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Original poster

To refuse to believe that this is my life?

81 replies

VeryNecessary · 22/01/2017 21:44

I've seen countless variations of things like this, but three people have reposted this on FB today and I guess I'm feeling extra ragey and hormonal given I'm 40 + 5 with my first baby.

Is this my reality? Honestly?

Everything I read or see is all geared toward Mums and how hard things are. I get it's easy for me to say this all now (I'm not actually a mum yet) but surely there are some decent Dads out there too? Surely there are, you know, couples who do all this together? As a partnership?

"To the mom hiding in her bathroom, needing peace for just one minute, as the tears roll down her cheeks..

To the mom who is so tired she feel likes she can't function anymore and would do anything to lay down and get the rest she needs...

To the mom sitting in her car, alone, stuffing food in her face because she doesn’t want anyone else to see or know she eats that stuff…

To the mom crying on the couch after she yelled at her kids for something little and is now feeling guilty and like she is unworthy…

To the mom that is trying desperately to put those old jeans on because all she really wants is to look in the mirror and feel good about herself…

To the mom that doesn’t want to leave the house because life is just too much to handle right now…

To the mom that is calling out for pizza again because dinner just didn’t happen the way she wanted it to…

To the mom that feels alone, whether in a room by herself or standing in a crowd...

You are enough.

You are important.

You are worthy."

(There's more but it's too twee and boaky to post)

OP posts:
FaithAgain · 22/01/2017 22:55

That poem...before you're a parent, it's horrifying. When you are a parent and it's a tough time, it's reassuring. It's easy to convince yourself you're doing a rubbish job!

Being a Mum is the toughest thing I've ever done. DH is pretty good (I rarely complain about him being hands on Dad wise, more often it's about not loading the dishwasher or cleaning up after himself). This baby will challenge your relationship, definitely. DD (3) is a Mummy's girl. She'll walk past him to ask me. She'll demand my attention when he's quite capable! It's sucks for both of us in different ways: I don't get peace, he feels she doesn't need him. But when that little monkey crosses a milestone, or says something funny - tonight she was 'reading' me a story and making it up as she went along! - or when she cuddles us and says I love you Mummy and Daddy, it's the best feeling ever! So yes, parenting is the toughest job in the world, but it's also the most rewarding.

Oysterbabe · 22/01/2017 22:57

I never understand people who find it hard work. She is literally the joy of my life.

You really can't understand that not all children are the same and that some are really hard work, don't sleep for more than 45 minutes ever and scream most of the day? That some people suffer with postnatal depression? I never understand how people can be so oblivious that they can't see outside of their own bubble.

Meatbadger · 22/01/2017 22:58

The people I know who tend to repost stuff like than on fb don't have the most hands-on partners. That's anecdotal so there may be no link there.
But being a parent is hard. And I think it's nice that we're able to be more honest about that these days. I share childcare with OH and still find it exhausting and by far the hardest thing I've ever done. Lovely too, obvs Grin

user1484317265 · 22/01/2017 23:00

It's still horrifying after many children. Mainly because its twee, insulting and a very bad poem. Stuff about secret eating and crying because our jeans don't fit and all we care about is looking pretty....fuck off with that cliched sexist claptrap.

corythatwas · 22/01/2017 23:02

FaithAgain Sun 22-Jan-17 22:55:41
"That poem...before you're a parent, it's horrifying. When you are a parent and it's a tough time, it's reassuring. It's easy to convince yourself you're doing a rubbish job!"

I think you're onto something there.

AmeliaJack · 22/01/2017 23:03

GraceFlorrick

It's lovely that you are enjoying every moment with your DD.

Just out of interest can I ask how old she is?

mygorgeousmilo · 22/01/2017 23:04

Those facebook posts always seem a bit weird to me, I have a few kids and a great husband. My life is not something I need to escape from, and my kids don't make me cry in a corner. It may help that I am fairly strict with my kids, so they eat what I put on the table and go to bed on time. We don't have many battles, we do fun stuff and boring stuff. When they were tiny I coslept and breastfed etc and got attuned to them, but didn't let them turn into little dictators. I sound like a smug bitch but hey, it's true.

Symbista · 22/01/2017 23:09

It is an annoying poem but at the same time it's a good antidote to all the #bleased type posts which comtribute to the pressure on mums to say everything is wonderful and perfect all the time. I remember a friend sent me a message after dc2 was born saying something like, it's ok to say it's hard. I cried with relief that someone understood.

Graceflorrick · 22/01/2017 23:10

Amelia, she's five and my only due to secondary infertility, sadly. I'd have lots if I could Grin I'm very very grateful for her. She's an absolute pleasure and has been since day one.

nicenewdusters · 22/01/2017 23:14

You may, somewhere down the line, recognise the odd thing from that list. But your experience as a parent will be unique. Of course your life will change, there'll be huge challenges, but how can it be otherwise? A brand new person is going to arrive, and primarily they'll look to you for everything.

Personally I can't even describe how much I enjoy being with my children, it's been the best thing in my life. You don't need me to describe it though, or anyone else, because you'll have your own story soon. I don't do FB, not my thing. I second the pp who said don't spend too much time taking photos, sharing etc. Just absorb it all.

Don't compare, don't compete, just do your best and follow your instincts. My son is 9. A couple of years ago he asked if it was alright if he didn't leave home and get a flat, would it be ok if he just always lived with me. That pretty much makes up for the broken nights sleep!

PyongyangKipperbang · 22/01/2017 23:15

I sound like a smug bitch

Well spotted.

