To refuse to believe that this is my life?

[VeryNecessary]

I've seen countless variations of things like this, but three people have reposted this on FB today and I guess I'm feeling extra ragey and hormonal given I'm 40 + 5 with my first baby.

Is this my reality? Honestly?

Everything I read or see is all geared toward Mums and how hard things are. I get it's easy for me to say this all now (I'm not actually a mum yet) but surely there are some decent Dads out there too? Surely there are, you know, couples who do all this together? As a partnership?

"To the mom hiding in her bathroom, needing peace for just one minute, as the tears roll down her cheeks..

To the mom who is so tired she feel likes she can't function anymore and would do anything to lay down and get the rest she needs...

To the mom sitting in her car, alone, stuffing food in her face because she doesn’t want anyone else to see or know she eats that stuff…

To the mom crying on the couch after she yelled at her kids for something little and is now feeling guilty and like she is unworthy…

To the mom that is trying desperately to put those old jeans on because all she really wants is to look in the mirror and feel good about herself…

To the mom that doesn’t want to leave the house because life is just too much to handle right now…

To the mom that is calling out for pizza again because dinner just didn’t happen the way she wanted it to…

To the mom that feels alone, whether in a room by herself or standing in a crowd...

You are enough.

You are important.

You are worthy."

(There's more but it's too twee and boaky to post)

Four, are we sure the OP is being judgey? To me she comes across as somebody who might like a bit of reassurance in the last stages of pregnancy. Do we all have to jump on her and tell her how horrible it's going to be? Or have I totally misread the OP?

Oh, and right from the start give the baby to your partner whenever you need a break and expect him to help. Don't ask.

I don't know any mums like that-what a lot of rubbish!

I think kids are great and enhance your life,not make it awful! I have done the takeaway pizza because dinner just didn't happen though!

And my dh and my male friends are all great dads and take equal responsibility for their children. That seems a weird think to post/repost on facebook?!

I think these are all there to "counter the narrative that new mums are on cloud 9 with their beautiful newborns". Now, when I had my baby I saw 99.9% of mum-related things posted on my fb that were these "this is the REAL story" kind of thing. yeah, I found the first weeks really hard, and briefly wondered if I'd made a mistake because I was so exhausted I didn't know how to go on. BUT, this is by no means the same for everyone. I think people mistakenly believe they have to post this stuff 'in solidarity' or 'to show both sides' when often that's the only side people do post about!
And none of those things posted relate to any of the tough stuff in the first few weeks, honestly life's a breeze compared to that and I have 2-year-old tantrums to put up with. (I may eat my words if I ever have another!)
My OH is brilliant too.

My DH is fantastic. Does a huge amount when he's at home. But I'm on maternity leave and thus at home all week on my own with an 8 month old and a 3.5 year old (if he isn't at nursery). DH is at work. So yes, there are points when I'd really like five minutes to myself because the 3 year old is driving me batshit, and I can't have it because there's nobody to hand him over to, because the other parent is at work. Last month I reached the point of being so sleep deprived I hallucinated. Not because DH is useless, but because, despite him doing his share of night shifts, ultimately I had an ill clingy baby who wailed the house down if he didn't have mummy on tap. At the moment I get approximately an hour's time to myself each week- when I leave the house to go for a run. Again, not because I don't have a hands on husband, but because we are both so sleep deprived that on DH's days off, by the time we've both caught up on some sleep, and done the household stuff, and taken the 3 year old to his swimming lesson, an hour is all there is left. DH doesn't get any more time to himself than I do. Sometimes parenting is just very very hard work and you have to tough it out.

(Sometimes it's utterly joyous too of course- it's not all doom and gloom).

But this is DC2 so I know that this too shall pass, it will all get easier. And best of all, I'll get to go back to work and drink tea and have a wee in peace

Have to say DP is great, but DS prefers to torture me at the moment, last month daddy could no wrong. This month its me.

