AIBU ex demanding that I buy Biona Rye bread instead of Special K?

[waterfallrainbow]

As DS is extremely picky it can be difficult to get him to eat a good breakfast, particularly when we're rushed in the morning. DS is 12, from former relationship, father left me when I was pregnant, I have always been sole carer and have recently remarried. Last week I was ill and DH served special K every day. Then I get a text ordering me to buy Biona Rye bread instead as apparently Special K 'has almost no vitality'

I suspect it is because his father is really neurotic about food (believes microwaves destroy the energy in your food, no pork, no alcohol, no wheat, no dairy, lots of fears around food generally...

Anyway, I get these regular, peremptory texts from my ex telling me how to bring up DS (who he now takes an interest in). They are driving me mad.

I really try to feed my son properly but it is not easy as I never know what he will take against next. Latest count is, he won't eat any sauces of any description, no sweet and sour, no fruit with meat, no granola, no muesli, no eggs (his father told him he's allergic to eggs and dairy), I just can't remember it all...

It's just stressful really. Two years ago DS was verging on anorexic and refusing to eat school dinner (he claimed it was too poor quality!) so I took him to see Jane Clarke, David Beckham's nutritionist (well worth the extra fee as what small boy will ignore David Beckham's nutritionist?!) who identified that my ex wasn't giving him enough protein. She was brilliant and inspired him with tales of how Beckham can run faster when he gets his diet right, and he is eating a bit better now, but his father still feeds him rabbit food (acorns when he was three, which made him sick... lots of nettle soup... irritating photographs of gourmet organic meals from his stepmother... heaven knows what else...)

It's the rather peremptory way he phrases it that I find especially difficult... as though I was the nanny!

DH thinks I should reply with an auto text which says 'try to be a bit more relaxed about food...'

Would love some ideas... Please be gentle... feeling fragile at the moment!

Tell your ex that his obsessions with food nearly made your son anorexic and you don't appreciate him maintaining this brainwashing bullshit when he's a picky eater as it is. Add in, should you want our son to eat the same as you, add in the name of this amazing cereal, you buy it for him and send it home with him.
If he dares argue back you can say, well you took little interest in the formative years of DS's life, seeing as you're so keen now, any special foods he thinks DS needs he can buy. Otherwise you'll feed DS what you see fit, if he brainwashes him again you'll seek legal advice on the matter.
Children are impressionable, due to exes bs ways you've had to pay for a well know nutritionist. You really don't want DS getting a complex. I'm sorry your ex is such an arse.

Can we just take a moment to savour the phrase 'one picnic short of a picnic'...?

Sent my ex a stern email last night asking him not to talk about weird eating fads with DS. Today he denies mentioning breatharianism since last Easter. He also denied that DS had a sore throat yesterday. And yet his stepmother gave him strepsils. I'm always surprised when people lie, and yet he certainly does.

Long-term breatharians are known as dead people.

Your DS would probably enjoy a bowl or three of Frosties.

I'm sorry OP but this all does sound quite mad.

I would seriously consider involving SS at this point as your ex is harming your son, the harm might not be so obvious but its there in your son's anxiety about eating, in his near anorexia, and also the harm of being conflicted between loyalties to both parents. Its time to stop trying to be neutral, explain to your son that dad's ideas aren't just silly, they are unhealthy and dangerous.

And of course document everything, communicate with your ex only by text or email so its all in writing, and good luck dealing with your mentally ill ex (I know how hard it is, mine is very ill too)

Long-term breatharians are known as dead people..

Long day negotiating with my ex. I am mad, angry, over reacting... apparently. Anyway a reasonable understanding has been reached. I think I rattled their eating disorder cage.

It occurs to me that none of the family have a positive attitude to food. I tend to over indulge. My ex's family tend to go in the opposite direction and view food as a failing. But googling 'positive attitude to food' I begin to think that very few people have a positive attitude to food! It's all about losing weight, or eating enough. When I try to put into words what a good relationship with food might look like, I realise I'm uncertain.

I've drafted this. With thanks to mumsnet for some of the ideas! What do you think?

"Let's try and give (DS) a positive message surrounding food. I think the deeper message that he needs to hear is that food is good, something to be celebrated and not worried about. It is not a failure when we non breatharians eat. We are supposed to eat our fill and enjoy it. And the human body can cope with a very broad diet so we can be relaxed around food, and eat what we want when we feel like it. It doesn't matter if we don't look like super models. Probably the most intriguing and delightful attitude to food that I've found is (surprisingly enough), is the 'French women don't get fat ' books. All about how to savour champagne and delicious food in moderation. "

Ps I suspect the word breatharian may be a euphemism for dead!

PyongyangKipperbang Exactly. I'm actually fairly militant in making sure my DS eats healthily but the odd treat is good for you and I'd actually rather he ate special K every day of his life then developed the attitude OP's ex has towards food.

Excellent response, but maybe leave out the bit about champagne yet awhile.

ErroltheDragon good point!

I'd put in something about the importance of following the professional dieticians recommendations i.e. using the latest research and knowledge to help determine what's best. And yeah, leave out the champagne bit, and probably the super models bit.

bit of a mad scientist, and endlessly dabbling in alternative health

Mad non-scientist, you mean!

I'm not sure about using the latest research. It seems to contradict itself on a daily basis!

Also, you can twist research to mean anything you want. So too much fat/sugar/whatever in our diets, he can use to "prove" that his latest faddy nonsense is actually the healthiest choice for your son.

I'm pretty sure though that even the "latest research" does not advocate forgoing food and water as a recipe for a long and healthy life.

Does he wash his hair in Urine too?

He sounds like a PITA.

Does he pay maintenance as that bread sounds expensive!

Tell him to fuck off.

This morning DS admitted to me that he prefers normal wholemeal bread to the rye biona. Presumably he eats it because his father told him he's intolerant to wheat. I don't mind spending money on good bread but it does seem a shame to feel you must endure wheat free and dairy at the age of 12 without real cause!

Anyway I think my stiff emails have calmed things down. The breatharians were quite useful in a way because they were so extreme that they brought the whole problem into focus.

Your comments about a positive attitude to food are very insightful, waterfall.

Personally I think the best rule of thumb is to try to keep processed food to a minimum and to eat a wide variety of all the foodstuffs.