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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think this is horrifically snobby

95 replies

Partyanimmal · 23/01/2017 10:12

My best friend is a social worker. He's an approved mental health professional. He's met a guy who is a lecturer.

His boyfriend kept asking if he could meet his family so he brought me along as he said there would be a 'culture clash' between his family and his partner and his family. He says himself his family are 'straight off the set of shameless'.

I'm his best friend.

He lives in a rough area and will only
Make friends with professionals as he feels he is of a 'different culture' to those who are not in a profession. There's not many professionals there so he has a single friend in the area.

He will only date men with a professional job as he says he has nothing in common with those that don't and he once dated a refuse collector and he had nothing to say to him!!!

Now I know he's not a bad guy. But this seems so snooty to me. I mean, not many people want to be friends with a dysfunctional person but that can be any class of person.

He does have a few friends from childhood who aren't professionals but they're lovely so I think once he's met someone he's fine. He s just very wary of being fri nds with anyone who isn't a professional. He's had some awful experiences in his past so that could be why.

He'd never date someone who wasn't a professional though.

It's snobby isn't it? Or am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
stopfuckingshoutingatme · 23/01/2017 11:54

YABU, he knows where he will feel more comfortable and accepted-and he tend to hang out there! as he is gay...let him off this one as I suspect there is a bot more to it than snobbery

shovetheholly · 23/01/2017 11:55

I do think it's sad that so many people have friends only inside one class. It is a very ingrained thing. I was discussing Farrow and Ball paint with the wife of a friend and I said 'None of the decorators I know like it', and she replied (smugly) 'Oh I don't employ a decorator, I do it myself'. I left it there out of politeness, but in actual fact I do my own painting too - I meant that none of my friends who are professional decorators like it, but she assumed a world in which I would only know painters as employees.

All that said, I think that there are legitimate reasons to be ashamed of family for having values that you do not hold. My grandmother was a fascist, and very loud and vocal about it in public. I wasn't ashamed of her for being working class - but I would die inside as she yelled 'THE ONLY SOCIALISM I LIKE IS NATIONAL SOCIALISM' at the top of her voice. (Both my parents are radical left). My DH is similarly ashamed of his parents for being prejudiced in a middle class way against the working class. It's not their class that's the problem, though, it's their values.

WyfOfBathe · 23/01/2017 11:56

My DH and all of my close friends have "professional" jobs (teachers, police, doctors, etc) - although they come from a variety of backgrounds. It's not that I've selected them intentionally, but it seems perhaps we can relate to each other more easily and we have more in common to talk about - even things like politics or books which aren't anything to do with our jobs.

I have friends/acquaintances who have other jobs, e.g. hair dressers, waiters, bar staff. But we've never "connected" in the same way and our lives tend to be very different.

So if I were looking for a partner, I suppose I would probably be looking for someone a "professional" type job, because that's what I'm used to.

user1484317265 · 23/01/2017 11:59

Yes he sound snobby to me; he's ashamed of his family

Maybe he has good reason to be ashamed of them.

corythatwas · 23/01/2017 12:00

Santas summed it up perfectly on p. 1:

"If the whole issue is that your friend prefers to date professional men, who he feels he has more in common with, then that is fine.

If he looks down on less educated, "rougher", people in general and makes snap judgements about people based on their income bracket or employment (or lack of) then he really shouldn't be a Social Worker."

DJBaggySmalls · 23/01/2017 12:00

Then why take people to visit them?

user1484317265 · 23/01/2017 12:02

Because they are still family. What are you struggling with exactly?

RogueStar01 · 23/01/2017 12:02

he sounds young to me. I've a similar background but now a boring MC professional with a very UMC DH and would've been the same when i was in my early 20s. You have to accept who you are to be happy, and that upbringing is part of who he is. It's fine to like educated people, but being ashamed of people that love you doesn't bode well for his self esteem in general because he's despising a bit of himself. Some therapy might be useful.

alltouchedout · 23/01/2017 12:03

I think it's snobby to dismiss the possibility of relationships or friendships with anyone who isn't a 'professional', yes.

It interests me that he feels he is of a different culture to those who do not have 'professional' jobs. I am a social worker, so he'd be OK with me, but my DH is a skilled manual worker, so would be written off by him!

I find that people can spot those like your friend- ashamed of their roots, extremely conscious of 'class', wishing only to mix with people of a certain 'class', desperate to have middle/ professional class status- a mile off. Both my parents were born into very working class families and achieved middle class status themselves through their jobs. Whilst my dad is very secure in his sense of self and has a wide mix of friends of all backgrounds and is equally comfortable in middle and working class environments, my mum is so keen to be seen as middle class that she marks herself out as someone not born to it, if that makes sense.

He needs to relax and realise that people are people and the job they do and level of education they have says nothing about their niceness (for want of a better word) and certainly nothing about their value.

user1484766714 · 23/01/2017 12:03

I am straight and I agree with him. I don't think it is just a gay thing. He may have had a bad experience. My ex was so bad about attending any work or university functions with me, he had a chip on his shoulder about academics and it meant I had to go to things alone. He was really funny when I talked about people from work. It made everything difficult. Now split up, but he is different now he is a position to attend things like this.
I would prefer to date someone who was my equal career and academic wise. I want someone I can talk about work things with, not someone that feels threatended by it.
I think as a social worker, he is also fine to have this opinion. He will deal with all sections of society and can be polite and understanding, but not want to share his life with them.
Also agree that he might have good reason to be ashamed of family.

