'm not sure I want to go further.

Speed dating is actually very repetitive - everyone asks exactly the same questions, every time. Once you've done it once, it's easy. And at the end of the evening, without fail, you will have matched with the people of same educational level as you. It was depressing finding out about men. I suspect the OP's gay friend has found something similar.

Userfriendly · 23/01/2017 14:52

Education level is more of a factor than anything else. I think a lot of people who are not educated to post graduate level feel that gap in their lives, no matter how much money they earn. I doubt Steve Jobs was bothered by the fact that he was a college dropout.

Gwenhwyfar · 23/01/2017 14:56

"Tbh, shared hobbies or membership of the same groups would be a better category imo."

But if your hobby is literature or chess you're probably going to find well-educated people there so it works as a proxy for education.

Gwenhwyfar · 23/01/2017 15:00

Wolpertinger, I have a friend who says men are always put off by the fact that she's "an intellectual" and by the work she does and the fact she speaks Russian. One thing is that I'd known her for years without knowing she spoke Russian, so it's interesting that she brings it up straight away with men? Secondly, if you see the types of places she likes to hang out and the types of men she goes for, it's not surprising she's not able to find what she wants. Some people are full of contradictions.

I also have a friend who avoids any self-employed men on online dating because she thinks they're probably tradesmen. It sounds horrible and snobby, but I can see her reasoning.

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion · 23/01/2017 15:09

I don't think it's snobby for anyone to be picky about whom they date.

He might have good reasons for boyfriends not meeting his family- the whole "culture clash" running deeper than just superficial differences.

I can relate. There are things my family members do that I'm not proud of and don't like being around personally- I didn't introduce them to many boyfriends. Not unless I was sure of my relationship with the guy.

He may be an open, compassionate and professional social worker with those he works with, but doesn't want to date people like those he works with. That's fair.