AIBU ex demanding that I buy Biona Rye bread instead of Special K?

[waterfallrainbow]

As DS is extremely picky it can be difficult to get him to eat a good breakfast, particularly when we're rushed in the morning. DS is 12, from former relationship, father left me when I was pregnant, I have always been sole carer and have recently remarried. Last week I was ill and DH served special K every day. Then I get a text ordering me to buy Biona Rye bread instead as apparently Special K 'has almost no vitality'

I suspect it is because his father is really neurotic about food (believes microwaves destroy the energy in your food, no pork, no alcohol, no wheat, no dairy, lots of fears around food generally...

Anyway, I get these regular, peremptory texts from my ex telling me how to bring up DS (who he now takes an interest in). They are driving me mad.

I really try to feed my son properly but it is not easy as I never know what he will take against next. Latest count is, he won't eat any sauces of any description, no sweet and sour, no fruit with meat, no granola, no muesli, no eggs (his father told him he's allergic to eggs and dairy), I just can't remember it all...

It's just stressful really. Two years ago DS was verging on anorexic and refusing to eat school dinner (he claimed it was too poor quality!) so I took him to see Jane Clarke, David Beckham's nutritionist (well worth the extra fee as what small boy will ignore David Beckham's nutritionist?!) who identified that my ex wasn't giving him enough protein. She was brilliant and inspired him with tales of how Beckham can run faster when he gets his diet right, and he is eating a bit better now, but his father still feeds him rabbit food (acorns when he was three, which made him sick... lots of nettle soup... irritating photographs of gourmet organic meals from his stepmother... heaven knows what else...)

It's the rather peremptory way he phrases it that I find especially difficult... as though I was the nanny!

DH thinks I should reply with an auto text which says 'try to be a bit more relaxed about food...'

Would love some ideas... Please be gentle... feeling fragile at the moment!

Acorns are edible ( just) but are are famine food. Nettles are tasty, but I tend to put cream in my nettle soup. He sounds unhealthily obsessed by food. Ask him to look at " orthorexia".

at least he cares I guess

He has a fairly strange way of showing it. I think you should limit or stop contact (though I understand this may not possible), as he's having some dangerous effects on your son.

Orthorexia - just looked it up. Good word!

Seriously, limiting access is the nuclear option. If your ex is dealing drugs, the courts would listen. But not over nettle soup. And it would break my son's heart if I restricted access.

It might break your son's body if you don't.

Telling you to restrict access over this is ridiculous.

I definitely wouldn't use the 'I'll feed him what I like when he's with me' line as, while it works if you're a normal eater, your ex isn't and it opens the door for him to say that back to you when you object to your son eating nettles etc. Instead I would refer as others have suggested to following nutritionist's advice, NHSguidelines, that sort of thing.

Been a while since I looked at it but Men's Health used to do features with athletes, sporting people and so on discussing their diet. Might it be worth looking at these with him? As examples of what healthy sporty types eat, and also of why they say they eat it?

Telling you to restrict access over this is ridiculous.

Care to explain why?

Special K is actually sugary crap, it is a con. Same as health smoothies.

Nutritionists are unregulated in the UK so there is no such thing as an officially qualified one. That said, footy-bloke's adviser IS a qualified dietician which IS registered and real.

but on balance the dad does sound a serious twerp.

I think ...Piss off...should cover it

I definitely wouldn't tell him he has an eating disorder. While this may be the case, this hasn't been diagnosed and you aren't in a position to diagnose it. He (undoubtedly) doesn't think he has an eating disorder so if you tell him he does, he's just going to think you are hysterical and ignore anything else you say on the topic.

I'd just stick with reiterating what the experts say, and telling him that if he has a problem with it he needs to take it up with them.

So the latest instalment in this is really disturbing. My ex is now fascinated by 'breatharianism' (Extreme fasting, where you don't eat or drink but live on 'life force' and air.) He has been extolling the virtues of this to my poor DS this weekend. He's mentioned it at least 3 times.

I'm just wondering how to react really. I don't want to criticise my ex, but Monday nights are basically 'debrief' night, when we discuss his latest mad fad and why my son should ignore it. I've lost count of the number of times I've said (with my fingers crossed) 'I love Daddy, but he does have some silly ideas.'

DS seems robust; we agreed that 'breatharianism' was nonsense, and why would anyone want to give up food. Luckily I had some particularly delicious artisan cheese laid on for dinner! (Baron Bigod from Pistachio and Pickle Delhi since you ask...)

But I am worried. How can I get through to my ex?

So the latest instalment in this is really disturbing. My ex is now fascinated by 'breatharianism' (Extreme fasting, where you don't eat or drink but live on 'life force' and air.) He has been extolling the virtues of this to my poor DS this weekend. He's mentioned it at least 3 times.

I'm sorry, but your ex is harming your son with this bullshit. He really, really is. I know your son seems 'robust' but your ex is clearly mentally ill and this is going to affect your son. Your son has already had an eating disorder and a protein deficiency caused by your ex's behaviour. It's not healthy for your son to be exposed to this.

Even though your son is clearly a sensible lad, if your ex is talking to him about being able to survive without food and water, your son must know that this isn't normal.

Your son must have picked up on the fact that his dad is behaving very strangely and saying very strange things, and that alone can be disturbing for a child. This has gone beyond mere eccentricity now.