UnexplainedOnHerCollar · 23/01/2017 12:08

He does sound like he's being a bit snobbish, but IME that can happen with people who feel they've escaped a rough background.

I have an ex-friend who considers herself to come from a really rough background and is always slagging it off and sneering at areas and people she considers rough. She married a posh public-school-educated bloke and although she's not actually a professional herself, will only mix with educated and cultured types as she sees it.

As a middle class bleeding heart liberal :o I was really shocked when she was using words like chavvy in front of her DC and encouraging them to use them! She has also snobbed about the area I live in despite it being fancier than hers by any normal standards (not that I care, but the hypocrisy annoyed me).

I think with people like this it's insecurity and worry that their "rough" roots will show, and wanting to leave it all behind them. Whereas the genuinely posh will talk to anyone as they have nothing to prove.

The sexuality issue is probably a massive compounding factor too.

RogueStar01 · 23/01/2017 12:10

the thing is, you don't have to have the same educational level user148 you just need someone that isn't chippy about who they are and is happy in themselves. Sounds like your ex wasn't a confident person.

Littleballerina · 23/01/2017 12:20

My ex hated that I was a professional. He saw us as opposites and said that it was embarrassing. His problem, not mine.
Most of my friends are professionals. I don't choose my friends because of their jobs, I suppose we just mix in the same circles and have similar lives, hobbies etc.
I don't think it's snobby.

CockacidalManiac · 23/01/2017 12:23

There was a recent deleted thread on here by a gay social worker manager when was being horrifically snobby; it's not the same bloke is it?

Frillyhorseyknickers · 23/01/2017 12:26

It isn't snobby to want to disassociate yourself with people straight off of the set of Shameless, IMO.

RogueStar for some people, it is. I'm a well educated professional in a demanding career, I spend my day dealing with complex subjects and I have an intricate knowledge and understanding regarding specific legislation and how to implement it. When I go into the pub, I can tolerate about 15minutes of mindless drivel about football, uneducated views on politics which are based on complete non truths. Whilst there is broadly no link between a person's social standing and their level of education, a direct comparison to Shameless suggests they are not Einstein.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 23/01/2017 12:26

I was discussing Farrow and Ball paint with the wife of a friend and I said 'None of the decorators I know like it', and she replied (smugly) 'Oh I don't employ a decorator, I do it myself'. I left it there out of politeness, but in actual fact I do my own painting too - I meant that none of my friends who are professional decorators like it, but she assumed a world in which I would only know painters as employees.

I think that's a bit of a reach, tbh.

If you'd made that statement on here, without knowing the first thing about you, I'd probably have assumed the same thing.

scottishdiem · 23/01/2017 12:27

I dont think its snobby in a Hyacinth Bucket type of way. More of feeling that he finds it easier to mix and be with people who are from a different background. And there can be many reasons for this, especially if there were problems in his past.

I'd say that OP was being slightly unreasonable.

Stonewash · 23/01/2017 12:28

It's noticeable how many people do tend to stick to those like themselves. I've often heard recent graduates say they're looking for a flat in an area where "there are lots of young professionals". People who want to have "a lot in common" with potential friends or say they get on with people "from a similar background"? So while some of us enjoy getting to know people from all walks of life, and privately might find it a bit insular to just stick to what you know, I don't think your friend's approach is unusual at all, just different to yours.

CockacidalManiac · 23/01/2017 12:31

Hmm. Some of the people I've met who are 'well educated' are, in reality, as thick as two short planks. I've met plenty of professionals who are as dull as ditchwater; only knowledgable about their own small world, and not interested in anything else.
It's snobbish to base your opinion of someone on their qualifications. Some of the most interesting people I know left school at 16.

user1484317265 · 23/01/2017 12:31

I've often heard recent graduates say they're looking for a flat in an area where "there are lots of young professionals

This basically means they want to live somewhere where the bars serve decent beer and your car won't get broken into if you park it in the street.

user1484766714 · 23/01/2017 12:32

Roguestar01- thanks. I think I'm just setting up rules so that I avoid all future relationships. Ex did far worse than just hate my job!
Cockacidalmaniac- Haven't read post so don't know what was said that was snobby by manager, but I guess Social workers might see the worst side of life and need to vent sometimes. They probably just need reminding that they don't get to see the better sides of large sections of society. It must be a bloody frustrating job that gives you the wrong impression about some people.

RogueStar01 · 23/01/2017 12:36

of course it can be true for some people, it's one thing I hate about online dating though, screening people out by general characteristics such as degree level is very reductionist even if it tends to be true.

RogueStar01 · 23/01/2017 12:39

of course he did user148 a bloke that huffs and puffs about going to any event where a certain category of people might be there isn't a sign of a lovely person. I hope you find someone kind. Personally I think kindness is by far the most important quality in a partner and that's not something computers can screen for!

CaraAspen · 23/01/2017 12:44

Education level is more of a factor than anything else. I think a lot of people who are not educated to post graduate level feel that gap in their lives, no matter how much money they earn.

TheFirstMrsDV · 23/01/2017 12:46

It isn't snobby to want to disassociate yourself with people straight off of the set of Shameless, IMO
You are right.
But it does depend on if you are comparing them to Shameless characters because of what they look like, where they live OR how they behave IMO.

'Shameless' can be shorthand for 'poor' or it can be shorthand for criminal and amoral.