We had to take the locks off the bathroom door, because he kept locking himself in and couldn't unlock it.

So I have no where to hide. I go to the toilet and have DS, 2 cats and a dog all follow me, all "talking" about something

I can relate to some of that. I cried outside of Morrisons the other day. We had a long walk home, 2 bags of heavy shopping and my 2 yoDD was physically fighting me to get in the sling so I could walk. She cried, I cried. It was horrible.

You do sometimes feel alone, well I do anyway. I also feel like a fucking shit when I lose my rag at her for reasons which, in hindsight, weren't necessary. I have also been on my knees with tiredness but no let up because she only wanted me. A particular highlight was norovirus. She sat on my lap whilst I was shitting through the eye of a needle, and attached herself to my nipple whilst I was repeatedly throwing up into a bowl.

And I have a supportive partner, and I love my DD with a ferocity that scares me.

Sometimes, being a mum is just really, really hard. I think that's what it's trying to say.

One thing I did find was that there were plenty of friends willing to tell you exactly how things would be and what you would find unbearable- and when it actually came round, it was never the things they'd told me about: either those simply didn't happen or I found I didn't mind as much as I'd thought. But then there'd be something else which either proved more difficult than expected, or that I found I simply minded more about- because of the person I was.

Point being- there is no point in trying to make any predictions from other people's experience of motherhood: this is your child brought up by you- it's a completely new experience that the world has never seen.
- congratulatory ones, not commiserating

Regardless of how good Dads are, sometimes being a mum IS different.

I might get flamed for this but... Beforenour DS turned up, DH and I were going to equally co-parent. In many ways we do. We both spend the same number of hours at work and at home with our son, for example. But I am his mummy and that is a different experience from being his daddy. In lots of ways I think it brings more pressure. Some comes from me, some comes from society and the way it regards motherhood. I certainly feel the pressure, guilt, constant worry and sense that I'm dividing myself into ever tinier pieces more than DH does.

Becoming a mum messes with your identity as much as it messes with your bits. I think this makes the likelihood of crying silently while on the loo or eating porridge in the car much greater. How brilliant or hot Dads are isn't a causal link.

It might not be your life. But it might be. Having a kid is one of the most testing and trying things I've ever done, and I absolutely adore DS, plus DH pulls his weight good and proper.

I have had to do the Hurrah for Gin shitty guilt fairy dance quite a few times, for example. He drove me quite, quite nuts as a constantly screaming, non-napping newborn. I had to put him somewhere safe a few times and go and cry at the bottom of the garden. IMO, there's an awful lot of fluffy hype about babies and the shitty, pissy, pukey, screamy, guilt-ridden, bone-crunchingly exhausted reality can hit hard.

But your mileage may differ. Depends on the kid. Depends on the dad/partner/support network. I've found it gets easier as he gets older, but he's only 19mo and this might yet all change!

Cory that was one of the most beautiful things I've ever read on here

Not, not Hot!

How hot dads are may or may not be a factor!

I think parenting small children is claustrophobic - mine are just turned 3 and 5 and they want to talk to me most of the time and touch me. With their daddy, not so much. They follow me to the toilet and ask many questions about what I'm doing. Most of the time I can cope, but it's very hard to get a quiet moment and that makes sanity difficult.

Me! Me! My dh is a brilliant dad and husband..sorry if it disappoints He works full time, doesn't abuse, is a hands on dad, shares his cash, makes a mean risotto....

He isn't perfect but neither am I.

Totally agree user. There's more societal pressure on mums, I think we put more pressure on ourselves too (my DH has never to my knowledge broken down in tears worrying he's a useless father). Also, as a mum you are (usually) your child's primary attachment figure. Their closest bond is with you. You spend the first six months- a year there all day every day while dad is at work. And that tends to show up very clearly I think when DC are particularly little or they're feeling ill etc. That doesn't mean that dads don't have a close bond, or pull their weight. My DH parents equally (when I'm not on mat leave) but sometimes they do just want me.