Acorns were a widely eaten food in hunter gatherer times.

But seriously, you don't mess about with food issues do you? Taking him to Beckhams nutritionist was a bit of a master stroke, I think you should try and find similar well informed cool role models. Is there anyone on you tube it would be worth watching?

". I've lost count of the number of times I've said (with my fingers crossed) 'I love Daddy, but he does have some silly ideas.' "

Your son is plenty old enough at 12 for you to be much more explicit and blunt. ie "your father is not normal with regards to food, please take no notice of him" and point him in the direction of literature that supports a normal balanced diet for a teenager.

Time to get agencies involved I think.

He has already proven that he is not above forcing his stupid ideas on your son and this would be nothing less than starvation. It could land your son in hospital.

I suggest you contact social services and tell them everything, including the acorn stupidness, and the latest revelations and ask for their advice. Hopefully they will be able to help you because otherwise I can only say that you need to stop contact until he can prove that your son will eat a normal diet, as recommended by his GP and nutritionist, and not any of his faddy rubbish.

I know you dont want to go down that route but this is getting dangerous now.

Oh and in the meantime keep/put together a diary of this whole debacle so that if you do stop contact and it goes to court you will have proof of why you stopped contact.

"Time to get agencies involved I think."

Agreed. Lay down the law and if Dad doesn't co-operate I'd be seriously thinking about stopping all contact between them, because he is doing serious harm. I think a court would be very supportive here.

I think the fact that he has started to spout about breatharianism is actually going to work in your favour as it is a real thing but one that pretty much everyone, even hard core / slightly batty or misguided / etc health nuts who might agree with some aspects of his earlier requests like the Special K not having enough vitality or wanting a special bread or what nots, is going to agree that it is bonkers. Especially for a growing boy. It's not going to show him up as one sandwich short of a picnic but as actually (literally and metaphorically) being a whole picnic short of a picnic.

Hopefully it will also be useful in persuading your ds that his dad doesn't really know what he is talking about any more when it comes to nutrition, that he started out with good ideals of eating healthily (if that's the case, even if a long time ago) but that he has been taken in by more and more weird stuff and now has really lost the plot. So does he want to listen to his dad about food or Beckham's dietician?

I think it's also important to give your ds some tools for dealing with his dad and staying with him, even if it is teaching him how to recognise the bonkers bits, disagree with them politely, getting through to his dad what he needs (food not air!), coping strategies if there are problems (including emergency rations he can eat (even if nut bars something with protein, fat and carbs in that will mean he doesn't feel ill from hunger if he isn't given enough food), some emergency money to buy food and a pre agreed code word or text for dad's serving up sunshine for supper, I'm starving, help.

Confugg I agree that he needs to realise that dad is no longer on the normal spectrum of eating, but it shouldnt get to the stage of code words/food parcels if there really is sunshine for supper. He shouldnt have to deal with that, which is why I think that the OP should be seriously considering stopping contact.

A father who didnt feed his child properly, or at all, because he was tight or lazy or spent his money on the horses, wouldnt have contact as it would be considered neglect. Just because this mans lack of a good diet for a growing lad comes from a misguided obsession with health doesnt mean that it isnt also neglect.

Your comment about a full picnic short of a picnic was very funny but painfully so, as its so obviously true.

And I was thinking about this earlier....how does extreme fasting work? How many days can one live on sunshine and the smell of farts?

3 days without water and you die, so is it a case of doing it for a day and feeling virtuous then a day on water and spinach stalks with self flagellation for being so weak as to succumb to hunger and thirst and then back on the extreme fasting?

Is his OH equally barmy or does she have him heavily insured?

I have a friend who is like this. He is a perfectionist and when things are a bit wrong in his life he goes to unhealthy extremes. He's a vegetarian, no problem, but then he decided that couldn't eat anything fermented, so bread, cheese, even mushrooms were out and there are the foods he just doesn't like. Impossible to cater for and while trying to cure himself of the reason why he thought he had no energy, just got so thin and undernourished.

But I'm not certain that the answer is to stop contact, as long as he is feeding your son on his visits. Maybe meet him half-way and be more conscious of the food you are giving your son. Nettle soup sounds much more healthy than Special K frankly.

On the plus(?) side, if your ex really takes to Breatharianism then you shouldn't have to worry about his influence for much longer...

nocool so glad that you said that! I was thinking it, which is why I wondered if his wife had him heavily insured!

I agree it's worth talking to the authorities. Social services? Also you could maybe go to the GP to discuss diet - I'm just wondering if you could maybe get an appointment with an NHS nutritionist who can provide you with some information on a healthy balanced diet. You could ask your ex to attend the appointment too? That way if your ex doesn't follow the recommendations it's clear he's not acting in your sons best interests and possibly neglecting him.

Also if you do manage to get your ex in front of a nutritionist with your son there it might help make it obvious to your son that his dads attitude is abnormal - stops it being a mum v dad thing IYSWIM.

atenco have you never gone "oh sod it" and ordered pizza or had a chippy tea when you are poorly? Special K, or any other cereal of choice, is the breakfast version of that surely? He had it because the OP was ill and her DH wanted to make sure that her son was fed, which is the main thing isnt it? Although it sounds like her ex would rather the son had dew drops and rainbows, so DS going hungry would probably have be preferable to him.