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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When your Husband goes to the phone fo a quiet ones and comes back at 4.15am....

68 replies

Dickorydockwhatthe · 22/01/2017 10:42

am unreasonable to expect a text or reply to just let me he's ok and carrying on. He is an awful drinker can't handle it especially in the wrong company will often walk back alone. Before he went I asked him not to stay out all night as we have loads to do and he needs to drive. Last words were " I promise I won't" etc. I've not had any sleep because I worried and wound up when he came home unapologetic and steaming drunk.
I'm still building up trust with him over his drinking as he always always gets slaughtered and the final straw was when out with kids. He woke it in the night being sick on the bed, swearing and cursing turning the lights on and waking us all up last time. We have two sons what example does this set them!!! So obviously when he goes out now I worry.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dickorydockwhatthe · 22/01/2017 10:50

Araaaagggghhh sorry pre dictive text and tiredness

OP posts:
TheNiffler · 22/01/2017 10:51

Sorry, this isn't going to be much help, but that would be a deal breaker for me.

RainbowCake · 22/01/2017 10:52

He sounds like a selfish dick to me. When he is out he is out and has no thought to what is going on at home or what will be going on the next day.
You say it was the final straw last time. I don't want to stick the boot in but it wasn't really as he has continued to take the piss as he knows he can get away with it.

If it was me and if possible I would just get on with my day (noisily) and do whatever was planned without a word to him. I presume he'll be sleeping it off for quite a while.

Good luck with any conversation you have with him today.

Olympiathequeen · 22/01/2017 10:53

Hope he doesn't drive today. He will be over the limit for several hours.

Frankly I'd ask him to leave. No one deserves this type of treatment.

trinketsofgold · 22/01/2017 10:53

Does he do this often?
Tbh I'd really hate being told what I can and can't do on a night out. My DH is my DH. Not my dad.

Unless he is doing this every weekend YABU

Iamastonished · 22/01/2017 10:54

Sounds like he has a drink problem. Do you want to put up with this for the rest of your life?

Bluntness100 · 22/01/2017 10:56

How often does he do this please?

Iamastonished · 22/01/2017 10:57

So you think this behaviour is acceptable trinkets? Hmm

I don't. OH and I go out without each other, but not until 4 am, and not so drunk that we are sick in the bed/pissing in the wardrobe etc. And we don't ignore our phones.

If he wants to behave like a single man he shouldn't have got married and had children.

YouTheCat · 22/01/2017 11:00

Trinkets, would you go out and get really pissed, staying out till the early hours, knowing that you had commitments the next day?

BakeOffBiscuits · 22/01/2017 11:00

My Dh did this once in our 27 year marriage.

He's never done it again as he knows that would be the end of our relationship if he ever treated me like that again.

When he's sobered up you need to make it very clear you will not be treated like that and you will not let your children see that kind of behaviour.

trinketsofgold · 22/01/2017 11:05

If i want to be out till 4am, I will be out till 4am. I would be very Hmm at DH giving me a curfew.

Granted I don't go out alot tho.
There have been times where I've had to do things the next day with a hangover.

We don't know how often the OP's DH does this tho?

YouTheCat · 22/01/2017 11:09

But he's supposed to be driving and he'll still be pissed.

There's nothing wrong with having a good night out, getting a bit pissed etc but once you have kids to think of then you need to be a bit more realistic and plan better.

Mindtrope · 22/01/2017 11:11

I wouldn't accept this OP.

operaha · 22/01/2017 11:13

My husband has never and would never do this. It would be a deal breaker for me too.

Llanali · 22/01/2017 11:14

My husband had a habit of doing this, he grew out of it. It depends how often this happens, whether you ever do it.

Gallavich · 22/01/2017 11:16

This is a deal breaker for me. My xh used to do this, he's now 37 and still hasn't grown out of it so I wouldn't rely on that.

cherrycokehead · 22/01/2017 11:17

The promising not to do it and then doing it anyway is the bit that would piss me off the most. That's how trust is gradually ( or not so gradually) eroded

BakeOffBiscuits · 22/01/2017 11:18

Trinkets The OP asked him. It to be out late because he needs to drive.

How controlling and nasty of herHmm

blueskyinmarch · 22/01/2017 11:27

There is a difference between going out on a planned night out, staying out late and having a hangover of your other half knows that is the plan and you have factored it in to your weekend plans. Against saying you are going for a quick drink, sating you will be back sharp then coming home pissed at 4am and vomiting on the bed with no thought to the plans for the rest of the weekend.

Iamastonished · 22/01/2017 11:30

"If i want to be out till 4am, I will be out till 4am. I would be very hmm at DH giving me a curfew."

If your husband knew you were going to be out until 4 am this is different from promising to a) Not get drunk and b) Promising to be home earlier.

Can you not see the difference?

luella86 · 22/01/2017 11:34

My DH is a jack-the-lad, always out socialising, loves hanging with his mates even though he's pushing 50 and has a company to run.

I just leave him to it. He says the same things to me "I promise it won't be a late one" etc. He's come home in dirty suits from falling over on pavements, too drunk to get a taxi... I just roll my eyes.

Of course I have broken sleep worrying about him when he will come home but he can do what he wants and I'm not his mother. I trust him implicitly and he trusts me when I go out with my girlfriends.

So long as it's not happening every evening then I wouldn't worry about it. Let him let off steam and have a big night out every now and then.

MaryMargaret · 22/01/2017 11:36

Quite likely he fully intended to come back early, but cannot control his drinking.

happypoobum · 22/01/2017 11:37

Some people appear to have rather low standards.

I would not want to live with someone who gets so drunk they are vomiting on my bed.

JockTamsonsBairns · 22/01/2017 11:37

As a one-off, I'd be a bit narked. As a pattern of behaviour, as this seems to be, it would be a complete deal breaker. I find it slightly weird that preferring not to live life with a drunken, selfish arse is considered by some to be controlling Confused

Iamastonished · 22/01/2017 11:39

"I just leave him to it. He says the same things to me "I promise it won't be a late one" etc. He's come home in dirty suits from falling over on pavements, too drunk to get a taxi... I just roll my eyes."

It works for you, but OH and I just would not do this to each other. We clearly have different expectations. I am not OH's mother, I am his wife and expect respect and consideration, as does he from me. It doesn't mean we don't have a good time when we go out - together or separately, but neither of us would get so drunk that we would be out of control. Neither of us wants to do that any more, we got that out of our system years ago. Besides it is irresponsible when you have children.