I agree about the minding thing. The nappies and bodily fluids doesn't bother me at all, but answering the same question twenty times while trying to write a shopping list has me on my knees.

You just need to stop reading such utter horseshit on FB.

Bits of it are shit; bits of it are good. I never missed a meal (even with 2 year old and Velcro baby), so I never got the "I just don't have time to eat" thing. I did spend a lot of time crying and weighing up the cost of a night in a holiday inn. Babies are hard for me; school age children, not so much.

I love being a mum and genuinely never feel frustrated or annoyed with her. I never understand people who find it hard work. She is literally the joy of my life.

I often lock myself in the loo for five minds peace. Recently, dinner went wrong and I ordered burger and chips for my 3 and 1 year old. There have been times I've lost my shit and cried. But mostly, I have a great husband who does more than his fair share. I am able to nap when I am exhausted (if OH is home), my kids are pretty bloody cute and I ask and accept help when I need it.
Also it takes time to get your body back after a baby. It's not just mums who look in the mirror and want to look good.
Hope your little bundle arrives soon OP. Good luck

DH currently recuperating from pneumonia at IL's house 1.5hours away.

I have been solo parenting toddler DS for almost 3 weeks now. No family nearby to help.

Spent yesterday either vomiting or lying on sofa wanting to vomit.

In sole charge of a toddler. Nuffink I could do about the fact that DH currently also incapacitated and away.

Looking after small children when you're unwell is horrendous. What I mean is, you may have a great hubby / partner but life throws curveballs and then it can be hard

Not every family has the same arrangements. When dd was little, dh went part-time so I could work part-time. One of my brothers was a full time SAHD.

Mine were more likely to turn to dh for help with an injury or illness (sensibly enough as he is a first aider and I am not), but to me for a more emotional problem. He was the expert vomit-mopper: I could make a nightmare go away. Though when dd was tiny, dh was at least equally good at soothing her: I really came into my own when she became verbal.

Hi Very,

Being a parent is pretty amazing. No one loves you like your kids, and what you feel for them in return can be quite shocking in intensity.

I love being a Mum and I'm really good at it so modest

It took us nearly six years and two rounds of IVF to conceive our twins and I don't take a moment with them for granted.

My DH is the best Dad I know. Hands on, engaged, fun, creative and just as capable as taking care of them as I am. Takes a share of the house work etc.

I also agree that, in general most internet memes are nonsense and cringeworthy.

However, even bearing all that in mind, there is truth in what you posted above:

I have hidden in the bathroom for a few minutes peace (sometimes you just get "touched out").

I've eaten chocolate in the cupboard.

I have regularly (when my twins were babies) wept with exhaustion.

I have felt shocked and appalled and dissociated from my body (I was shocked how much this bothered me, although it wore off after a few months)

I went from being "Amelia" career woman and person in her own right to being Mr Jack's wife or the Jack Twin's Mum. ( I really only got back to being "Amelia" when I went back to work when they were 4yo)

I was desperate to get pregnant. I adored my new babies and was thrilled to be their Mum. I chose to exclusively breastfeed them and chose to be a SAHM but I still actively grieved for my old life and the ending of an era.

I wasn't miserable, I didn't have PND and from the outside I was completely got it together. But I still felt all of the above.

And there was nothing my wonderful DH could have done about any of it.

Becoming a Mum is wonderful but it is also leads to massive physical, psychological, social and cultural changes in every part of your life.

It's all worth it though.
I wouldn't change it for the world.
But that doesn't negate that even in the best of circumstances it's the hardest thing I've ever done.

Best wishes for your baby. It will be wonderful. It will be a rollercoaster.

You're unreasonable to read beyond the first line of that guff! Anybody posting 'inspirational' quotes, and that sort of thing, gets hidden sharpish by me.

Agree with the poster who said it's horse shit!

to BlueOnMonday, hope you all feel better soon. That is so horrible- poor you!!