Caterina99 · 22/01/2017 23:16

My DH is very hands on and an excellent dad. But I'm a sahm and I've probably done most of those things. It's not every day though! Some days I wouldn't swop it for the world. Some days I'm losing the plot by 8am. And yes on the outside I probably do appear to really have it together. Small children can just grind you down and there is literally no escape if you are at home by yourself with them

AmeliaJack · 22/01/2017 23:22

Grace I'm sorry, secondary infertility is hard.

I hope your DD continues to be delightful.

My 9yos are lovely, but parenthood is a long road. I feel sure that karma is hiding just round the corner to bite me during their teenage years. Wink

Original poster
VeryNecessary · 22/01/2017 23:23

Thanks for all the responses and in no way was I being judgey.

I guess, what I was trying to badly articulate, was is it really only mums who suffer? Is it really all so one sided? Does the fact that we are the number one caregiver due to mat leave the reason why our heads are seemingly always filled with what we're not doing right, in a way that men's aren't?

I reserve the right to take this all back in a few months time, of course I do. I'm not a mum yet so am still convinced I can parent equally with a supportive husband.

I just find that everything I read lately is about how shit being a mum is and I guess I'm just freaking out a bit.

OP posts:
mum2Bomg · 22/01/2017 23:24

Haha! Come back and tell us about your experiences once you have had the baby.

I actually said the following words, really..."It can't be that hard having a baby. I mean, you might be a bit tired but it can't be that difficult."

DD is now 7 weeks old. It's HARD work and she's an amazing baby. It's different for everyone but the lack of sleep can physically hurt...who knew.

DH is awesome, but the key is, he's at work.

mum2Bomg · 22/01/2017 23:26

It's far from shit, it's awesome, but it takes chunks out of you, and consumes you whole. And believe me, DH is knackered too and would probably be quite keen to eat his dinner in the car.

user1477282676 · 22/01/2017 23:28

I don't understand women who let their children harangue them to the point they're in tears. I'm not talking about babies of course or ill children but letting them come into the toilet with you!

No need.

Birdsgottafly · 22/01/2017 23:28

I had to start picking my GD (2) up from Nursery and taking her to mine, to have 'quality time'( hate that expression), because she only wants my DD, when she's around.

Likewise, her DP, takes my GD out, or my DD sneaks out, otherwise she would be mostly attached to my DD, or whinging.

""It may help that I am fairly strict with my kids, ""

No it doesn't, under five, it's personality. Some children would take months of being ignored/distracted and going through tantruming. If you've never had a child who would cry until they projectiled vomited, then you wouldn't get it. By the time they stop, they grown out of it anyway.

My GD is so different to my three, who were all different than each other and still are, as Adults.

corythatwas · 22/01/2017 23:29

VeryNecessary Sun 22-Jan-17 23:23:20

"I guess, what I was trying to badly articulate, was is it really only mums who suffer? Is it really all so one sided? Does the fact that we are the number one caregiver due to mat leave the reason why our heads are seemingly always filled with what we're not doing right, in a way that men's aren't?"

Becoming a mother won't suddenly stop you from being an individual. Some people are more prone to guilt than others, some people manage to fill their heads with all sorts of things, some fathers do spend a lot of time angsting about fatherhood.

Speaking for myself, I am a greedy pig and though I had some pretty bad shit thrown at me (two dc with unsuspected genetic disorder), I do not believe that I ever missed a meal. We're all different.

P. S. I may have eaten the chocolates though... sorry dh and everybody... that one may just have been me

cantmakeme · 22/01/2017 23:29

The only one of those I recall is dinner not working out when I was feeding newborn DD all the time. There are hard days and easy days with children, just like work, relationships... everything really.

I guess this kind of stuff is out there to reassure parents who are struggling.

Birdsgottafly · 22/01/2017 23:29

User, what age are you talking about?

cantmakeme · 22/01/2017 23:39

Oh, and about the dads. I don't know. All different. I found that I did almost everything and my ex would do certain things, but in some ways was expecting me to do it all - I was meant to really thank him and think he was brilliant if he did any parenting! I'm expecting my second six years on, with a different kind of man. Let's see how it goes...

cantmakeme · 22/01/2017 23:40

I didn't have my DD in the toilet with me either! Except if we were out and she would otherwise be left alone.

AmeliaJack · 22/01/2017 23:54

Very it's not just women who find becoming a parent hard.

My DH did too. He didn't have the same physical or hormonal challenges and his life was as radically different as mine as he was still working however:

Even though I did all the night feeds (due to breastfeeding) he was still driving to work exhausted every day (there's no downtime with baby twins)

He found the change from two incomes to one stressful as he felt that the weight of supporting us all was all on him. He was fully on board with the decision but it was still a transition.

Our relationship was different and for the first two years there wasn't much time for "us". We came through the fog stronger than ever but it was hard him too.

We were part of an amazing NCT group and I know he found the Dads' meet ups as useful for support as I found the Mums'.

The Dads that found it the hardest were the ones who weren't hands on straight away.

Obsidian77 · 23/01/2017 00:01

I''m not a mum yet so am still convinced I can parent equally with a supportive husband
I wish you well with the birth and caring for your newborn, but may I gently suggest you let go of the idea of parenting equally and just focus on getting by?
It sounds to me, based on my own experience, that your expectations are unrealistic, however I do acknowledge that everyone's experiences are different. Hope your DH isn't as shit selfish and unhelpful as too many of the men I know.

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